Ep 15: Where Do You Put Your Dick?
Listen to Ep 15: Where Do You Put Your Dick? here!
(0:00)
SARAH: Hey what's up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I'm Sarah. That's me.)
KAYLA: ...and a straight girl (that's me, Kayla).
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, dick locations.
All: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome.
KAYLA: It's another dick episode!
SARAH: It is another dick episode. For those of you who are American, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.
KAYLA: I hope you ate several turkeys.
SARAH: For those of you who are not American...
KAYLA: For all of our Finnish friends.
SARAH: ...I hope you had a really good Thursday the 23rd of November. Mhm.
KAYLA: But I hope you also had good food. Just circumstantial.
SARAH: Now if you had Thanksgiving with your family, it's very possible that you have some people in your family who you don't like very much.
KAYLA: Where is this going?
SARAH: (laughs) You know what those people are, Kayla?
KAYLA: Tell me, Sarah.
SARAH: They're dicks!
KAYLA: Where I thought this was going was you were like "you know you have people in your family that have dicks."
SARAH: Oh (laughs).
KAYLA: (laughs) Do you ever wonder where they put them?
Sarah That was not what I was going to say.
KAYLA: Good because made me uncomfortable.
SARAH: Okayyy. I don't want to think about that. Now you've made me think about it!
KAYLA: This is why every male person that I know, I like to pretend that they don't have a dick.
SARAH: Oh really?
KAYLA: To me, no one has a dick.
SARAH: Ain't nobody got a dick.
KAYLA: Ain't nobody got a dick. So this topic came up, I think we were talking about when men ride bicycles, where the fuck does your dick go.
SARAH: You told me the answer to this and it made me so uncomfortable.
KAYLA: Oh did I get a male contact in on this?
SARAH: Okay maybe it wasn't from you. But someone said that it just hangs off the front.
KAYLA: I think I probably asked my ex and he probably told me that.
SARAH: Yeah. Is that true? (laughs)
KAYLA: Can someone...? I actually don't know that I want any of them to answer because I would like for none of them to have dicks.
SARAH: Ohhh okay.
KAYLA: I don't want any of our listeners, specifically the listeners that I actually know in real life, I don't want any of them to have dicks.
SARAH: No dicks.
KAYLA: No dicks.
SARAH: Interesting. No okay but I don't remember who told me that, maybe it was you, maybe it was someone else.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: But they said that if you're a person with a dick and you're riding a bicycle, it's just hanging.
KAYLA: Hangs off the front?
SARAH: Which makes me feel a little weird. But also if you're a hardcore bicyclist...
KAYLA: That's not where I thought that was going either (laughs).
SARAH: (laughs) And you're wearing your tight clothes.
KAYLA: Yeah they do have very tight pants.
SARAH: Your dick’s not hanging out if you're wearing...
KAYLA: I mean the only time I think your... see when I - when someone tells me that when men ride a bike their dick hangs over the front - what I envision is literally them sitting on the thing and their dick...
SARAH: A dangling dick.
KAYLA: ...is actually dangling in front is what I envision. Now I'm guessing that's never how it happens.
SARAH: Yeah I'm sure.
KAYLA: Because I don't even think underwear allow for the dick to dangle like that (laughs).
SARAH: No, I don't think so.
KAYLA: So that's what I envision. But I'm guessing it just kind of sits there.
SARAH: But then I know nothing about dick locations.
KAYLA: What do you mean?
SARAH: I just don't understand.
KAYLA: I once asked someone, I'm assuming my ex, I don't know who else I would be asking about their dick seeing as I like to pretend that no one has one. But I was like does it pick a side when you put your pants on? Do you have to pick one and manually set it there? Apparently, it just picks by itself.
SARAH: Well I feel like...
KAYLA: But do people have sides? Like aw man, I feel weird today usually my dick is on the left and today it's on the right (laughs).
SARAH: I feel like people do have sides but also does the parent choose for the... like they change their diaper for the first time?
KAYLA: (laughs) I'm right-handed and therefore I am right dicked.
SARAH: I mean I guess if you're a little baby it's a little different.
KAYLA: Well I don't think you have to pick a side cause it's just a little peanut.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: (laughs) Little peanut dick.
SARAH: That makes me really uncomfortable and I want you to stop.
KAYLA: It's just what they look like. Have you ever seen an infant boy child?
SARAH: No, and I don't want to.
KAYLA: That's... alright.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay. That's understandable.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: So to help us learn about dicks, I Googled. First of all, I want you all to know how much I have sacrificed on my search history for this podcast.
SARAH: You say that every week, Kayla.
KAYLA: I know, because it's always me Googling these things.
SARAH: Yeah, that's true.
KAYLA: So I Googled "where do you put your dick?" I'm just gonna read you some headlines that I got.
SARAH: This is good. Alright.
KAYLA: "How to easily find the vaginal opening when inserting my penis." I just love how technical that is. Like where to put... no. Vaginal.
SARAH: See this is... I guess it makes sense that this is where this searched ended up going.
KAYLA: Yeah, but I wasn't expecting it.
SARAH: Wasn't what I was expecting and it doesn't answer any of my questions.
KAYLA: "How do I put my penis in a vagina?" See here's the thing, when you ask how I think it's simple how you do it. You just put it in. The question of where I can see being an issue.
(5:00)
SARAH: I can see being an issue.
KAYLA: Cause there's lots of holes down there.
SARAH: There are.
KAYLA: Now the question of how is just asking like how do I put a shoe on? You just put it in.
SARAH: Just put your foot in.
KAYLA: Ooo "nine places you should never stick your penis." Now see here is some yes. This could answer some questions. (Distressed noises) Oh, the picture is a man holding a vacuum cleaner up to his dick location.
SARAH: I don't like that.
KAYLA: Me either! Not in a water bottle.
SARAH: Hey, you know what we were watching the other day? Me and Kayla and some of our housemates were watching the movie No Strings Attached.
KAYLA: A good movie.
SARAH: None of us had seen it before.
KAYLA: We'd seen Friends With Benefits, which is the same movie basically.
