Ep 405: Reddit Rabbithole pt. 28
SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I'm Sarah, that's me)
KAYLA: And a bi-demisexual girl (that's me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode: Reddit Rabbithole.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Kayla got the sickness. Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: I'm diseased.
SARAH: She caught it from me across the country.
KAYLA: Across the country. It traveled to me across… our shared brain cell brought it back to me upon its return.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: That's what happens when you only have one brain cell to share.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Very prone to diseases.
SARAH: I was hoping it would kind of like… just kind of shake it off, shake the germs off.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: On the way.
KAYLA: If anything, it might pick up more on the way. Who knows where it has been?
SARAH: And we both live relatively near to the sea, so we can't even be like, oh, well, it never goes to the sea, therefore it never gets better, you know
KAYLA: It's always in the sea.
SARAH: It’s always…
KAYLA: It's always at the sea.
SARAH: I mean, but when it crosses, it's spending a lot of time like over Kansas, you know.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair, maybe it's just so dusty.
SARAH: Yeah, air quality these days.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Do we have any housekeeping?
KAYLA: I don't think so.
SARAH: Great. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: We're going back to Reddit because my brain can't do anything more than that.
SARAH: I just clicked on a Reddit post in my AITA document and I got a pop-up that says, ‘you've been blocked by network security. If you think you've been blocked by mistake, file a ticket below and we'll look into it.’
KAYLA: Hello?! What does that mean? Like your account?
SARAH: Okay, now it's working. I refreshed it.
KAYLA: Okayyy?
SARAH: I don't understand what happened there. It can't be my account because I don't have an account.
KAYLA: Oh, well, they said you've used Reddit one too many times for content, you must go away now.
SARAH: Ugh, okay... oh, this we already did.
KAYLA: So, it doesn't even matter.
SARAH: Ugh! Okay, I'm going to just click on this and see what happens. Okay, this is good. Are you ready?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: This is from the r/tragedeigh spelled T-R-A-G-E-D-E-I-G-H Reddit.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Pretty sure I ruined my sister's baby name by asking if it was a tech startup. Have we done this?
KAYLA: No, I don't think so.
SARAH: Great. So, my sister is seven months pregnant with a girl and last weekend she finally announced her super-unique and romantic name pick.
KAYLA: Romantic?
SARAH: She looks us all dead in the eye and goes, Anna Kinzel.
KAYLA: That sounds like a Christmas cookie.
SARAH: It's giving pretzel to me.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: Perhaps Kinsey Scale.
KAYLA: It's giving like someone's name in a holiday rom-com.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: But like that's their full name, Anna first name, Kinzel last name.
SARAH: Yes. It's giving like a character in an old German fairy tale.
KAYLA: Yeah, very Hansel and Gretel.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. Okay. So… bro, before my brain could even stop me, I blurted out, wait, is that an antivirus software or something?
KAYLA: Oh my God!
SARAH: Literal crickets at the table. It turns out it was a mashup of Anakin from Star Wars…
KAYLA: No!
SARAH: And Rapunzel.
KAYLA: They know who Anakin turns into, no?
SARAH: My mom choked on her drink so bad and my brother immediately started reading off fake software glitches out loud. Yeah, so… is Anakin just a totally made-up name that they made up for Star Wars?
KAYLA: Let's do some quick Googling. Oh God, they changed what the Google app looked like.
SARAH: Oh. No, I don't want the origin of Anakin Skywalker, I want the origin of the name. Yeah, okay, it was invented by George Lucas as a fictional-given name.
KAYLA: Named… Sorry, go ahead
SARAH: The widely cited theory is that George Lucas named the character as an homage to his friend and fellow British film director Ken Annakin.
KAYLA: Oh. I'm seeing something different, which is that… oh, there's something else briefly about something else.
SARAH: There are some origins in Hebrew and Sanskrit.
KAYLA: His friend was the one who made Meet the Robinsons? Nope, Swiss Family Robinson. Is that different? I shouldn't speak today, I don't know what's going on.
SARAH: And he originally spelled it differently too. A-N-N-I-K-I-N.
KAYLA: Swiss Family Robinson, a 100% completely different, very different movie from Meet the Robinsons.
SARAH: Okay. In any case, he seems to have basically made this name up.
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: So, there is no other connotation.
KAYLA: Why would you name your child after an evil man and also Rapunzel?
SARAH: Also, a princess who gets locked in a tower by her mother… Well, you know, the person pretending to be her mother.
KAYLA: One or the other I could take, I guess.
SARAH: But both together?
KAYLA: But both combined when they have nothing to do with each other. Is there any explanation as to why those two together? Are these like the couple's favorite movies or something?
SARAH: Maybe, it doesn't specify.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Okay, so she got so mad she stormed off. But yesterday she texted me a pic of nursery stuff with the name Clara on it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Ruined family dinner for sure, but hey, at least my niece won't sound like a Wi-Fi router.
