Ep 381: Sex Toys
SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I'm Sarah, that's me.)
KAYLA: And a bi-demisexual girl (That's me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode: Sex Toys.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: Poood!
SARAH: Poooood!
KAYLA: Pooooood!
SARAH: Poooooooood!
KAYLA: Poooooooooooooooooood!
SARAH: That's not coming through. Are you making a noise? Or are you just going…
KAYLA: Oh, it was extremely high-pitched, I can't wait for you to hear it.
SARAH: Horrifying! I make a very high-pitched noise in my car if I ever have to break suddenly.
KAYLA: I can hear it now. I'm sure I've heard it before.
SARAH: It's a recent development.
KAYLA: I'm sure I've heard it before.
SARAH: But I'm usually in the car by myself and so occasionally there will be someone in the car with me and I will not think and I'll just do it and then I'll be like, “I am sorry.”
KAYLA: Mh
SARAH: Anyway, we were going to have housekeeping probably because we were supposed to meet and then Kayla had to drive to Connecticut.
KAYLA: I had to.
SARAH: For Facebook Marketplace.
KAYLA: Here's the thing, you guys, is that, did I drive four hours on Sunday to go to Connecticut by myself? Yes. But what you need to understand is this woman was selling at least $3,000-worth of antique crystal candle holders for $300.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: This woman had been collecting these for 40 years.
SARAH: And she was just like, I'm done with them now?
KAYLA: She didn't have room because… I love this one, I wish to be this woman, she was like, “it has taken me a long time to part with them. But our old house, I had this beautiful shelf in front of a window and they sat there and then in the light they looked so beautiful. But this house is much more simple, we just don't have the room.” I look around this house, bitch! Like I understand what she might be simple, it was like minimalistic. But I was like, you're the richest woman I've ever met in my life. It was the most gorgeous house and like a beautiful place, I was like, lady.
SARAH: That’s crazy.
KAYLA: So, I was like I can't not buy it or I'm throwing money away.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because I had just been in the antique store the day before and it's true, like, to buy one of these things is usually 30 to 40 dollars, and she was selling 60 to 65 of them for $300.
SARAH: Have you not fully counted them yet?
KAYLA: No, because they're just two boxes-full. And she was like, every time I counted them, we got a different number. And I was like, work.
SARAH: Valid.
KAYLA: Then she gave me two extra ones that were broken. She was like, “you could probably fix them.” And I was like, “I will, Cheryl.”
SARAH: “Thanks, Cheryl.”
KAYLA: I'll put them all about at my wedding.
SARAH: Cheryl with a C?
KAYLA: Yes. So, we couldn't, we simply couldn't. I guess we could have had a business meeting in the car, but.
SARAH: Yeah, then I would have had to drive the business meeting because you would have been driving the car.
KAYLA: Yeah, you would be driving, yeah.
SARAH: And I don't know that I'm capable of driving a business meeting.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know how that works.
SARAH: I'm not in the know enough.
KAYLA: So anyway.
SARAH: I just work here. Okay, so basically what we mean by this is we don't have any housekeeping and we don't have any pod ideas.
KAYLA: Mh, it's true.
SARAH: So, this week, it all began when Kayla’s…
KAYLA: Well, it began before that on my end.
SARAH: Okay, begin at the beginning, please.
KAYLA: Okay, well, if we really want to begin at the beginning. Earlier this week I saw a small business on TikTok for these really beautiful fidget spinner necklaces that had like crystals in them. And I was like, “this is so beautiful.” And they were so gorgeous, but not really my style. So, I was like, I don't know if I would actually wear it.
SARAH: I hate when that happens, where like you see something and say like, “that is gorgeous, but it is just not my vibe.”
KAYLA: Yeah, I was just like, it doesn't like match… it's not the type of jewelry that like matches what I wear. So, like, it… whatever. But then I was like, I need a crystal because vibes in certain parts of my life have been so bad.
SARAH: Ranted.
KAYLA: And some of these crystals they were like aura, energy, protecting barrier shield for empaths who brain too much.
SARAH: You know like that shiny rock in Dragon Tales?
KAYLA: Yes!
SARAH: That.
KAYLA: Exactly, that's what I'm saying. And so, then I was like, I need a crystal. So, then I found these really cute like earring charms because I have earrings that you can like slip charms onto. And I was like, oh, perfect. Because they're like really cheap, it's just like a bead basically. And so, I ordered that. And then the lady messaged me and was like in extremely broken English, which no shade, but also like sketchy, I don't know, maybe that's bad to say. Was basically like, “we can't find these items in our stock anymore. Once we find stock, I will mail you.” And I was like, “okay.” So, then she refunded me. And I said, “no more crystals.”
SARAH: No more crystals.
KAYLA: And so, then I was looking for a ring because I also… I used… whatever, I was looking for a ring, and I found a ring. And I was like, I wonder what else this person sells, and then I came across a certain ring.
SARAH: And now here we are. Kayla texted this to me. I was texting her about something else. And then she just in the middle of this texted me an Etsy link. And she says to me, she says, let me quote, she says, “how does this make you feel?”
KAYLA: It's a fair question, I think.
SARAH: And then she sends me an Etsy link and you can see in the preview exactly what it is. Kayla, can you please describe this ring?
KAYLA: It's like I'm in court. Okay, so there's a gold ring, circular, as rings typically are.
SARAH: As rings usually are.
KAYLA: And there's two figures, like human figures. And what I will say about this ring is it's extremely detailed. Like it's a small ring. And you could see the details, it's like these are two human people and they are naked and they're both facing tummy down and one is on top of the other doing a sex in the butt.
SARAH: There's a tiny dick that you can see just a little bit of.
KAYLA: Are you sure?
SARAH: Yes, I'm looking at it right now.
KAYLA: I just didn't see it. Like, I don't know.
SARAH: You can see the little…
KAYLA: And what I will say about this ring, is it is two men, Sarah did not realize this at first.
SARAH: See, when I first looked at it…
KAYLA: Oh, there is a dick.
SARAH: Yeah. When I first looked at it, I was so upset and disturbed and also in the middle of doing my work that I did not realize it was two men. And I was like, you know… I just assumed it was like straight people.
KAYLA: Wow1
SARAH: Listen...
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: Listen, I was thinking, who would want to wear a ring like this? Straight people.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I was like, well, but then I was like, does the person topping have boobs? And I was like, if it's a woman pegging a man, that changes everything, it's not. It is, in fact, two men as far as one can tell.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, they don't have… it's like, there's no hair, no feature... Like, they're very, like, bald, smooth.
SARAH: But like broad shoulders, narrow waist.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean… yeah…
SARAH: A stereotypical man.
KAYLA: It's not a very feminine figure.