SARAH: Also guys totally unrelated, but Ashton Kutcher is in No Strings Attached and Mila Kunis is in Friends With Benefits and they're married!
KAYLA: And they're married.
SARAH: And have a child or two or something.
KAYLA: Do they?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: I feel like they don't.
SARAH: They definitely have at least one child.
KAYLA: Oh sure.
SARAH: I just don't know if they have one or two.
KAYLA: (laughs) I just looked at the next thing they said not to put your dick in. It's really funny. Go on.
SARAH: But in No Strings Attached, there's a line - okay so minor spoilers, this happens at the beginning...
KAYLA: Guys it's like 10 years old, get over it.
SARAH: Ashton Kutcher's character, what is his name? Adam or something?
KAYLA: It's Adam, yeah.
SARAH: He wakes up naked in an apartment of some people that he vaguely knows...
KAYLA: As one does.
SARAH: Yeah. And he is not wearing any clothes, but his clothes are in the other room and they're like "oh if you want your pants then go get them." And he was just like "I'm not wearing any clothes." And so the other people in the room are all nurses and so they're trying to make him feel better about the fact that they're all about to see his dick...
KAYLA: See his penis.
SARAH: ...by being like "oh, we see 100s of dicks a day." And then the guy, like the male roommate who's gay, is like "I see 1000s!" And then the one, Mindy Kailing's character...
KAYLA: Mindy Kailing.
SARAH: ...she goes something along the lines of "the other day I..."
KAYLA: “I pulled a dick out of a Vitamin Water bottle.”
SARAH: Which is a very 2011 thing. Does anyone drink Vitamin Water these days?
KAYLA: It doesn't taste good.
SARAH: I've never tasted it.
KAYLA: It has a very mute... You know how Propel is like "hell yeah, this tastes like lemon."
SARAH: I've never tasted Propel.
KAYLA: Okay you know how Gatorade is like...
SARAH: (laughs) Yes.
KAYLA: "...hell yeah this tastes like this flavor." Vitamin Water is like (annoying voice) "oh we're flavored water." But it's like...
SARAH: So it's like tea.
KAYLA: Kinda. No, it's water that's flavored but it's only like... they flavor it with like one drop of flavoring and they're like "good enough." Anyway, another place you shouldn't...
SARAH: But just listen, it's an amusing movie you should watch it.
KAYLA: It is, you should watch it. It's good. Another place you should stick your dick, a sex worker.
SARAH: Wow that's rude to sex workers.
KAYLA: Well the reason they're giving is that in 2016, an old Chinese man died while having sex. They said making love with a prostitute, I would argue that he was just having sex with her.
SARAH: I would argue unless you're in a actual romantic and sexual relationship with a prostitute, that happens to be their day job or, I suppose, night job...
KAYLA: (laughs) Don't tell them when they can have sex. A sex worker can have sex whenever they choose, ma'am.
SARAH: I guess. But anyway...
KAYLA: Gotta pay those bills.
SARAH: But unless you're in a relationship with them, I wouldn't consider it to be making love.
KAYLA: You're not making love to... I agree. (gasp) Paramedics wheeled him away with his penis still inside her.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: Holy shit.
SARAH: Wait hold on. There was an episode of... I think it was a fictional TV show...
KAYLA: I hope so by where this is going.
SARAH: Cause you know how... But you know that show Sex Sent Me to the ER? It could've been that show also. I can't remember.
KAYLA: You know what's another show that's unrelated but stupid?
SARAH: Can I tell my story?
KAYLA: Oh I thought you were done.
SARAH: No! Apparently, I can't remember if this was on a fictional show or on Sex Sent Me to the ER, either way, there was this couple who, like a middle-aged 50s couple...
KAYLA: That makes it worse. Ew yucky.
SARAH: ...who were doing the do...
KAYLA: Gross.
SARAH: ...and the husband got stuck...
KAYLA: Inside of her?
SARAH: ...inside the wife because he had recently gotten penis piercing.
KAYLA: (gasp) What 50 year old recently gets a penis piercing?!
SARAH: I don't know. But it got caught and they had to go to the hospital still...
KAYLA: How'd they get there? How did they get there?
SARAH: Well I don't know how they got there, but then once they were there, their emergency contact who they needed to contact...
KAYLA: (gasp) Was it their mom? Was it mom?
SARAH: It was their daughter.
KAYLA: Nooo!
SARAH: (laughs) She was like a fully grown adult.
KAYLA: No!
SARAH: And it was their daughter. She was like 20 something (laughs).
KAYLA: No. Can you imagine? Oh my god, I would absolutely die. (gasps dramatically) I hope an ambulance got them because how would you drive?
SARAH: Yeah you wouldn't.
KAYLA: Your friend would. Calling your friend being like "hey uh so I need a ride to the..." Oh my god.
SARAH: We've made a mistake.
KAYLA: Oh my god. Another place not to put your penis, a steel pipe.
(10:00)
SARAH: Wow shocking.
KAYLA: You know what's interesting? Is these are all real stories.
SARAH: I hate it.
KAYLA: Oh no. Doctors initially couldn't operate on him because the restricted blood flow caused a massive boner. Which seems like it should be the opposite if it was restricted blood flow.
SARAH: Is that how boners work?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I don't know how boners work.
KAYLA: A roll of tape. It was a DIY cock ring. That was...
SARAH: Have you ever seen..? No wait, have you ever seen the video, it was going around the internet a couple years ago, where the woman is talking about how to use a grapefruit to make your sexual experience better for your partner. It was really weird.
KAYLA: Are you supposed to put a grapefruit on the man's penis?
SARAH: Yeah. Like stick their penis through.
KAYLA: That just sounds sticky. So it's supposed to go through the grapefruit and then into your vagina?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Is my vagina not good enough that we have to add a fucking grapefruit?
SARAH: No I think it was just for non-vagina sex.
KAYLA: Is that so it tastes better if you're giving oral? Cause I can see that.
SARAH: I think it was just like the sensation, apparently. This woman was like really into it, she was like...