KAYLA: What was the name again?
SARAH: Anna Kinzel.
KAYLA: Dean? What would you do if I told you I wanted to name a child Anna Kinzel?
DEAN: Mm?
KAYLA: If I wanted to name a human child Anna Kinzel, what would you think about that?
DEAN: Anna Kinzel?!
KAYLA: Yeah.
DEAN: Like… what?
KAYLA: What does that sound like to you?
DEAN: It sounds like the lead from Pitch Perfect.
KAYLA: He said it sounds like the lead from Pitch Perfect.
SARAH: Anna Kendrick!
KAYLA: I did think of that too. Well, it's a no from Dean it seems.
SARAH: Yeah, to me it's giving like old-timey German
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: But not a name you'd actually see.
KAYLA: It's giving first name last name to me. If someone's name was first name Anna, last name Kinzel…
SARAH: First name Anna, last name Kinzel, yeah
KAYLA: I'd say, what a completely horrible name to have?!
SARAH: Yeah. And this person in the comments is like, “it's giving Disney adults.” And it's like, I mean, yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah. But again, why… there's many… I think there's… like, you could find two other Disney names to combine that would probably work just fine.
SARAH: Let's come up with some.
KAYLA: Okay, right.
SARAH: Let's even stick with the same movies.
KAYLA: Ooh, okay.
SARAH: Flaya. Flynn Rider.
KAYLA: Raescal. Rae and Pascal the chameleon.
SARAH: And the little chameleon.
KAYLA: Lukothel. Luke and Mother Gothel.
SARAH: I was trying to also do Mother Gothel. Darthel, Darth Vader and Mother Gothel.
KAYLA: It’s just there are so few characters.
SARAH: Yeah, it tangled…
KAYLA: What's the horse’s name? What's the horse called in Tangled?
SARAH: I don't remember. Tangled horse. Maximus.
KAYLA: Oh, Hansimus.
SARAH: Hansimus? Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, there are so many interesting options here.
KAYLA: Yeah, the problem is Star Wars has one trillion extremely wild alien names and Rapunzel has like five names total ever.
SARAH: Like two names, yeah
KAYLA: So.
SARAH: Yeah. Imagine if someone shipped Anakin with Rapunzel, I bet someone is…
KAYLA: I'm sure it's out there, hold on.
SARAH: I'm checking.
KAYLA: Google. Tangled hearts, chapter one, a Star Wars fanfic.
SARAH: Is it Anakin and Rapunzel?
KAYLA: Uh…
SARAH: What platform is it on?
KAYLA: Fanfiction.net. I just Googled it and I got… no, it's not. I don’t know, a bunch of stuff came up when I Googled it.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: But… okay, right, yep.
SARAH: Is it?
KAYLA: Right, yep. Rapunzel, Padmé, and Eugene, Anakin. Eugene is Flynn Riders.
SARAH: Oh, so it's a Star Wars AU of Rapunzel and Flynn?
KAYLA: Yeah, I guess. But how deeply specific? How did we get there? There's so much. Okay, maybe this person is just like really in that… really in that. Groom loves Star Wars, bride loves Tangled, their wedding song. Fascinating.
[00:10:00]
SARAH: I mean, listen, you can do an AU of anything. Some of them really bang.
KAYLA: That’s just so… I just never would have put that together. You know?
SARAH: Well...
KAYLA: Oh, and but also this Reddit one came up, so
SARAH: Great.
KAYLA: When I Googled that, so.
SARAH: All right, here's one. This is on r/MenopauseShedforMen.
KAYLA: What?!
SARAH: I'm guessing it's where men complain about their partners going through menopause.
KAYLA: Great.
SARAH: ‘Sexless because of cancer.’
KAYLA: I can't do this.
SARAH: Married 20 years. She's diagnosed with breast cancer due to hormones, so TRT is not an option. I'm a male 53 and all I can do to honor the oath I took… And doing all I can do to honor the oath I took, but it has become difficult. I know the cancer and hormone blockers are doing their thing, but it doesn't mean my feelings and urges have stopped. I'm trying the best I can, but she's just not responding to my hints and direct requests. To make it harder, I earn $350,000 a year.
KAYLA: What?!
SARAH: So, it's thrown at me like nobody's business.
KAYLA: Okay, then…
SARAH: I'm struggling here and trying to be the husband that doesn't quit, but it's hard. Any advice? I'm nearing my wits end and I don't want to be that guy, but it's really hard.
KAYLA: There's no way this is real. I refuse... I just must refuse.
SARAH: Oh, this is absolutely real, this is abso-fucking-lutely real.
KAYLA: I mean, I'm sure this happens, but just like the gall to then post it on Reddit is wild to me.
SARAH: People are like, he's more worried about sex than his wife dying.
KAYLA: Well, yeah, yeah.
SARAH: I got this from Twitter, but someone has a screenshot of the post that was deleted on Reddit.
KAYLA: I bet.
