Ep 348: Choose Your Own Adventure
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah, that’s me.)
KAYLA: And a bi-demisexual girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, ‘Choose Your Own Adventure.’
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: Hellooooo.
SARAH: Once again, I've realized that we didn't talk about when summer break is going to be.
KAYLA: We sure didn’t
SARAH: Just know that it's looming, everyone
KAYLA: It’s coming
SARAH: We can't give you a date but it's looming.
KAYLA: Just think like July, you know?
SARAH: In all likelihood, we'll have this episode and the week after and then we'll be on break starting on the 29th of June.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: This is us having our business meeting live and in concert.
KAYLA: Oh, I didn’t… okay
SARAH: That's probably what's going to happen.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Okay. I guess that's our housekeeping.
KAYLA: Um, yeah.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week I wanted to do something silly because…
SARAH: Silly
KAYLA: As I'm sure you are all aware
SARAH: Everything is bad
KAYLA: Everything is really bad and we thought briefly about talking about how this is like the worst year of pride ever and then I was like, well, I'm already in like a really shit mood so I don't know that anyone like, I certainly wouldn't want to listen to that.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And that's probably going to make me in a worse mood so I was like, “maybe not.”
SARAH: What if we're silly?
KAYLA: What if we're silly and I try to fix my sad?
SARAH: So that's what we're doing.
KAYLA: That's what we're doing. So, I was thinking of what we could do that's silly and…
SARAH: And it will fix your sad
KAYLA: And then it will fix my sad. And I was looking through actually old episodes earlier today trying to brainstorm and I remember how we played those…
SARAH: Dating simulators?
KAYLA: Like iPhone games?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah, like iPhone games that were like dating simulators and I was like that was fun because we just like played it as ace as possible and we were like really bad at it.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But it's very entertaining to like do a little quiz or a game
SARAH: Remember the KFC one?
KAYLA: Yeah, I was thinking about that one too, we failed that really bad, the KFC one. So, I found a website called chooseyourstory.com. I've not played through any of these, so, we're just going to find out live. They do have ratings so I'm trying to look for ones that are like rated higher
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: But a lot of them are not rated very highly
SARAH: Great
KAYLA: So, I'm in the love and dating section of this website and I figured we'd start with one that they say is really short and it actually has a decent rating.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: So, this one is called the quick dating game. Play the quick dating game and see if you can get the girl, so
SARAH: Okay, let's get the girl. All right, wait, so how are we playing?
KAYLA: I will read it and you can make the decisions.
SARAH: But like what approach? Like, are we like as aspec back as possible? Are we like trying to win?
KAYLA: Let's see.
SARAH: By vibe. Okay.
KAYLA: Yeah. Also, this story here with a note. Please know if you are easily offended by stereotypes, especially as they relate to men, women and dating, please don't read, rate or comment on this game. It is meant to be silly.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And some people in the comments are like, “oh, it's such great satire.” So, I don't know. We'll see.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And now, oh, this is long to read. Okay. So, I guess my name is Bob.
SARAH: Oh, hi Bob.
KAYLA: I'll have several names. Okay. Hello and welcome to the new quick dating game. I'm Bob and I'll be your host. This is just like the old dating game, only it is new. Yay new. For those audience members new to the game, I'll describe how it works. Over here we have our lovely single lady ready to go on a date with one of our eligible bachelors. Okay, so, it's like the TV show like thing. Okay.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: On the other side of this wall here where she cannot see them are three bachelors who hope they will win her heart, or at least an all-expense paid date with our single lady. Speaking of that date, Don, tell us where our winners will be going. Oh, they'll be getting an all expenses paid dinner date to Waffle House on Frontage Road.
SARAH: Ah, wow
KAYLA: They'll get picked up at their homes by Larry's Discount Limousines and he will take them to the side door at Waffle House. Contestants must arrange for their own rides home. Once there, they will enjoy any items and entrees they select from the special limited time Waffle House deal menu. They'll be served by one of the career Waffle House waitresses and won't even have to pay the tip. Back to you, Bob. Thank you, Don.
SARAH: Is it Don or Dawn?
KAYLA: D-O-N.
SARAH: Okay. Don.
KAYLA: Don. Now our special single lady is going to get to ask four questions for our bachelors here. That's all. Just four, not five, not three, except she will ask three before she gets to four. Of course.
SARAH: Of course.
KAYLA: Eight is right out. Monty Python joke, that's funny. Anyway, she will ask those questions, listen to the answers, then she will select one of these wonderful sholobs, shalobs? Shalobs?
SARAH: Spell it.
KAYLA: S-H-O-L-O-B-S. I hope that's not a bad word.
SARAH: Sholobs? Are they just saying slobs in a silly way?
KAYLA: I hope so. Okay. Bachelor number one is Max Power. He says, I am a successful life coach and motivational speaker. I help people find their strengths in life and I let them know how to focus on that strength to unlock their…
SARAH: Sholobs is a fictional monster in the form of a giant spider from John Reuel Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.
KAYLA: Oh. Do you think that that's what they are?
SARAH: Oh, she's a she. Anyway. Sorry. Can you say that again? I wasn't paying attention.
