Ep 346: Reddit Rabbit Hole (AITA) pt. 17
SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I'm Sarah, that's me.)
KAYLA: And a bi demisexual girl (That's me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, ‘Reddit.’
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: Oh, she's yawning.
KAYLA: You caught me in the yawn. Sorry, everyone.
SARAH: Oh, not the yawn.
KAYLA: Did you yawn? Did y'all yawn?
SARAH: I didn't.
KAYLA: Did I make anyone yawn? She has no soul.
SARAH: Now I'm like... Don't do it. Don't do it.
KAYLA: Yawn. Yawn.
SARAH: Don't do it.
KAYLA: Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. There's no empathy.
SARAH: Uh, sure. Kayla, we do have a housekeeping this week.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Tell us more.
KAYLA: Okay, my first cow...
SARAH: Cow?
KAYLA: My first cow. My first housekeeping is that a lovely listener named Natalie B. sent me the most gorgeous buttons in the mail, and so I wanted to say thank you. They're from her button collection from when she was in elementary and middle school, and she was like, “I needed a new home,” and I'm like, “thank you so much.”
SARAH: Oh my God, slay.
KAYLA: So sweet. So now they live in the jar that all of my other listeners submitted buttons live in.
SARAH: The jar.
KAYLA: The jar. So thank you so much. That's our exciting housekeeping. Our less exciting housekeeping is that next week we're taking a mini vacay-sh.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Next week we will be gone. Less a vacation, more a, I will be working one trillion hours next week, and I just can't do it.
SARAH: I texted Kayla today the word, “what” Which is how we ask each other what we're talking about this week, and she said “ugh,” and then two minutes later she said, “can we do AITA?” And then she said, “also, what if we skip next week?” And I said, “we'd love nothing more.” And that's how we make our decisions.
KAYLA: Yeah. It's just that we usually record this on Wednesday nights, and Wednesday of next week, and Thursday of next week are big days for me at work, where I'll be working…
SARAH: So many.
KAYLA: So many hours. On Thursday I have to get to work at like 6 a.m. and we usually record this till like midnight, so I don't really…
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You know? Unfortunately, y'all don't pay me enough to be here, so.
SARAH: If you don't want us to skip weeks, you gotta pay us more.
KAYLA: Yeah. So…
SARAH: We don't have a Venmo.
KAYLA: We have a Paypal.
SARAH: We have a Paypal. Anyway.
KAYLA: Paypal us. Just kidding. Don't do that. We'll be back. Just one week.
SARAH: We'll be gone next week.We'll be back after that. We will have summer break in July. This is not that. This is bonus break for the class.
KAYLA: Yeah. Just to make you miss us a little bit.
SARAH: Great. So, Kayla.
KAYLA: Asshole.
SARAH: Yeah, I kind of spoiled it by reading your text. Also, we do say at the beginning of the episode what it is.
KAYLA: So every time you're like, “what are we talking about?” It's like, “I just said that.”
SARAH: “I just said that.”
KAYLA: “Were you listening? I just said that.”
SARAH: I can't believe you're not flagging this horrible discrepancy to me until episode three hundred and forty-six of our podcast.
KAYLA: I didn't want to embarrass you.
SARAH: And now you're doing it live on the podcast.
KAYLA: Forced my hand.
SARAH: Okay, so we're talking about AITAs. Last week, we did a little sampler. One AITA.
KAYLA: Yes, it's true.
SARAH: And now we give you more AITA.
KAYLA: Yeah. And y'all had some very good points about the lizard gender reveal from last week.
SARAH: Tell me more.
KAYLA: Which I don't think either of us said this, but the mom was so pissed about the gender reveal for a lizard. And she was like, well, the lizard, like, it's not even going to enjoy the party as if a fucking baby is enjoying the gender reveal party for itself. It's not even there yet.
SARAH: It's not even there yet.
KAYLA: The lizard at least got to go to the party.
SARAH: You could say like, oh, well, the gender reveal is for the parents. So is the fucking lizard gender reveal.
KAYLA: Right. Exactly.
SARAH: It's for OP.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So I thought that was a very good point. Just like the mom being like, “well, it's not even a party for the lizard.” At least the lizard was there. The unborn child is not.
SARAH: Also, if you give a lizard some treats, I don't know what's a treat to a lizard, a bug maybe.
KAYLA: Yeah, probably.
SARAH: If you give them some bugs that they enjoy, then yeah, they're having a good time at their gender reveal party.
KAYLA: When you give a lizard a cookie.
SARAH: When you give a lizard a cricket.
KAYLA: Exactly.
SARAH: Great points, everyone.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: All right. This week, I told Kayla earlier, I started a new AITA note on my phone because the old one was getting too chaotic.
KAYLA: A little out of hand.
SARAH: So I still have the old one in case we fly through these. I don't think we will.
KAYLA: We typically do not do anything.
SARAH: We're just going to go in order. Okay?
KAYLA: Mm hmm.
SARAH: My sister sent me this. No, she didn't.
KAYLA: Oh, so you're a liar?
SARAH: My sister sent me the one I did last week. Not this one.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's true.
SARAH: Um, this one I found on Twitter.
KAYLA: Mm hmm.
SARAH: Am I the asshole for quote, training a guy, quote, like a dog? Unquote.
KAYLA: No, I hate men. People don't like when I say that, by the way, the listeners, they complain, the way we discuss men
SARAH: Well, be better.
KAYLA: By they, I mean like maybe one or two people.
SARAH: Be better.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Kayla is marrying a man, therefore. It's like when people are like, I have black friends.
KAYLA: Yeah, exactly. I'm marrying a man, so I am allowed to hate them. Dean supports my hate of men too.
SARAH: And you're marrying a cishet man.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: That's the worst kind.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You're so brave.
KAYLA: I really am. Aren't I?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Anyway, back to the AITA. Why is the word choke trending? Oh, it's related to sports. Okay. Somebody must have choked somebody.
KAYLA: Oh, you know what it was? Is it trending like right now?
SARAH: Yeah. I see. I just watched a video of it. Okay.
KAYLA: This has been sports.
SARAH: This has been NBA.
KAYLA: This has been several days old sports by the time you're listening to this.
SARAH: By the time you're hearing it. Okay. Am I the asshole for training a guy like a dog?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I, 23 female, have recently started seeing this guy, 26 male.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: The way she describes this person, he's super pretty, but he's kind of emotionally unavailable, and he's alluded to an unstable slash unhealthy childhood.
KAYLA: I can see him perfectly.
SARAH: It's funny that the description is just pretty. I'm reading a book right now, kind of for work, but also because I wanted to read it where there's a character named Pretty Baby.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: And it's a man and he has-
KAYLA: Is this the book with the incest? Is this where the incest is coming from?
SARAH: Oh, no. This has nothing to do with the incest.
KAYLA: Okay. Sarah texted me about incest the other day.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And usually like historically of the two of us, if either of us is going to be like, “yeah, incest, cool.” Like it's me.