SARAH: But he got ratioed into oblivion. This comment that was from Reddit says, “what does earning $350,000 a year have to do with anything? Try masturbating.”
KAYLA: I'm saying… like, okay… like…
SARAH: And then this person goes, “and uh, how is your wife doing? I'm embarrassed for you.”
KAYLA: Yeah, I just…
SARAH: Also, he's like, I'm not trying to be that guy, but it's…
KAYLA: You are that guy.
SARAH: You are that guy.
KAYLA: You are that guy. She's dying. What are you… Hello?!
SARAH: Okay, I found the original tweet or the original Reddit. He deleted it, but the comments are all still there. One of them just says, “in sickness and in health.”
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: It's also… okay. So, he's not responding… She's not responding to his hints or direct requests. Maybe he should talk to her about it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And say, hey, this is not your fault. However, it's really bothering me because I don't have an outlet for this.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And maybe we can brainstorm solutions together.
KAYLA: Yeah, because it's like… like he's… he is right. Right? Like, whatever is going on, things haven't changed for him. Are her problems worse? Yes. But also, like if he… if it's clearly bothering him that much, then like, yeah, you should do… like, that's valid. But you should do something constructive about it.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: If someone went about that normally, I would totally be like, yeah, man, like that does suck. Like, I'm sorry that that's like a side effect of what's happening.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: It's not my biggest concern, I'm more concerned for your wife.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But I can admit, that sucks. But also, probably you should be normal about it.
SARAH: Yeah. There are some comments that are actually like really helpful. So, there's this one that says, “can you channel the energy physically in other ways? Take up a new sport, get a personal trainer and go ham in the gym or on the rolling machine or elliptical or whatever will help with your restlessness. Otherwise, maybe some therapy or maybe both sports and therapy. So, you do have someone IRL to talk it out with and in a non-judgmental slash professional setting. Your wife is going through a lot and your hints and direct requests are likely not helping. I'm sure you didn't mean it, but the phrasing of your OP sounds kind of self-centered. Your desires and needs and feelings are all valid. The hard part is how to handle them. You're probably in a different financial position than many. So, why not try tossing some money at the problem via therapy or training or any other outlet that might help.”
KAYLA: That's true. You have so much money. You have so much money, as you said.
SARAH: Yeah. And another one is just like; “you need to try to find a way to re-channel that energy somewhere else.” And this person says, “a healthy way to distract yourself. She's living with a lot right now and doesn't need additional stress. I'm a guy who has been completely without sex for 10 years. Never thought I'd be able to do it, but it's amazing what you can adapt to. Whatever you do, don't cheat. That 350k a year, be prepared to kiss half of it goodbye if you do.”
KAYLA: Yeaaahhhh.
SARAH: Yeah. Yeah, I think depending on the type of relationship you have with this person, maybe have a conversation and be upfront about it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But also, you need to be very, very, very, very, very, very careful about how you're approaching that.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, it's hard because it's like if I were… and like, maybe this says a lot about me personally, but like if I were sick like that, I would be thinking about how it impacts the other people in my life. And it would make me sad to be like, oh, this thing I can't control is also like impacting you in a negative way. So, on the one hand, I can understand the urge to be like, I'm just not going to bring it up, I don't want to put extra stress on her, I don't want her to feel guilty. But at the same time, I would rather know and like try to find a solution than have someone just like harbor that and become resentful.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And it's like, well, you never gave us the chance to try to figure it out.
SARAH: I'm also curious how supportive of his wife he's being as she's like going through this treatment and whatever.
KAYLA: I mean, if this is like concern number one, it feels like it's not great.
SARAH: Right. And like my first thought or one of my first thoughts was and I don't know how accurate this is or how broadly applicable this is because I do not understand the experience of weird fucking allos, not weird allos, I'm just saying like all allos are weird, personally, in my opinion.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But like, if your wife has cancer and is going through something difficult, wouldn't that make you more like worried and stressed yourself? Wouldn’t it for some people that make their own sex drive maybe go down a little bit?
KAYLA: I'm sure for some people, yeah.
SARAH: Some people might react the opposite way.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know.
SARAH: I guess, I don't know, that was just my thought, I was like, well, maybe you should care more about your wife.
KAYLA: I think for a lot of people, their mental state is tied to it. But I think, yeah, for one case, it could make it go in the opposite direction. And for some people, I don't know, maybe it's not related at all.
SARAH: Yeah. Hug your wife as much as you can for the physical closeness, buy a flashlight for when you need some action.
KAYLA: That's what I'm saying, like there's other solutions, like, it doesn’t like…
SARAH: Yeah. Like, I understand the concern, but also, are you insane? You know?
KAYLA: I also… I just really don't care for the like, oh, I make this much money so people are always throwing themselves at me.
SARAH: Is that what he meant by that? Like, that was my guess. Is that what he meant by that?
KAYLA: That's what I took from that, which is just like very odd to me because it's not like he just started making that much money when his wife got cancer.
