Ep 382: Listener Lore pt. 8
SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I'm Sarah, that's me.)
KAYLA: And a bi-demisexual girl (that's me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode: Listener Lore.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pooooooooooood!
KAYLA: Oh, very nice.
SARAH: Thank you.
KAYLA: You're welcome.
SARAH: Do you have any further contributions?
KAYLA: I’m shocked by the reception to last week's episode.
SARAH: Why?
KAYLA: The people loved it.
SARAH: Of course they loved it.
KAYLA: See but when we stopped recording, I sat there and I said, “that's the worst thing I've ever done.”
SARAH: Those are the ones that they always love.
KAYLA: What is wrong with you people? I guess we'll just keep putting out the slop.
SARAH: My sister texted me and she was like, “I'm sorry, I can't listen to this.” And I was like, “no, that's fair.”
KAYLA: No, that’s fair.
SARAH: I was like, “I do mention you at the end.”
KAYLA: Skip to that part.
SARAH: And she was like, “I hope it's about something entirely different.” And I was like, “well, it's mostly about how you probably wouldn't want to listen to this one.”
KAYLA: To all that, yeah. And you were right.
SARAH: And oh, she issued a correction.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: Last week when I was... two weeks ago, sorry, when I was talking about my grandma breaking her jaw because she fell from a ladder up north.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Not only did my aunt not know what… like freak out and not really know what to do, she ran away into the woods and they couldn't find her.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I knew it was more extreme than I… but I didn't want to make things up. So, shout out to my sister for that clarification.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know that you could have made all that up. That is wild.
SARAH: The cottage is in the woods, but the woods aren't that thick.
KAYLA: How old?
SARAH: I want to say she was like seven.
KAYLA: Mh
SARAH: And my mom would have been like nine.
KAYLA: Tough.
SARAH: So, there's that. Anyway, remember how last week we were like, we were going to do a business meeting and then we couldn't because Kayla went to Connecticut. Okay. We weren't even going to do a business meeting last weekend because we didn't even remember to try and plan it.
KAYLA: I don't think we could have anyway, I had a lot going on and I have a lot going on this weekend. I could do Sunday, we can talk about it.
SARAH: Okay, maybe Sunday.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Because I'm probably going to have a lot going on the weekend after that. And then the weekend after that, I'm going to be on a different continent.
KAYLA: Okay, we're going to figure it out. You guys, we are going to figure it out.
SARAH: We got this.
KAYLA: We're going to do it.
SARAH: Okay. So, we don't have any housekeeping…
KAYLA: Nope.
SARAH: Because we didn't do a business meeting.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we're talking about you.
SARAH: You. Not the television program.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Not the letter.
KAYLA: Nope.
SARAH: Not the type of wood.
KAYLA: Nope.
SARAH: But you, dear listener.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm, and your lore. We’re digging in. I went back to the top…
SARAH: The top.
KAYLA: Of the responses. Because y'all need to… listen, there hasn't been many new submissions in a while so y'all need to get on it. But I really… I was combing through the depths, finding gems.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, I'm just going to go chronologically by when they were submitted because I couldn't decide what to do.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But we'll get to them all at some point anyway, so.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Okay, this one is actually the first ever submission, October, 2024.
SARAH: Oh, wow!
KAYLA: What? This is from Abby. And this is before I realized that we should ask for pronouns. So, who's to say?
SARAH: Who's to say?
KAYLA: We have actually told one small story of Abby's before. This was probably a very early episode of listener lore about, I once went home with a guy, we were making out in his bed and then he stopped and said, “hold on, I need to put this away,” and pulled out a handgun from under his pillow.
SARAH: Right. Did Abby give their pronouns for that one?
KAYLA: It's all in the same…
SARAH: Oh, it’s all the same… okay.
KAYLA: They submitted several different stories in one. So, I'm just going to read one more of their stories. So, they submitted a couple of small stories about this person, Nick, and the other two are… I mean, how long do we want to spend talking about Nick?
SARAH: I don't know. How interesting is Nick?
KAYLA: I mean, I do think it's interesting content. Well, you know what? Let's just talk about Nick for a while.
SARAH: Let's just wing it. Let's go. This is the Nick podcast.
KAYLA: Let's speak on Nick. This is the Nick cast. Okay. So, the first… and I think these are also chronological, these Nick stories. And they get longer and longer, we're about to go on a Nick…
SARAH: I'm ready.
KAYLA: We're going to be there. Do you want me to send this to you so you can read it?
SARAH: I'm going to focus so hard.
KAYLA: Right. Okay. So, the first one, I was at my parents' house with my first boyfriend, we'll call him Nick. And Nick wanted to bond with my dad who goes hunting every year. So, he wanted to go to the gun range with him to bond. And when I brought this up to my dad in front of Nick and my mom, my dad's face lit up and said, “oh yeah? How fast can he run?” I then chaperoned the trip to the gun range.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So.
SARAH: That's a very dad thing to say.
KAYLA: It's a very dad vibe, yeah.
SARAH: Is there anyone… do we think anyone listening is confused? Do we need to explain that?
KAYLA: Maybe.
SARAH: The joke is that they're going to a gun range so he wants to know how fast Nick can run because he's going to shoot at Nick, that's the joke.
KAYLA: That's it. He he he!
SARAH: Is it a joke? I don't know.
KAYLA: I don't know. Okay. Next Nick story. Oh, sorry, not chronological. Another Nick story before the one above.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Now that's actually interesting. We had dated for like a month before I went to college and then I broke up with him because I wanted to experience college as a single person but then we started hooking up again in late winter, early spring semester.
SARAH: Did you go to the same college?
KAYLA: I don't think.
SARAH: Or a college nearby?
KAYLA: No, I will say in just one sentence. One night I'm back in my hometown, same city Nick lives in and 30 minutes away from the campus I live at.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: So not at college together. And I spent the night at Nick's house. When I go to leave in the morning, my car gets stuck on a lot of snow buildup at the edge of the driveway. And none of us, me, Nick or his roommates can get it out. So, I had to call my mom to ask what to do. And she said, “you're going to have to call your dad.” We both knew he would not be happy to get a call from his daughter who just spent the night at her ex's house and needed help. My parents didn't know I was talking to Nick again because we technically weren't back together yet, so, fun surprises all around for my dad that morning. He gets to the house and is fuming. Nick goes out to help him, but he is scared shitless the whole time. I stayed inside with the roommates who were also terrified. My dad worked his magic and got my car free all while criticizing how they take care of snow removal, the garden pot full of cigarettes, pots in the garage, and commenting to me, “I thought you guys broke up.” So not awkward at all.
SARAH: Yeah. Iowa.
KAYLA: That's your guess?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I don't think we ever find out, but…
SARAH: Because it's a place where there's snow, but it's also giving like a little more rural to me with the whole like gun thing, guns have come up in two different stories.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair.