SARAH: Yeah. And then Etsy recommended to me some other options.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Oh, this is another one of fucking but different. Okay, sorry.
KAYLA: Yeah. I'm finding a lot.
SARAH: The next one I found was in fact… Oh, wow.
KAYLA: Sideways, doing it sideways.
SARAH: Sideways. It is in fact a man fucking a woman.
KAYLA: And her boobs don’t look right.
SARAH: Her boobs have such a crevasse in between them and that is not how boobs would lay.
KAYLA: Her boobs are defying gravity.
SARAH: Her boobs are defying gravity.
KAYLA: She's laying on her back. And y'all should know that when you lay down with boobs on your back, they disappear.
SARAH: She's on her back almost like…
KAYLA: Arching.
SARAH: Almost upside down.
KAYLA: Yeah. And they're pointing up
SARAH: And they're pointing up.
KAYLA: They're pointing up and like voluminous.
SARAH: Like anime girl.
KAYLA: Like they should be falling…
SARAH: They like fall to the side.
KAYLA: Yeah, they should…
SARAH: Unrealistic.
KAYLA: I don't know that. Maybe they're fake, I wonder… Do you think fake boobs, like that doesn't happen?
SARAH: I saw a thing about…
KAYLA: Tell me everything.
SARAH: I saw a thing on the internet where it was like people being like, it was like two rich people, and they were like, “what is the surgery that you have most regretted?”
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Like cosmetic surgery.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And the girl goes, the one where they basically put a permanent bra in her.
KAYLA: What!? Oh, to like lift?
SARAH: They put like metal in…
KAYLA: Oh, no.
SARAH: Like by your ribs to have permanently lifted boobas.
KAYLA: Okay, I have heard of boob lifting surgery, but I thought they like cut at the top of your boob and kind of like lift the skin and like re-sew it up.
SARAH: I mean, how long does that last?
KAYLA: Oh, I mean, none of this lasts.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Ever. But oh my… aw!
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Imagine you're going through the metal detectors at TSA, they're like, “ma'am!?” And you're like, “it's just my internal bra.”
[00:10:00]
SARAH: “It’s my boobs.”
KAYLA: “It's my bone bra.”
SARAH: My bone bra. It's like bone broth but without th.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: And yeah, she was like, yeah, it was like the recovery was like more painful than I expected and I was like, “yeah!?”
KAYLA: What were you expecting?
SARAH: I don't…
KAYLA: Like, of course.
SARAH: Like, what are… Mh? That's all.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: So then, anyway, we were looking at rings of people fucking.
KAYLA: And they just… there are so many more, like…
SARAH: Detailed.
KAYLA: And the reviews… like, I was hoping in some of the reviews, people would be like, I bought this for blah, blah, blah. Or like some explanation about why.
SARAH: Right. One of them said it was a gift.
KAYLA: Right. Well, in the description of the first one I found, it does say… let me find it. God, they're just everywhere. Valentine ring. Hot love couple ring. Love ring. Couple ring. Boyfriend gift. Girlfriend gift. Sex ring. Gift for unisex. So.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: You know.
SARAH: There's another one that it's like a woman on her back on top of a man also on his back. Actually, does he have a body? I think it's just a head. In any case, the hair is so detailed, like there are strands of hair.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't like that.
SARAH: First of all, no bush, no bush on this woman.
KAYLA: Not a bush in sight.
SARAH: But also, literally Barbie hoo-ha situation happening.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, it's like you put in the detail to give this woman perky nipples, you put in the detail to give this woman hair cascading. And she does not have a photorealistic vulva?
KAYLA: Not a clit in sight.
SARAH: No, unbelievable.
KAYLA: Make it make sense.
SARAH: There are some other ones where like they're just like two people making out, but then their bodies turn into the ring. So then if you flattened the ring out, it would just be a two-sided person.
KAYLA: It looks like cat dog, but people kissing.
SARAH: Yeah. And so, Kayla then said that… because we had no idea what to talk about this week.
KAYLA: Well, and we were talking about this for a long time.
SARAH: Yeah. And then Kayla was like, I've always thought that we should just research sex toys because I feel like there's so much for us to learn. And I was like, “that's probably true.”
KAYLA: Well, because think about like classic Sounds Fake But Okay, like 10 years ago, or how the fuck long we've been doing this. Of like just two people trying to figure shit out that they don't understand.
SARAH: Yeah. A couple of weeks ago, I don’t remember how this came up. It was just me by myself, it wasn't even like a conversation I was having with someone.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: I was just like, I don't understand how cock rings work and I was just googling.
KAYLA: Well, let's find out, shall we?
SARAH: I was like, “what is this?” “What is that?” “What is that?”
KAYLA: Yeah, here's the thing, like before we get into this, I have like an understanding of the basic ones, right?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Like there are some ones that are very obvious. That's like, it goes here and it does this, obviously. But I feel like there are so many contraptions these days.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: And they baffle me. And I will say that none of this is like making fun or shame.
SARAH: No, we just don't know what's going on.
KAYLA: I am genuinely curious and fascinated to learn.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And if I ever say something like ew or gross, it's not in a shameful way, it's in an asexual way.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: And so, you're actually not allowed to be upset with me.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: What if I said that?
SARAH: Before we dive into sex toys, can I just say that when I was trying to find more weird jewelry of people having sex, I looked up people having sex jewelry.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: As one does. And all of the results were like sex toys that are jewelry.
KAYLA: Not sanitary.
SARAH: And I was just the entire time, I was like, that's so not sanitary. Like you wear this out at the club.
KAYLA: Certainly not.
SARAH: Some of them are very like low-key.
KAYLA: I need to be seeing this.
SARAH: Do you want me to screen share?
KAYLA: I would love that. Because my thing is, I was trying to think about like even just the rings that's like two people having… wow, that's crazy, of two people having sex. I was like, where would you wear that? And I was like, maybe to a club, like a sex party. Like there's places you could wear it.
SARAH: Like, look at all these people wearing the vibrator necklace.
KAYLA: Okay. So, describe the vibrator necklace.
SARAH: It's literally just a narrow stick, it looks like…
KAYLA: Like a nail kind of, or like a screw, like size and shape.
SARAH: Yeah. You know like an apple pencil?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: It's like that but like half the length.
KAYLA: Cut in half.
SARAH: Yeah. But it's like silver.
KAYLA: Okay, so it's a tiny vibrator.
SARAH: It is a tiny vibrator, yeah.
KAYLA: So where would you, like, it's so thin. Certainly, that's not going in.
SARAH: Look…
KAYLA: $79. Where's the explanation?
SARAH: Designed for beautiful experiences in public and in private, both as elegant jewelry and a strong, slim, external vibrator. I mean, it's not a bad necklace.
KAYLA: That looks like fine.
SARAH: And there's like a mini version that looks even like chiller.