SARAH: Yeah. I won't give much context because I can't because it's big spoilers.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But we're trying to make a project happen and the writer was explaining in detail, the writer has the whole thing like planned out for five seasons. Like he knows everything.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: And he was explaining like the arc.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: And there are multiple incest except…
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: I can't explain further, but…
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: But one of the people in the meeting was like, “I don't know about the incest.” And I texted my coworker and I said, “I'm sorry, I can't believe I'm saying this, but we have to keep the incest.” The incest is good.
KAYLA: And if you're saying that, then like, if you're saying that, then it must be true.
SARAH: The incest is thematic.
KAYLA: I love that.
SARAH: Anyway. No, but in this book, this guy is named Pretty Baby and he has a tattoo on his cheek that says “Pretty Baby.”
KAYLA: Oh, I do kind of like that.
SARAH: And he has pink hair.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: And he's in a criminal combine.
KAYLA: It reminds me of Machine Gun Kelly.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Anyway, the book is ‘The Last King of California’ by Jordan Harper.
KAYLA: Never heard of it.
SARAH: It is pretty good so far.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: We're deciding if we want to try and adapt it. So no one get to it first. Thanks.
KAYLA: Okay. You've ruined my summer plans.
SARAH: Anyway, so he's pretty but emotionally unavailable.
KAYLA: Great.
SARAH: This is where it gets silly. For context, I also work with socializing abused and neglected dogs at a local shelter. And I think how much time I spend with the dogs is impacting the way I interact with people.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: When we were on a date, I started subconsciously making mental notes about him like the notes I'd make about a dog. For example, I noticed when we went out to dinner, I noticed he ate really quickly and was very anti-sharing, parenthesis, resource guarding.
KAYLA: My God.
SARAH: But when I offered to pay and suggested dessert, it seemed to make him happy and a little calmer, parenthesis, food motivated.
[00:10:00]
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: He's really particular about his car, parenthesis, territorial slash aggression. He likes when I pick where we go, what we do, parenthesis, eager to please, et cetera. So I've started using the tactics I'd use on a dog with similar problems. Recently, a friend, 22 female, pointed out that it's weird that I keep peanut M&Ms on me with this specific purpose of offering the guy one when I see him and offering them again whenever I can tell he feels vulnerable. She said that I'm being an asshole because he's a person, not a dog. So I shouldn't be training him like one. I don't think that's fair. I'm not trying to control him or anything. I just want him to feel comfortable with me the same way I need the animals I'm helping to be comfortable with me. Humans and animals aren't that different after all. We just want to feel safe and cared for. The guy hasn't noticed yet, as far as I can tell. The problem is my technique is yielding really positive results. Am I the asshole? Should I stop? I love how it just escalates to peanut M&Ms with no warning.
KAYLA: Yeah, that really…
SARAH: How has this guy not noticed that any time that he's being vulnerable, she just hands him a peanut M&M?
KAYLA: Hands him a peanut M&M. Yeah, because at first I was like, oh, you're just reading people. It seems like you have a good understanding of just picking up on cues, whether it's a dog or a person. But then, yeah, the peanut M&Ms. It reminds me of, there's an episode, sorry to do this, sorry to be cringe, but there's an episode of The Office where Jim Pavlov's Dwight, he makes his computer make a sound and then offers Dwight a mint and then he ends up, every time the sound happens, he's expecting a mint, whatever.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So now this guy, I wonder if she stopped doing it, if he would get vulnerable and sad and then not receive a peanut M&M and then be like, “where's my peanut M&M?”
SARAH: Yeah, that's a good question. I'm looking in the replies on Twitter, God forbid a woman has hobbies.
KAYLA: Right, exactly.
SARAH: And then this person said, holy shit, I would love if my wife carried peanut M&Ms to toss one at me whenever she senses I'm sad or distressed.
KAYLA: I'm trying to think of how I would react truthfully if I found out Dean was doing this to me.
SARAH: I feel like you might be a little taken aback, like, oh, you're training me like a dog.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But then if you think about if it is having a positive income, income? Outcome.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: If you're getting paid for it, if it's having a positive outcome, I mean, what harm? Unless they feel that they've been exploited for their emotional vulnerability. But like it's a peanut M&M, man.
KAYLA: It's hard because it's like, yeah, she's not like trying to make him do anything or exploit him. She's just trying to make him comfortable.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: She's just going about it in a way that's like a bit strange.
SARAH: But it makes sense given what she does.
KAYLA: Right. Part of me was like, oh, maybe she should like disclose to him like, by the way, like, I've noticed these things about you. So I like have been doing this.
SARAH: Imagine he craves a peanut M&M and he's like, “what can I say to be emotionally vulnerable?”
KAYLA: But I'm like, people employ a lot of different tactics, conscious or not, to make other people feel more comfortable. Right?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: And you don't disclose that to other people. Like, hey, by the way, when you get sad, I do this and I notice it works. Like, I'm not telling, you know.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: I'm like, do you need to disclose that?
SARAH: What do you do to train me like a dog?
KAYLA: Oh, I think I've given up on that. Long ago.
SARAH: Can't teach an old dog new tricks.
KAYLA: Yeah. What do I do to train you? I'm sure when we lived together, there was actually probably things I did to like, try to like, I don't know.
SARAH: I mean, you were a psych major, man. Who knows what you were?
KAYLA: Who knows what I was doing? But I mean, it's like anything, you know, like, just from knowing, like, if you were upset or like, I needed to like, try to motivate you to do something like, I do know what to do and what not to do.
SARAH: I can tell you what not to do. I don't know what to do.
KAYLA: Yeah, I guess I don't really either. Maybe that's the problem.
SARAH: That's the problem. No one knows what to do to motivate me to do things, including myself.
KAYLA: But I don't need to like, tell you, you know, I don't need to be like, okay, here's what I did last week when I was trying to motivate you to do something.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know.
SARAH: I think it's also like, you don't want to show your hand either. It's like, if someone is late all the time until you start telling them to show up 15 minutes early.
KAYLA: Yeah, you can't.
SARAH: You can't tell them you're doing that, because then they will know that they're not needed until 15 minutes after the time.
KAYLA: I think that if you stay together long enough that this becomes like a very stable, comfortable relationship where he like is feeling safe and comfortable with you.
SARAH: Like doesn't need a peanut M&M.
KAYLA: And doesn't need a peanut M&M. I think this is like a years down the line you could be like…
SARAH: It's like a funny little thing.
KAYLA: This is like a wedding story, I feel.
SARAH: Yeah, I agree. I agree.
KAYLA: When you're like in a place of safety and trust.
SARAH: Yep. All right. We have a couple wedding ones.
KAYLA: Oh my God. Speaking of.
SARAH: I'm going to a wedding next month.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: All right. Am I the asshole for retaking bridesmaid photos without one particular bridesmaid?
KAYLA: Probably not.
SARAH: Okay. So I'm using a throwaway just to be extra safe. They always tell you that.
KAYLA: I know they do. I wouldn't say that, because then that, you know.
SARAH: But I guess people might be like, oh, well, why did you just make this brand new account?
KAYLA: Oh, yeah. I guess.
SARAH: But then if someone makes a brand new account, I would assume it's for throwaway account purposes, you know?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: I, 23 female, got married two weeks ago to my 24 male young.
KAYLA: Excuse me? A child bride?