SARAH: Right
KAYLA: So, it's like, okay, people have always been throwing themselves at you, but it has been okay before and you haven't been tempted because you have been able to have sex with your wife.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But now it's… to me, I'm like, do you even like your wife or is she just there to have sex with?
SARAH: Yeah. Like, the tweet that I found with that was screen-shotted and was like, “not a single comment about how the wife is doing, by the way.” Like…
KAYLA: Yeah, no.
SARAH: We know that she's on hormones doing whatever treatment, but like, that's the only information we know. Like how bad is it?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like is she mostly fine and just this is annoying or is she like about to kick the bucket?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay, this is another one about married couples
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: This is from r/DeadBedroom.
KAYLA: Dead bedroom?
SARAH: Yes. My 32, HLM, I didn't know what this meant, I looked it up, it means high-libido male.
KAYLA: Huh!
SARAH: So, 32, high-libido male, wife, 32, low-libido female, which is interesting and probably helpful to have those terms…
KAYLA: Yeah, I…
SARAH: As you’re thinking about… it's good that they're aware. Anyway, okay. So, she had her friend coming over for a girls’ weekend. I have really been feeling the strain from my lack of intimacy to me… from our lack of intimacy to me growing to… from her lack of intimacy towards me. Let me just correct your sentence here. Growing, the strain has been growing over the last few months and I responded by just picking up more and more responsibilities to channel my frustration. So last week I took care of everything, cleaned the entire house, the week's dishes, lawn mowed, fireplace swept, propane tanks filled, bed sheets laundered and changed, went shopping for food, did the laundry, et cetera. She basically did one chore for the week; cooking dinner once. I made her custom coffee three times and bought her favorite flowers, although I do that every few weeks. I helped her grandparents organize their house. Then when a friend came, I was a perfect host, drove them around, entertained them. After the friend left, my wife enthusiastically initiated sex for the first time in, I don't know, a year? More? I told my therapist about it thinking it was a success, then he asked how I felt, and really what I feel is even more sadness and frustration.
[00:20:00]
SARAH: The level of effort I gave was insane and unsustainable. I've given more to my relationship in general for years now, but I can't carry 100% of the weight for myself, us and my partner forever with nothing in return. I know the common advice is to reduce the mental and physical load and create space for intimacy. But if all of it has to be completely on me just to have good sex, that makes me feel even less confident in our relationship. If this is a level I have to operate at forever just to have a meaningful intimate life, I don't know how long I can sustain it. That's what women do, you were just cosplaying patriarchy and you're saying it's unsustainable. There are so many fucking women who carry the load and have to do all the chores. They work full-time, they have to do all the chores in the house.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And then the men are like… like, I saw a video on the internet recently where this man tried to go up and get cuddly with his wife while she was folding laundry. And she was like, no, like, I’m…
KAYLA: I'm busy.
SARAH: And he was like, but you always say, no, you're always busy. And she's like, yeah, because there's always shit to do. Like…
KAYLA: Yeah. Why don't you do anything?
SARAH: And like, he didn't understand. He thought that she was in the wrong somehow. But it's like, how are you contributing? Because if you're putting all the load of household chores and everything on one person, then yeah, it's unsustainable. And look, you’ve just experienced that for the first time in your life.
KAYLA: I'm just confused, like, have they talked about this?
SARAH: I doubt it.
KAYLA: Because… I don't know. Also, the mindset he's putting himself in of like, I have to do all this stuff to then earn it, like, it's transactional.
SARAH: This tweet that I found it from said, “I'm absolutely rolling that he did a week's worth of his wife's chores, was too tired to really enjoy sex, and still doesn't understand why he has a dead bedroom.” And then someone comments, “I simply cannot continue to keep these propane tanks filled, it's too much work.”
KAYLA: I just like… and he has a therapist, so it can't be like, we'll go to therapy.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: But to me, I'm like, are you… have you discussed this? Of like, hey, I'm sad that we don't have as much intimacy as we used to. Like, what did you expect to happen?
SARAH: I found the original post, once again, deleted, but the comments are still there. Top comment says, “yeah, I don't think it was the chores that got her in the mood, I think having fun did. She probably had a good time and was proud to be your wife because you were so great and making it a fun night. Who knows, maybe her friend said that you were amazing and she thought, yeah, he is amazing. Adulting and the grind, it just sucks for everyone. Finding ways to bring some fun and social life and playfulness really does make adding sex to that mix way easier.” And this person says, “100%, being relaxed mentally and feeling more grounded and less in my head is a massive piece of me wanting sex.” Because he took that load off of her for once.
KAYLA: Yeah, yeah.
SARAH: And this other comment says, “what you described just sounds like a normal amount of chores to run a household. Plenty of women are shouldering that exact amount of free labor.” And then someone says, “and plenty of women are burnt out and miserable and hate their partners because, like OP said, that level of effort is unsustainable.” Another comment, “agreed, recently divorced where I woke up and realized the majority of my resentment was allowing myself to people-please into burnt out monotony. This dynamic forms when one partner keeps taking and taking without giving. It sucks.”