KAYLA: I'm just kind of like, I mean, to me, this has to be a kink thing, right? Like…
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: There's no other reason to be like… like, what's the point?
SARAH: Yeah. I just...
KAYLA: Because like, I mean, I guess you could like whip it out in public and use it, I'd rather you didn't.
SARAH: But I mean, like to me the real kinky thing would be like walking around with a butt plug up your ass. Like not wearing it as a necklace, you know what I mean?
KAYLA: The only thought I have is like I know that there's like lock necklaces that like subs will wear.
SARAH: Uh-huh.
KAYLA: And like the doll will have the key and it'll be like a gift or whatever. I could see this as like a gift from a partner being like, “I think it'd be super-hot if you wore this out and then we'll use it when we get home.” Blah, blah, blah.
SARAH: I guess.
KAYLA: But it's just like… it's not for me, it’s not for me.
SARAH: I saw a tweet recently of this guy who was like, when I was a baby gay, I had this like lock necklace that I just liked because I thought it was cool
KAYLA: Uh-huh
SARAH: And I would wear it like at the gay bar and then I would be confused because like everyone would avoid me like the plague, like no one would ever hit on me.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And then he was like, this went on for two years.
KAYLA: Not two!
SARAH: And then I had to Google, ‘what does this mean?’
KAYLA: That's so sad. Why didn't anyone teach you?
SARAH: Anyway, okay. Also…
KAYLA: Oh, boobs
SARAH: Oh, look at this, this I find really upsetting.
KAYLA: Oh no!
SARAH: This I find really upsetting.
KAYLA: Ew!
SARAH: Okay, describe what you're looking at.
KAYLA: Okay, silver like chain necklace with like a charm on it, and the charm is a penis, but it looks…
SARAH: It's a penis, but it's opposable.
KAYLA: Right, so it kind of looks like a… not like slinky, but like…
SARAH: Like a snake, like a snake toy.
KAYLA: You know how like those 3D printed like dragons they like ripple? They like ripple, you know? Like they have little like… I don't know how to describe it.
SARAH: Yeah, it's like a little creature.
KAYLA: It's like a metal snake.
SARAH: Yeah, my grandparents had a little wooden snake like this when I was a child that we would play with and do not get your finger stuck in it.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Do not pinch your finger with it, it hurts.
KAYLA: So, like it can wiggle and go up and down and be like kind of floppy.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And then what is the thing hanging off the bottom?
SARAH: Is that…
KAYLA: Oh, is that what pulls it up? Oh, oh, I think you pull on that to make the peener go up. Wait, what?
SARAH: The gift box includes necklace, condom, money, and beer and chips, all miniature.
KAYLA: Like tiny, tiny version, little toy, tiny. I think that… so, there's like a… there's an even tinier chain hanging off the bottom of the penis thing. And I think that's… you pull that to make it go up.
SARAH: Or is it a cock ring?
KAYLA: Okay, I mean, you can, oh, wait, could it be?
SARAH: Also, of course there are balls here. No, it's… you pull it to make it go up. Yep, yep, see this picture.
KAYLA: Are there reviews on this item? Yep, go up, up.
SARAH: I don't want all reviews from this shop.
KAYLA: Picture, okay, down. Go down.
SARAH: Right here.
KAYLA: No, no, there’s pictures though.
SARAH: Oh, where?
KAYLA: Go down, go down.
SARAH: Oh, wow.
KAYLA: Nooooo! ‘I love this necklace so much. It's very good quality, so much fun.’
SARAH: Oh, you can get it in rose gold.
KAYLA: Well, thank God, I am a gold girlie.
SARAH: ‘Not a cheaply made piece. It's fun to play with and show off to friends and family.’
KAYLA: No! This would be a really good white elephant gift, I will say that. Like the ring, too. These would be very funny.
SARAH: ‘Love this dick, great quality.’
KAYLA: Like I do think these are good white elephant gifts.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: Again, not for me. Style brutalist, now, now, what do you mean by that?
SARAH: Yeah. A lot of people in these comments are like, ‘gay gift.’
KAYLA: ‘My wife loves it, can't keep her hands off.’ All right, Billy.
[00:20:00]
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: There was one that said…
SARAH: I'm trying to see the picture of Billy.
KAYLA: Go to Billy's profile. One said… I lost it, but it was, ‘well-crafted and she looks very hot wearing the necklace.’ Okay, here's my thing. Like I said with the other, like the vibrator necklace, I understand giving someone something that you are like, it is hot that you wear this because it makes me think of sex, blah, blah, blah. Not a literal penis with a chain on it that pulls it to make it go up.
SARAH: This is like so much of a gag, yeah.
KAYLA: Like certainly you're not looking at your wife in the club wearing the necklace you got her and being like, “mm, yeah.”
SARAH: And she's like making eye contact with you…
KAYLA: Animatronic puppet dick.
SARAH: Like, pulling on the little thing and making the dick go whing, whing, whing.
KAYLA: This is what I’m saying, like it's a puppet. It's like… I just… and again, I'm trying not to shame, but this one, I think I am shaming because.
SARAH: Apparently, it's really good quality.
KAYLA: I mean, I would hope so. Like, you know. Yeah, what else is this person up to? Ooh, vagina chain.
SARAH: Oh, there's a… you can get a bundle with a vulva and a penis.
KAYLA: Well, thank God.
SARAH: You can get penis earrings.
KAYLA: Penis earrings, vulva…
SARAH: Pussy pendant necklace.
KAYLA: Great. Skeleton earring, that's fun.
SARAH: It's a skeleton earring, but it's just hanging by one arm from the ear.
KAYLA: No, that's fun.
SARAH: That is fun.
KAYLA: What an interesting range of products.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Most of these are just like very basic
SARAH: Normal
KAYLA: Like normal jewelry.
SARAH: Grape dangly earrings.
KAYLA: That's cute.
SARAH: Okay, let's talk about sex toys.
KAYLA: Yes let's.
SARAH: Where should we begin?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Well... Oh, sorry, I was closing my tabs and I happened upon, this one says, ‘Figurative Lovers Ring,’ it is two people, they both appear to be women.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Ass to ass.
KAYLA: What!?
SARAH: I'm assuming there's a double-ended dildo happening is the implication.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And there they are. And neither of them have hair but they do have boobs.
KAYLA: Well.
SARAH: As the good Lord intended.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: All right. Okay, sex toys, they exist.
KAYLA: Yup.
SARAH: This was your idea, you got to start me off here.
KAYLA: Girl, I drove for weeks. I'm Googling, ‘strangest sex toys.’
SARAH: Because I mean, okay, what are the ones that you see all the time? You got a dildo.
KAYLA: Understand.
SARAH: You got a vibrator.
KAYLA: I get it.