SARAH: For some reason, I was thinking about this on my drive home. My parents were 23 and 22 when they got married.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think my parents were around that age too. Disgusting.
SARAH: They're fine. It was really brave of them to do that, because famously no one likes you when you're 23.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: My mom really gamed the system. She got married like two weeks before she turned 23.
KAYLA: Smart.
SARAH: So she was still feeling 22, you know?
KAYLA: That's just so wild.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That's so wild.
SARAH: I'm 27 years old, and I am both ancient and a child.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: At same time.
KAYLA: And I'm 28, so who knows what that is about.
SARAH: You got a whole year on me.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: That's how math works. All right. Got married two weeks ago, and it was great. I had five bridesmaids plus my maid of honor, but I'll just refer to all of them as bridesmaids. Between the ceremony and the reception, we took photos, as you do. The problem started when it was time to take photos with my bridesmaids. One of my bridesmaids, 23 female, who I've been friends with since college, so for like four years.
KAYLA: Yeah, maybe.
SARAH: Maybe. Possibly two.
KAYLA: Yeah. True.
SARAH: Possibly one is super tall and has a muscular build.
KAYLA: Okay. Well.
SARAH: I'll call her N. N really stands out next to me and my other bridesmaids.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: She was also wearing a patterned dress when I specifically asked all my bridesmaids to wear solid colors. They got to pick their own dresses and just had to match the color I picked ahead of time. So between the dress and her build, N really stood out in the photos and was throwing them all off. After the first round of pictures, we gathered around the photographer to see what we had so far, and I swear everyone had the same thought simultaneously. Of course, nobody said anything because she's our friend and they wouldn't want to be rude. I would have just sucked it up, but N herself turned to me and said, I understand if you want to take some without me. She didn't seem sad or anything, and she took me. And she was even laughing a little, so I told her I thought that was a good idea, and me and my other bridesmaids retook the photos without her. Fast forward to about an hour into the reception, N finds me and congratulates me and says something came up and she needs to leave early, so we say goodbye and that's it. So now it has been two weeks since my wedding and I haven't heard from N at all, but that's not strange since I've hardly heard from anyone since they know I'm on my honeymoon lol. The photographer sent me the finished photos yesterday and I posted my favorites on Facebook. I didn't include any with N since I was only posting like 30 of the absolute best ones. Only 30.
KAYLA: Only 30.
SARAH: Pretty quickly after posting them, N messaged me saying how hurt she was that I didn't post any with her in them and that I took photos without her in the first place. I apologized of course and told her I would post the rest of the photos in a few days. I also reminded her that she was the one who suggested I take some without her. She called me a narcissist and selfish and now she's not responding to me at all. I'm so confused since she literally told me I could retake them without her. I also don't think it's such a crime for me to want my wedding photos to be perfect. My husband also agrees with me. However, I can tell she's really hurt and she's not the type to get worked up like this over nothing. Am I the asshole?
KAYLA: Well.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah. The dress thing? I like, I get that.
SARAH: But you know what? That's a funny thing, you're 10 years down the line to be like, remember when you wore a dress that I told you you shouldn't?
KAYLA: That's also something that like, pretty sure someone could edit that and fix it.
SARAH: That was my next thought was-
KAYLA: I think we could fix that an post.
SARAH: If the dress itself is really that upsetting. Fix it and post.
[00:20:00]
KAYLA: I'm pretty sure that's like not…
SARAH: Change it to a solid dress.
KAYLA: Yeah. Like a professional photographer. I think that's maybe a little bit extra money.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I think that's something we can achieve.
SARAH: Yeah. It can be done.
KAYLA: To keep your friend in your photo. I would have been much more sympathetic if we had not started with her having a large build.
SARAH: Yeah. She's tall.
KAYLA: That’s insane.
SARAH: She's tall and has a muscular build.
KAYLA: If that was gonna be a real issue for you, then we needed to not invite her to be one of your bridesmaids. If that's like really something that's gonna fuck you up.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Which it shouldn't.
SARAH: I'm wondering if OP has trouble reading social cues or if you're just that stupid and dense. Because I… When N was like, oh, I understand if you want to take some without me. I don't think that was actually meant. The correct response to that is, oh no, of course we want you in them. You're in my wedding party.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Or the response is, maybe we'll take a couple, but then we'll bring you back in and take more with you.
KAYLA: Yeah. Retake all of them.
SARAH: Not do the rest of them without this person.
KAYLA: Yeah. Because I can… I don't know. She didn't say anything was said, but she was like, oh, we all thought the same thing at the exact time. So clearly there was a vibe.
SARAH: Yeah. There's a vibe. But who knows if everyone interpreted that vibe to mean the same thing.
KAYLA: Right. But yeah, I would be interested to know what the tone was. If she was just saying that to try to be polite and nice, just hoping the answer would be like, no. And then…
SARAH: And that's also just like, even if you offer that genuinely, if someone takes you up on it, even if it was offered genuinely, it's still upsetting.
KAYLA: It still sucks.
SARAH: For them to take you up on that. And then for them to not take any more photos with you.
KAYLA: Yeah. And post at least one
SARAH: Right. I was only posting 30 of the best ones. You can post one fucking photo with all of your bridesmaids in it.
KAYLA: Also you're telling me that you didn't, like, I don't know, maybe I'm fucking stupid, but like the bridal parties that I've been in, the bride took an individual picture with each bridesmaid also to be like, because it's like, that's my fucking friend.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: So I want like an individual picture.
SARAH: I want a nice picture with them.
KAYLA: With each person.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So you couldn't post that one? Did that one exist? Too muscly for your individual picture?
SARAH: Also, sorry. Did we not run our dresses by the bride before the…
KAYLA: That was also my question. Like having…
SARAH: I feel like that's standard.
KAYLA: Having different dresses. Yeah. Like when I was in my sister's wedding, actually both weddings I've been in, it was like, okay, here's where to order from. Here's the fabric and the color. You can like choose the cut. But I was still like, this is the one I chose, right? Any issues with the cut?
SARAH: Exactly. Especially because like for my sister's wedding, we all sent which one we wanted to get so that we didn't have like more than one person buying the same one or like if we did have more than one person buying the same one, they were both going to be okay with it.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And so like we were very forthcoming… and also we wanted to see what the other bridal party members were wearing.
KAYLA: Yeah. It's very confusing to me that there was no checking. I feel like that's very normal to be like, we all good? I'm going to buy this like not cheap dress. Like chill.
SARAH: Yeah. Also, okay. So they got to pick their own dresses and just had to match the color I picked ahead of time. Now, OP says they specifically asked all my bridesmaids to wear solid colors, but did you specifically say solid colors only or did you say this color?
KAYLA: That's a great question.
SARAH: Because it seems like, N was wearing the right color. Also how much leeway do we have on the color? Like how, you know, how stricter we be, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I feel like in that situation, again, because you're saying this color, but you can pick your own dress. That's all the more reason why you would want to see everyone's dresses to make sure, like if you have to say to one of them, I'm sorry, I think that's going to look bad with the other ones. Like that sucks, but that's a easier confrontation to have.