KAYLA: I just don't understand what...
SARAH: We could find it, I'm sure.
KAYLA: I'm just like, here's my thing, is from what I've heard from males about sex experiences, I think vaginas apparently feel good to have sex with.
SARAH: That is what seems to be the case.
KAYLA: Yeah. Is a grapefruit better? Like what the? You already have a vagina...
SARAH: Kayla.
KAYLA: ...and/or a mouth, why?
SARAH: I don't know. Well she was suggesting that you use the grapefruit and the mouth simultaneously.
KAYLA: I think the mouth is... if someone is not satisfied with just the mouth and needs a grapefruit, I think maybe they should get over themselves. Like I don't know who you are that you need...
SARAH: That, and she was also just like "blindfold him so that he doesn't know what it is."
KAYLA: That would be scary!
SARAH: That is not...
KAYLA: Can you imagine expecting a mouth and then all of a sudden there's just a grapefruit on your dick and you're like why does your mouth feel like that? And they're like "oh got you, it's a grapefruit."
SARAH: (laughs) What if it was your first time with someone and they were like "this is my mouth! This is what my mouth is."
KAYLA: I'd be like "wow interesting, I didn't realize anyone's mouth felt this citrusy." Don't put your penis in a jar of pasta.
SARAH: Shocker.
KAYLA: Measuring himself. A wedding ring?!
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: How big is your... how big or small... how... what?
SARAH: How small is your penis? How big is your wedding ring?
KAYLA: "Erotic reasons on the recommendation of his friends." What shit friends!
SARAH: That's horrible. I just don't understand how that would work.
KAYLA: Oh they had to cut it off.
SARAH: His penis off? (laughs)
KAYLA: Your dick would... (laughs) probably the ring. It'd either have to be micro-penis or like guy got some big fingers.
SARAH: Like really big fingers.
KAYLA: Like that doesn't... have you seen a ring?
SARAH: Like are you okay? Your fingers are...
KAYLA: Sausages.
SARAH: Wait. There's an actor whose name I can't remember, I just - okay, I watched the movie Lincoln in high school cause I got extra credit in my APUSH class. For those of you don't speak APUSH, AP US History.
KAYLA: (laughs) If you don't speak APUSH.
SARAH: It's just a class. It's a US history class. We'll stop there. And I watched... I went to see this movie for extra credit and one of the actors, who's been in a lot of other things but this is when I first noticed it...
KAYLA: Daniel Craig?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: He has sausage fingers!
KAYLA: Oh my god, Sarah.
SARAH: His fingers are so big! And like...
KAYLA: Would you say that they were like a size as comparable to a penis?
SARAH: Here's the thing, I don't have a really good size reference for a penis.
KAYLA: Yeah you sure don't, do you?
SARAH: No. So I couldn't really tell you.
KAYLA: I'm like trying to think back to what a penis looks like (laughter). It's been awhile since I've seen one.
SARAH: Oh dear.
KAYLA: It'd have to be some big fingers.
SARAH: I mean he had sausage fingers, but I wouldn't say they were...
KAYLA: Penis fingers.
SARAH: ...dick fingers (laughter).
KAYLA: Fingers for dicks. Would you rather have a hand for your...
SARAH: No, no, no! Kayla! Stop don't even finish that!
KAYLA: Would you rather, I'll pose this to our listeners that have a dick.
SARAH: Ohhh I don't want to listen.
KAYLA: Would you rather have a hand where your penis is or have tiny dicks for fingers.
SARAH: I thought you were gonna say... I thought you were gonna say...
KAYLA: That was not that bad.
SARAH: ...do you have fingers on your dick. Like dick and then fingers.
KAYLA: Oh that's... so like the dick would be the arm?
SARAH: Sort of.
KAYLA: And then there'd be a hand coming... so like there would...
SARAH: And that makes me really uncomfortable, Kayla.
KAYLA: You could like give yourself a handjob (laughs).
SARAH: No you couldn't!
KAYLA: Well if you were... if you had a flexible wrist, perhaps.
SARAH: It's just fingers.
KAYLA: Oh if it's just fingers.
SARAH: It's just fingers.
KAYLA: You could... yeah, I guess you couldn't.
SARAH: I mean technically can't most people give themself a handjob?
KAYLA: Yeah, but it would just be like...
SARAH: Ew your dick gives your own dick a handjob.
KAYLA: Yeah, you could do it more covertly cause it's all there.
SARAH: I hate it.
KAYLA: I also hate it. Anyway, another place not to stick your dick... my mom just texted me, hope she's proud of me. A park bench.
(15:00)
SARAH: Like in a gap?
KAYLA: This is another Chinese man who stuck his penis...
SARAH: What kind of park bench?
KAYLA: They're showing this kind.
SARAH: Ah that helps our listeners.
KAYLA: A wooden plank kind where there's just like little gaps between each of the planks. I don't know if that's really...
SARAH: I don't know why anyone would do that.
KAYLA: (gasp) A toaster?!
SARAH: Why??
KAYLA: Oh he called fire...
SARAH: People are so stupid.
KAYLA: He called firefighters to get it out. Those poor men.
SARAH: People are so stupid.
KAYLA: Ooo "the 10 worst things that could happen to your penis." This is all on Men's Health, by the way.
SARAH: Incredible.
KAYLA: Serving quality health content.
SARAH: That's phenomenal.
KAYLA: Ew. I don't understand what any of these mean so.
SARAH: Good.
KAYLA: Buried alive?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Your penis can grow attached to your scrotum.
SARAH: Kayla!
KAYLA: Yeah?
SARAH: Our Snap streak.
KAYLA: Oh no! (laughs) Oh no.
SARAH: We're podding and we have to save the streak!
KAYLA: We've been - I have been - very bad about the streak lately.
SARAH: I know you have.
KAYLA: It's been me.
SARAH: But you know what, Kayla?
KAYLA: What Sarah?
SARAH: That does have nothing to do with dick locations.
KAYLA: Right. That was just what came up on the search history. So maybe if I Google "where do..."