KAYLA: Um, so bachelor number one is Max Power…
SARAH: Power
KAYLA: And he's a very successful life coach and motivational speaker.
SARAH: Oh, no.
KAYLA: And he helps people find their strengths in life and to focus on their strengths.
SARAH: No, no
KAYLA: And I live in a van down by the river.
SARAH: Wow. The cultural references in this go kind of crazy.
KAYLA: No, it's good. Okay. Bachelor number two is Sherm Gazorn.
SARAH: Sherm Gazorn.
KAYLA: Thank you, Bob. I am Sherm, Sherm Gazorn. I am the night manager of a 24-hour convenience store down on 17th street. I am also taking some classes at the community college where I'm working towards... Thanks. That's enough, Sherm. We only have so much time here.
SARAH: Okay. But Sherm is trying to better himself. He's employed. He's trying to better himself. He's not a fucking life coach.
KAYLA: Oh, we're bachelor number three.
SARAH: We're bachelor number three? Nevermind. Fuck Sherm.
KAYLA: Okay. He cut off Sherm. Now finally we're onto bachelor number three. Bachelor number three, introduce yourself. Our options are, sit there and stare blankly into the camera, lie like a rug and describe your awesome adventurous lifestyle. Tell the truth and say that you're an accountant at a bank. I love lie like a rug, that's so silly.
SARAH: I think we're going to get caught out way too easily if we lie like a rug.
KAYLA: I feel that especially compared to these guys, being an accountant at the bank is like, that's a nice, steady, reliable job. Like that's a good, I think that's good.
SARAH: Let's be honest. We're an accountant.
KAYLA: Let's be honest. We're an accountant at the bank. And you know what? That's just fine.
SARAH: I mean, it's my worst nightmare personally, but yeah.
KAYLA: Okay. Now we're meeting the bachelorette. Her name is Rita.
SARAH: Rita.
KAYLA: Bob says, Rita, you've got some great cans there. Thank you, Bob. These are two soda cans that I brought from backstage to help remind everyone that we need to recycle. If we don't recycle something simple like our aluminum cans, the entire planet is going to turn into a pile of garbage and no one likes garbage. Sarah is holding up her can. Thank you very much. You are Rita. Some people like garbage, Rita. Garbage men, for example. But enough about garbage, can you show me your puppies there?
SARAH: I disagree. I think garbage men probably don't like garbage. The only people that like garbage are little boys who want to be garbage men because they think that they're supposed to like garbage.
KAYLA: They don't, I bet.
SARAH: But what they really like is big trucks for some reason.
KAYLA: Big trucks, yeah.
SARAH: Continue.
KAYLA: So, Bob says, enough about garbage, can you show me your puppies there? Yes, Bob. These are two puppies that I got from the animal shelter on the way to the studio today. They are available for adoption if anyone in the audience is interested.
SARAH: What kind of puppies?
KAYLA: I don't know. Okay. Bob said we don't have time for all this.
SARAH: God, Bob, you're such a buzzkill.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: How are we supposed to get to know Rita if you don't even let her talk about her puppies and her cans?
KAYLA: This is a great question. Rita says, okay, so Bob is like, shut the fuck up, ask your questions. Rita says, Bob, the first question was easy. Okay, bachelors, tell me your most embarrassing date. Teehee. Nice laugh, Rita. Okay, bachelor number one, let's hear it. Bachelor number one. Oh, I don't know, Bob. Bob says, hey, brainiac, talk to Rita, not me, I don't swing that way.
SARAH: Yeah, I was going to say, why are you talking to Bob? Bob says, no homo.
[00:10:00]
KAYLA: Bob says, no homo. So, bachelor number one says, well, Rita, there was this one time that I came out of a bathroom and I forgot to tie my shoes. I know, I know, silly, right? But I went right back onto the dance floor and this guy I know, Jim, stepped on my shoelaces, right? So yeah, I went to the side and I tried to play it off as my new smash my face into the boobs of some chick I don't know dance move, but I don't think anyone was buying it. Long story short, at least I didn't break my nose or anything.
SARAH: I love how this implies that to go to the bathroom, you have to untie your shoes.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's actually such a good, when I came out of a bathroom and I forgot to tie my shoes.
SARAH: I thought it was going to be like, I forgot to zip up my fly.
KAYLA: Yeah, or like toilet paper on my shoe.
SARAH: Right. But no, I just, I love the implication that this man, what's his name? Something Power?
KAYLA: Yeah, Max Power.
SARAH: Max Power. Oh, I just realized Max like maximum. Wow. It took me too long to get that. I think I was so distracted by figuring out the pun in his name that I forgot what I was saying. So, I think I'll stop now.
KAYLA: Okay. Okay. Absolutely fascinating bachelor, number one, why did we make him number one? Ah, number one on what list? Oh, right.
SARAH: Power? Power list
KAYLA: Anyway, bachelor number two, same question for you. Oh, interesting. Bachelor number two says, thanks, Bob. Huh? Oh boy. Huh? I'm turning red over here. I know Rita can't see me, but you can Bob, right? Bob, not that I want to.
SARAH: I think… who is the second guy's name? I forgot.
KAYLA: This is Sherm.
SARAH: Sherm. I think Sherm is giving a little bisexual energy.