KAYLA: Yeah. Because like you're clearly, you're not too hesitant to like tell people you need something changed to make your things perfect or whatever.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So why was this not something you were worried about before? If you're so worried about your pictures.
SARAH: Yeah. This is marked as asshole poo mode.
KAYLA: Pooh mode? What's that?
SARAH: I don't know, but asshole poo mode.
KAYLA: Just like an extra.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Maybe that means that they're like actively being an asshole, even in the post, like they're pooing. Like you're so the asshole that even in your writing, you're being an asshole.
SARAH: Maybe. This person goes, easiest, you're the asshole here today. Damn, you are a rather shitty friend. You really told her that her build doesn't match your aesthetic. I hope the pictures and the irrelevant likes on social media are worth the friendship you have just killed.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. This person says she saw how she stood out and probably suggested taking some pics without her to make an excuse and lighten the mood. OP did say that she was like, kind of like laughing.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Such comments should always be met with a, of course we're not, you're part of my wedding comment. Not actually taking new pictures without her and then showing her these are the ones you prefer.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Deep down, I don't believe this is about your bridesmaid turning up in a clashing dress. It's about her body build and height standing out.
KAYLA: Yeah. 100%. Which then again, why, if you're going to be such a fucking bitch about it, why did you invite her to be your bridesmaid?
SARAH: Yeah. Although this person goes, so now it's been two weeks since my wedding and I haven't heard from it at all, but that's not strange since I've hardly heard from anyone since, you know, I'm on a honeymoon. If this post is real, I suspect this is why this is why you haven't heard from people after your wedding.
KAYLA: Tea
SARAH: But also like, what do you mean you haven't heard from… like, even if they know you're on your honeymoon.
KAYLA: Yeah. Like nothing?
SARAH: Nothing?
KAYLA: Like a, hey.
SARAH: Like no one's sending you a meme?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Huh?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: All right. There's that.
KAYLA: I hated it. Thanks.
SARAH: Oh, this person interestingly says, whenever I read a post where OP is so egregiously wrong, I imagine it was actually posted by the wronged party. Like pretending to be the person that wronged them for them to be validated and how upset they feel. That's interesting.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Also just like the dress thing could be a legit reason to feel the photos would be off, but tall and muscular, what was the point of adding that?
KAYLA: Yeah. No. You lost me immediately.
SARAH: Yeah. All right. Another wedding one. Am I the asshole for missing my friend's wedding?
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: Need more detail but I'm worried.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, we're here, so I'm worried.
SARAH: Right. I, 41 male, have a good friend, 42 female, I made through work. We've been friends for almost a decade, meet up for coffee and food every now and then. Not a single hint of anything more than friendship from either side, and we're both in long-term relationships. I was originally asked a couple of years ago to be part of the wedding party, but I respectfully declined as I'm autistic and get anxious in large groups. Probably also nervous. You know?
KAYLA: Probably.
SARAH: Being part of the proceedings would be too much for me.
KAYLA: Fair.
SARAH: Anyway, the wedding is on Saturday. A few days ago, I sent her a message, which I've quoted below, quote, hey, I hope you're okay and things are settling down. I've been thinking a lot about your big day coming up. This is really hard for me to say, but I don't think I'll be able to attend. The truth is I'm massively burnt out and overwhelmed. This new job is becoming mega stressful and I'm working 10-hour days and sometimes not even getting a full break. The prospect of socializing with people is filling me with panic and anxiety. I think my autistic ass was just ready to crawl into a hole and hibernate for a few months. I well and truly hit a brick wall. Sorry not to interject in the middle of this, but not only is this person using British English spellings, but the fact that they're saying that a 10-hour work day is like extreme, I'm like, not an American.
KAYLA: Yeah, I'm trying to think.
SARAH: Not an American.
KAYLA: How many?
SARAH: Not American. Not Japanese.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, it's like not great for anyone, obviously. We shouldn't, humans shouldn't have to be doing that, but yeah, not like unheard of.
SARAH: My work day is about 10 hours.
KAYLA: Mine is…
SARAH: Officially nine, but…
KAYLA: Yeah. Mine is not, but I am blessed to be in a union, so.
SARAH: Yeah. Some of us aren't in unions.
KAYLA: Yeah. I love my union.
SARAH: Or like 10-hour days on film sets are normal.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: That's a normal day. Anyway, continue with the text that OP sent. I've been trying to think how best to explain this to you and I hope you understand this isn't a reflection on you or how much I care. I'm genuinely gutted to miss such an important moment in your life. I hope you understand that I'm doing what I need to in order to look after myself and I'll be cheering you both on from afar. Although we haven't spoken as often recently with all the madness of life, I think about you guys often and really want you to have a great day. If I was to attend with how I'm feeling now, I think I'd have a full on meltdown with lots of people around, music and all that stuff. I'd love to catch up with you when things are calmer and buy you guys dinner as both an apology and my gift to you both. I’d love to hear about the day then when I'm not likely to just collapse with an anxiety attack.
[00:30:00]
SARAH: I'm really sorry and I hope you understand. I proper feel like I'm letting you down, British, but I think I'd let you down more if I turn up and bring everyone down. I hope you're not angry or upset. We haven't worked together for a while and I'm in new employment in a very stressful job. I feel like I'm an asshole for missing this, but I feel a bigger asshole for going and ruining it. Am I the asshole? Edit, I had previously stated that I would attend. Also as lots of people mentioning it, there's no formal dinner, seating charts or any of that. It's a wedding ceremony and then a reception with casual food, pop-up food truck and such. It's in the UK. Who was right? Me. I can always guess where you are.
KAYLA: She can always tell the location. She knows.
SARAH: It's in the UK, not the US. Some of these traditions are different. I should have specified that. My non-attendance would not have had a financial impact.
KAYLA: Oh, okay. I don't think you're the asshole. I would be interested to hear how the friend reacted, but that was a very nice, well-crafted text. You offered explanations. You offered what you would do to try to make up for it.
SARAH: I think the edit that it does not have a financial impact makes a big difference
KAYLA: Yeah, that’s true
SARAH: Because looking at a lot of these comments, it's like they paid for your plate. A lot of times that's like $70, $90 a person
KAYLA: Yeah, that is true
SARAH: That they are paying for you to eat at their wedding.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And so if you say you're going and then you don't, that is money flushed on the toilet because they don't get that back.
KAYLA: Yeah, it is true.
SARAH: I kind of think OP is an asshole.
KAYLA: Interesting. Is this the first time we've ever disagreed?
SARAH: I think it's well-explained. This person clearly feels bad. I guess I need to know more details about the severity of what OP thinks their reaction is going to be if they attend this wedding. Because in my mind, it's like you have to do hard things for the people you love. And if that means showing up to a wedding, staying for an hour and leaving, it's symbolic. It's a symbolic thing for you to go and for you to be there and for you to say a week in advance like, oh, I'm just really burnt out and really stressed out right now. I can't go. First of all, I think going and spending time with people that you love and care about might actually help with that. I understand the anxiety of being around a lot of people, many of whom you don't know, and I understand that that can contribute to whatever. But for me personally, I think I would probably feel better after actually going to the wedding than missing it. That's just me. But I just think this person is giving up before it has even happened.