KAYLA: I also just like… it makes me curious what their normal distribution of chores is, of like, well, perhaps if things were more equal, both of you would be happier.
SARAH: Yeah. And he's like, well, I got her flowers, even though I do that every few weeks anyway. It's like, well, do you think that's enough?
KAYLA: Because…
SARAH: It's clearly not.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And then the header of this post is, ‘at least I know what it takes now.’ To get her to have sex with you?
KAYLA: You see that’s so transactional to me. Because again, I don't… like, yeah, I think the point about it not being the chores physically, like, I think it's the mindset or like that, you know?
SARAH: Yeah. I think that's something that maybe aspecs don't consider as much or those who don't have sex just don't really think about.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Which is like, there is a lot more to a person having a sex life that for them is healthy beyond just being like, I want to have… I want or need to have sex this often. Like your mental state and like how you are doing impacts so much what you do or don't want.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I think so often straight men just fail to recognize that because they don't feel the strain and the pressure because the women in their lives are just taking care of it.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, obviously there's the physical aspect and whatever. We talk about like libido and feeling horny and whatever. But I do think like the mental is a huge part of it.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: Or just like other physical aspects; are you tired?
SARAH: Feeling comfortable with your partner.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And if she feels like she's been like carrying the load in this household for however long, she's not going to… like, she's going to feel like there's always more to do. She's going to feel on edge. But if you take that away and be like, here, I've done all these things. Then she's like, oh, wow, maybe he's not a dick.
KAYLA: Yeah, yeah.
SARAH: Here's… okay, I just went to r/DeadBedrooms. There's an interesting one from 13 hours ago.
KAYLA: Ooh, hot off the press.
SARAH: It says… this is just… it's under the category of Vent Advice Welcomed.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: I sometimes regret having kids.
KAYLA: Uh-oh
SARAH: Because it had such a big token on our sex life and that we were never able to cope because now the oldest one has problems and is taking so much energy, because they're now the reason number one I'm staying even though it's never going to get better. And I feel so guilty such ugly thoughts just because we haven't had sex in years. This is crazy. So, he's saying, okay, I'm sorry. So, you're saying… I'm assuming this is a man. So, you're saying… you didn't say, but I'm assuming. You're saying that the number one reason you're staying is because of your kids, which okay, okay
KAYLA: Great
SARAH: But even though it's never going to get better. Are you talking about your sex life?
KAYLA: I think so
SARAH: Your relationship in general?
KAYLA: Well, I think that's the thing, it is I think they're intertwining those two things very closely.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And here's where I struggle with things like this, it is like, I'm an aspec person and besides that, I would say I'm like a low-libido person.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: Vulnerable! So, like, to me, that is not like high on my priority list, right? If I'm looking at like what I need to make a relationship work, that's like not my number one on the list.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And so, I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that for some people that is.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: And I find it hard not to judge that, even though logically I do think that's like… I… you know, that's fair…
SARAH: You can understand on paper how that would make sense.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But it's hard to understand in your heart
KAYLA: Yeah, because it's so different. I mean, that's just like not where my values are. But I understand logically people value different things. And to someone, especially if they're like high-libido, that might be super, super important.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: But it's hard to be like, oh, well, why is that more important than, you know, x, y, z? I don't know, it's hard not to judge that.
SARAH: Yeah. This person says, 44 minutes ago, says, “start your hidden savings account and exit plan. I was doing that several years before our last child turned 18, but she got help with her hormones.” She, I'm assuming the wife and not the child. “And is much nicer to be around now. At its worst, sex about four to six times a year.” So, he's saying, start your hidden savings account and exit plan. But also, I did that and I didn't leave.
KAYLA: I just wish people talked to each other.
SARAH: Yeah. But like that's something that like sometimes I think about, but like not a lot… I don't think about it a lot because this is not my world.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But like, once you have kids, I imagine your sex life probably changes somewhat significantly.
KAYLA: I mean, it must.
SARAH: I was… I stumbled upon this this video on the Internet of this girl who was showing her Russian grandma's apartment, like a Soviet apartment.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And it was two rooms and she was like, okay, this room is like the living room now but it used to be where like my grandma and grandpa slept.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And then here's the bedroom, which is where her grandma like… was her caretaker for a while. So, she was like, that's where I slept. And I assume that's where like her… whichever parent belonged to this grandma and any other siblings slept.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And I was like, first of all, that's really cramped. And if her grandma was like a housewife, that's like a really small space and a tiny, tiny kitchen. It's like that's a really small space to be like stuck in.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But also, okay, if they had multiple kids…
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Were they just like fucking with the kids next door?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Like, I mean, these people have to be doing that. I understand that some kids do walk in on their parents having sex; and that sounds horrendous and it would make me want to die. But like, do they… do people… I mean, I guess some people I'm sure worry about this a lot. But do other people just not care?