SARAH: So, I've decided it's Iowa.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And it has to be somewhere where like you could reasonably live 30 minutes from a university and have it still… like, I get the vibe that like it may be a little bit more rural, but they don't live in the middle of nowhere. You know?
KAYLA: Yeah. No, that makes sense.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: There's two somethings 30 minutes away from each other.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Both worth living in.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Yeah. Okay, this is the last Nick story. And this is the one where I read it. The first two I was like, okay, yeah. And then this one I was like, this guy is… we got to talk about this guy.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Nick and I dated for about two years once we were back together officially. On our two-year anniversary, he came home that morning after spending the night at a co-worker's apartment. He claimed often that he was going out for drinks for a guy’s night with his coworkers, which meant I couldn't tag along. But then his friend, we'll call her Bethany, was somehow always invited to guy’s night.
SARAH: Bethany, she’s one of the guys.
KAYLA: And he somehow always got too drunk to make it all the way home, so, we would have to spend the night at Bethany's apartment, which was like a half mile from our own place.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: Mm. Anyway, morning of our two-year anniversary, he comes home from Bethany's place and breaks up with me.
SARAH: Happy anniversary!
KAYLA: Happy anniversary!
SARAH: Did he realize it was their anniversary?
KAYLA: That's actually such an interesting question, probably no.
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: Mm. I sobbed harder than I ever had and spent a few days at my parents' house to collect myself. The night that I'm back in my apartment and sleeping before going back to school the next morning, I get a call from Nick at 4 a.m.
[00:10:00]
KAYLA: But when I answer, it's a cop on the other end saying Nick was found unconscious and parked at a stoplight and that he would be going to jail.
SARAH: Parked at a stoplight!?
KAYLA: Parked! I mean, hey, I'm glad that you maybe, I guess, parked before you fell asleep, that's nice of you.
SARAH: Put the car in park…
KAYLA: That was nice.
SARAH: Here at this intersection.
KAYLA: Important to note, there were scratches up both sides of the car that Nick didn't remember and where they found him indicated he was heading to my, formerly our, apartment from the bar. Nick told me that he took a Xanax from a friend because he was still anxious from the breakup and then went out drinking.
SARAH: Still anxious from the breakup?
KAYLA: I'm sorry what do you have to be anxious about?
SARAH: You dumped Abby on your second anniversary and you probably cheated on Abby a lot with Bethany.
KAYLA: But you're anxious!?
SARAH: But you're anxious, you needed the Xanax for that.
KAYLA: Oh, no. Yeah, let's see.
SARAH: Now, to be clear, Nick is not the same person who pulled out a handgun?
KAYLA: No, that is a different person unnamed.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Some interesting people this Abby has been involved with.
SARAH: Abby, what's your life like?
KAYLA: Girl! I would actually really love to know where Abby lives because maybe that would inform where all these men keep coming from.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Abby, if you still listen…
KAYLA: After these two years
SARAH: Let us know if you're comfortable just telling us where you live. We don't have to share it with the audience if you don't want us to, we are just nosy and curious.
KAYLA: Just nosy, yeah. Yeah, so had a Xanax, went out drinking. He spent two weeks in jail after that.
SARAH: Two weeks!? What was his bail?
KAYLA: Also important to note, this was his second DUI in a month.
SARAH: In a month!?
KAYLA: So, he didn't have a license at the time of this one. And the car he was driving was one I bought for him for like 2K. It was used in and via family friends, so not too pricey so he would stop using mine all the time.
SARAH: You should have broken up with Nick so long ago.
KAYLA: Abby! Abby! We cannot be buying men cars.
SARAH: Oh my God. Abby, please!
KAYLA: Abby, please. While he was in jail, he called me regularly and asked me to come visit him so when he got out of jail, he came back to stay... Abby! He came back to stay with me and we started doing couple things again, like sharing a bed and going to the movies.
SARAH: Abigail, I'm assuming that's your name, Abigail.
KAYLA: Well, it's a fake name, Abby.
SARAH: Abigail, fake name Abigail, please!
KAYLA: What are we doing? Okay, then a couple of weeks later I drove him to work and as he's getting out of the car, he says that he has been seeing another girl, we'll call her Megan, she's a friend of Bethany.
SARAH: Of course.
KAYLA: And he likes her more so he'll be officially moving out.
SARAH: After you drove him to work.
KAYLA: Right. Oh, well, you got to get the ride to work. He then moved across the country with this new girl like two months later and now they're married with three kids.
SARAH: Wow!
KAYLA: But about a year after he told me he was leaving me for Megan when she was pregnant with the first kid and they were not yet engaged he came... Okay, so while Megan was pregnant, but before they were engaged to be married, he came by my place to give me money. I was making him pay me back for the car I bought him. Okay, good.
SARAH: Now that's a good choice.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: This is I think one of your first good choices that you have shown in these stories, I do apologize Abby, but I have questions about some of your life choices.
KAYLA: Yeah. And he tried to hook up with me.
SARAH: Ugh!
KAYLA: By the way, his girlfriend is pregnant. I let him stay the night since he didn't have a car, back on the bad decision train.
SARAH: Back on that shit. Wait, so he moved across the country with Megan?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And then he showed up in person to pay back or did they not move across the country until later?
KAYLA: I don’t know, maybe
SARAH: Oh, they moved across the country two months after they got together, right?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Well, I guess he was back visiting.
SARAH: So, Nick said, let me come back, I can't fucking drive…
KAYLA: But I can get on a plane.
SARAH: I'm going to take a taxi cab.
KAYLA: Maybe… Well, because she started dating Nick, it seems like post high school before college. So maybe that's like their hometown. So, he was back.
SARAH: Yeah. No, that makes sense, it’s just…
KAYLA: No, it’s a lot, it’s a lot.
SARAH: It's kind of funny to me that he would just be like, “I'm back, here's your cash.”
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Rose up on a bicycle.
KAYLA: Yeah. How did he get to your house?
SARAH: I don't know. How did he get to her house?
KAYLA: Well, so, he stayed the night because he didn't have a car. But Abby didn't sleep with him, so that's nice.
SARAH: Where did he sleep?
KAYLA: Well, I'll tell you… well. And then in the morning I got a message from his Facebook account while he's laying next to me, so he's laying next to us.
SARAH: Mm, Abby!
KAYLA: Asking if he left his wallet at my place last night, it was Megan trying to get me to admit that he spent the night.
SARAH: Wait. So, Megan was logged into his Facebook?
KAYLA: His Facebook. And she was acting as him being like, “oh no, I left my wallet,” trying to trick her into being like, oh yes, you were here last night.
SARAH: But he was still fucking laying here in her bed after she said, “no, I won't fuck you.”
KAYLA: But he was laying right beside her, mm-hmm.
SARAH: But sure, you can sleep in my bed.