SARAH: You got that rose thing.
KAYLA: Yeah, yes.
SARAH: It sucks.
KAYLA: I think yes.
SARAH: That's scary. Okay, hold on. Well, when I looked up sex, ‘people having sex jewelry.’
KAYLA: Yes?
SARAH: Google gave me Amazon bestsellers and fetish jewelry. And I opened it in an incognito window so it wouldn't show up on my family’s Amazon.
KAYLA: Uh-huh.
SARAH: And the first thing that came up is not fetish jewelry at all.
KAYLA: Uh
SARAH: But the rose thing. Let me read you this description if it will ever load. Are you ready?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: ‘Rose Toy Women Sex Toys - BIG SHOCKED Adult Toys for Women Rose Sex Toy Clit Sucker Sucking Vibrator with 10 Suction Modes Vibrator Dildo Anal Couples Female Adult Toy Dildos Vibrators Jewelry.’
KAYLA: Wait, what about it is jewelry?
SARAH: What about it is a dildo?
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Like, I guess I understand the suction thing, that freaks me out. You can control it with an app.
KAYLA: That's nice. I just found a really scary one.
SARAH: Mouth sucking vibrator.
KAYLA: I did just see one that's a suction cup and then there's also a tongue inside the suction cup.
SARAH: This one is the rose and it's connected to a penis dildo.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: They both exist. Anyway, what have you found that's disturbing?
KAYLA: Okay, I found one called Balldo. Have you ever wanted to turn your balls into a dildo?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: So, it is kind of is shaped like a bullet.
SARAH: Balldo.
KAYLA: Like, actually it's exactly the shape of a bullet, but part of it is hollow and you put your balls into it.
SARAH: World's first ball dildo.
KAYLA: And then, yeah.
SARAH: I don't understand.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, if you… have you ever wanted to penetrate your partner with your balls? I mean, let the ball sex revolution begin. ‘How it works.’
KAYLA: I fear we're not going to learn anything.
SARAH: Okay, so it puts a bullet on the end of your balls?
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Oh, Doc Johnson Belladonna's Magic Hand Dildo, it is a…
SARAH: Balldo merch?
KAYLA: No, no, no, what do you mean!?
SARAH: You can get a dangly thing that goes off the back of your car.
KAYLA: Nooooo!
SARAH: You can get a hat with balls that have a face and arms.
KAYLA: Noooooo!
SARAH: Anyway, what now?
KAYLA: It is a dildo that's shaped…
SARAH: What is it called, please?
KAYLA: Doc Johnson Belladonna's Magic Hand Dildo.
SARAH: Magic hand.
KAYLA: Oh, it is the hand… it's specifically shaped like the hand of porn performer, Belladonna.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: So, it's a hand that's like kind of… what is this shape?
SARAH: It's like when you have all of your fingers together.
KAYLA: Oh, like an Italian hand?
SARAH: Yeah, it's like Italian hand, all of your fingers are together.
KAYLA: But kind of like straighter.
SARAH: If you were to stick your entire hand in a small place.
KAYLA: Yeah, it's what you would do.
SARAH: That shape.
KAYLA: And here's, I'm going to admit something. So, this says, if fisting has always been a fantasy of yours, this dildo is a great way to experiment. I'm going to… okay, I know I'm about to sound really stupid, I thought fisting is you made a fist.
SARAH: You have to get it in there first.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know. Like what you're saying makes…
SARAH: You can't just go full fist.
KAYLA: That's why it has always been so deeply confusing to me.
SARAH: You have to put it in there and then it becomes a fist.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Think about the size of a butthole.
KAYLA: I'm not saying… listen, listen…
SARAH: Anyway, what are your thoughts on dildos that are like tentacles? Why would you buy it off of eBay? Sorry. Doc Johnson Belladonna's Magic Hand beige, sex toys off eBay. Let's see how much it costs, $43.98.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: It claims to be fully packaged.
KAYLA: I'm scared by that. Tentacle dildo. You're looking shocked.
SARAH: I'm on eBay now, which is really dangerous.
KAYLA: Yeah, what sex toys are they doing over on eBay?
SARAH: Huge dildo, thick girth, dong, lard, wide, thick, realistic, big giant cock for women. I'm going to screen share.
KAYLA: Okay, I'm scared. That is so much bigger than I ever could have possibly ever even ever imagined. Oh, it's for $69 though, that's fun.
SARAH: Imagine a human fist.
KAYLA: Double it.
SARAH: Imagine a penis wider than a human fist.
KAYLA: Triple even. That would rip me in half.
SARAH: That would rip anyone in half.
KAYLA: Aw, it hurts to look at. Ew, and it's ugly.
SARAH: Bathroom can also be used.
KAYLA: What!? Waterproof design, bathroom can also be used. Ew, like they did not have to make it look so gross.
SARAH: Great for oral sex and deep throat. How are you going to put that thing in your fucking mouth?
KAYLA: Nooooo! Whose mouth can do that? Ew, so many scary dildo pictures. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
SARAH: I have to close this, okay, okay, okay.
KAYLA: Why do they look like that?
SARAH: I don't like this at all. Okay, let's continue.
KAYLA: I'm scared. This is unlistenable, I'm sure.
SARAH: What were you saying before I saw the scary dildo?
KAYLA: What was I saying? I don’t know.
SARAH: Oh, we were talking about tentacles.
KAYLA: Oh, tentacles. Not for me, but I do understand that this is a kink that people have, so that's fun.
SARAH: Yeah, I feel like I get it.
KAYLA: Also like, yeah, fun shapes. This one, I just saw pickle shapes, that's fun.
SARAH: It’s cool.
KAYLA: I love it.
SARAH: Kayla, you want to get fucked by a pickle? I can make that happen for you.
KAYLA: Good head vibrating tongue ring. Everyone remembers their first oral sex session with a vibrating tongue ring.
SARAH: Oh!
KAYLA: So, it's a ring shaped like a tongue.
SARAH: All right, I got something, I got a listicle from Buzzfeed.
KAYLA: Well, thank Christ.
SARAH: 24 questionable looking sex toys that’ll exceed your expectations.
KAYLA: I'm scared, this was a bad idea, I did.
SARAH: I don't like that this is called a juicer.
KAYLA: Oh, no.
SARAH: That's all. This is… okay, this is like a… let me just read you. An adorable air pulse vibrator.
KAYLA: Adorable!?
SARAH: Because who wants to wait until pigs fly for an orgasm?
KAYLA: What!? Is it shaped like a pig or something?
[00:30:00]
SARAH: I'm going to describe it to you, and then I'll screen share it so you can see it and tell me if what I described is what you see.
KAYLA: Okay, I'm… okay.
SARAH: You know like a piggy bank?
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Like the one in Toy Story?