KAYLA: I do think the compromise idea of just going for the ceremony, maybe you can sit in the back and then just leave and not go to any of the reception stuff, though. I just don't know, obviously we don't know the severity of this person's autism, but that can be a very serious situation of the issue with crowds.
SARAH: It can. Yeah, I wish I had a better grasp on this person's experience with autism and with anxiety of being in a situation.
KAYLA: Because depending on their anxiety and their autism and triggers and stuff like that, that could be very serious and they could have a full meltdown and it be a very public spectacle, you know?
SARAH: Yeah. Yeah. A lot of the people saying like, you're the asshole, but a lot of them are noting the money thing, which then OP said is actually not a thing.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: The person goes, you're the asshole. RSVPing and then saying you're not going right before isn't cool. Is this wedding like meshed with a marathon or something? Show up for your friend for a little while. Yeah, a lot of these people are just saying, just go to the ceremony, stay at the reception long enough to say hi and leave. It would be so much more meaningful if it were my wedding and I had a friend who I knew the wedding itself was going to be tough for them. It would be so much more meaningful to me if I knew that they still came, even if it was hard and still showed up for me and left early because it was getting to be too much. I would understand that and I would be so grateful that they tried, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair. I also think it just seems like they're not that close anymore also, which is also making me like if this was a super close friend, I think that makes it different dynamics, but this is like an old coworker that you don't see as much anymore, I don't know.
SARAH: They say good friend, we've been friends for almost a decade.
KAYLA: But that's like work friends for almost a decade and then now you don't work together anymore.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: That changes relationships, you know?
SARAH: Yeah, it does. I don't know, I empathize with OP because I know that doing this shit can be quite difficult and you don't want to put yourself in a situation where you think you're going to have a panic attack.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: You don't want to do that, but I think it's worth at least trying.
KAYLA: That's fair. I think maybe to me, asshole is too strong of a word because I don't think they're being malicious or hurting someone on purpose or whatever.
SARAH: Yeah. This person says, very slight, you're the asshole. Who is saying that you have to socialize with anyone? Show up, congratulate your friend and her new husband, then leave. As someone who is also autistic and doesn't do well with large crowds, it's mega rude to tell them you will attend only to back out for the last minute. Even worse to try and use your autism as an excuse.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: Yeah. OP at the top said they were both in long-term relationships. Does OP have a plus one to the wedding?
KAYLA: That's a good question because that to me would help.
SARAH: That would help a lot.
KAYLA: Having that crutch. Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You would think that if they're that close.
SARAH: And if it's like food trucks and it's not like you're paying per plate, it's less of a big deal.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Even if you didn't have a plus one, the friend texting the week ahead being like, I'm so sorry. I know it's so late to be asking this, but I feel so overwhelmed and I would feel so much better if I could bring my partner with me.
KAYLA: Yeah. Especially if it's the food truck thing, it's not a money thing. It's just one extra person. And then be like, it's okay if you say no.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I totally understand.
SARAH: It is okay to say no, but I want to make sure that we all have the most positive experience and that I can be there for you on your large, gigantic day.
KAYLA: Day. Yeah. I don't know. It's hard. I guess I'm trying to think of friends I have that, I don't know, what my reaction would be in that situation. I don't know.
SARAH: I think to their face, I would probably say I totally understand. Well, also because you know me, I'm not so confrontational
KAYLA: Yeah. But also what are you supposed to say? Like, no, I'm forcing you to come. Like there's nothing-
SARAH: Right. But I would be pretty upset by that, to be honest. If I had a friend who just decided it wasn't even worth trying to come to perhaps the most... Because weddings are supposed to be the most important day of your life, where you bring everyone. And even if we're not placing that kind of weight on a romantic relationship, but as we've talked about in this podcast, one of the things that I, as an aro-ace person, really like about weddings is you get to bring everyone you love together.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And it's like the only time in your life that you have an excuse to do that, and people don't really have a good excuse to say no unless they really can't come.
KAYLA: Yeah. Yeah, that's true.
SARAH: And you want to have all the people you love in one place.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So. That's the tea.
KAYLA: I am very interested to hear people's thoughts on that because I feel, I don't know, I feel very conflicted.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Like on the one hand, I want to be very empathetic to like, shit is hard and stuff can be very, very triggering and no one wants to be in that kind of position. And then also, yeah, I mean what you're saying, this is, it's a huge thing, I don't know.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: I would be upset if you did that to me.
SARAH: Yeah. And like, I understand like being like, I don't think I can be in the wedding party. Like that I would not have any issues with, like I understand, but...
KAYLA: Sarah doesn't want to be in my wedding party.
SARAH: If I'm not in your wedding party, I will not go to your wedding. I will say sorry.
KAYLA: Sorry. Too autistic. Can't go to your wedding.
SARAH: Oh, no. Don't say that.
KAYLA: And then I'd say, where's the diagnosis, ma'am? Go to the doctor.
SARAH: You can either show up or give me a diagnosis.
KAYLA: That's your ultimatum. Finally go and get your diagnosis if you're not going to my wedding.
[00:40:00]
SARAH: Oh, rough. Okay. Shall we do one more wedding one? I have two more, but we're running out of time.
KAYLA: Yeah, one more quick.
SARAH: One more wedding. Okay. I'm the asshole for refusing to dress like a background extra for a wedding I wasn't even invited to.
KAYLA: Background at what?
SARAH: TLDR. Said yes to being a plus one for a wedding I wasn't invited to.
KAYLA: Background extra. That's funny.
SARAH: Just found out they expect guests to follow a pastel color palette and wear coordinated outfits. I backed out because I'm not spending money to dress like a beach themed accessory. Am I the asshole? Do you want me to go into more detail?
KAYLA: Well, I mean, just first impressions similar to the last one. If you already RSVP'd, yes, you're screwed and you can't back out now.
SARAH: Okay. Here's more detail.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: A few weeks ago, I begrudgingly agreed to be my friend Ethan's plus one to a wedding for some guy we went to high school with, not someone I've kept in touch with or ever expected to see again. The wedding's in early June, still about three weeks out, and it's happening on some island off the coast of Massachusetts.
KAYLA: Of course it is! Of course it is!
SARAH: We're staying at a resort in Salem. I don't love weddings. Traveling without my own transportation stresses me out, and I was already pushing it by saying yes. This week, Ethan tells me we have to go suit shopping. I'm confused. Why? I already own a black suit. I'm a plus one, not part of the wedding party. Turns out the couple sent out a literal color palette for guests to dress in. Pale grays, taupes, and soft pastels. They encourage everyone to stick to the scheme. No warning, no heads up. Just a full-on vibe control memo like we're extras on a movie set. Ethan wanted us in matching light gray suits and pastel blue or green ties. I'm sorry, but I wear black, maybe maroon, maybe beige if I'm feeling wild. That's it. I'm not about to spend money on a pastel tied suit for a wedding I wasn't even actually invited to. I told him to cancel my plus one because I'm not going anymore. Now he's annoyed, saying I'm bailing last minute and making him look bad because people were expecting me. He left me on read and said that he would talk to me when I was willing to be reasonable. We've been friends since freshman year of high school and have talked pretty much every day since. We're 28 and 29 now. But like, I didn't agree to be a prop in someone else's wedding photo aesthetic. I'm a guest of a guest. The wedding is still 22 days out. Surely he can find another plus one who's down to dress like a decorative macaron. Some edits with details. No, Ethan and I are not dating. We're just longtime friends, nothing romantic. I mistakenly said resort. It's actually a boutique hotel in Salem, not a full resort. I found out about the color palette just yesterday, three weeks before the wedding, four weeks after I agreed to go. Ethan admitted he knew about it earlier, but didn't bring it up because, quote, I knew you'd be difficult about it.