KAYLA: One last note about Nick. Side note about the above. When he was in jail, he asked me to give him money to buy underwear since they take literally all your clothes and he was forced to go commando. Combine that with the fact that he was too scared to shit while he was there since it was a bit of an open concept.
SARAH: A bit of an open concept!? Understatement of the year, Abby.
KAYLA: I love referring to jail as, it's a bit open concept. And I felt karma really did me a solid. Abby, I have a lot of questions.
SARAH: I have so many questions.
KAYLA: And I…
SARAH: I have a lot of questions, I think the one that is most pressing to me, even though this shouldn't be the most pressing question, but I know it can be answered is; what was his bail? Why was he in jail for two weeks?
KAYLA: Well, because he was driving without a license.
SARAH: No, but do you…
KAYLA: No, I know. So, I'm saying they probably set his bail high. Also, he was asking her for money for underwear, so the man didn't have money.
SARAH: I know, I'm just like, “what!?”
KAYLA: She bought him a car, she bought him a 2K car, he could not afford a 2K car.
SARAH: I know, I’m just… So, in the event that you're in jail for something like that, because it's not prison, you're not sentenced to anything, you're just in jail and you can't pay your bail, is there just like a limit where they're like, “okay, it has been two weeks, you can leave now.”
KAYLA: Maybe.
SARAH: Because I know that some people get stuck in jail like basically forever if they can't pay their bail.
KAYLA: Maybe someone paid it eventually.
SARAH: Good golly.
KAYLA: I could not say. So that's Nick.
SARAH: Nick, what a catch!
KAYLA: What a catch! Okay, I know I said I was going to go in order, but as I was like reading that, my mind went to another story that I had read and I just remembered part of it and I was like, what even was that? And then I was questioning whether it was even a lore or like a TikTok I saw, but it is a lore.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: And it really stuck in my brain so I think we must discuss. So, this is from, I want to be anonymous so just give me a silly name like Goober or Spoingus or something.
SARAH: Glaubina.
KAYLA: Glaubina, that’s… Glaubina, he/they.
SARAH: Perfect.
KAYLA: Glaubina says, I'm not really good at storytelling, so I'm just going to be blunt. My first time was interesting to say the least. I was in my ex's house in their room and their family were watching TV downstairs. It was an old Victorian house and everything from the furniture to the floor to the walls was thin and creaky.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: After a while, we got a knock on the door as we tried to find our clothes, it was their mum.
SARAH: Mum.
KAYLA: Wow, British. It was their mum asking if we were all right…
SARAH: They could be Scottish or Irish, don't offend them like that.
KAYLA: Okay, my bad. Asking if we were all right and then giving us money for garlic bread. But yeah, I'm 100% sure they heard us and were just paying us to stop. Afterwards, their dad looked through the bin to find the evidence, he was really invasive of our boundaries in general for other reasons I won't get into. Oh yeah, this is also how they found out we were dating.
SARAH: How old were you, Glaubina, when this transpired?
KAYLA: That's a great question.
SARAH: Interesting. I guess when desperation strikes, did you just think, oh, the TV is on?
[00:20:00]
KAYLA: I mean, to me, it gives like high school
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like high school level.
SARAH: Like don't have anywhere else to go to do this.
KAYLA: Right, because if you're living in your parents' house and you have nowhere else that you could go, it makes me feel like maybe young.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Plus giving money for garlic bread.
SARAH: But if it was your first time, that adds a whole other layer.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Wow, interesting, Glaubina.
KAYLA: Yeah, I was just like, in my head, I was like, what was with that garlic bread one? And then…
SARAH: Is garlic supposed to be like the opposite of an aphrodisiac?
KAYLA: Maybe because it's stinky?
SARAH: Is it? Am I making that up?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Aphrodisiac…
KAYLA: Aphrodis.
SARAH: Garlic, aphrodis nuts of garlic. It is a regular aphrodisiac. So, they said, hey, we heard you fucking, here's some money to get something that'll make you want to fuck more, gluten.
KAYLA: Garlic just doesn't feel like an aphrodisiac to me.
SARAH: No, it doesn't have that vibe.
KAYLA: It doesn't give, you know?
SARAH: Yeah. Let's… hold on, let me go… let me open, I spelled garlic wrong, I spelled it garalic. It may boost libido and sexual function primarily by improving blood circulation and increasing testosterone. Eat a lot of garlic and your testosterone goes through the roof.
KAYLA: You gets so strong.
SARAH: If you're a beta cuck it's because you don't eat garlic.
KAYLA: Oh, so, vampires are beta cucks, it's what I'm hearing.
SARAH: Yeah. You know, BTS Jin is allergic to garlic, but he still eats it anyway.
KAYLA: And that's alpha vibes.
SARAH: That’s alpha vibes. You know, on Archive of Our Own, you know how they do like yearly roundups or whatever?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: One of the yearly roundups is about alpha and omegas and like who… it's not just quantity of fics but also percentage of times they are an alpha versus an omega in fics.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: Which is always an interesting thing. All of the BTS members make like the top, however much on their respective lists.
KAYLA: Good!
SARAH: I don't agree with many of these assessments.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: Some of them I understand how they ended up there because I know what ship led them to that. But as a general rule, I don't agree with all of those choices. And I don't remember where Jin landed.
KAYLA: I couldn't say.
SARAH: AO3 alpha omega statistics? AO3's most written alphas and omegas of all time. Number one omega of all time, Park Jimin.
KAYLA: Mm, that's tough.
SARAH: Jin is an omega, he's number five omega.
KAYLA: You don't agree?
SARAH: I guess I could see it, I don't disagree as much as I disagree with the top alpha of all time being Jungkook.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: That's objectively wrong, I'm sorry.
KAYLA: This means nothing to me.
SARAH: The reason he is the top alpha is because the two biggest Jungkook ships are Jikook and Taekook. And Jimin is the number one omega, which I can see why that happened.
KAYLA: I see.
SARAH: And Taehyung is the number three omega, which, mm, mm. Listen, people like to characterize Jungkook as hardcore. Like, oh, he has a sleeve of tattoos. That is a little tiny, tiny boy with boba eyes, he gets angry when people call him cute, and then he continues to be cute.
KAYLA: Hmm.
SARAH: He's like, “don't call me cute.” But he does it in a very cute way. And it's like, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? Also, Yoongi, number four top alpha of all time. What are we talking about? I mean, I guess it's probably the Yoon Min because Jimin is always an omega because he's more feminine. What does that mean? Let's dissect that.
KAYLA: Do you think that I'm the alpha or the omega?
SARAH: In general or in our relationship?
KAYLA: Both.
SARAH: In our relationship, you're definitely the alpha.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's probably true.
SARAH: In general, I would say you're more alpha energy.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: I have big omega energy.
KAYLA: Yeah, I do fear.
SARAH: I have major omega energy.
KAYLA: Yeah, you're just a little guy.