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Like a classic, it's that, but you know like the pingu mouth?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Let me make sure I use the right word. Yeah, the pingu mouth.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: You know that like little claymation penguin?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: And it has a mouth that gets really long sometimes and it's like…
KAYLA: Yep. Yes, yes. Like it's sucking on a straw.
SARAH: Imagine that type of piggy bank with a pingu mouth.
KAYLA: I don't like that.
SARAH: Is this what you pictured?
KAYLA: Yeah. It's just a pig with like a suction mouth.
SARAH: Uh-huh.
KAYLA: Why would I want a pig-shaped sex toy? It is just like the least sexy thing, I think.
SARAH: Well, it's made by lesbians.
KAYLA: Oh, another hand.
SARAH: Another hand. Corn on the cob dildo ribbed kernel exterior
KAYLA: Oh, ripped for her pleasure. Okay, here's the thing, like…
SARAH: Delectable internal massage? We're thinking about it as a massage?
KAYLA: Like, yeah, clearly internal. Like, yeah. Okay, here's my thing about these like silly ones.
SARAH: Oh, oh, oh. Before you use it, it looks like uncooked corn.
KAYLA: Nooooo!
SARAH: And then after it looks like cooked corn.
KAYLA: Oh, because… oh, because...
SARAH: I also wonder if it's like… I'm not going to expand.
KAYLA: No. Okay, here's my question, I have a question…
SARAH: I ordered this when there was only one corn dildo option on Spectrum's website. What do you mean there's many corn dildo options? Sorry, continue.
KAYLA: Okay. Here's my question about these like silly-looking dildos and silly sex toys. I understand buying them for like the ha ha.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: But if I'm thinking about genuinely I'm going to use this, and maybe this is just me, I cannot imagine getting into the mood and then… whether I'm using this alone or with someone, like the corn comes out, I just don't think so.
SARAH: Maybe you have a corn fetish.
KAYLA: Is that a thing?
SARAH: I'm sure it is.
KAYLA: Can I make a really disgusting joke and you can cut it out if you'd like?
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: You know how when you poop corn and it's like whole?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Imagine you like butt fuck someone with the corn and then it comes out like whole. That wasn't really anything, just a thought I had.
SARAH: Okay. I also love how in this photo, she's holding it like bent so you can see how like soft and movable it is.
KAYLA: Completely bent in half.
SARAH: It's in front of a map of the Midwestern United States which provides so much corn to the United States, it's the corn belt of America. And they said, let us take a picture of this corn dildo…
KAYLA: The pride, yeah.
SARAH: Right in front of Iowa, Indiana, Illinois, Missouri.
KAYLA: I'm glad they kept Michigan out of it, that was nice.
SARAH: Kalamazoo is there.
KAYLA: Well, that's not my business.
SARAH: You can see Ann Arbor, not where the city is but just the name as it's written.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: A novelty emoji vibrator, it's just various… you have a eggplant, chili pepper, banana, or a pickle.
KAYLA: Again, I think they're funny, I just feel like if that came out in the bedroom, I don't know that I could be taking that seriously.
SARAH: A vibrating stroker designed to look like a manta ray? These pictures aren't answering any questions for me.
KAYLA: That's just people.
SARAH: Those are just people.
KAYLA: I don't see anything.
SARAH: I have to go to the link.
KAYLA: Oh, scary.
SARAH: The website is under construction.
KAYLA: Oh, dang. Well, okay.
SARAH: Get it from Fun Factory. Oh, Fun Factory is under construction. Let me go to Amazon. Hold on, incognito.
KAYLA: How are we supposed to have fun? How are we supposed to have fun!?
SARAH: Yeah, I mean, okay, so the guy is holding it here.
KAYLA: That looks nothing like a manta ray, that looks like a television remote.
SARAH: This is the bottom. This is the top of… I don't know.
KAYLA: It looks like a television remote.
SARAH: It looks like a TV remote.
KAYLA: What is that?
SARAH: Cute little fuckers.
KAYLA: That's like a little bug in a leaf.
SARAH: It looks like a little bug alien thing, but like… oh, promising reviews. Screams, moans, unbelieving gasps, and crotchle to crotchle vibrators.
KAYLA: I just, again, I'm sorry, this thing looks… like, it's really cute, like it's a little bug guy and a leaf, I'm not putting that inside of me.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Like it looks like a children's… a hammer.
SARAH: I love hammer.
KAYLA: A hammer.
SARAH: It is a hammer.
KAYLA: A hammer shaped. Okay, this I will actually say, I understand.
SARAH: It’s a good grip that you can get...
KAYLA: And in fact, appreciate, because there are so many people that put things up them that should not go there and it's really dangerous and it gets stuck and they have to go to the hospital.
SARAH: Every Christmas.
KAYLA: So, if you're feeling that urge, it's nice that you could fulfill that safely.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: And I think that's nice.
SARAH: Every Christmas when Target releases their new minimalist Christmas tree decorations.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Flared base, flared base only, please. The knotty…
KAYLA: An elf!?
SARAH: Ew.
KAYLA: That barely looks like an elf.
SARAH: It boasts an uncircumcised tip and a girth of 8.25 inches at its widest point.
KAYLA: What about that is uncircumcised?
SARAH: I haven't really looked a lot into what a circumcised versus uncircumcised dick looks like. It's not something…
KAYLA: I just don't think that this looks like an elf nor a dick of any kind.
SARAH: It's giving ABO knotting to me…
KAYLA: I'm not understanding.
SARAH: In which alpha, beta… to mpreg you have to knot.
KAYLA: Knot, yes, I recall.
SARAH: Yeah, a tongue, yeah, that's weird.
KAYLA: I mean, that seems classy.
SARAH: Sorry, this is different, for the listeners, here we have a tentacle dildo rainbow.
KAYLA: Again, really takes me out of it. If I'm doing tentacle dildo, I need it to look realistic.
SARAH: Double-ended glass dildo. Okay, here's my thing about glass dildos.
KAYLA: Aren't they supposed to be safer or something?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Sanitary? I feel like I've heard this.
SARAH: Wouldn't they be cold?
KAYLA: Maybe.
SARAH: Also, I feel like I'm concerned about something that does not have any give to it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: That you're sticking up there, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah, that does seem scary.
SARAH: Like no give at all?
KAYLA: Ice cream.
SARAH: Ice cream cone vibrator. A snail-shaped vibrator.
KAYLA: Huh, cliteral.
SARAH: The romp wave grinding against a leaf for pleasure.
KAYLA: Uh-huh.
SARAH: What!? An egg? I don't even know what that is. Another manta ray?
KAYLA: Oh, I see it on this one, the manta ray shape, I suppose.
SARAH: Yeah. I love how it specifies that it's waterproof. Like, I should fucking hope so.