SARAH: Our Snap (stumbles over words)... Snapchat streak came up on your search history?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: Oh I thought you meant 10 places you shouldn't put your dick has no...
SARAH: Oh no, I meant our Snap streak.
KAYLA: Our Snap streak. Yeah, it doesn't cause there's never been a dick on that Snap streak.
SARAH: So true.
KAYLA: I was talking to someone the other day and they said that they got an unsolicited dick pic, throwing it back to episode 1, on Facebook Messenger!
SARAH: (laughs) Jesus Christ!
KAYLA: And it was from someone they didn’t know. So you know how someone can request to send you a message?
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: But it still shows up whether you accept it or not, you see it. And it was just a penis on Facebook Messenger. Which, you know, is interesting because then I could just see exactly who you are.
SARAH: Yeah that's true.
KAYLA: Like that's so dumb of you.
SARAH: Like it's not just a floating dick. It's a floating dick with a head and a name attached.
KAYLA: And you can find their mother probably.
SARAH: Yeah. Unless they made an account just to harass people with.
KAYLA: And like it's just to... yeah that's true. But still seems more traceable than a Snapchat.
SARAH: Yeah but how often do you receive snaps from people you don't know? Never.
KAYLA: I have a friend that puts their Snapchat in their Tinder bio so anyone can find it.
SARAH: Oh dear god.
KAYLA: She sometimes gets dicks.
SARAH: That's gross.
KAYLA: But that seems kind of...
SARAH: I mean the whole point of Tinder is that you can't send dicks.
KAYLA: Right cause you, in Tinder chat, you can't send pictures but she... listen, I don't know why she does it. I think it's a bad idea.
SARAH: It's stupid.
KAYLA: Ooo "where do you position your genitals?"
SARAH: That's the right question.
KAYLA: Bike road review forum!
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: Is this something that they talk about on bike forums? Because sign me the fuck up. When men run, do dicks jiggle like boobs do?
SARAH: Yeah, I was going to say it's probably a lot like boobs where the more support you have, the less they...
KAYLA: Right. But if you're just wearing boxers. How does that work?
SARAH: I would think it would be about the same as if you decided to go on a run wearing a tank top, like a cami with one of those built-in bras, where it's like I mean technically there's support there but it's really not useful.
KAYLA: But it's not enough. Oh my god this guy's calling it his twig and berries.
SARAH: I hate that.
KAYLA: Boy we know what you're talking about, you don't...
SARAH: Really hate that.
KAYLA: This guy has been road cycling for 2 years, he's (laughs)- since he's started, he's tried different placement for his genitals.
SARAH: Wow interesting.
KAYLA: Seems like everyone sort of does it different. Is this something that...? Oh. Apparently on this forum there hasn't been much talk about it. I wonder why.
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: He used to make room for his genitals to go sideways or down and to the left while standing. Then while riding, they would compact... what? (laughter) Okay so when he was riding, they would be in a compact bunch. Okay, so his genitals would be in a lil compact bunch.
SARAH: But how are they not always in a compact bunch?
KAYLA: Moving around and... what do you mean? Cause they dangle, Sarah.
SARAH: I know they dangle. But like how do you put them in a compact bunch?
KAYLA: I think in the position you sit in when you bike, I think they kind of just like get a little squished up.
SARAH: Do you have to put them there?
KAYLA: I don't think so.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: "Moving around in relation to my leg, they would occasionally chafe or move around, causing discomfort. This needed to change." He now puts a bib on... I'm assuming that's something that bike riders wear.
SARAH: Um it's just a...
KAYLA: (gasp) "Pull the shorts up till the" something, some item of clothing "is snug against my taint."
SARAH: I hate that.
KAYLA: "While flipping my entire scrotum, testicles, and penis directly upwards towards my belly button." Oh so he like...
SARAH: Just fold it all up.
KAYLA: He takes his genitals and folds it against his stomach and then puts his shorts on.
SARAH: It's the opposite of tucking like drag queens.
KAYLA: Oh my god, yes. Wait why wouldn't he just tuck? Oh you'd be sitting on your dick (laughs).
SARAH: Cause you'd be sitting on it (laughs).
(20:00)
KAYLA: That's why you wouldn't want to do that. It keeps his "penis stretched directly upwards with one testicle on either side." Would you have a moose knuckle?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You would totally have a moose knuckle. But I guess you're biking.
SARAH: But if you're on a bike it doesn't... you can't really...
KAYLA: Wow this was more graphic... I am so sorry. This always happens.
SARAH: Okay but I did want to know and now I know.
KAYLA: I did also... well that was just one guy, we'll check Reddit.
SARAH: Yeah it could be different for other people.
KAYLA: So wow I cannot imagine how uncomfortable it would be to fold your entire dick and balls up.
SARAH: I didn't realize that...
KAYLA: I mean they're mobile.
SARAH: I guess.
KAYLA: I mean if you can tuck them down you can tuck them up I guess.
SARAH: I guess. I just don't...
KAYLA: Okay so this guy just started road biking and his penis rolls up into his body. Does it go inside?
SARAH: I don't understand.
KAYLA: Well it's like... I've been told that when men go in very cold water everything kind of shrinks up into the body.
SARAH: I guess.
KAYLA: Maybe it just goes back. He has to get in the shower to get it out. It sounds like his penis is literally inverting into his body.
SARAH: That seems to be the case.
KAYLA: I'm very sorry.
SARAH: How does he pee?
KAYLA: Apparently you can get a bike that has a slit down the middle.
SARAH: Oh I hate it! Oh I hate it!
KAYLA: Slit, yeah. I don't understand how that works.
SARAH: See here's the thing...
KAYLA: Is it like a hole for your dick to sit in?
SARAH: ...on one hand, this would be a great pod to have a guest on. On the other hand...
KAYLA: But I have no male humans that I know that I am willing to look at while having this conversation.
SARAH: Exactly.
KAYLA: Literally no one.
SARAH: Yeah. Like I've got, you know, a couple friends who are male who I would consider to be pretty close friends. But not close enough to have this conversation with them.
KAYLA: Oh! Apparently this guy calls this the kit dick.