KAYLA: I agree. Especially because Sherm then says this one time at band camp… No really. Haha. Oh my. I can't even say it. It's just so hot. I don't know. Huh? That's a gay band kind.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: A bisexual band kind.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay. Now it's our turn. We have four options. Tell her about the time you forgot your wallet and your date had to pay for dinner. Make up a story about how someone recognized you and wanted your autograph during dinner. Tell her that it is impossible for you to be embarrassed or ask her to repeat the question.
SARAH: I kind of want to ask her to repeat the question.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Because I think the first one, like, oh, you forgot your wallet and like…
KAYLA: Ah
SARAH: What? What happened?
KAYLA: It just said, great, thanks for that wonderful answer, bachelor number three.
SARAH: I love it. I didn't want to do the first one because like, it's just so heteronormative.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You know?
KAYLA: Also, we're about to go to free dinner. So like, it doesn't matter anyway.
SARAH: Exactly
KAYLA: I have to tell you, I can see Rita's face from here and she looks really impressed with that answer.
SARAH: Hell, yeah
KAYLA: At least I think that's what her blank stare means. Rita, are you still with us? I'm right here, Bob. You certainly are. Rita, is there anything special you want to tell us about yourself today? Something to share with the studio audience?
SARAH: I didn't realize there was a studio audience. I mean, it was kind of implied, but.
KAYLA: Yeah. Well, I'm not sure. Come on, Rita, tell us about your job. What do you do for a living? Oh, well, until recently, I worked the late shift at Twin Peaks, you know, the old bookstore at the top of the two mountains east of the city. I took care of the customers.
SARAH: At the top of the two mountains?
KAYLA: At the top of the two mountains.
SARAH: It's one bookstore at the top of two mountains? Is it really long?
KAYLA: This is an excellent question.
SARAH: Is it an architectural feat of mankind?
KAYLA: That would be, I mean, yeah. How close are these mountains?
SARAH: Or is there one location at each one?
KAYLA: Oh, maybe like a really long bridge.
SARAH: Yeah, I was going to say, or like if you have to pick up someone's shift at the other one, it's like really annoying. She'd like walk all the way down the mountain and then like all the way out the other mountain.
KAYLA: That would be really annoying.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Anyway, she rang up their sales and put the books they bought into bags so they could take them home. It was pretty exciting.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Rita, that sounds like nonstop action and fun.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Speaking of nonstop action and fun, do you think we could get back to the game?
SARAH: No
KAYLA: It's time for you to ask another question of our bored bachelors. What do you have for question number two? Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Question two. Now, I've been on a few different dates in my life and I've been to a few different kinds of places. I bet you have. So, bachelors, if we hit it off on our first date and I want you to take me on a second date, tell me about how that date would go or where you would take me.
SARAH: Snakes. I hope snakes is an option.
KAYLA: Oh no, gross. Bachelor number one says, oh Rita, if you pick me, well, let's say that the second date would probably involve breakfast if you know what I mean. Rita says, I don't. Bob says, she doesn't.
SARAH: Love you, Rita.
KAYLA: What I mean is that our first date would be so good it would last all night. Do you think he means that our second date would be after the first one?
SARAH: That's usually how it goes. Second usually comes after the first.
KAYLA: Maybe our first date would end up, you might want to give up on that line there, bachelor number one. Oh, right. So, second date, we would go somewhere nice.
SARAH: Vague.
KAYLA: Great job, bachelor number one. You really know how to sweep them off their feet, don't you? Ew. Bachelor number two says, I think maybe to celebrate the anniversary of our first date, I think we would go somewhere special. Like maybe we would go to the same place as our first date and see if the waitress would let us sit in the same seats. Then we could even order the same food and maybe even see if the bill came out to exactly the same amount, except this time I would bring a first date anniversary present for you to open after dinner.
SARAH: So, are we waiting a year after the first date?
KAYLA: That's a great question, I hadn't thought about that.
SARAH: Or are we going like Korean style, where it's like they do an anniversary for 100 days, they do an anniversary for a month, they do an anniversary, you know, like that.
KAYLA: I don't know. I don't know. I mean, it seems like every date is an anniversary.
SARAH: Every date is an anniversary if you just believe, that's so true.
KAYLA: So, our options are, say you would take her skydiving and land on an exotic island where they would serve fresh seafood. Tell her you would take her anywhere she wanted to go. Tell her you would take her to Moe's Family Feedbag and get this shared special meal.
SARAH: Here's the thing. My concern about the skydiving and the fresh seafood is like, what if she doesn't want fresh seafood? What if she wants rancid seafood? You know?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: What if she's allergic?
KAYLA: Also, landing on an island while skydiving seems like more risky than it needs to be.
SARAH: Well, you just have to jump out of the plane above the island.
KAYLA: Yeah, I know that, but I would rather do it on like big land to make sure I really get where I'm supposed to go, you know?
SARAH: Who's to say it's not big land? Big island.
KAYLA: I just feel like that adds too many variables.
SARAH: I don't know what to tell you. Maui's the big island, right?
KAYLA: No, that's Honolulu.
SARAH: Honolulu is a city.
KAYLA: I thought that was an island too.
SARAH: The big island is the island of Hawaii.