SARAH: I'm just a little guy. Anyway, that was real… We took a real detour.
KAYLA: I struggle with the word “we.”
SARAH: I took a real detour.
KAYLA: And you took me there as well.
SARAH: Yup.
KAYLA: Forcibly. Okay, this one is from Mr. Mandela Effect.
SARAH: Mr. Mandela Effect.
KAYLA: It starts, so for context, the Mandela Effect refers to the phenomenon where a group of people all have the same false memory.
SARAH: Sorry, I wasn't listening.
KAYLA: Oh!
SARAH: I need to close this tab.
KAYLA: See, this is the problem, you have your camera off, so I can't monitor whether you're paying attention to me.
SARAH: I can turn it back on but I might freeze again.
KAYLA: I'm very disappointed in you.
SARAH: I closed the tab.
KAYLA: Okay, are you ready? Recently… now I'm going to get us off track. I saw a video of someone with ADHD, and they were starting to work on a paper or writing something, and they put on an eye mask and headphones and just wrote at their computer like that.
SARAH: Like they couldn't see?
KAYLA: Yup.
SARAH: That is putting so much faith in your ability to type accurately.
KAYLA: I know, but they just couldn't have distractions.
SARAH: I cannot type that accurately.
KAYLA: Well, I don't know what to say.
SARAH: Wow. They said, you know who was really productive? Helen Keller.
KAYLA: Helen Keller. And you know what? Yeah. Okay, anyway.
SARAH: Wow. But then you can't see what you've written.
KAYLA: Listen, I'm not saying it's a good thing to do.
SARAH: Because listen, my ADHD brain will forget what I wrote.
KAYLA: Yeah, man. I don't know, it's just what I saw.
SARAH: That's so silly.
KAYLA: Okay. Anyway, this is from Mr. Mandela Effect. They start, so for context, the Mandela Effect refers to the phenomenon where a group of people all have the same false memory.
SARAH: I know that.
KAYLA: Congratulations.
SARAH: Thank you.
KAYLA: I realized I was on the aro-ace spectrum earlier this year, so, in 2024.
SARAH: 2024.
KAYLA: Nothing particularly definitive or obvious but more on the pretty aspec somewhat gray zone of the spectrum. When I told some people it was slightly mixed, family reacted with, you should see a doctor to get metal... Oh my God.
SARAH: To get metal.
KAYLA: To get metal. You should see a doctor to get medical advice about your libido. Boooooo!
SARAH: Booooooo!
KAYLA: One friend reacted with, “well, that's not a thing.”
SARAH: Boooooo!
KAYLA: And didn't know the difference between being aspec and being celibate.
SARAH: Booooo!
KAYLA: Some straight allo normie friends and work colleagues who didn't have a lot of queer friends or weren't fellow theater nerds reacted with polite, well-meaning supportive curiosity.
SARAH: Good. Yay!
KAYLA: But then a vast majority of my friends, including my D&D group, some old uni friends and fellow theater nerds, all reacted with the same, hang on, is this new? I could have sworn you told us this years ago. Apparently, my friends knew me better than I did. And all this while when I thought I was the token straight neurotypical person in my friend group, everyone else went, “ah, he's ace,” “he probably has ADHD,” “he's definitely autistic.” Immensely fortunate to have such accepting and kind friends. I had wondered how the conversation would go, I played out the likely scenario in my head of all my friends going, “thanks for telling us, we're glad you figured this out.” But I had not expected them to go, “wait, didn't you already come out five years ago? Aren't you and this other person in a queer platonic relationship? How the fuck did it take you this long to realize this? We were wondering when you'd figure this out.”
SARAH: I love the trope of realizing that you're dating someone or realizing that you're in a QPR with someone. And you were like, “who was going to tell me?”
KAYLA: “Who was going to tell me?” Yeah.
SARAH: And it's like, you're in it.
KAYLA: How was I to know? Yeah, that's good. That's like when I was demi and you were like, “I know.” And I was like, “when were you going to tell me?”
SARAH: And I was like, “it wouldn't have gone well if I told you.”
KAYLA: It wouldn't have been the same.
SARAH: You know, I think, Mr. Mandela Effect I think you thinking that you were the token straight heterobrain… what?
KAYLA: Neurotypical.
[00:30:00]
SARAH: Neurotypical.
KAYLA: Heterobrain, wow. Wow, wow, wow.
SARAH: You thinking you were the straight neurotypical one. I think the first signs that you were wrong with that is that you had a D&D group and musical theater friends.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I think those are signs, personally.
KAYLA: No, that's fair.
SARAH: Like, has there ever been a straight neurotypical person who consistently played D&D?
KAYLA: Um, not in my life.
SARAH: I've never heard of one.
KAYLA: I've never met one.
SARAH: Especially like an adult. You know, like it's one thing if it's like kids playing D&D, but I mean like an adult who does this as a hobby.
KAYLA: Okay, next, this is from Martin Chiesl.
SARAH: Martin Chiesl. Rhymes with gazelle.
KAYLA: Gazelle. Who we met once.
SARAH: You flew.
KAYLA: You flew to New York for us. Why would you do that?
SARAH: From… I'm going to bleep this, from…
KAYLA: That's what I was going to say. It must be true, though.
SARAH: Must be true. Or it's the Mandela effect, we'll never know.
KAYLA: Aaahh! Okay, this one's a little bit long so maybe this will be our last one, we'll see.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: TL;DR. When I was in college, before I knew that I was aro-ace, I became obsessed with The Rice Purity Test, I even wrote and performed a song about it.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: And it will go on to explain what the test is so don't even actually worry about it.
SARAH: Well, I know, but.
KAYLA: Are you the listener? Actually, the podcast isn't for you. Did you know that?
SARAH: Mm, isn't it?
KAYLA: Well, I was just going to say, do you listen to it? And you… technically you do.
SARAH: I listen to it way more than you do.
KAYLA: That's… yeah. Anyway, when I was a freshman in college, I still believed that I was a straight guy. Why everyone out here believing they're straight guys? What are you doing?
SARAH: What are you doing?
KAYLA: At this point, I was still fully subscribed to the idea that everyone's goal in life should be to find a romantic partner.
SARAH: Imagine like a subscription that you like paid for.
KAYLA: I would not pay for that.
SARAH: Continue.
KAYLA: But at age 19, I had never been on a date, I hadn't even had my first kiss, I felt like I was behind and I needed to catch up.
SARAH: Wait, can I say something?
KAYLA: You're going to anyway, so.
SARAH: I was recently at The Getty and they have… they had when I was there, I think it's still there, but I don't know how much longer, an exhibit about the Guerrilla Girls. Guerrilla like the fighting, not the animal. Although they did wear gorilla masks because someone misheard it. But then that was difficult for like black members of the group because they were like, “I don't know how I feel about them.”
KAYLA: Tough, yeah.