KAYLA: Funny. Okay.
SARAH: Renting a suit isn't really an option because the color scheme is super specific and I'm not interested in investing time or money into looking like a decorative macaron. They not only sent out exact colors to be worn, but advised on which store to get them from.
KAYLA: Well, that's crazy.
SARAH: Why I agreed to go in the first place, I didn't realize this would be a high school reunion vibe and I thought Ethan might not know anyone else there. Now I know he does. And seeing the whole vibe, I wouldn't have to guess if I'd known up front. No, I don't own a beige suit. I was just making a point that I stick to a pretty narrow range of clothing colors. My current formal lineup is two black suits and a black tux.
KAYLA: Okay, Rich.
SARAH: Appreciate the chaos and the feedback, y'all are as entertaining as you are opinioned.
KAYLA: I don't think you can back out now. It is Ethan's fault for not telling you beforehand with enough advance.
SARAH: I think the thing that really makes me upset at Ethan is that he didn't bring it up earlier because, I knew you'd be difficult about it.
KAYLA: Right. And at that point, you can't… like I understand that he's upset because it does make him look bad to be like, just kidding, I'm not bringing him plus one. But you can't be that mad because you knew what was going to happen and put it off. So like you can't be surprised that he's acting like this.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: That said, I also think like sending out a color palette is a pretty like normal. I don't want to say normal. It's not unheard of these days for people to like send color palettes or like things like that with dress codes for guests. Crazy that they told people what stores to go to.
SARAH: That's like five steps too far.
KAYLA: That's way too much.
SARAH: I understand maybe if it was like, even that, like if you're having trouble finding or like you don't know where to look because this isn't your usual color palette, like here are some places that definitely carry it. But it seems like the vibe was more like, this is where to get the right color.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think if it, like on the wedding website, it was like, here's our suggestions if you want like, you know, or our favorite places to shop, whatever.
SARAH: If you're interested in like buying something new to wear for this wedding, here are our suggestions of great places you can go that do well with our color palette.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Cool.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's wild. I just think it's too late to be backing out now.
SARAH: My question also is they quote, encourage everyone to stick to his keep.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, I don't think he's going to get kicked out if he doesn't wear it.
SARAH: Yeah. Like if he wears a black suit, gets a new tie.
KAYLA: I know. Just get a pastel tie.
SARAH: Borrows a tie.
KAYLA: Also, do you need the suit jacket because black pants, white shirt, honestly, he probably does. These people sound fucked up. He probably needs the jacket.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But like there's, we could, we can salvage this, you know, just buy a tie.
SARAH: Buy a tie.
KAYLA: And then you know what you get to do?
SARAH: Maybe a shirt. Like get a pale gray shirt, that's something you can wear in the future.
KAYLA: You know what you get to do too? If someone comes up to you at the wedding is like, oh, fucking missed the memo, huh? You get to be like, yeah, my fucking friend Ethan didn't tell me in time.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Now you get to make Ethan look bad. Huge for you, you love that.
SARAH: Exactly.
KAYLA: I fear we just have to suck it up. I also don't understand how he's like, oh, I didn't realize Ethan was going to know people there. And that's like part of the reason I agreed to go in the first place. You didn't ask who the wedding was for and like what the vibe was beforehand?
SARAH: Like, well, I think, I think he knew who's wedding it was. I just think that he maybe didn't realize that there were going to be so many high school friends invited.
KAYLA: Do you think that's part of the reason he doesn't want to go is because he doesn't want to see all these people from high school?
SARAH: Maybe.
KAYLA: Like now he's realizing who's all going to be there and he's like…
SARAH: I don't want to do that.
KAYLA: I don't want to do that.
SARAH: I think, I think it also depends on how difficult it's going to be for Ethan to find a new plus one. Like what's the vibe?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: How many friends does Ethan have?
KAYLA: I fear everyone in this story is a little bit of an asshole.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: I think the couple is wild for doing the store thing.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: Ethan should not have kept it like that. And this friend should probably maybe suck it up.
SARAH: Yeah. It's interesting because the official ruling is no assholes here.
KAYLA: Oh, okay. I was close. If you think about it, I was pretty close.
SARAH: No assholes. Everyone's kind of an asshole. Yeah.
KAYLA: No, I think I'm close.
SARAH: I have a question about OP. We have two black suits and a black tux. First of all, why do you need two black suits?
KAYLA: Yeah. Get rid of one and now get a beige one. I don't see the issue with a beige suit. Obama wore one and everyone…
SARAH: And everyone...
KAYLA: Loved that or hated it.
SARAH: Oh no, they hated it and talked about it on the news for a week.
KAYLA: But now we love it. Everyone loves Obama beige suit.
SARAH: I'm just saying, okay. You're 28 or 29 years old. It's wedding season. I don't just mean summertime…
KAYLA: Of your life.
SARAH: I mean, you're at the age when you are going to be probably invited to more weddings. This is a summer wedding because this post was from 10 days ago.
KAYLA: Yeah. Oh, funny.
SARAH: This is a summer wedding.
KAYLA: Should I find it? Should I find it and go to it?
SARAH: Oh, the wedding? I thought you had the post. I was like, I can send it to you.
KAYLA: I was going to start loitering around Salem's boutique hotels and looking for pastel colored people.
SARAH: Oh my God. Perfect. I mean, they'll be everywhere. The question is finding the right pastel colored people.
KAYLA: So true.
SARAH: If you're going to be possibly going to more weddings, many of them will be summer weddings. You need to get a summer wedding suit.
KAYLA: I think a beige… you can't go wrong with having a beige suit in your repertoire.
SARAH: I don't know about beige.
KAYLA: What do you think? What is a summer suit to you?
SARAH: I don't know. Wedding. I don't know. Here's the thing. The wedding that I'm going to next month, I bought new clothes for it. Not because anyone told me I had to. Not because anyone told me there was a specific color palette. But because I didn't want to wear a dress. And all of the non-dress wedding appropriate outfits I have are super autumnal wintry.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And I was like, the vibe is just not going to be right. The vibe is just not going to be there. So I didn't have to acquire new clothes. But I did.
KAYLA: Don't you have a friend you could borrow something from?
SARAH: Yeah. Can you not wear pants that are like half an inch too long that you borrowed from your friend?
[00:50:00]
KAYLA: Just wear the black pants and get a different shirt and tie.
SARAH: Yeah. You can get a… as I said...
KAYLA: Because he's saying, I can't rent a suit because the colors are so specific. One of the colors is gray.
SARAH: Is pale gray.
KAYLA: Get a gray suit.
SARAH: You can use a pale gray suit shirt.