KAYLA: I thought Honolulu was also an island.
SARAH: I don't think so.
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: The island upon which Honolulu is is Oahu.
KAYLA: Oh. Well, I've never been to Hawaii because I'm a good person, so how would I know?
SARAH: Me too. I haven't either because I'm also a good person.
KAYLA: So there. Anyway, I think we should take her wherever she wants to go.
SARAH: Sure, yeah. Make her decide, bitch.
KAYLA: Yeah. Oh, we're going to a commercial break now.
SARAH: That's where she wanted to go?
KAYLA: Well, no, Bob just was like, we're going to take a commercial break.
SARAH: I can't believe that's where she wanted to go for our second date.
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SARAH: Two questions.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: One, did they give a number to call?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Okay, two, nothing is a vegetable.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Have you seen that clip? It is from Dropout. It is on one of their shows where they just do a presentation about something.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: And someone's presentation was about how nothing is a vegetable.
KAYLA: I don't like that.
SARAH: And they kept asking everyone there to name what they thought to be a vegetable. And they were like, “no, that's a leafy green. No, that's a spud.”
KAYLA: Okay. But those are vegetables. A leafy green is a vegetable.
SARAH: Okay, I don't know if they use the word leafy green, but they all have their own different categories. Or like, a cucumber is a fruit.
KAYLA: Is fruit a real category?
SARAH: Yeah. Yeah. Fruit is a real category, but not vegetable.
KAYLA: So really there's just fruit and everything else?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: And some things that we consider to be vegetables are actually fruits, like cucumbers and tomatoes.
KAYLA: Right. And tomatoes.
SARAH: Anyway, what?
[00:20:00]
KAYLA: Okay. Welcome back to the show. Nothing really happened while you were gone, that's how these shows work. But we're all waiting anxiously to find out what question Rita will ask the bachelors next. Um, ew. Rita says, when I was little, I always pretended to be a mommy, I always wanted to be a mommy with a bunch of kids.
SARAH: Ew
KAYLA: So, tell me bachelors, when you were kids, what did you want to be when you grew up?
SARAH: A mommy. I hope one of them says a mommy.
KAYLA: Bachelor number two. And then bachelor number one says, hey, Rita, I could be your... And then Bob says, hey, moron, did you change numbers during the commercial break? I don't think so. Shut up and wait your turn. Yes, bachelor number two, you're up. Oh, right, what was the question again? Something about mommies? Yes, that's right, Rita wants to know about your mom.
SARAH: Ooh
KAYLA: My mom is super nice. She's a great cook. I didn't ask about… just let him go. And she calls me up from the basement for dinner almost every day. Someday she goes out and forgets I'm there, I think. But then I order pizza. I do it online. Did you know you can do that these days? The pizza man doesn't like coming into the basement. But sometimes I make him come down when I forget my wallet. Any other questions, Rita? I didn't think so. Let's go back to moron number one, I mean, bachelor number one.
SARAH: Sherm, you've ruined it. Sherm, you've ruined the illusion of yourself.
KAYLA: Rita, even when I was little, people told me that I should be president because not only could anyone grow up to be president, they told me I was a good leader. People followed me around, if you know what I mean.
SARAH: President of deez nuts.
KAYLA: Deez nuts. Okay, here are our options. Tell her that you're not ready to grow up. Tell her that you wanted to be a policeman so you could put the bad guys away. No.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Tell her that you wanted to be awesome and you are. Tell her that you always knew you would be an accountant but didn't know it would be at a bank.
SARAH: The last one, absolutely.
KAYLA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SARAH: Imagine like a five-year-old just dreaming of being an accountant, that sounds fucking autistic to me.
KAYLA: Okay, it's almost over. Rita just gets to ask one more question to the bachelors, then she has to pick one. We also want to take a moment to thank Ronco, our sponsor for tonight's show. And knowing the reputation of Ronco, you can tell where this show is going and exactly what it's worth. My paycheck better not bounce. But back to the show, Rita, have you considered your last question? I have, Bob. I hope you have put some thought into this one because this is your last question and you're going to have to pick one of the bachelors after their answers. And no, I'm sorry, you cannot pick me. And you can't pick anyone other than one of the three bachelors. Well, I suppose you can. But if you want the studio to actually pay for your Waffle House dinner, you've got to go with one of these three.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: I'm not saying you have to talk to them while you're there, but you do have to eat at the same table or booth.
SARAH: And you have to take the same discount limo.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's true. Okay, the last question. Question.
SARAH: Question.
KAYLA: Now bachelors, I know we already talked about previous dates. Now I want to hear about your last girlfriend. Why are you single? Bachelor number two says, oh, that's pretty funny, Bob. I guess you've had people...
SARAH: Bob? Stop talking to Bob.
KAYLA: That's such a good point. I guess you've had people here on your show who are all like, oh, my mom this and my mom that, I'm glad I've got a better mom than that. What? Oh, because Bob made a joke about moms that I didn't read.
SARAH: Oh, okay, thank you. Do you want to read it to us now?
KAYLA: Ah, nah.
SARAH: No, okay.