SARAH: Anyway, their whole thing was about… it's like a traveling exhibit, I think. So, it has been in other places and maybe it'll come to a place near you. Basically, the Guerrilla Girls were this activist group in like the ‘80s and ‘90s. I think they still exist, but they were like big then, about how male and how white the art scene is specifically in New York City. And so, they would like put up these like posters of like, this is how many works of art by women this major museum has and this is how many this one has.
KAYLA: Yeah, I've seen… we saw that… I remember when we went to the Met in New York and we were recognized.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I remember there being pieces in there from that.
SARAH: It was an interesting exhibit. And there was a part of the exhibit where they were like, “this is how straight and white The Getty is.”
KAYLA: Ooh!
SARAH: And I was like, I appreciate your self-awareness because it was pretty straight and white. But there was… they had like a, it wasn't a zine, it was like a semi-annual newsletter thing. They had these like little cards and you like filled them out and you sent them back with the payment if you wanted to receive it but you paid a different amount depending on what you were.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: So, if you were a man, it was like $12. If you were a woman or a person of color, it was like $8 or something. And there was, I think two different ones that they had on display, it was like the card that people sent back. And the one that I remember, it was from a white gay man. And he was like, I am a man, but I am also gay so I haven't closed $10.
KAYLA: Very nice.
SARAH: And I don't even remember now why that's relevant to what we're saying.
KAYLA: I don't either.
SARAH: Continue, maybe you'll remember.
KAYLA: All right, who is to say? Okay, so, at 19 they felt like they needed to catch up.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: One day in November, I was hanging out with my group of friends from freshman orientation. One of my friends asked if I had taken The Rice Purity Test, but I had never heard of it before. My friend explained to me that it's a free online quiz and the point is basically to assess how pure or innocent you are. There are 100 questions on the test, some of the questions are very tame, like have you held hands romantically or have you been on a date, but then they start to escalate...
SARAH: I do either really well on that test or really poorly, depending on how you define.
KAYLA: Well, you take points away for what you have done so you would score high.
SARAH: Okay, so I do really well.
KAYLA: Yeah. Eventually escalate to get very sexually explicit. Out of the 100 questions, 77 are about romantic and/or sexual activities. The other 23 questions are generally about drinking, drugs and illegal activities. You start with 100 points for every question you answer yes, it detucts (deducts) a point from your score.
SARAH: Detucts!
KAYLA: Shut up. So, a score of 100 would be extremely innocent since you haven't participated in any of the activities listed on the test, whereas a score of zero would be extremely impure because you've done everything.
SARAH: You're freaky.
KAYLA: So naturally we all decided…
SARAH: Actually, I don't know if it's possible to get a zero based on what the questions are, because aren't some of them like slightly gendered?
KAYLA: I haven't taken it a long time.
SARAH: I mean, they're.
KAYLA: Naturally, we all decided to take the test and compare our results. My friends’ scores ranged from about 50 to 80, meaning they all had a fair amount of naughty experiences already, I don't like the word naughty. My score was the highest, a 96, meaning I only checked off four of the items on the test.
SARAH: That's an A, that's a solid A.
KAYLA: That is a solid A. In other words, I was extremely pure. Even my friends who had been brought up in conservative Christian environments had more romantic experience than me. At the time, we were all laughing about it, no one took it too seriously. But there was a part of me that felt jealous of my friends, I was jealous that they had already had all these cool romantic experiences, whereas I had never even been on a date. After I said goodbye to my friends and went back to my dorm building, I felt really bad about myself. I just couldn't bear the fact that I was so far behind everyone else. Rather than going back to my room, I went to hide in the bottom of the stairway of the dorm building and I just cried. Martin, noooooo!
SARAH: Oh, I forgot this was Martin Chiesl.
KAYLA: Martin, noooo!
SARAH: Noooooo! I have a parasocial relationship with Martin Chiesl.
KAYLA: Yeah. A few days later, my jealousy transformed into an intense determination. I was determined that by the end of my freshman year, I would start working on lowering my score. I wanted to at least check off four more items on the test by the end of freshman year.
SARAH: An A minus.
KAYLA: This is a TV show, I feel. Like that is a television program.
SARAH: Yeah, I feel like there has been a checklist show like that of a coming of age.
KAYLA: I think you're right. I think you’re right.
SARAH: The To-Do List, Aubrey Plaza.
KAYLA: Oh, I actually never heard of that.
SARAH: 2013, it's a movie.
KAYLA: Oh, well, good. Are you done looking at it now?
SARAH: I've closed it. Martin would like an A minus.
KAYLA: Martin would like an A minus. So, Martin downloaded Tinder for the first time.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: One of my friends helped me set up my profile and scroll through the matches. I finally was able to check off the question, have you ever been on a date? It wasn't a good date, but it was fine since it still counted towards my score.
SARAH: It was a date.
KAYLA: Such an aspec thing to be like, “well, it sucks, but it counted for my score, so it's fine.”
SARAH: “It got me one step closer to an A minus.”
KAYLA: “My A minus.” Eventually, I went on three or four more dates through Tinder and Bumble with mixed results. I never had a second date with anyone I met on the apps. To be honest, I didn't feel like my heart was really in it. At the time, I thought I just hadn't met the right person yet, now I know this is because I'm aromantic. A while later, I ended up meeting up with someone from my Spanish class after school. I liked her as a friend, and she liked me as...
SARAH: Habla español?
KAYLA: No, señor. And she liked me as more than a friend. I tried to convince myself that I liked her as more than a friend, too. One night, we were alone together on the top of the parking garage overlooking the city skyline. Okay, romantic.
SARAH: Romance.
KAYLA: It was very quiet and peaceful, I forgot about this part of the story. I thought about how most people would think of this as a romantic setting.
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: Oh, no. He got us. I almost worked up the gumption to kiss her, but I backed out at the last moment. Finally, I asked her the question, “can we do the face thing? “
SARAH: The face thing?
KAYLA: “I'm not kidding. I said those exact words. No surprise, but it totally ruins the moment.”
SARAH: Martin!? Martin!?
KAYLA: Martin, Martin, Martin! Eventually, I checked off three more items on the list, being in a relationship, kissing, and slow dancing. However, by then, I realized that my heart wasn't in it at all. The kissing was awkward, and the whole relationship thing in general seemed kind of pointless.
SARAH: No, the face thing.
KAYLA: It's the face thing, Martin. I still didn't really understand the difference between being friends with someone versus being in a romantic relationship. Although we never talked about it, my girlfriend sensed that something wasn't right and she broke up with me a few weeks later. The funny thing is, I didn't really feel bad about our breakup, I didn't feel heartbroken at all, I didn't feel heartbroken because I was never really invested in the relationship in the first place, I didn't feel what I was supposed to feel.
SARAH: You're just trying to get an A minus.