KAYLA: About like their kids hearing?
[00:30:00]
SARAH: Yeah. What about in like the olden days when you had one cabin?
KAYLA: You go out to the field?
SARAH: I also saw a video recently, I saw it separately on three different social media platforms, the internet really wanted me to see it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Of this guy… this kid, it was a kid, who was Mongol. And he was like, here's our traditional hut thing, that I think they can travel with, so, like they can pack it all up.
KAYLA: Okay, yeah.
SARAH: And it was like, it reminded me of like a yurt, like a low ceiling yurt. And he was like, okay, this is the side where like the men stay. And like, this is the side where the women stay. And like, this is the kitchen area. And like, this is always facing west. And it was very interesting. But I was like, so the mom and the dad don't even sleep together normally.
KAYLA: I mean, I think you're thinking of this in a very like American 21st century way.
SARAH: I am. But is it like you go out and it's like now it's procreation time?
KAYLA: I mean, yeah, especially back in the day, like sex wasn't… especially for women, like for fun.
SARAH: Yeah, I know.
KAYLA: It was to have children so that you could have farmhands.
SARAH: But like, are you just doing that in the yurt?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: I mean, there are ways to do it more silently if you had a child next door.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know.
SARAH: Interesting. A mod commented, or the auto mod commented, “as a reminder, sending DMs to OP is explicitly against our subreddit rules.”
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: “Violators of this rule will be reported and users permanently banned from participating in the subreddit.” I wonder why that is.
KAYLA: People just being nasty.
SARAH: Yeah, but also like, what if you really do want to…
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Be like…
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Anyway. This is interesting, also on r/DeadBedroom. I just wanted to say goodbye and thank you. I joined Reddit to participate in the sub at the lowest years of my life. I deleted a lot of my old posts because I got embarrassed. But overall, I was a 24-year-old high-libido female, now 31-year-old high-libido female, was in a dead bedroom for six years until I left my ex-fiancé. Was 33, now 40. Oh, low-libido male. You were 24 dating a 33-year-old? Interesting. And completely restarted my life. I had sex maybe four to five times a year. Now it's at least once a day, unless we get the plague and that comes with having elementary children. Mm?!
KAYLA: Huh?!
SARAH: It feels like it was all about…
KAYLA: Where are you doing it?
SARAH: You have elementary school children and you're fucking at least once a day? Like, I guess if they're at school, but if you work from home?
KAYLA: Teach me. What?! Teach me your scheduling genius of how you're managing your life.
SARAH: What are you doing?! I'm now nine months into a healthy and loving relationship with someone who craves me as much as I do them and would jokingly tell each other, don't look at the lamp because life has been suspiciously good lately. I joined the sub as a grocery store cashier and am now a facility manager with a degree. I wish my 24-year-old self could see me now and I wish I could hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay. She really needed someone to tell her that. Thank you everyone for the support advice and sometimes even a laugh or two. An LLF, low-libido female, on here a few years ago even sent me a really dang good crock pot recipe, which was delicious by the way.
KAYLA: That's so funny.
SARAH: It's time I head out though. I stuck around because I've been dealing with unresolved resentment of the loss of my 20s to the dead bedroom. But you know what? Sex in my 30s is pretty freaking awesome. Maybe I should just focus on that and start leaving the past behind me. Thank you, guys, for helping me work through all my woes. I wish you all the love and frequency you need. That's sweet.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: At least once a day is crazy.
KAYLA: I mean, I'm just like in awe of these people being able to schedule their lives like that.
SARAH: Also, like as a woman, like, okay, sometimes you're on your period. So, you're just fucking every day on your period? You're not like, can I take a day off?
KAYLA: Some people don't care.
SARAH: I know, I know. But aren't you ever like… no, sex… I guess sex is always messy.
KAYLA: Well, it's also like, you don't know the type of sex.
SARAH: That’s true
KAYLA: It could be like her giving a blowjob or something. And that's the sex for the day, you know?
SARAH: I guess. Anyway, that's all. Um, let's stop.
KAYLA: Okay!
SARAH: What's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Um… um…
SARAH: Uh-huh?
KAYLA: Uh-huh?
SARAH: Uh-huh? You know, the… his wife getting cancer and him being like, oh, no, we're not fucking anymore. It really reminds me… what's that statistic of like how many men leave their wives when their wives get diagnosed with cancer?
KAYLA: Oh, I don't want to know.
SARAH: And then like… I'm actually going to look this up. Percent men leave their terminally-ill wives. Okay, there is a widely circulated statistic, it comes from a 2009 study. It claims that men leave terminally or seriously ill wives at a rate of about 20% to 21% compared to roughly 3% when it's the husband who's the patient.
KAYLA: Ugh, that's sad.