KAYLA: My last girlfriend was French. Oh, yeah, she knew how to do stuff like French people do. Actually, I met her on the internet. Well, actually, she lives in France and hasn't been here. So, I actually haven't seen her in person. I mean, she was still my girlfriend and all. Just ask her. Well, you can't really ask her since she changed her email address. But she was hot. She told me she was.
SARAH: Sure. Bestie.
KAYLA: Okay, bachelor number one. My last girlfriend was nice. Oh, she wasn't as nice as you are. I can just tell. But we went on a few dates and we both knew that we just weren't meant for each other. I'm looking for a soulmate, someone who just gets me. Do you get me, Rita? Because I'd sure like to get you, if you know what I mean.
SARAH: Max Power, more like Min Power.
KAYLA: Okay. Our options are, I never had a girlfriend, I'm hoping you will be my first. She was a model, but I'm sure you could be a model, too. She was a nice girl but moved to Toledo, Ohio. She couldn't handle you because you were just too hot. I'm assuming that's us, like we're too hot.
SARAH: Toledo, Ohio. Absolutely. What was the first one? I didn't like it for some reason.
KAYLA: Oh, that she would be our first girlfriend.
SARAH: Oh, yeah, that puts way too much pressure on Rita.
KAYLA: Yeah. Okay, then there's just a bunch of, I don't care about this. Tell me if I won. What? She picked bachelor number one.
SARAH: Rita.
KAYLA: Oh, but bachelor number one just had a heart attack.
SARAH: Oh, my God. Max power? Really, you said max power to the heart.
KAYLA: So sorry, Rita. You're going to have to select again while the EMTs tend to bachelor number one. Oh, well, that's a little disappointing. I still get to go to Waffle House, right? As long as you pick one of the remaining bachelors, you do. Good, then I pick bachelor number two. God damn it. He seems kind of cute and not anywhere as creepy as bachelor number three, number three is serial killer or something. Not that I have anything against serial killers. Of course, I love everyone, but I'm just wondering.
SARAH: I'm sorry. Based on what?
KAYLA: Just because we're an accountant?
SARAH: Bachelor number two started out so strong and then had a mighty fall when they talk about how their mom makes them dinner and they live in their mom's basement and they're not even like, yeah, it's like, they're not even self-aware about it. And we said that we'd go anywhere you want, Rita, on our second date. And we're an accountant with a steady job and we've known since we were young, we wanted to be an accountant because we have vision and drive and we did it. We just didn't know it would be at a bank.
KAYLA: Sorry, I have a stable job. We did. We lived our dreams. Sorry, my ex moved to Toledo.
SARAH: Don't say dreams plural. There was only one dream and that dream was to be an accountant.
KAYLA: You're right. You're right.
SARAH: Toledo
KAYLA: Okay. I have another game for us.
SARAH: Did number two not have like a stroke or something?
KAYLA: No, they made it, I guess, unfortunately.
SARAH: Do you think Sherm and Rita made it in the long run?
KAYLA: Well, her last question was how long do I have to stay with him at Waffle House to get you guys to pay for it? So.
SARAH: So, I'm going to guess no.
KAYLA: Okay. Now the year 1815.
SARAH: Oh, okay.
KAYLA: The location, London. It's our first season on the marriage mart.
SARAH: It's our first season on the marriage mart, those dumb Americans have been gone for a while, they're fighting the war of 1812. Actually, we're fighting the war of 1812 too.
KAYLA: Well, we're not because we're trying to get married.
SARAH: Right, we don't care about the war of 1812.
KAYLA: No
SARAH: It's definitely not called the war of 1812 yet. Okay. Also, the fact… how long was the war of 1812? It was several years. Continue.
KAYLA: I have absolutely no idea. Will we be all the rage and make a brilliant match?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: The choice is ours.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: This one is called ‘An Honorable Gentleman.’
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: Oh, this one has a much nicer like formatting.
SARAH: Do we know what month in 1815 it is? Because the war of 1812 ended February 17th, 1815.
KAYLA: I think the season is usually in the summer.
SARAH: Okay. So, the war...
KAYLA: Because that's when people go… Oh no, no, when did people like go to town? Was that the winter?
SARAH: I don't know. We're going to assume the war of 1812 is over.
KAYLA: No, no, no. I don't know.
SARAH: We're going to, okay. We're going to assume the war of 1812 is over, but like maybe the news hasn't made it back to London yet.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay. It just says London 1815.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: You have arrived from the country for your first season in London society.
SARAH: Oh no. We would know... Okay. The peace terms were agreed upon in December 1814, Treaty of Ghent
KAYLA: What time did like the social season start? Like what time of year? Because I think didn't rich families, they would go to their country houses in the summer. I don't think the season was in the winter.
SARAH: November to June.
KAYLA: Oh, long.
SARAH: Well, that's what the AI overview says. So, hold on. Let me get a real person.
KAYLA: In Bridgerton, it always seems rather springy. And in, I guess in Pride and Prejudice…
SARAH: Okay. This says May to August, and this is why we should never trust the AI overview.
KAYLA: May to August makes much more sense to me.
SARAH: Began with the sitting… that's just about Bridgerton.
KAYLA: Okay. Well, let's just say it's May. So where are we at with the war of 1812 then? If it's May of 1815.
SARAH: It's well over. The treaty has been signed and ratified. It's definitely done.