SARAH: Oh? What does that mean?
KAYLA: None of these answers make sense to me but I think it's because I don't understand biking terms or dick terms.
SARAH: Honestly, tag yourself.
KAYLA: Alright we'll look up "do dicks wiggle when you run?" (laughter)
SARAH: I'm gonna say absolutely the answer is yes.
KAYLA: But like I don't understand how that's... for women, that is such a problem for boobs that you have a sports bra. How is it so...? "5 ways running affects your penis and balls."
SARAH: Mmm I hate that. Well, cause I feel like just cause boobage, I mean it depends on how big your boobs are, but like there's more boobage than there is...
KAYLA: Dickage.
SARAH: ...dickage.
KAYLA: You're not wrong.
SARAH: So it's probably more of an issue.
KAYLA: Okay these are all like it can strengthen your sperm! None of this matters.
SARAH: Also if your boobs are big enough or if you're in the wrong part of your cycle, depending on who you are, your boobs might hurt if they're bouncing around too much. Can you dick hurt from bouncing?
KAYLA: I don't know, I don't have one!
SARAH: I don't either.
KAYLA: No one is seeming to have an answer to this. Okay, there's some good stories about how there's those apps that you can look at where you're running from a top-down view and so people have drawn penises with their running route. But that's like not...
SARAH: I don't like that.
KAYLA: "Can running in cold weather freeze my penis?"
SARAH: Is this one of those things where it's intuitive?
KAYLA: No I don't care Dick's Sporting Goods, I want a dick!
SARAH: I feel like maybe this is intuitive where like all people with a penis... now how does that work for trans men? I'm just assuming this is intuitive, Kayla, if we can't find the answers.
KAYLA: "9 weird things your penis does." Oh this is just in general, okay.
SARAH: Okay, let's find out.
KAYLA: Sure. That's an uncomfortable picture, it's a banana in between two pears and there's liquid falling on them.
SARAH: I don't like it.
KAYLA: That was not a picture I wanted! Okay, that's something. Some stuff about semen. It shrinks when it gets wet, that's exciting.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: "Why do you pitch a tent every morning?"
SARAH: At first I thought you meant like go put out a tent in your yard and I was like really? Interesting.
KAYLA: A penis...
SARAH: And then I was like oh, I understand.
KAYLA: None of this is exciting.
SARAH: Boo.
KAYLA: It's all about stuff that I don't...
SARAH: Booooo.
KAYLA: "Why is urine yellow regardless of what you eat or drink?" That's a stupid question.
SARAH: That's not related to dicks, Kayla. Not for this episode.
KAYLA: Wow I'm just reading you what this article says. Wow, all of these were bad.
SARAH: Good I love it.
KAYLA: Ugh this is lame. Ooo does... do... guy girl (mumbles)... A website girlsaskguys.com. See this, yeah.
SARAH: This is what I'm here for.
KAYLA: This is what... yeah. Okay, alright. "Does the penis move around when guys walk? So it doesn't move that much unless we run or jump." Ew! "If you're warm, your balls hang lower." That's gross. But I guess that makes sense if they shrink up when you get cold.
SARAH: I mean I guess also if you are playing a sport that involves wearing a cup, that sort of - that covers it literally and figuratively.
(25:00)
KAYLA: Yeah. How do cups work?
SARAH: I don't totally know.
KAYLA: Oh that's what a jock strap is for, isn't it?
SARAH: Is it?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Well cause the cup has to... I don't know.
SARAH: Never seen one in real life.
KAYLA: Me either.
SARAH: Or in fake life. I've never seen one. I just...
KAYLA: "I wear my penis down!" (laughter) What a statement!
SARAH: It's like saying oh I wear my hair down. I wear my dick down.
KAYLA: Some men wear theirs up. Huh, is that like a normal, even when you're not biking, some people just wear their penis up?
SARAH: I just don't know, Kayla. I'm not sure why you think I would know the answer to this.
KAYLA: I don't... I just... (laughs) This person, so this girl asked, and this person just goes "that's why you don't have one, you don't need to bother yourself about it." Bitch, some of us are just curious!
SARAH: We're curious, we want to understand.
KAYLA: Oh, apparently some people accidentally sit on their balls. I think that's something you should just like... don't do that.
SARAH: Seems about right.
KAYLA: How do you run?? "Does a pe-" (laughs). Ladies, this is a question, unrelated, but another question that was asked. "Ladies, does a penis inside you make you orgasm better?" (laughs) Like what? Nothing about...
SARAH: Oh boy. I like...
KAYLA: "11 things guys secretly do with their penises."
SARAH: I'm a little concerned. Like that website, is it girls ask guys?
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: Or is it both ways?
KAYLA: It's girls ask guys, but it seems to go both ways.
SARAH: Cause I feel like I'm a little afraid of what would be asked of girls.
KAYLA: Well now we just have to look.
SARAH: Yeah. Let's find out.
KAYLA: Cause I'm finding no answers about this.
SARAH: Yeah that's stupid.
KAYLA: So maybe it is intuitive. Ooo okay so what should... what do we want to know about? Girls' behavior, flirting, dating, relationships, fashion and beauty, health and fitness, marriage and weddings, breakup and divorce.
SARAH: I don't know. This has nothing to do with our topic but I say we run with it (laughs).
KAYLA: I agree, I'm having a good time. We'll do girls' behavior.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: I think that'll get us probably angry.
SARAH: Yeah probably.
KAYLA: (laughs) Quality content about us getting angry.
SARAH: Yup. I mean all the best pod topics.
KAYLA: "Girl says she's not sure if she's attracted to me, but continues to have sex with me." (laughter)
SARAH: I think that sounds like a personal problem of the girl.
KAYLA: I think it's a personal problem for the girl and the guy. Like maybe you should be more attractive. (laughter)
SARAH: Kayla!
KAYLA: I didn't mean it.
SARAH: That's just horrible.
KAYLA: Oh she... okay, so the girl thinks... okay, the girl thinks that this guy is “cute and adorable but guys she's slept with in the past were hot."