KAYLA: I should hope so.
SARAH: Now, this is a real pingu situation.
KAYLA: That does look like a penguin.
SARAH: This is pingu, essentially, with a bow tie on.
KAYLA: Yeah, dressed for the occasion.
SARAH: Dressed for the occasion.
KAYLA: Ew.
SARAH: I don't even know what that is.
KAYLA: Spiky. Ah, that's scary-looking.
SARAH: I'm confused and I'm scared.
KAYLA: It's like a booger.
SARAH: That's so tiny.
KAYLA: That's tiny.
SARAH: It's so little.
KAYLA: Looks like it got stuck.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: Ew, scary.
SARAH: What a really good audio. Me scrolling and I was just going, ooh.
KAYLA: Ew, scary.
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: How do you feel about a Doc Johnson, Sasha Grey, deep throat pocket pal?
SARAH: Okay, Doc Johnson.
KAYLA: Sasha Grey, another porn performer.
SARAH: Sasha Grey.
KAYLA: Deep throat pocket pal.
SARAH: Deep… well, not the cream pie pocket, it's different.
KAYLA: Well, what the fuck is that?
SARAH: Oh!
KAYLA: It's just a mouth, just a big mouth.
SARAH: It reminds me of Dune.
KAYLA: It does look like Dune. There has got to be Dune sex toys out there, right? Like what, with the worm of it all?
SARAH: The worm of it all, yeah. Deep throat pocket pal.
KAYLA: Dune sex toy…
SARAH: Yeah, okay, so the deep throat pocket pal, it's just a mouth that extends so that you stick your dick in it and it's a mouth.
KAYLA: Well, that's not Dune, that's an egg.
SARAH: Sasha Grey cream pie pocket.
KAYLA: I'm not seeing a Dune sex toy.
SARAH: Okay, yeah, so the cream pie pocket is cream pie pocket pussy.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: Closed-ended stroker creates natural suction and it's a pussy and… ah, I don't like how…
KAYLA: That episode is the worst we've ever made.
SARAH: ‘Customers who viewed this item also viewed,’ and it's just a bunch of other stroker things where you stick your dick in it.
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: Yeah. That seems scary to me.
SARAH: It's just designed to look like a woman's hoo-ha. And some of them are really detailed and it just reminds me how much I hate looking at genitals.
KAYLA: I do not find anatomically-correct sex toys to be appealing to me. I can understand why they would be, but I would rather like a purple dildo that looks nothing like an actual dick than skin, fleshy color. It's just something about it is just a little uncanny, I don’t know, it’s just so odd.
SARAH: Especially if it's super anatomically-correct. I feel like I've gotten desensitized to a dick, I do not like balls.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: Let's make that clear.
KAYLA: So, you would not want the ball bullet thing?
SARAH: No! Nowhere. And I don't want that within a mile of me. I feel like I've been desensitized to the dick, but just the dick part, nothing else. Just the dick I've been desensitized to.
KAYLA: Mm, that’s fair.
SARAH: But seeing female anatomy, photorealistic, terrifying, I hate it so much. Like, I don't want to say it's gross because it is human, it is normal. However, I will say I don't like it.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: And I cannot imagine looking at that and being like, “ooh, I'm so turned on.” I'm scared. Hold on. Let's really quickly, let's hit the cock rings.
KAYLA: Oh, can I tell you about one more?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: There is a motor bunny sex machine, there are limited photos. First of all, $1,200.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: Limited photos. It looks to be a saddle of sorts that you would sit on and then there's different attachments for like different dicks to like put it on and then you would like ride this machine.
SARAH: Yeah, okay.
KAYLA: It seems like a lot of work.
SARAH: I mean, they make fucking machines.
KAYLA: It just seems like a lot of work.
SARAH: Yeah. Sex swings, I understand what they are.
KAYLA: Sounds like so much work.
SARAH: Do they really make it that much better that it's worth spending all of that money on a sex swing? You have to store it. Like, what about that experience is so much better that it's worth it?
KAYLA: Kink thing? I don't know.
SARAH: See, I guess maybe there's a weird… there's a… you got to get the right angle, but then it's like, okay. But you're just like swinging in the air.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, it seems…
SARAH: Isn't it hard to like really get a good…
KAYLA: I couldn't say, I don't know.
SARAH: Like a good rhythm going, you're just swinging.
KAYLA: I just simply couldn't say.
SARAH: I need to understand cock rings. I don't need to, but I guess I would like to. I'm going to Google, ‘cock ring, I don't understand.’
KAYLA: ‘Cock ring, confused.’
SARAH: It is worn around the base of the penis, sometimes including the testicles, to maintain a firmer and longer lasting erection by restricting blood flow out of the penis. See, I think that's the thing that really confuses me, is sometimes it's just around the dick and sometimes it's also around the balls. And that's, I think, what I was confused by.
KAYLA: I see.
SARAH: Because like, what do you mean? I don't… I think they're scary.
KAYLA: I would be afraid of it getting stuck.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean, they're like the material of them, it's not like metal, but they do make like dick cages.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's also scary, a chastity cage.
SARAH: A chastity cage. Anyway, I think that's it.
KAYLA: This was nothing, this was absolutely nothing.
SARAH: The Tool Shed is Milwaukee's only mission-driven sex toy store.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: What does that mean?
KAYLA: Do you know the football coach Bill Belichick?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You know who he's dating? Like, a 25-year-old or whatever.
SARAH: That girl who is like one year old, yeah.
KAYLA: Her mom, I think, someone related to her, owns this sex shop in Provincetown in Massachusetts, that's like very famous. It's like a museum slash sex shop. And that whole, it's so funny to me, that connection. Because what does it mean?
SARAH: Trans Tool Shed. All our gender-affirming items in one spot. Established 2008.
KAYLA: That’s fun.
SARAH: They got like packers and binders and stuff, but then they also have like… they got books. They got books!
KAYLA: Books at the sex shop.
SARAH: What does personal care mean? Yeah, that's the dildos, okay.
KAYLA: Right, right, right, right, right, right.
SARAH: Right, right, right, right, right, right. I want to know what you mean by mission-driven.
KAYLA: Maybe they give their money somewhere.
SARAH: It's to provide quality products that enhance the sexual lives and relationships of our customers.
KAYLA: I do feel as though that's maybe the mission of all of them.
SARAH: Education-based, more than your typical adult store, we provide quality, body-friendly products that enhance the sexual lives and relationships of our customers, all in a comfortable, compassionate, and welcoming atmosphere.
KAYLA: Okay, that's nice.
SARAH: Okay, sure. What have we learned today?
KAYLA: Absolutely nothing.
SARAH: Oh, I have one last question. You know, there's like the classic vibrator that has, it's like a thing on a thing. Why are they so big?