KAYLA: Everyone loves a pale gray suit, I say knowing nothing. Just get a pale gray suit. You already have two fucking black ones and you own a tuxedo?
SARAH: Yeah. It does not seem like the problem is money here.
KAYLA: You own a tuxedo.
SARAH: I think it's just pride happening. It's not a money thing.
KAYLA: I think what it is, is someone is feeling like if they go to a wedding with their best guy friend in a pastel suit and see all their old high school friends there, people are going to think they're gay.
SARAH: They’re gonna think they’re gay.
KAYLA: Exactly.
SARAH: Yeah. Okay. We're looking in the comments. Okay. A wedding is not a summons and he should have been told about the dress code sooner. That said, I can see why he was annoyed. He wanted to go with you, his good friend, and y'all already have accommodations booked and it sounds like you probably should have just said no at the beginning.
KAYLA: See, everyone's an asshole.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I think everyone is doing a little bit wrong.
SARAH: This person goes, dude, break out the beige suit and wear a pastel tie and let him know that he owes you big and you will collect.
KAYLA: See, that's the thing too. Like, this is your time to be like, Ethan, you fuck. Why didn't you tell me?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Aren't guys supposed to like not get mad at each other and stay friends even when one of them is like the worst person you've ever met?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Why aren't we doing that here?
SARAH: It's interesting that they're referring to themselves as the background extra for a wedding that they weren't invited to because like you specifically weren't invited to the wedding.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But your friend was given a plus one and they...
KAYLA: Yeah. Chose to use it.
SARAH: They chose to use it.
KAYLA: On you. Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. A lot of people are saying like, it seems like it was an encouragement, not a demand. If you don't want to wear that color, you're not being forced to.
KAYLA: Yeah. I don't think you're going to get kicked out of the wedding. Certainly someone's weird fucking uncle isn't going to be dressed, right? Like...
SARAH: Unless Ethan is like, no, I won't show up with you if you, in that case, that's Ethan's fault.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like that's his deal.
KAYLA: I guess it sounded like Ethan wanted to wear matching stuff, which like then both of them rent something. I don't understand.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I feel like everyone's being very dramatic.
SARAH: This one person says, everyone's an asshole here.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: Yeah, the dress code is annoying as a plus one. It's also surprisingly common. However, this information should have been given to you much earlier. With that said, you are massively overreacting.
KAYLA: Exactly. As I've said.
SARAH: This level of anger is not normal for a situation like this. It's not that deep, bro. It wasn't a personal attack. They literally just want a certain aesthetic. TBH, I'd be embarrassed to show up to a wedding with someone who behaves like this every time they feel slighted, so maybe you did your friend a favor.
KAYLA: This is exactly as I'm saying.
SARAH: So that's the tea. Oh, hold on. Sorry. I just saw a new comment that I needed to read to you. How hot is Ethan? I mean, do you see yourself dating this guy as opposed to just being his pretend wedding date? This is really important since it seems that Ethan is invested in the two of you being all cute and matchy-matchy at the wedding. Do you want to be matchy-matchy with Ethan? That said, since I only have need of one suit, it's light gray. So versatile. I think they're saying that you should only have- own a light gray suit.
KAYLA: Just get a light gray suit.
SARAH: This is a request for information. You've known Ethan for 14 years. Does he want to take things in a more serious direction? Yeah, I get it. You find the whole thing annoying, but do you want Ethan to think that you're the asshole? He's probably near to thinking so. His opinion is probably more important than mine.
KAYLA: That's the thing, too. This is your… you talk to him every day, and we're gonna let this be a whole situation?
SARAH: When I was reading this, I did get kind of queer vibes.
KAYLA: Oh, yeah.
SARAH: And like that doesn't mean that you and Ethan need to get together, but I did get the vibe that you're comfortable bringing a man as your plus one.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: You don't have that toxic masculine, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And the fact that homie wants to have matching suits.
KAYLA: I love that.
SARAH: Whether he's into you or not, that's a little…
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Limp wrist is what I'm doing. So I'm just like, will people think you're together if you show up? Do you want them to not think… so many questions. That's all. Kayla?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: What's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: I want to know what people think about the guy not going to the wedding, whether he's the asshole or not.
SARAH: Yeah, I'm very interested in that. I'm sending you the link right now to that post.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: No, that's the Zoom link.
KAYLA: I already have that.
SARAH: You already have that. We're on it.
KAYLA: Thank you. Thank you so much.
SARAH: Yeah, I would like to know what people think about that, especially those of you with autistic rizz and those with autism who don't have rizz.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Both types.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Kayla, what's your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: My beef is I'm so busy, so much to do, so little time, and it's times like these that just make me realize what a fucking control freak I am. So that's tough because people…
SARAH: Do I need to give you a peanut M&M?
KAYLA: Yes. Actually, no, I don't like the peanut M&Ms, but I like a peanut butter M&M. You would fucking hate that. That's actually your nightmare.
SARAH: When I was… Kayla, do you know this lore? I feel like I've told you this lore, but maybe you've forgotten it. When I was three years old…
KAYLA: Is this about the peanut M&M?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah, why would I forget this? This is like your main… I tell people that don't know you about this about you.
SARAH: Well, I'm telling the listeners. When I was three years old…
KAYLA: There's no way they don't know this.
SARAH: I choked on a peanut M&M, and I threw up on my poor mother. I don't remember this. I have no recollection of this happening. I only know that it happened because I've been told it happened. That is the reason why I do not eat chocolate or any peanut products. I don't remember it happening.
KAYLA: If they hadn't told you, do you think you would eat it?
SARAH: Maybe.
KAYLA: Like, did it start from then, or did it start from when you were told that story?
SARAH: I think maybe a little bit of both. It became Sarah Lore.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Maybe immediately after, I was like, oh, no, that's the thing that made me vom. I didn't really want to have it. Then later, they were like, hey, do you want this? And then I was like, no.
KAYLA: Who's to say?
SARAH: Anyway
KAYLA: There are definitely people that have never met you, but know about you, and I've told them that story. Extremely important lore for you, I think.
SARAH: I'm very silly.
KAYLA: Yeah. I would not like a peanut M&M, but I would take a peanut butter M&M.
SARAH: What's the difference? Does peanut butter have no crunch? Do peanut M&Ms… are they crunchy?
KAYLA: Yeah, it's a full peanut. It's a full peanut, which is probably why you choked. They're big. That's probably why you choked. You shouldn't have been having that.
SARAH: Okay, well, you can tell Julie that.
KAYLA: I will.
SARAH: My entire life, I always just assumed that a peanut M&M was how you're describing a peanut butter M&M.
KAYLA: No, a peanut M&M, they're bigger than a normal M&M for sure, and it's a full peanut, and then the chocolate, and then the M&M shell. A peanut butter M&M I think is a more recent product, and it's creamy peanut butter in the innards, and then chocolate, and then the shell.
SARAH: Wow, I learned something new today.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't like the crunch of all the nuts. I also am pretty anti-nut in dessert.
SARAH: Kayla doesn't want you to nut.
KAYLA: I hate when you specifically nut. Listener, I'm talking to you.
SARAH: You.