SARAH: Ohhh.
KAYLA: Then she was like "she doesn't know if she's attracted to him cause she's not really sure what attraction means. She's looking forward to having sex with me, she's just a little out of her mind."
SARAH: Here's the question, where does the guy put his dick?
KAYLA: In her vagina, Sarah!
SARAH: No! I mean in life!
KAYLA: Okay, do you know how many 162 centimeters in feet?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Can you look it up? This kid goes "I am 162 centimeters height. Will I have a girlfriend in the future? I am 16 years."
SARAH: Actually 162 centimeters is quite short now that I think about it. (typing noises) That's 5' 3'', that's shorter than both of us.
KAYLA: Well he's only 16. Oh he's done. Well, he's not done growing.
SARAH: At 16.
KAYLA: Well, I still don't see what that has to do with anything. "I'm going to breakup with my girlfriend soon, would that make girls less..." (laughs) Okay. "I'm going to break up with my girlfriend soon, would that make girls less interested in me or?"
SARAH: Uh you're stupid.
KAYLA: I'm stupid?
SARAH: No that person. I have a question.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Back to dicks and dick locations. Two questions, actually.
KAYLA: Yeah I'm ready. I bet I know the answer to them.
SARAH: One, if your dick is smaller I would assume it makes it easier, right?
KAYLA: To what?
SARAH: To store.
KAYLA: Yeah. Well but that... I think it depends on how big it is in relation to the rest of your body.
SARAH: I guess that's true.
KAYLA: Because if it's like... if you're a small person and you have a small dick then it would be the same as a big person with a big dick. Because it all depends on your pant size.
SARAH: Now when people refer to their dick as big or small, are they referring to it in comparison to the size of their body?
KAYLA: (sigh) I don't know.
SARAH: I don't either.
KAYLA: I think people usually just...
SARAH: Cause I feel like people are like...
KAYLA: I have no idea.
SARAH: One time I saw a chart of average dick size by race. And it was like, I think it was saying that Asian people in general have smaller dicks but that's because Asian people, in general, are smaller.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: So like...
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: ...I don't know if we've standardized that.
KAYLA: No I don't think they have. People can either be a shower or a grower, also.
SARAH: Oh yeah, you explained that to me once but I forgot.
KAYLA: Okay so you have a dick.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And it's either big already when it's unexcited and doesn't get that much bigger when it gets erect. Or you have a dick that's kind of small or normal, but when it gets erect it gets much bigger. So you're either a shower or a grower.
SARAH: I don't understand the science behind that.
(30:00)
KAYLA: How it grows?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: It just like does. I don't know how but it does.
SARAH: I don't understand.
KAYLA: I don't know how to help you.
SARAH: I don't either. Okay, second question.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I imagine... okay, I know we were talking about dick location being intuitive, but I'm sure there's cultural differences.
KAYLA: I don't know, I guess so.
SARAH: Like there's gotta be.
KAYLA: Well it would even just depend on the kind of clothes people are wearing in different cultures.
SARAH: Yeah. Like okay, if you come from a place that wears kilts.
Kayla Your dick is just...
SARAH: It's probably just hanging.
KAYLA: Can you imagine if you grew up your whole life wearing a kilt for some reason, like nothing else, and then you saw pants for the first time. Do you think they'd get confused about their dick?
SARAH: I always have never understood why it is generally in the world more common for women to wear skirts and men to wear pants when biologically, it would make so much more sense...
KAYLA: For men to wear skirts.
SARAH: ...for men to wear skirts.
KAYLA: Here's my thing about kilts, though, is please put some underwear on. (laughter)
SARAH: Yeah. I always don't understand if... sometimes you'll hear of girls wearing dresses and not wearing underwear underneath it and I'm like are you not afraid?
KAYLA: I once knew of a girl that went to a school dance with no underwear on...
SARAH: No, that's horrible.
Kayal: ...and she was on her period and you could see the string...
SARAH: Oh no!
KAYLA: ...of her tampon.
SARAH: Oh no!
KAYLA: And like (quiet screaming).
SARAH: What?!
KAYLA: Yeah. Scary. I can understand it for dresses that you could see underwear lines and stuff.
SARAH: Well I have... Last year I had to wear a dress for a thing that was kind of tight and so I just wore shorts underneath that were very tight so there was sort of a line but it wasn't an underwear line, which I think was the best way to go.
KAYLA: I don't know. When I danced, I danced for like 16 years, we were not allowed to wear underwear under our costumes because of the lines.
SARAH: But did you wear tights?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. Cause a lot of dancers you're not a allowed to wear underwear but you usually wear tights.
KAYLA: Right. But it was still scary if you were on your period during recital time. Like you have nowhere to put anything.
SARAH: Yeah. I think we talked about this last week, but those poor girls in Hamilton.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I just can't.
KAYLA: No, two weeks ago.
SARAH: Or ballerinas who wear white.
KAYLA: Like the white things. Yeah.
SARAH: It's a lot.
KAYLA: We transitioned real hard here.
SARAH: We did.
KAYLA: From dicks right back to vaginas.
SARAH: Real hard ba dum tsss.
KAYLA: No Sarah.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Well I did my best.
KAYLA: It wasn't very good.
SARAH: Okay. I just don't understand dicks. But on one hand I want to understand them, but on the other hand, I don't know how much I really want to understand them.
KAYLA: But I don't know how relevant it is for you to understand them at all, either.
SARAH: Oh it's not.
KAYLA: So I feel like it's not gonna harm you not to know, you know?
SARAH: No, probably not. But also like...
KAYLA: Don't know that you're missing much.
SARAH: Also how does a penis piercing work? Is it just on the end of it?
KAYLA: I don't know. Ugh, we'll look it up.
SARAH: I'm afraid.
KAYLA: "How do penis piercings..."
SARAH: I'm so afraid. I don't even really know how nipple piercings work.
KAYLA: Me either.
SARAH: Like I know where... you can have bar ones, too.
KAYLA: Yeah they go through...