KAYLA: Just trying to work an A minus. About four months after the breakup, I was still fascinated by The Rice Purity Test, but I had lost some of my desire to check off items on the list. In fact, I was starting to get to the point where the test was more funny to me than anything else, I didn't take it as seriously anymore. Good.
SARAH: Good.
KAYLA: Just to be clear, I never wanted to complete everything on the list, which is good because there's some…
SARAH: There's a lot of stuff on that list.
KAYLA: But there's some stuff that's simply not okay.
SARAH: Yeah, what is on that list?
KAYLA: The one I'm thinking of is I think there's one about having sex with an animal.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: But maybe I'm also making that up.
SARAH: That is bestiality.
KAYLA: Yeah. But after the breakup, I ultimately realized that I don't care at all. Later, I thought it would be fun to write a song about someone who completes all 100 items on The Rice Purity Test. It was meant to be a joke, of course, no one would actually try to check off everything on the list. There are far too many dangerous and illegal activities on the list, especially in the section related to drugs and illegal activities. In fact, the official Rice Purity Test website has a disclaimer at the top; ‘this is not a bucket list, completion of all items on this list will likely result in death.’ That's why I wrote the song about what it would be like hypothetically if someone did check off everything on the list, it’s just an interesting…
SARAH: Dumb ways to die. So many dumb ways to die.
KAYLA: Dumb ways to die, wow, a throwback. It's just an interesting thought experiment. The song was nearly six minutes-long, it's a very silly song. And I actually performed it live at my university in the cafeteria. At first, the audience didn't really know how to react, it was a little bit awkward, but eventually I got some laughs.
SARAH: Sorry, Martin, did you just like hop up on a chair? What is the context of this?
KAYLA: Well, Martin said the audience, so that makes me think that it was meant to be an audience.
SARAH: I guess. But Martin also said cafeteria.
KAYLA: Maybe it was like an open mic night type of vibe.
SARAH: It could have been. But I'm just picturing Mojo, the dining hall at Mojo at the University of Michigan. Like, there's not even a good place to do a performance there.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Just hopping up on a table with a guitar and being like, “have you ever heard this one? It's about The Rice Purity Test.”
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, listen, I hope that's not what happened.
SARAH: I also hope that. Imagine you're just like sitting there trying to study for the test that you have in like five minutes.
KAYLA: Someone just starts singing about bestiality.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah, tough. I don't believe Martin would do that though.
SARAH: I don't think so either.
KAYLA: Anyway, it was a small but important victory. It has been a long journey, but now that I've come to terms with my aro-ace identity, I've accepted that I probably will never have… Oh, I thought it was going to be, probably I'll never check them off. And I was like, yeah, no. I've accepted that I probably will never have those romantic experiences that I felt so jealous about when I was in college freshman. But that's okay, this is just who I am, I don't need to compare myself to others and that's that.
SARAH: Yippee!
KAYLA: Yippee! There's a P.S. A few months ago, I was talking with my roommate and his girlfriend about the show Drake & Josh. There was one episode where Drake was bragging about how he could tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue, he said it was the sign of a good kisser. I told them that I never really understood what that meant. My roommate's girlfriend told me that it's because the cherry stem is like your partner's tongue, I was so shocked that she said this.
SARAH: Why would you put your partner's tongue in a knot?
KAYLA: Well, I…
SARAH: A cherry stem is so much thinner and smaller than a tongue. A cherry stem is not connected to the bottom of your mouth.
KAYLA: Thin little tongue. Thin tongue.
SARAH: Imagine you're making out with someone and then they start doing weird things to your tongue and you're like, what are you doing? And they're like, “I'm trying to tie your tongue in a knot.” Hey, you ever been tongue-tied by someone? Literally?
KAYLA: Ah. I cannot tie a cherry stem with my tongue. I've tried and it makes me gag every time.
SARAH: I've never made an attempt. Here's a bit of Sarah lore that I don't know if I've ever said. I'm a cherry coke fiend, we all know this, this is not a lore. I drink a cherry coke every day. I will consume cherry flavored things. I don't think I've ever eaten a cherry.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I don't think I have.
KAYLA: That is not surprising to me.
SARAH: So, I have never had the opportunity.
KAYLA: Well, I feel as though you've had the opportunity.
SARAH: I've never had a cherry stem in or near my mouth.
KAYLA: That's… yeah.
SARAH: I haven't had the opportunity in that extremely literal way.
KAYLA: Right. Sure.
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: Anyway. So, roommate's girlfriend said the cherry stem is the tongue. I was so shocked when she said this, I couldn't believe it, I said, “you mean like your tongues are touching while you're kissing?” She said, “yes, what did you think French kissing was?” And to be honest, I never really thought that deeply about it. But what she was describing sounds disgusting to me. Why do people enjoy that? Can someone please explain?
SARAH: Martin, I had just taken a sip of my cherry coke when I read that. They're touching!?
KAYLA: Mm. Also, I'm like kind of surprised you didn't know that Martin, not in like a, like this is obvious way, but because so many kissing scenes on TV and in movies, they show the tongue touching way too much. Like they go in tongue out, which really bothers me. What do you mean!?
SARAH: Martin, I have a scene for you to watch.
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: It is from All's Fair on Hulu.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: The Ryan Murphy show
KAYLA: Oh, the bad one?
SARAH: The really bad Ryan Murphy show about Kim Kardashian and a bunch of other very famous actresses playing lawyers, like divorce lawyers in Los Angeles. I want you to go to the pilot and I want you to fast forward to the very end. I haven't even watched the pilot, but I have watched this scene. It's the last scene in the episode, it's Teyana Taylor and some dude. And Teyana Taylor goes marching into a home and they kiss in such a way that is so tongue-forward that it is shocking. Many reviews of this television program mention this kiss as being horrible and disturbing.
KAYLA: See, I don't think Martin should watch that because then Martin is not going to have like a good understanding of what your typical kiss with tongue is looking like.
SARAH: Of what it’s supposed to be. Do people really like suck on tongues? I feel like sometimes you like hear that and I'm like, “how good could that be?”
KAYLA: Suck on the tongue.
SARAH: Like if we're kissing, sometimes you're like... are we holding their tongue in your mouth? What do you mean?
KAYLA: That's interesting.
SARAH: I feel like that can't be that real.
KAYLA: I really couldn't say. I don't know that I've ever sucked a tongue that I can recall.
SARAH: Then how are you supposed to kiss? Because then you're just like holding onto their tongue.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean.
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Sounds Fake But Okay classic.
KAYLA: Let's just do a whole episode about tongues.
SARAH: Okay. That's it, right?
KAYLA: That's it, it's over.
SARAH: Kayla, what's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Tongue?
SARAH: Tongue?
KAYLA: I'm trying to think of what else we read today.
SARAH: What are your thoughts on Nick?
KAYLA: Not a fan. Or what's your favorite Mandela Effect?