KAYLA: See, and that's good. Because that means the men are back from war and ready to court
SARAH: Right. I don't know that there were that... I think most of them, the militia... Oh wow. At the end of the war, they had 48,160 British troops.
KAYLA: Okay. May I continue?
SARAH: More of them died than I realized. I'm closing this tab.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: She's ready. You have arrived from the country for your first season in London society. You are from a noble, but impoverished family.
SARAH: Man. Sorry. Imagine…
KAYLA: Nooo
[00:30:00]
SARAH: You roll up to London for the first time and you're like, it smells like piss everywhere. Okay. Keep going.
KAYLA: Yeah. Your father caused a social scandal when he eloped with your mother, who was a low born country girl.
SARAH: Good for him.
KAYLA: His noble parents disowned him and he grew up happy but poor.
SARAH: Fuck them. Good for him.
KAYLA: Sadly, both your parents have now died.
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: And your father’s sister, Lady Wilde, has summoned you to London to find you a husband.
SARAH: Was it dysentery?
KAYLA: Probably.
SARAH: Oh, that's too bad.
KAYLA: You've arrived at your aunt's formidable townhouse. You are waiting in the dark splendor of the sitting room when a man walks in. He stops at the threshold and stares at you for a minute.
SARAH: Weird.
KAYLA: He is well-dressed and handsome with blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: He introduces himself as the honorable Adam Steeton.
SARAH: Stetin or Steeton?
KAYLA: S-T-E-E-T-O-N.
SARAH: Steeton. Okay.
KAYLA: Steeton. He says he has never seen someone so beautiful and asks you to take a turn about the garden with him.
SARAH: He's a goddamn liar.
KAYLA: Take his hand and go out to the garden, politely but firmly refuse him? We need a chaperone, I feel.
SARAH: Yeah, we politely but firmly refuse.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Also, when we take a turn about the room, it's always just to show off our ass.
KAYLA: Exactly
SARAH: And we're not that kind of girl.
KAYLA: No. We're demure. The door to the sitting room opens and in strides a haughty, patrician… patrician?
SARAH: Patricia. We're gay.
KAYLA: A haughty patrician looking woman who you have no difficulty recognizing as your aunt.
SARAH: Damn. I was hoping it would be gay.
KAYLA: Ugh. You drop into a low curtsy as she surveys you with just saying, aww. So, she says, here is my brother's ill-fated girl. Well, lift your head so I can look at you.
SARAH: Why does she care about finding a match for you if she doesn't fucking like you?
KAYLA: Because she wants to look like she's doing charity.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Hmm. Well, you have some character. I am sure we could find someone who can bear to marry you. This bitch. We should have gone out to the garden.
SARAH: It's like in Heathers. Mine also is probably in the movie, but I don't know the movie, I only know the musical where they're like, “well, your face is kind of symmetrical, if we split it down the middle with a meat cleaver, you would have two equal sides and that's good.” Like that's the vibe I'm getting here.
KAYLA: Yeah. I don't think we're going to like this aunt.
SARAH: No, I don't think so either. Can we call her Lady Catherine de Bourgh?
KAYLA: Yeah, we can. As she is saying that, the door is opened and the butler announces the Earl of Saltaire. Your aunt immediately brightens up and almost simpers as the Earl enters the room.
SARAH: Simpers? Is she… Maybe she should fuck the Earl.
KAYLA: He is tall and dark and undeniably handsome, but there is something reserved about him. Your aunt ignores you as she fawns over him. After she has left, she tells you he is the biggest prize on the marriage mart and is destined to marry her own daughter, your cousin Amelia.
SARAH: Do you usually pronounce it aunt or are you doing that because it seems fancy and British?
KAYLA: I think I'm being a little shy about my accent.
SARAH: Okay. So, do you usually say aunt?
KAYLA: No, I don't.
SARAH: Or you don't want to say… you don't want to get too.. I see.
KAYLA: I'm feeling a little shy. I'm feeling a little shy.
SARAH: I'm feeling a little shy.
KAYLA: I'm feeling a little shy. Your cousin Amelia is the meanest person you've ever met and this information makes you even less well-disposed to the Earl. You are cured by the fact that you will be going to your first ball tonight and go to get ready.
SARAH: Tits out.
KAYLA: To the ball.
SARAH: As Doechii doesn't actually say in her song, get your tits up.
KAYLA: She doesn't say that?
SARAH: No, she says, get your tits sucked.
KAYLA: Oh, well, hey, you know?
SARAH: You know.
KAYLA: You enter the ballroom and are greeted by a riot of colour and sound and color is spelled the British way.
SARAH: Colour. Yeah.
KAYLA: All of London society are there and there's barely room to move. Your aunt steers you and your cousin…
SARAH: It would be so hot in there. Oh my God.
KAYLA: True. It probably smells so stinky.
SARAH: Smells so bad
KAYLA: Your aunt steers you and your cousin to a quiet corner and tells you not to disgrace her.
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: Your cousin gives you a sly look and whispers that you look very out of place in your dowdy gown. Bitch.
SARAH: You look dowdy bitch.