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: ...the nipple part. "Traditionally placed on the underside of the penis shaft towards the head of the penis. A piercing needle is passed into the urethra."
SARAH: So it is just sort of like an eyebrow piercing where it just sort of goes through the skin?
KAYLA: Yeah I think it'd probably go through the first layer of penis skin. From what I've heard, apparently, it can make sex feel better for whoever you're putting your dick in? But I don't buy that at all.
SARAH: I would be so stressed out about it after hearing about that couple.
KAYLA: After hearing that it could get stuck? Yeah hell no.
SARAH: Yeah wouldn't want that. Wouldn't want that. Well okay, when girls hit puberty and they acquire boobs.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Learning to deal with your boobs is a thing you gotta do. I would imagine the same would be for learning to deal with your dick.
KAYLA: I think what they have to learn to do deal with is when boys are younger and going through puberty, you get accidental erections.
SARAH: Yeah, that seems really a great bother.
KAYLA: And wet dream things. I have been told that even when you're a bit older that for some people if you don't masturbate often enough...
SARAH: What the fuck??
KAYLA: (laughs) ...that you get wet dreams and stuff like that more often because I guess there's just too much going on.
SARAH: I don't like that at all.
KAYLA: I don't either, but from what I've heard from a couple place, and this could be so untrue, is that I guess it might be kind of necessary to masturbate or else it's uncomfortable.
(35:00)
SARAH: Hm. Okay, what if you're a guy that's ace. Would you still have issues with accidental erections if you're going through puberty?
KAYLA: That's like we were talking about last week is your body still works. And a lot of times...
SARAH: Well is that to do with just your body changing? Or is that to do with being attracted to people?
KAYLA: I don't know. Because when the thing that was like "why do you pitch a tent every morning?" like it is very common like "ooo morning wood." Like it is, apparently, very common.
SARAH: But I think that is more just biology.
KAYLA: Right. But so if that's biology, is also just random erections also just biology?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Me either.
SARAH: So much to know. So much that I'm not sure that I want to know.
KAYLA: Yeah I don't feel the need to know that much.
SARAH: Yeah. It would actually just be kind of interesting to see how an ace male felt that their coming of age experience was different. Because if your sexuality does impact that, I feel like if you're ace and you're a guy you'd know sooner than if you weren't.
KAYLA: Yeah. Cause I know I've talked to guys before that have been like "oh yeah, in middle school it was a thing that if you didn't watch porn it was like you're weird." So it was something that was apparently actively talked about.
SARAH: And I feel like that's also just another weird double standard thing.
KAYLA: Well no it is cause you...
SARAH: It's expected of men. So I think that...
KAYLA: You expect men to watch porn. If a woman watches porn you're like (gasp) what??
SARAH: Yeah and so I think that's the difference. Also, it could help guys. Now I'm really curious.
KAYLA: I don't know any ace men.
SARAH: Kayla, you're a psych person.
KAYLA: Here I am.
SARAH: I need you to do some... make a clinical study.
KAYLA: Clinical research? I am not qualified for this at all.
SARAH: I want to know if male ace people figure it out earlier than female ace people.
KAYLA: You could just send out a simple survey. You could do a... Sarah, send out a survey.
SARAH: Kayla.
KAYLA: Yeah?
SARAH: Seems like a lot of work.
KAYLA: I think you could do it on Google Forms. Just send out a survey.
SARAH: I could. Alternatively, I could not. I don't know if we have enough male listeners of this pod who are ace.
KAYLA: We don't but we could put it out there.
SARAH: We could.
KAYLA: And see who answers.
SARAH: I am just curious.
KAYLA: We could try.
SARAH: Do you wanna try?
KAYLA: Put it on our Tumblr and our Twitter and see what we get.
SARAH: We'll try.
KAYLA: Like what gender do you identify as and when did you know you were ace? And we could do some correlations.
SARAH: We could. Incredible.
KAYLA: Well we might do that.
SARAH: We may or may not do that. And if we do, we may or may not get enough results to mean anything.
KAYLA: We probably won't but we can try our best.
SARAH: Nice. Kayla?
KAYLA: Yep here I am.
SARAH: What's our poll?
KAYLA: Oh nooo. Alright, what seems like the worst place to put your dick?
SARAH: Whew. Vitamin Water.
KAYLA: Alright, a Vitamin Water bottle.
SARAH: A wedding ring? Question mark?
KAYLA: Okay we can't just use... we have to come up with some of our own.
SARAH: Alright, okay.
KAYLA: What's something else that's very small?
SARAH: Uh... uh...
KAYLA: Don't put your dick in a fan.
SARAH: How would you do that? (laughs)
KAYLA: Some fans have slots, like grating, in the front that's I'm sure big enough to put...
SARAH: Honestly, a new meaning to helicopter dick (laughs).
KAYLA: Ew! Don't put your dick in a helicopter. When you go in a helicopter, leave your dick at home.
SARAH: Don't put your dick in... through... okay (laughs) this is weirdly specific.
KAYLA: I'm scared.
SARAH: So you know how when you get a new door before they put...
KAYLA: Ohhh.
SARAH: ...the handle on?
KAYLA: How am I gonna fit this in the small amount of characters I have, Sarah?
SARAH: I don't know! A door hole (laughs).
KAYLA: A door knob hole?
SARAH: Door knob hole. Actually door knob holes are pretty big.
KAYLA: You could definitely fit your dick in that easily.
SARAH: Yeah but also the person...
KAYLA: But like don't.
SARAH: ...seeing that on the other side...
KAYLA: That'd be funny.
SARAH: ...is gross.
KAYLA: Oh that's literally a glory hole.
SARAH: I don't fully know what a glory hole is.
KAYLA: Actually it's not. Actually, I'm not fully sure either.
SARAH: Cool.
KAYLA: Anyway, don't put your dick... oh I just had one. In you know when you ice fishing how you have to cut a hole in the ice? Don't put your dick in that. (laughter) Don't put your dick in that hole.
SARAH: Incredible.
KAYLA: It'd be very cold.
SARAH: Probably wouldn't get stuck because it would just get smaller.