SARAH: Berenstain Bears.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's a good one. I always get got by the Fruit of the Loom.
SARAH: The company is lying.
KAYLA: I know they are.
SARAH: The company is lying, people have taken photos of old Fruit of the Loom products with the logo on them that contains a cornucopia. Fruit of the Loom, the company is lying.
[00:50:00]
KAYLA: Do you think they're doing it because they know it makes people talk about them?
SARAH: Maybe.
KAYLA: That's my conspiracy.
SARAH: I would like to thank Suzanne Collins, the author of The Hunger Games, for teaching a generation of children what a cornucopia is. Great work.
KAYLA: Mm, for this specific purpose.
SARAH: For those who don't know, Berenstain Bears, it's spelled Berenstain Bears, and no one thinks it is, but it is, in fact, and it has been all along.
KAYLA: Allegedly.
SARAH: Allegedly. The Fruit of the Loom thing is they, the Fruit of the Loom, claims they have never had a logo with a cornucopia in it, it has just been fruit, that's not true.
KAYLA: But we all remember the cornucopia.
SARAH: That's not true. What other Mandela Effects? What is it named after?
KAYLA: Nelson.
SARAH: I know, but like what?
KAYLA: It's like people thought he was dead before he was, I think.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: I think it was like when he died, people were like, I thought he had been dead.
SARAH: The Monopoly Man's Monocle?
KAYLA: Oh, yeah. Does he wear a monocle?
SARAH: Oh, another big Mandela Effect, Luke, I am your father.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: He never says, “Luke, I am your father.”
KAYLA: He does not.
SARAH: He says, “no, I am your father.”
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: The Monopoly... Whoa. The Monopoly Man is often recalled wearing a monocle, but he never did?
KAYLA: I know, but I think he did.
SARAH: What!? Monopoly Man monocle, I swear to God…
KAYLA: I'm saying.
SARAH: Is it because there's a... Is there a monocle that you can play?
KAYLA: No, I think it's because of Mr. Peanut.
SARAH: Oh, I was going to say Pringle.
KAYLA: I don't think… does Pringle have… I don’t think Pringle has a monocle.
SARAH: I don’t know, Pringle may have… no
KAYLA: But I think Mr. Peanut does, and he's dressed the same as the Monopoly Man.
SARAH: Mr. Peanut does have a monocle.
KAYLA: And doesn't he look like the Monopoly Man?
SARAH: If the Monopoly Man were a peanut.
KAYLA: Exactly. They're probably cousins.
SARAH: Monopoly Man monocle. How? Why? No, but like, why did people think?
KAYLA: Because he looks like he should have one.
SARAH: ‘This confusion often stems from confusing him with Mr. Peanut.’
KAYLA: All I'm saying.
SARAH: ‘Or from his appearance in specific limited versions like Monopoly Jr.’
KAYLA: So, he did have a monocle at some point.
SARAH: On a rare occasion.
KAYLA: Okay, so...
SARAH: And it fits the caricature of wealth, you know.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, he looks like he should have a monocle.
SARAH: Yeah, wow. Kayla, what's your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: My... I had… literally this morning, I was thinking of them.
SARAH: I have some. Do you want me to go?
KAYLA: No, I want to go.
SARAH: Wow!
KAYLA: My beef is...
SARAH: Were you silent or were you silenced?
KAYLA: Silenced. My beef is periods, I don't think we should be doing that.
SARAH: Haven't we evolved past that point?
KAYLA: And you really would think.
SARAH: You would think.
KAYLA: I have a gravy, which is that I'm going dress-shopping this weekend, wedding dress shopping, specifically. By the time you're listening to this, I've already done it, I could be in possession.
SARAH: Well, you wouldn't be in possession.
KAYLA: I wouldn't be in possession, I would own it though.
SARAH: Yeah, you might own it.
KAYLA: I might own a wedding dress. I don't... Because of said period, I've been feeling like shit this week. So, I don't really feel like mentally in the headspace to be doing that.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But I am excited, so I don't know.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And my other gravy is the moon.
SARAH: The moon.
KAYLA: I've been following the Artemis II very closely which has been exciting, but again because of said period, I have cried about it at least three times.
SARAH: Artemis noted aro-ace icon.
KAYLA: True. So that has just kind of been a lot.
SARAH: Yeah, that's understandable.
KAYLA: So.
SARAH: My beef, are you sitting down?
KAYLA: No, I'm standing.
SARAH: I can see that you're sitting.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Well, I can't really see it eyes in the way, but...
KAYLA: It's just not like, why would you ask then? You know?
SARAH: Okay. So, for the past year or so, I have noticed that I have been gaining weight at a higher rate than previously. And this has bothered and confounded me because I have not significantly changed my diet or exercise regimen. And it makes me feel bad about myself. And when I go to the doctor, they're like, “you're the worst.” Which is exactly what they say.
KAYLA: I'm sure.
SARAH: Yesterday, I think I figured out why this is happening when I cannot identify any changes in my behavior that would cause this to happen.
KAYLA: Is it your medication?
SARAH: You know what type of medication has weight gain as a possible side effect when used chronically?
KAYLA: All of your allergy medicine?
SARAH: H1 antihistamines. You know how many H1 antihistamines I take a day?
KAYLA: Like five?
SARAH: Three.
KAYLA: Okay, here's my thing. All of your doctors who are complaining to you about your weight, none of them were going to look at your chart and say, “huh!”
SARAH: I guess not.
KAYLA: Like why didn't they think of this?
SARAH: That's a great question.
KAYLA: Because girl.
SARAH: Because doctors never think of this shit, you have to bring it to them. So, on the bright side, I do feel better that I'm like, okay, it's not a personal failure that has led to this result.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But I also feel worse because then I know it's like that much harder to address. Because what happens, let me tell you about why this happens, let me tell you. Antihistamines, you block the histamines, okay? And that means that one of the effects of this is that it blocks the part of your brain that says, “I'm not hungry anymore.” Like it blocks your brain's ability to correctly identify hunger.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And so, it means that you're likely to be more hungry and have more cravings.
KAYLA: That's like an opposite GLP-1.
SARAH: Yes. And in hindsight, I'm like, I have been like craving sugar more recently.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I'm like, I wonder if that's what that is. And it can slow down your metabolism and make you more lethargic, which means that you're less likely to move your body more.
KAYLA: Yeah. What the hell?
SARAH: Which also makes sense because I just heard back that my iron is now in a normal range, it's low, but normal low.
KAYLA: Yay!
SARAH: But I don't feel like my energy levels have significantly changed, which maybe this is why I gained it in my iron and then my allergy medications took them away. It giveth and it taketh away. So yeah, I'm annoyed by this. I also saw some posts today about the Ozempic epidemic and I'm like, should I even say this on the podcast? But we can all have problems in every direction.