KAYLA: I don't know if I know what you're describing.
SARAH: I just saw a picture of it and then I closed it.
KAYLA: Well.
SARAH: Vibrator, images. No, I want the one that's like a machine. There we go. Please hold. These ones, they're like gigantic. But like, obviously…
KAYLA: Yeah, it looks like a microphone.
SARAH: It looks like a microphone. But like, obviously you’re not using… like this doesn't go in, it's just a…
KAYLA: I do not know.
SARAH: They're just gigantic. They're like the magic wand ones if you can't figure out what we're talking about. They're just huge.
KAYLA: I simply do not know.
SARAH: Like look how big that is compared to a hand.
KAYLA: I feel like I have never seen…
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: Like I've seen pictures, but like, I don't know that I've ever seen anyone like discussing these or like…
SARAH: Well, Inside Hook says that a wand vibrator is the only sex toy… a classic for a reason
KAYLA: Okay, click on that, make them explain. Make them explain!
SARAH: It was first introduced in 1968 as a muscle massager and it gained popularity as a sex toy…
KAYLA: Do you think it's like a Theragun? Like, do you think it's just like beating your pussy up?
SARAH: I bet it is, it's probably like a Theragun, but maybe not so much like… a little more like vibrate-y than whack.
KAYLA: I mean, I guess I do understand if you're thinking about like the ‘60s, the technology of making a vibrator. Like, yeah, this is probably what we were working with.
SARAH: How big is the magic wand mini?
KAYLA: Hopefully smaller.
SARAH: It still looks like the size of a microphone. How big is the regular one?
KAYLA: That one looks straight up like a karaoke microphone.
SARAH: Like it's huge, I just don't understand why it's so big.
KAYLA: I think it's… ooh, flexible, man. I think it's just beating you up. Yep, it looks like it just beats you up.
SARAH: I just like… I don't think there's a…
KAYLA: So, I guess it can be big because it's not going in.
SARAH: Is there that much technology needed that you have to have that?
KAYLA: No, I think this is something that like probably is okay to be phased out now that we have better technology.
SARAH: Look, it's the first one.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know, maybe it's just like the classic.
SARAH: When I clicked on this website, I clicked on Web Sex Toys and it said vibrators and it was just a picture of…
KAYLA: I guess that's just like the classique perhaps.
SARAH: Wands. Best sellers, there it is, it's a best seller. It's a classic for a reason.
KAYLA: I don't know, maybe there is something…
SARAH: Travel friendly, beginner friendly.
KAYLA: Travel, wow.
SARAH: This one is a cactus.
KAYLA: I guess it is.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Thank God, pleasure egg for Easter.
SARAH: Apparently, rabbits are a thing?
KAYLA: Yes, I'm seeing this.
SARAH: I'm scared.
KAYLA: Flashlight.
SARAH: Scared, I say, if I click on that one.
KAYLA: I have always hated that it's called a flashlight. Why does it have to be called that?
SARAH: Is it just because it looks like a flashlight?
KAYLA: I guess. Do they light up for real? Do you think?
SARAH: Girl, that's a woman, that's not a sex toy.
KAYLA: It's a human woman.
SARAH: It's a human woman. In Jury Duty, the new season, the guy is like, not the real guy, one of the actors, is like, “I found this in my hotel room.” He thought it was like a water bottle, but it was weird and it tasted weird. And they're like, “what is that?” And he was like, “I thought it was left as a welcome gift.” And then they were like, “let's read this, let's look at it closer.” And then the other woman was like, “I can't see. What does it say?” And she hands it to the guy who doesn't know that it's fake. And he goes, “oh no, you don't want to be drinking out of this.” And then he laughs so hard, he falls over. Because it was, in fact, a flashlight.
KAYLA: Noooooo!
SARAH: With a mysterious liquid in it.
KAYLA: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
SARAH: Anyway, what did we learn today?
KAYLA: Nothing!
SARAH: Nothing! Listen, I don't know, I don't even know what to say.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: We have encountered things that will haunt our dreams.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: If you're into this thing, I support you.
[00:50:00]
KAYLA: I love that for you.
SARAH: I just don't… Like how much, here's a question, how much do you think the average American spends on sex toys in their lifetime?
KAYLA: I have absolutely no idea.
SARAH: How much money do you think the average American spends on all sex-related, like condoms, lube…
KAYLA: I mean, it has got to be a good amount of…
SARAH: Abortions. Plan B.
KAYLA: Oops! Because there are so many sex toy companies.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like this must be a good industry. And I see people doing ads for them all the time.
SARAH: And people be like, oh yeah, let me reach into my sex toy drawer.
KAYLA: I mean, this must be a large…
SARAH: Like what's the average?
KAYLA: A lot, I guess.
SARAH: Hold on, let me look this up, ‘Average amount of money spent on sex toys,’ ‘sex products spending state by state.’ In 2022, approximately 40% of US sex toy owners, so this is people who own sex toys, spent $100 or more within a 12-month period. Vibrators are the most popular. Sex toy spending by state. Okay, would you like to guess? Now this is according to a survey of 2,300 people, so, it's not like a huge sample. The 10 states that spend the most on sex toys…
KAYLA: Utah.
SARAH: You said Utah. Now you won't be shocked to hear this, but Utah is not on this list.
KAYLA: I actually am kind of surprised.
SARAH: They're also not on the 10 who spend the least.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: But again, this is not a huge sample size if we're considering all 50 states.
KAYLA: California?
SARAH: California is number two.
KAYLA: New York?
SARAH: New York is not on the list.
KAYLA: Rhode Island?
SARAH: No, but you're getting closer to the number one.
KAYLA: That actually surprises me because from what I understand, Rhode Island has a very large kink presence, but also, I mean, it's smaller, so I don't know. Maine?
SARAH: No, you were just there.
KAYLA: Connecticut?
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: That actually is deeply shocking.
SARAH: Supposedly.
KAYLA: That's actually really shocking.
SARAH: States that spend the most on fetish gear. Rhode Island is not there. Connecticut is the highest.
KAYLA: I just don't believe that.
SARAH: Supposedly. States by the fewest sex toys, number two is Ohio, number one is Pennsylvania.
KAYLA: Mh
SARAH: Well, I guess they have Amish people there.
KAYLA: They can't do that, only analog sex toys for them.
SARAH: I don't know how reliable those stats are.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Size of the sex toy market is increasing. Impact analysis of COVID-19.
KAYLA: I bet they went way up.
SARAH: Yeah, yeah. Top 10 nations leading in sex toy interest. This is based off of searches per population.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: What do you think the number one is?
KAYLA: Germany?
SARAH: No, I can see why you would think that.
KAYLA: This is sex toys?
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: US?
SARAH: No, US is four.