KAYLA: You are very upset as you had dressed in your best outfit. You are about to leave to get some air when the Earl of Saltaire approaches at the same time as the honorable Mr. Steeton. They both ask you to dance. What do you do?
SARAH: Double fisting. You've been double fisted.
KAYLA: Okay. Do we dance with the Earl, Mr. Steeton or say we do not intend to dance at all?
SARAH: I would say I do not intend to dance at all. If we had to dance with one of them, I would say the Earl just to piss off my cousin.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And also, because there's something about the blonde hair, blue-eyed Steeton, there's something about that…
KAYLA: You think he's stinky?
SARAH: Yeah. It's off-putting to me.
KAYLA: Okay. We shall not be dancing. Oops, we lost. You spend the rest of the ball being overlooked and ignored. Word has gone around that you are a dull and prudish girl and no one is interested in making you an acquaintance. Your cousin spends the rest of the season telling everyone that you have no interest in fun or men and you go home alone at the end of the season and die an old maid.
SARAH: Wow. So, the point of this one is to try and win.
KAYLA: Well, most games are like that.
SARAH: Well, I thought… well, you should choose your own adventure. Like what could the adventure have been, you know?
KAYLA: No, that’s fair. Should we try to win?
SARAH: Yeah. Let's try to win.
KAYLA: Okay. We'll start over.
SARAH: Let's dance with the Earl.
KAYLA: Okay. Shall we make our same decisions and then dance with the Earl?
SARAH: Yeah. I forgot what the decisions were, but yeah.
KAYLA: Okay. Okay, we dance with the Earl. The Earl whisks you onto the floor and is very capable and elegant dancer. He is less severe when your aunt is not around and you feel curiously lightheaded after the dance.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: He stops to talk to you when your cousin approaches clearly jealous and says to the Earl that she is grateful that he has taken pity on her poor, ugly little cousin.
SARAH: Wow, that was rude.
KAYLA: Oh. Do you cry and run from the room, slap her hard in the face or say in a dignified manner that you enjoy the dance very much and don't see what looks have to do with anyone's enjoyment of the ball?
SARAH: I think we have to do the latter because we're trying to win.
KAYLA: Yeah. I would love to slap her though.
SARAH: Yeah. That'd be fun.
KAYLA: The Earl gives your cousin a look of contempt and then smiles at you.
SARAH: Fuck, yeah
KAYLA: “I entirely agree with your sentiments,” he says, “but your cousin is mistaken if she thinks that you will want for partners, I would rather dance with you than anyone else in the room and will do so again if you let me.” Shall we dance with the Earl or politely refuse?
SARAH: Sure. Let's dance again.
KAYLA: Dance with the Earl. You know what? I think we won. You and the Earl dance around the room as if you were the only ones in the crowded ballroom. He tells you that your cousin is mean-spirited and that he could not spend his life with someone like that.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: He had been persuaded that he should never meet anyone who he could spend his life with until he met you. You talk and talk and it feels as if you have known him forever and you are sure that you could trust him. In six short months, you are the Countess of Saltaire and the happiest of couples.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: If it's that short, can we just see what would happen if we pick the...
KAYLA: Yeah. I want to see what happens if we go to the...
SARAH: My brain is coming up with the worst things… My brain was like the Hitler Youth? No.
KAYLA: Let's go… I want to go to the garden with him in the beginning and see what happens. I feel like we're going to get in trouble.
SARAH: I forgot that that was even an option.
KAYLA: Yeah. We're going to go to the garden.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Ooh, Adam. You take Adam's hand and step into the garden. He is very funny. Sorry, I read too far. He is very funny and makes you laugh within minutes. He tells you that he is the nephew of your aunt's late husband, Lord Wilde, and has been visiting the old battle acts. He looks into your eyes and is about to kiss you. Do you let him kiss you or return to the house? Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.
SARAH: I guess we have to kiss, but he's so very forward. We just...
KAYLA: I know. We have to make all the bad decisions.
SARAH: Yeah. I know.
KAYLA: Oh man, we lost. The honorable Adam student kisses you like he means it and is the most... Sorry. I forgot how to read. The honorable Adam Steeton kisses you like he means it and it is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to you until you hear an outraged exclamation behind you and turn to find the imposing and Patricia figure of your aunt, Lady Wilde. She looks completely outraged. She refuses to let you into her house and says that she knew that there was a bad blood in the family and that she is not sorry you have ruined yourself. You are packed back into a life of obscurity and poverty in the country. And to make matters worse, the honorable gentleman winks at you as you leave. The rake.
SARAH: I mean, it sounds like he kind of wants to fuck on the low.
KAYLA: Yeah, definitely.
SARAH: So, what would happen if we denied the kiss?
KAYLA: Let's check. Okay, we go to the garden. We return to the house. The door to the sitting room opens and in strides your aunt. Okay, blah, blah, blah. You curtsy. She says mean things. Oh, that's just the same thing. And then we go to the ball.
SARAH: Yeah. But now we dance with Adam.
KAYLA: Now let's dance with him. Oh, I think he's always going to be sneaky. Okay, Mr. Steeton sweeps you off your feet and around the dance floor. Your heart beats uncontrollably and you feel like you could stay in his arms forever. At the end of the dance, he asks you to step outside and get some fresh air. You know that this is not appropriate behavior for a young lady at her first ball, but part of you is desperate to spend more time with him. Do you walk outside with him and throw caution to the wind or politely decline?