KAYLA: We can. And I mean, I think there's a big difference between the Ozempic situation en masse and like a single person's personal thoughts about their own body.
SARAH: Being like my medication is making me gain weight and I don't like it is a little different from, we should all look malnourished.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I don't think we should all be malnourished, I don't want us to all be malnourished.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, I'm upset about it, I don't like it very much.
KAYLA: Fair.
SARAH: And all that and I still woke up with a bunch of hives.
KAYLA: So, what's even the point?
SARAH: What's even the fucking point!?
KAYLA: Speaking of medication side effects, I was talking to my doctor and my dentist last week about my teeth grinding and my TMJ pain. And basically, the answer is there's nothing to fucking do about it, so that's sick.
SARAH: I went to a new dentist this week.
KAYLA: Were they there?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Congratulations. But my doctor was like, oh, I wonder if it's your Prozac teeth clenching and grinding can be a side effect of Prozac. And I said, well, bitch, I've been on it for over a decade, so like it’s too late now.
SARAH: Who fucking knows at this point? Yeah.
KAYLA: She also was like, well, it can be genetic and it is in my family. So, I think it's more likely that it's genetic. But thinking back, I was like, did I start doing this years ago when I got on it? Who is to say?
SARAH: Who is to fucking say? Yeah, I went to… so, this is also a beef, I went to the new dentist. This part is not a beef, it was funny, he was like, he like came over, he got like quite close to me, like a little too close. And he was like, he was like, I don't mean to be like, you know, weird about it essentially. But he was like, but your eyes are so beautiful, he goes, you have to understand, I am from Iran, forty years ago in Iran you would so rarely…. it was so rare to ever see someone with blue eyes. And he talked about this for like a minute, it was the first thing he said to me.
KAYLA: Certainly, he has had blue-eyed clients, like…
[01:00:00]
SARAH: In the area he's in, it's probably less common.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I mean, he definitely has had, but he just, I guess gets really excited when he has blue or green-eyed clients.
KAYLA: I love that for him.
SARAH: And he talked about this for a solid minute, like the first thing he said to me. Luckily, it was like quirky and not creepy.
KAYLA: That's good. That's good.
SARAH: Because it could have been creepy.
KAYLA: It could have been weird.
SARAH: It was just quirky. I need two crowns done.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And they want to do a thing to woosh out my mouth to make it better. And I need a new guard. And they were like, yeah, so all of that all together with your insurance, $2,800.
KAYLA: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
SARAH: And I've realized I need a new phone sooner than later.
KAYLA: Uh-oh
SARAH: And I haven't paid my $1,000 in taxes yet.
KAYLA: I paid my taxes yesterday. Bad!
SARAH: My dad needs to send me the PDF because my dad helps me with my taxes. And by that, I mean, my dad does my taxes. Thanks, Dad!
KAYLA: He does your taxes. I want your dad to do my taxes.
SARAH: And he just hasn't sent me the thing to print and send yet because we're not paying money to file electronically.
KAYLA: Fair.
SARAH: I'll pay for a fucking stamp. And I keep being like, “please, please, we're running out of time.”
KAYLA: Jack, please!
SARAH: But yes, and I'm going to have to spend so much money on everything right now.
KAYLA: Yuck.
SARAH: Okay. My juice. I wrote down a juice because I was like, I won't remember to say a good thing. My juice is that I'm getting a haircut this weekend. I'm going to a new person because, as I said, shout out to my girl, Regina, she just doesn't understand the essence of a gay haircut.
KAYLA: Yeah, tough.
SARAH: So, I'm going to someone who does understand the essence of a gay haircut. But I only looked… I want to get a haircut before I go to Ireland, but I only looked like yesterday and this person did not have any availability on the weekends, which is when I have to do it. But you could get on a waitlist, so, I got on a waitlist. And then last night at like 11 p.m., I got a text that said, “a spot has opened up, act fast.”
KAYLA: Act now!
SARAH: So, I did. And I have an appointment to get a haircut on Saturday and I hope to be gay.
KAYLA: I mean, I think you are.
SARAH: Thank you.
KAYLA: You're gay.
SARAH: You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your gay haircuts on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you'd like to support us there. Where is the tab that I want? That's the wrong tab. Our $5 patrons who we're promoting this week are Tanner Shioshita, Vince Terranova, Vishakh, and vocalanesthesia. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are SongOStorm, who would like to promote a healthy work-life balance. We have a new $10 patron.
KAYLA: Oooooooooh! Yaaaaaayy!
SARAH: Everyone clap and cheer. It is Sydney Price. Sydney Price would like to promote their Instagram @sydneyxprice. I do have a small note for you, Sydney.
KAYLA: No, don't be mean.
SARAH: I'm not going to be mean, I'm just confused, it's about confusion. You're promoting your Instagram, but your Instagram is on private. Does that mean that you'll just accept random follows?
KAYLA: Maybe they just want to vet people before they accept.
SARAH: Yeah, they just like want to see… Maybe there's like a quiz to take.
KAYLA: That's fun.
SARAH: Yeah. Anyway, I'm just curious about that. But everyone go follow Sydney Price on Instagram and find out what the hullabaloo is all about.
KAYLA: Maybe it's just like a very exclusive club so everyone should try.
SARAH: Everyone should try.
KAYLA: And then you'll feel extra special if you get let in.
SARAH: Yeah, that'd be pretty sick. Anyway, thank you, Sydney, for becoming our patron. Kayla is yawning.
KAYLA: I'm so tired.
SARAH: Also, Val, who would like to promote also Sydney's Instagram.
KAYLA: Thanks, Val.
SARAH: Thanks, Val. And Alastor, who would like to promote the podcast 'Shadows and Shenanigans'. And Ani, who would like to promote the importance of being kind to yourself and others. Our other ten other patrons are Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Clare Olsen, Danielle Hutchinson, Derick & Carissa, Elle Bitter, Eric, my aunt Jeannie, Johanna, Kayla's dad, KELLER bradley, Maff, Martin Chiesl…
KAYLA: Martin Gazeeeeeeeeelle.
SARAH: Martin Chiesl with his A minus, A minus Rice Purity score. Purple Hayes, Quartertone, Barefoot Backpacker, and that is it. Our $15 patrons are Ace, who would like to promote the writer, Crystal Scherer. Nathaniel White, who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com. Kayla's aunt Nina, who would like to promote katemaggartart.com. And Schnell who would like to promote accepting everyone is different and that's awesome. Our $20 patrons are Changeling & Alex, who would like to promote their company Control Alt Access (dot com). And Dr. Jacki, Dragonfly, my mom on River, who would like to promote medications that only have positive side effects. Like, this medication makes you be able to fly, this medication gives you a pep in your stomach.
KAYLA: That's cocaine.
SARAH: This medication makes your mascara never rub off during the day. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
SARAH: Put waterproof mascara on.
KAYLA: My mouse won't work.
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