KAYLA: Stop it.
SARAH: Stop. It's not allowed.
KAYLA: It's not allowed. Yeah, I'm a control freak. The thing is I get busy, and then people are like, oh, I have some time, what can I help with? And I'm like, no, I must do it all myself.
SARAH: You'll do it wrong. It'll take me too long to explain to you how to do it right, and might as well just do it myself.
KAYLA: This is exactly it, which is a problem.
SARAH: That's how I feel about interns.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Respectfully, I want the interns to have a good experience. I want them to learn. However, sometimes it's easier for me to just do it myself.
KAYLA: My juice is I'm reading ‘Cloud Atlas’ right now by David Mitchell. Good book, but also it's a thinker, and it's probably not the best time for me to be reading that.
SARAH: To be thinking?
KAYLA: To be thinking
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But I like it.
SARAH: Stop thinking.
KAYLA: I can't. That's also the problem. I go to sleep at night, and I'm just thinking about work.
SARAH: Just don't think. Just don't think. No thinking. My beef is that my dryer is broken. It is not a dryer right now. It's a wetter. It is making my clothes more wet.
KAYLA: Wait, what? The dryer? What? How does that happen? How's the water getting in there?
[01:00:00]
SARAH: So, I ran the dryer over the weekend, as I do with my clothes. It said it was done, and then I stuck my hand in it. I said, “that's not done.” I was like, “did I not run it?” Was it actually the washer that I heard making a noise?
KAYLA: You don't have a combined washer-dryer, right? They're two different appliances?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Okay. What?
SARAH: And so, I was like, maybe I just didn't actually run it. And so, I put the rest of my laundry in because there actually wasn't that much. And I ran it again, and it was still very damp.
KAYLA: But damper?
SARAH: About the same amount of damp.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: I ran it in total probably four or five times. And I started taking things out that were mostly dry to be like, okay, maybe there's too much stuff in here, which there wasn't. It was not that big of a… but I was like, maybe that's making it worse or something?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Then over the course of 24 hours, because then it's the next day, and I go to work and whatever. And I come home, and I open it, and it's still the same amount of damp. And I was like, I understand the door was closed all day, but it's moving around in there when it's running. It's sitting there. It should be at least slightly drier. Why is it not at least slightly drier?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And so, I took everything out, and I just hung it up in various places in my home.
KAYLA: As you do.
SARAH: Because I don't have a drying rack.
KAYLA: Yeah. I just purchased one this week, because usually that's what Dean does. He hangs up. He doesn't put any of his clothes in the dryer. They just scatter through every chair and every doorway in our home. Just is odd.
SARAH: He grew up with enough money to not have to do that.
KAYLA: I don't know why he doesn't put... There are certain clothes that I'm like, I think you could dry them.
SARAH: If he were European, I would be like, oh yeah, of course. That's just what they do. But he was born and raised in the good old US of A.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know, because it's like jeans. I'm like, you can dry your jeans.
SARAH: That takes a long time. You don't want to shrink them like that?
KAYLA: I don't know. I don't know what it is.
SARAH: My towels that I have had to air dry now are so much scratchier when I air dry them than when I dry them in the dryer.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Anyway, point being. So, I decided to run a test. I took one washcloth that was damp. And I ran the washer with only one washcloth in it. It ran for about five minutes. And I looked at the thing and the timer said... Normally, it's like, oh, this will take 35 or 45 minutes to dry. And the timer was like, this will take 70 minutes.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: I said, there is one washcloth.
KAYLA: There is something wrong here.
SARAH: So I stopped it. After about five minutes, I opened the door. There is water collecting.
KAYLA: How did it get in there?
SARAH: I pick up the washcloth. It is wetter than it was five minutes ago.
KAYLA: How did it get in there?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: There's not supposed to be a water in the dryer. I didn't even know there was a water connect on dryers. Is there?
SARAH: There has to be.
KAYLA: Like a water out connect.
SARAH: Water out, yeah. My landlord thinks it might be a vent problem, which I'm hoping it is, because that seems like a relatively easy fix. Knock on wood. There's just something stuck in the vent, and so it's pushing water back in.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: But yeah, so I don't have a dryer right now, I have a wetter.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And my landlord was like, don't use it until we fix it. And I was like, I told you it's making my clothes wetter. Why would I use it? My juice is just Renee Rapp music in general.
KAYLA: She's so hot.
SARAH: She's got new music coming out.
KAYLA: So attractive.
SARAH: You know who else is hot? Florence Pugh in Thunderbolts.
KAYLA: She is an attractive lady.
SARAH: There you are.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I was like, wow. You're great to look at for two hours and seven minutes. What happened to the guinea pig?
KAYLA: I haven't seen it, so I really couldn't say.
SARAH: It's the only movie I've seen in approximately five decades. I literally just watched it because I was like, I love Florence Pugh, and I love her character. So, I was like, I'm doing it.
KAYLA: Gotcha.
SARAH: There's a scene… This isn't really a spoiler. It happens at the beginning. There's a scene where she blows up a lab, and there were guinea pigs in the lab who were being guinea pigs for lab things, and she steals one of them. And so then she's walking away from the lab just with the guinea pig in her shirt, and then the lab blows up behind her. But we never addressed the guinea pig again, like what happened to it?
KAYLA: That's tough.
SARAH: That's my biggest note. Anyway. Also, she had this blue eyeliner thing going. Great. Anyway. She looks so gay. Anyway, thanks for the podcast. You can tell us about your beef, your juice on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you want to support us there. Our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Tom S, Tanner Shioshita, Vince Terranova, and Vishakh. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are SongOStorm, who would like to promote a healthy work-life balance. Val, who would like to promote also a healthy work-life balance. Alastor, who would like to promote the podcast ‘Shadows and Shenanigans.’ Ani, who would like to promote the importance of being kind to yourself and others. And Arcnes, who would like to promote the Trevor Project. Our other $10 patrons are Benjamin Ybarra, Clare Olsen, Derick and Carissa, Elle Bitter, Eric, my Aunt Jeannie, Johanna, Kayla’s dad, Maff, Martin Chiesl, Purple Hayes, and Barefoot Backpacker. I'm sure my Aunt Jeannie has seen the Thunderbolts movie because it has Bucky Barnes in it, and she…
KAYLA: And that's her dog.
SARAH: That is her dog, and she is a Bucky Barnes stan. Our $15 patrons are Ace, who would like to promote the writer Crystal Scherer, Nathaniel White, nathanieljwhitedesigns.com. Kayla’s aunt Nina, who would like to promote katemaggartart.com, and Schnell, who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. Hello. Our $20 patrons are Dragonfly, Dr. Jacki, my mom, and River, who would like to promote Florence Pugh looking gay. I saw a tweet that was like, “Thunderbolts is the first Marvel movie that doesn't have the woke agenda. Thank God.” And someone was like, “with all of them looking like that?”
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't think so.
SARAH: Also, the theme of the movie is mental health.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like, did we miss that?
KAYLA: Clearly.
SARAH: Anyway. Thanks for listening. Tune in not next Sunday.
KAYLA: Not next Sunday.
SARAH: We're on a little, little break, but the Sunday following for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
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