KAYLA: Who is fucking? Australia?
SARAH: No, sorry, US is three. This is not in order. It shows the rank, but it's not listed in order.
KAYLA: Stupid.
SARAH: No, they're all listed in order, except for number 10, which is listed third.
KAYLA: Oh, good, good, good, good, good.
SARAH: Number one is Denmark.
KAYLA: Huh!
SARAH: Denmark and Sweden. US, UK, Netherlands, Russia, Bulgaria, Italy, Australia, Norway.
KAYLA: That all feels very random.
SARAH: Well, places where it's cold and dark and there's nothing to do but fuck, like Australia. I mean, it’s just famously…
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Mid-range interest regions, Latin America. Lower interest and emerging markets, Middle Eastern and African markets, I wonder why.
KAYLA: Huh.
SARAH: Interesting. Okay, sorry, we've been doing this for... We keep getting... We keep trying to finish this.
KAYLA: I want to go to sleep and not talk about this anymore.
SARAH: And you know, maybe there's a joke to be made about finishing. I don't have it.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: I guess. This has been the podcast. What's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Do you hate us? It's okay, be honest.
SARAH: Did you learn something today? Is there a strange sex toy that you've heard of that we did not discuss today?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Do you… I don't even know.
KAYLA: Are we okay?
SARAH: Are you going to buy that necklace with the penis that moves?
KAYLA: Please don't. But if you do let us know.
SARAH: Kayla, what's your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: Oh, boy. My beef is when the vibes are bad.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And when sometimes people in particular have bad vibes and why are they bringing that around? Keep that away from me. If you know that you have bad energy, stop doing it.
SARAH: Exactly.
KAYLA: My juice is Project Hail Mary was so good. It was maybe one of the best, it's definitely one of the best, maybe the best movie I've ever seen. It was so good. Amaze, amaze, amaze, thumbs down and...
SARAH: I understand that deeply.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Great.
KAYLA: And that is that.
SARAH: My beef, man, I'm just itchy.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: They prescribed me a new antihistamine. They were going to prescribe me two new antihistamines and then my insurance wouldn't cover one of them. So now I'm on three antihistamines.
KAYLA: Tragedy.
SARAH: I counted. I take every single day, 13 pills.
KAYLA: Oh my God!
SARAH: Every day.
KAYLA: Oh my God! No! No!
SARAH: My juice, I don't want to jinx it, but I am doing pretty well in my March Madness bracket.
KAYLA: Okay!
SARAH: I've been sitting at third for a while and I'm the only one who chose… I chose Arizona to win because I knew that…
KAYLA: That's mean.
SARAH: Here's my thinking, I had Michigan get quite far, but you know what Michigan sports does?
KAYLA: Bad.
SARAH: Disappoints you.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I was like, I fear they may choke. So, I had them get pretty far and then choke. If I'm wrong…
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: If I'm wrong, I will be happy to be wrong.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: You know, like either outcome is good for me in a different way.
KAYLA: I have not looked at my bracket in forever, I have no idea what's going on over there.
SARAH: Well, the group I'm in, a lot of them are Michigan grads, and so, a lot of them just chose Michigan out of principle.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair. So, you have a real chance of shaking things up.
SARAH: So, I have a real chance because several people said Duke, Duke is out. Dalton King said UCLA for some reason.
KAYLA: Dalton, please!
SARAH: We had someone who said Purdue.
KAYLA: Purdon’t.
SARAH: I would like to be clear that no one participating in this bracket knows really anything about basketball. Some know more than others.
KAYLA: I'm trying to find my bracket.
SARAH: There's a person who picked BYU for some reason.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: To which I said, “you're Catholic, why didn't you pick a Catholic school?”
KAYLA: That's a good question.
SARAH: And then someone who picked Bama and seemed to intentionally vote against all of the big 10 and Midwestern schools.
KAYLA: Mh
SARAH: Well, he has done very bad.
KAYLA: I'm tied for 10th in mine, so.
SARAH: How many people are in yours?
KAYLA: 13.
SARAH: You got 13, yeah, and then one had Florida. So, then the rest of them who are still alive…
KAYLA: Alive.
SARAH: I mean, the person who was in second place has Duke winning. So, clearly there's enough good in that bracket that it's doing okay.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But I'm the only one who said Arizona, so, if Arizona wins…
KAYLA: So, there you go.
SARAH: Yeah, that's for sure. Oh, my other juice is the BTS album, I know I talked about it coming out but I haven't talked about it. It's full of bops and bangers. There's a gong, well, it's a bell, it's the thing, it's good. I've been listening to ‘Body to Body’ a lot the past couple of days. Like animals bangs, normal bangs into the sun bangs. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
KAYLA: You’re welcome.
SARAH: You can tell us about your beef, your juice, even if that beef is this episode of the podcast…
KAYLA: That's fine, we’ll understand.
SARAH: On our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you want to pay us to tell us to stop doing this.
KAYLA: And that's so fair.
SARAH: Yeah. If you're a $20 patron, you can tell us a podcast topic that we have to do.
KAYLA: That's true.
SARAH: And perhaps you could tell us a podcast topic that we're banned from doing.
KAYLA: Not to do. And that's fair. Again, I get it.
SARAH: Anyway, our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Simon, Snordstorm, Sofia P, Tall_Darryl, and Tom S. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Maff who would like to promote the Don't Should Sweatshirt, Martin Chiesl who would like to promote his podcast Everyone’s Special and No One Is, Purple Hayes who would like to promote the musician Vinther, Quartertone who would like to promote World Central Kitchen & Doctors Without Borders and Barefoot Backpacker who would like to promote their YouTube channel, rtwbarefoot. Our other $20… nope, our other $10 patrons are SongOStorm, Val, Alastor, Ani, Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Clare Olsen, Danielle Hutchinson, Derick & Carissa, Elle Bitter, Eric, my aunt Jeannie, Johanna, Kayla's dad, sorry to both my aunt and Kayla's dad and my mom who is coming up later, and KELLER bradley. Now, to be fair, I don't think my mom consistently listens to this podcast very frequently.
[01:00:00]
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know about my parents either. So, who is to say? And maybe they'll just see the title and be like, you know.
SARAH: Because she's a busy woman, she has things to do. I think my sister listens to it somewhat frequently.
KAYLA: Sorry.
SARAH: You're welcome. Our $15 patrons are Ace who would like to promote the writer Crystal Scherer. Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com. Kayla's aunt Nina who would like to promote katemaggartart.com, apologies to you, aunt Nina. Schnell who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. And our $20 patrons are Changeling & Alex who would like to promote their company, ControlAltAccess (Dot Com), Dr. Jacki, Dragonfly, my mom, and River who would like to promote apologizing for this podcast episode.
KAYLA: Important things to do.
SARAH: Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]