SARAH: Because men don't want to take care of… They're like, ugh. But then a woman is like, oh, in sickness and in health, yeah, that's what this is.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Okay. Uh, the poll is…
KAYLA: When do you have sex if you have kids? Explain
SARAH: Honestly and please explain. Give me… let me know.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Thank you. Kayla, what's your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: Okay. So, get a load of this shit.
SARAH: I'm ready.
KAYLA: Today I'm riding the bus home from work. And I'm sitting on… the way the bus is arranged, I'm basically sitting in a seat and there's like not a seat in front of me.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: Okay? I'm sitting on the bus, I have my little legs…
SARAH: Facing forward?
KAYLA: Yeah. I have my little legs crossed. And my backpack…
SARAH: What were your big legs doing?
KAYLA: Also crossed.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And my backpack is on my lap and I'm holding my phone, I think with both hands. And the bus comes to an abrupt stop and I face-plant onto the aisle of the bus. And to me, in my memory, I was falling for a really long time.
SARAH: Wait, okay. So, the bus is moving forward…
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Which way are you facing compared to that?
KAYLA: Forward.
SARAH: How do you fall into the aisle?
KAYLA: Because there's no one… okay, so the part of the bus I was on, on a Boston city bus, in the back of the bus… okay, at the front of the bus, the seats face each other
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: On the back of the bus, the seats face forward, except for two seats that are over the wheels of the bus, those face the middle.
SARAH: Uh-huh
KAYLA: So, I was behind the person facing the middle, there's only one chair. And so, I was sitting behind that person but they're like to your left if you're facing forward.
SARAH: Uh-huh
KAYLA: So, there's a person facing the middle, I'm facing the front. So, the only thing I could have done to catch myself is grab onto like a human stranger, a woman's full body.
SARAH: Uh-huh, I see
KAYLA: And I'm not going to do that.
SARAH: Right
KAYLA: But I have my legs crossed, I have no hands, my backpack is in my lap, I'm not going to grip onto someone because it's all just like weird people around me. So, I just face-planted into the aisle. And everyone was like, ah, ah, because I think my phone hit the ground and it made a loud noise…
SARAH: With a clatter.
KAYLA: People thought it was my skull. Like when I got up, people were like, oh my God, are you okay? And this lady was like, oh my God, it was your phone, like not your skull that made that noise. And then like the bus driver was calling back like, is she okay? Like, sorry. And I was like, I'm good. And then I said, sorry. I was like, yeah, I'm good. Sorry. Thank you. And then I was like, why I’m I apologizing? You're the one that came to this abrupt stop. Like, stop slower.
SARAH: You should have used the seatbelt that's definitely provided.
KAYLA: It's not, it's just not, it’s just obviously not. So that was cool. That's my beef. My juice is... I'm seeing the Elizabeth Holmes documentary on Friday and I'm excited.
SARAH: Looks at you intensely; that's my Elizabeth Holmes impression.
KAYLA: One of my coworkers watched the trailer because I was like, oh, I'm going to see it. And he was like, oh, I don't know that much about it. So, I sat there with him while he watched the trailer and was like, her eyes are so fucking scary.
SARAH: They’re crazy
KAYLA: And he was like, I think she has nice eyes. And I was like, well, yeah, the color is nice.
SARAH: Yeah, the way she uses them.
KAYLA: He’s like, yeah, but there is some stuff in there. I was like, yeah, some weird shit going on in there.
SARAH: Yay. I have a gravy. So last night, I failed to take my nighttime medication…
KAYLA: Uh-oh
SARAH: Because I got home… I was going to go to the gym, but then I was like tired. But I think it was just like sleep deprivation tired, not like weird fatigue tired. So, I was like, I'm going to go home, I'm just going to take a little nap. And I set some alarms, to no one's shock or surprise, they did not work.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, I fell asleep at about eight and I woke up at 5 A.M.
KAYLA: Oh, uh-oh.
SARAH: And so, I did not take my nighttime meds, because by the time I would have taken them… first of all, I would have had to eat first, because otherwise I would have thrown up.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Because my nighttime meds, I have to eat before I take. And then I would have taken my next dose, what? Like maybe three hours later. That's not how that works.
KAYLA: Not so much.
[00:40:00]
SARAH: So, I wake up, I have hives.
KAYLA: Yaaaaayyy!
SARAH: And I say, ugh, I didn't miss this, because when I missed my nighttime medications, I missed my magic hive medication. But I'm like, okay, I'm going to go properly to bed now, I'll take my morning dose in the morning. So, I go to sleep for a couple more hours. I wake up. I am covered in hives.
KAYLA: Oh, no!
SARAH: Like arms, legs, stomach, neck, back.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: The hives are gone, but I think I was scratching at my neck in my sleep and so there's like red spots.
KAYLA: Yeah, I see it.
SARAH: On my neck. I had a lot of hives. I can show you some pictures if you'd like.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: So, I said, wow, I mean, I already knew that my magic hives medication worked, but thanks for the confirmation.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And then I took my medication today, this morning, and by midday, the hives were gone.