KAYLA: Uh yeah but don't put your dick in it.
SARAH: Is that 4?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: That was 3.
SARAH: Okay so what? We have...
ALL: Vitamin Water.
KAYLA: A door knob hole.
SARAH: (laughs) A door knob hole.
KAYLA: And an ice fishing hole.
SARAH: I just keep looking at that light bulb.
KAYLA: Don't put your dick in a light bulb? But you can't... in a light bulb socket?
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: What are those called?
SARAH: No cause if you take the... I guess if you... a broken light bulb (laughs).
KAYLA: No. No one would do that, it's shards of glass. We're not using that one. Don't put your dick...
SARAH: One of those curly light bulbs.
KAYLA: ...in a waffle iron.
SARAH: In a waffle iron? Yeah.
KAYLA: Don't try to waffle your dick.
SARAH: (laughs) Don't try to waffle your dick!
(40:00)
KAYLA: Hashtag don't try to waffle your dick. There it is!
SARAH: Okay, so Vitamin Water, door knob hole, what was yours?
KAYLA: Ice fishing hole.
SARAH: (laughs) Ice fishing hole.
KAYLA: Waffle iron.
SARAH: Waffle iron. I think there's a clear winner.
KAYLA: What one do you think it is?
SARAH: I think the clear winner is waffle iron (laughs).
KAYLA: Well it depends if it's on or not, I suppose.
SARAH: I guess.
Kayal: If you just wanna lay it there that's fine, I guess.
SARAH: (laughs) Please wash the waffle iron.
KAYLA: Yeah, please. Please, first of all, maybe wash it.
SARAH: I think I would be most concerned about seeing a dick hanging through a door knob hole.
KAYLA: Yeah can you imagine just walking past a door and you're like "huh that's not a door knob."
SARAH: That's not a door knob.
KAYLA: That's a penis, actually, is what that is.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah I don't think I'd like that at all.
SARAH: Alright you can find that poll, that horrible, horrible poll...
KAYLA: We're very sorry about it.
SARAH: ...on Twitter @soundsfakepod. You can also email us soundsfakepod@gmail.com. If you have not listened to all of our episodes you may not know this, however, we don't accept dick pics.
KAYLA: No. No.
SARAH: We will accept cow pics.
KAYLA: Pictures of cows? Yes.
SARAH: If you're confused, listen to episodes what? 1 and 2?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. But yeah...
KAYLA: Don't send us dick pics.
SARAH: I guess you can tell us about your dick experience if you have one.
KAYLA: Preferably if...
SARAH: I would rather you do it anonymously, if possible.
KAYLA: If you do, find a way to email us anonymously especially...
SARAH: Okay, if we know you. If we don't know you it doesn't matter.
KAYLA: Yeah but if I know you, you better not attach your name to that because I have no interest in that.
SARAH: Make a new email address (laughs) that's just numbers.
KAYLA: Yeah cause I have no interest in knowing about any of your dicks.
SARAH: Incredible. Where can people listen to this fantastic, incredible content?
KAYLA: Yeah you can listen to this A+ content on iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher Radio, anywhere else you can find your podcasts. I would love it if you left us a comment or a review on iTunes.
SARAH: We have enough reviews that we actually show up with...
KAYLA: 5 stars!
SARAH: Yeah we got 5 stars! Thanks guys.
KAYLA: But you should leave us more because do it.
SARAH: But only 5 star reviews. We don't want it to go down.
KAYLA: But only 5 stars. I know we don't deserve them but give them to us anyway.
SARAH: You can give us whatever number of stars you want. However, it is highly encouraged that you give us 5. If you think that you like listening to this weird shit about dicks and stuff, you could give us some money...
KAYLA: You could pay us for this content.
SARAH: ...via Patreon.
KAYLA: Where is our Patreon, Sarah?
SARAH: It's patreon.com/soundsfakepod.
KAYLA: It sure is.
SARAH: We currently have 5... 5?
KAYLA: 3.
SARAH: No we have 3 patrons.
KAYLA: Who pay for this shit! Can you imagine?
SARAH: I can't believe they do that. They're great.
KAYLA: Honestly I love them.
SARAH: We've got Jennifer Smart, she is wonderful and the kindest and the nicest.
KAYLA: She is a lovely lady.
SARAH: You can find her on YouTube at Lehen Productions. She's got some cool stuff. L-E-H-E-N Productions. There's also Asritha. Asritha is still existing. We're proud of her.
KAYLA: We're very proud of her.
SARAH: Her Instagram is @asritha_v, at A-S-R-I-T-H-A underscore V. I think she's on private but like...
KAYLA: But follow her anyway.
SARAH: Even if you don't know her and you're like "eh," just follow her and...
KAYLA: She's a good time.
SARAH: ...just enjoy it.
KAYLA: There's some pictures of us on there.
SARAH: There are.
KAYLA: So you’re welcome.
SARAH: I was about to say if you've ever wondered what we look like but we link our Twitters.
KAYLA: You can find that easily, you can find some fresh content on our Twitters.
SARAH: Yeah you know where you can see our faces? On our Twitter @soundsfakepod. You know where else you can see our face? Patreon.com/soundsfakepod!
KAYLA: Oh my god you're so right our faces are right there.
SARAH: We also... wait hold on I'm gonna do our last patron.
KAYLA: Ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I'm actually behind myself. Our last patron is our $10 patron, she is Emma, she is @emmatfink. She's great.
KAYLA: She's great. She has a cat who she's been spoiling a lot lately. She recently, I think, bought an app for her cat to play with?
SARAH: Yeah. Here's the thing, I forgot about our Tumblr again.
KAYLA: Oh it's there.
SARAH: We have a Tumblr, it's soundsfakepod.tumblr.com. There are things there. They're good, they're not dicks. Although there are a lot of dicks on Tumblr.
KAYLA: But not...
SARAH: Both in the sense of actual dicks and people who are dicks.
KAYLA: I'm pretty sure porn is actually blacklisted on our Tumblr.
SARAH: Good.
KAYLA: I like... good... yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. Alright. Thank you for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.