KAYLA: That's wild. Good medicine.
SARAH: The other day, I had some hives on my hands because Addie decided to bite them a bunch.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: And they were annoying, but like they went away so much faster than they would have normally.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: Because of my magic hives med.
KAYLA: What a medicine.
SARAH: So that's my gravy, because my beef is that I got so many hives this morning, but my juice is that they went away when I took my medication.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: There you go.
KAYLA: Are you off all of your other hive medications?
SARAH: No, I'm still on all of them.
KAYLA: Oh, great.
SARAH: So, they didn't help in this scenario. I have an appointment in a couple of weeks, and I'm hoping they're going to start taking me off of them.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But I'm supposed to still take them for now.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Also, I went to a Bachelorette Party last weekend in Joshua Tree, that was fun.
KAYLA: And it was not as good as mine.
SARAH: It wasn't as good as Kayla's.
KAYLA: I won!
SARAH: Kayla won. There were some golden retrievers though. There were 13 golden retrievers that I got to pet.
KAYLA: That is nice.
SARAH: Yep, that's it. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, what happens when you miss a dose of your medication… Wait, I have another beef
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: Which is that the last time I saw my psychiatrist, it was a nurse practitioner who was new, who I had never seen before. And she only sent two of my prescriptions in; I have three prescriptions. But I didn't realize this until Sunday…
KAYLA: Uh-oh
SARAH: When I was doing my meds for the week and I was like, wait, I'm out of one of my medications. I have so many medications and they don't align with each other ever. In my head, I cannot keep track of what is going to be out and what isn't.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And so last week, I didn't flag it because I was like, oh, I assume I have another bottle. Because this is a medication that… it's not like an Adderall situation where I'm just like running out of it.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But then on Sunday, I realized, oh no, I'm out. Like I had enough to get me through yesterday morning.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And so, I was like, okay… So, on Monday morning, I call my doctor and I say, hi, I think there was a miscommunication, she didn't send one of my prescriptions. Can she send it? She was like, yeah, I'll talk to her. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Tuesday, I get a call. Hey, I spoke to the nurse practitioner. She said that you said that you don't take that medication anymore.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: So, she can't re-prescribe it. And I said, what?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I was like, there is some chance that I may have mistakenly told her that I didn't need it filled right now…
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Because my Adderall and my other prescriptions are on different cycles. So sometimes I need my other prescriptions filled when I see them and sometimes I don't. So, I may have thought that I didn't need it and I don't remember. But either way, I did not tell her that I don't take this medication anymore.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And she was like, yeah, so she can't prescribe it, you're going to have to make another appointment.
KAYLA: No!
SARAH: And I said, okay, when can... And she was like, there's one tomorrow at 4:15. So, I talked to her today at 4:15 and she was like, yeah, you just need to let me know all of the medications that you're taking. And I was like, I know, I never told you that I stopped taking it…
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: Those words never left my mouth…
KAYLA: Oh, no.
SARAH: The other practitioners at this practice, I have said to them, hey, I don't need it right now. And they have all understood me.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I don't know what your deal is. But then she was like, yeah, I'll send it in. And I was like, to the CVS? Because I don't trust these bitches to send it to the right place because I have multiple pharmacies. And she was like, yeah. But did it get sent in today? No.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I'm out.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: It’s my anxiety medication and I'm out of it.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: Also, I told them to just refill the next 30 of my Adderall but then she sent in the next 10 instead. So, then I just picked up the 10 but now I'm going to have to go back to get the next 30. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your thoughts on Lil Nas X, I believe, is making a comeback.
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: He's returned to the land of the living. Good for him. On our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you'd like to support us there… My other juice is that my prescriptions…
KAYLA: No, I have to go to bed
SARAH: My prescriptions all got cheaper.
KAYLA: Oh God!
SARAH: And I think it's because I hit some maximum. Or like with my new magic medication, they like negotiated something because now my medications are all cheaper. Anyway, our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Rebekah Monnin, Rick Turpin, SammyO, Scott Ainslie, and Simon. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Kayla's Dad, who would like to promote JandiCreations.com. Maff, who would like to promote the Don't Should sweatshirt. Martin Chiesl, who would like to promote his podcast, Everyone’s Special and No One Is. Purple Hayes, who would like to promote the musician Vinther. And Quartertone, who would like to promote World Central Kitchen & Doctors Without Borders. Our other $10 patrons are Barefoot Backpacker, SongOStorm, Alastor, Ani, Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Clare Olsen, Danielle Hutchinson, Derick & Carissa, Elle Bitter, Eric and Johanna. Our $15 patrons are Kayla's aunt Nina, who would like to promote katemaggartart.com. And Schnell, who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. Our $20 patrons are Dr. Jacki and River, who would like to promote taking your meds. Tune in next...nope, thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]