[00:40:00]
SARAH: Politely decline.
KAYLA: You spend the rest of the ball being overlooked and ignored, word has gotten around that you are dull and prudish.
SARAH: Damn. Okay.
KAYLA: What would happen if we went outside? Okay. Refuse, to the ball, Steeton, outside. You see, we lost again. Okay, so you can never win with this guy. The only option is to become the Countess.
SARAH: This is why I was wary of the blonde-haired blue-eyed guy. Because here's the thing, I also have blue eyes.
KAYLA: Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, I should have read.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: The dishonorable Mr. Steeton grabs your hand and pulls you out of the ballroom. He takes you into the garden and pulls you into a firm embrace. As he pulls away, you notice that everyone in the ballroom is looking outside at you both. It is the scandal of the season, and Mr. Steeton is forced to marry you, but does so with bad grace. You have a temptuous marriage full of passion, but he dies of dissipation. What is that? Dissipation? You are forced to go work as a governess to your cousin Amelia, now the Countess of Saltaire.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: And there begins a new story. Ooh, drama. Okay. Well, there you go.
SARAH: A descent and dissipated living. What is... He dies of... The process of gradually disappearing.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Dissipation.
KAYLA: Well, that's how he died.
SARAH: Cause of death.
KAYLA: I just don't know.
SARAH: That's definitely like an old-timey phrase, but like...
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: Like he just wasted away, I guess? Google's not Googling now.
KAYLA: That's sad for him.
SARAH: Well, the first response is from the NIH, and it's the pathophysiological mechanisms on the onset of death. So, I don't think that's going to help us.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: I think it just means that he wastes away. Maybe he drinks a lot.
KAYLA: RIP. RIP, sir.
SARAH: Really, though? Do we want him to rest in peace? I guess we fucked a lot and had a good time, but we hated him.
KAYLA: But at what cost, you know?
SARAH: Enemies to spouses, you know?
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Spouses to enemies. Enemies and spouses.
KAYLA: Enemies and spouses.
SARAH: Great.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Yep. Okay. That was it.
KAYLA: That was it. We won.
SARAH: Kayla, what's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Huh. Who would you…
SARAH: Oh, what I was going to say about the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Adam guy. I knew… okay, because I also have blue eyes. So like, if we have kids, then all of the kids would have blue eyes and like, oh, cool, they would have blue eyes. But like, what's the fun in the Punnett Square?
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: The fun of a Punnett Square…
KAYLA: That is the decision we should be making, is who can I have children with that would make the most interesting Punnett Square?
SARAH: Exactly.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's actually such a good point.
SARAH: And then it's like luck of the draw. And then you end up having four brown-eyed kids and then they resent you for not passing on your blue eyes.
KAYLA: I've done a Punnett Square with Dean and I and unfortunately, I don't think any of our children would have red hair.
SARAH: It usually skips generations.
KAYLA: Pretty tragic stuff.
SARAH: Which is why it's correct that my sister's dog and my cat are both gingered.
KAYLA: Right. Because it skips a generation.
SARAH: Because it skips generations.
KAYLA: Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Right.
SARAH: My mom was very excited when I was born because like, there was a little tiny… I had like no hair, but there was a little tiny, tiny bit of hair in the back of my hand that looked like it might be strawberry blonde. But yeah, I’m not a redhead.
KAYLA: Alas. Well.
SARAH: Sorry. Sorry, mom. It's your fault. It's your Punnett Square's fault. I guess it's my dad's fault.
KAYLA: Can I make a Punnett Square?
SARAH: But hey, I got blue eyes and neither of my parents have blue eyes. So that's the magic of genetics, baby.
KAYLA: Does your mailman have blue eyes?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Well. What? This is confusing. I just want to make a chill Punnett Square.
SARAH: Wait, can we... Let's do our Punnett Square together. Me and you. Like, mpreg.
KAYLA: I don't understand, they keep saying science words at me.
SARAH: Punnett. Square. Fill. In.
KAYLA: I'm so scared of all these words they're saying.
SARAH: Punnett Square calculator.
KAYLA: It's going to look crazy.
SARAH: This is too much math and science.
KAYLA: Thank you. This is what I said.
SARAH: Punnett. Square. Fill. In. Easy.
KAYLA: Make a simple Punnett Square.
SARAH: What will my children look like?
KAYLA: Baby steps with a Punnett Square.
SARAH: Making babies with Punnett Squares. Baby Maker web app.
KAYLA: See, that's a problem. I don't even know which of our traits are dominant and recessive.
SARAH: You have to guess. First up is your skin tone. Very light.
KAYLA: You have to guess.
SARAH: Next up is the shape of... Do I have a... I have a square face, right?
KAYLA: I thought you have a round face.
SARAH: I have round cheeks.
KAYLA: Um, let's bring it down to the bone. I don't know.
SARAH: I don't either. Kayla and I are both just stretching our skin.
KAYLA: Holding our skin back. I don't know, I feel like I have like a triangle face.
SARAH: Are my eyes round or wide? Wide.
KAYLA: Wide, I think.
SARAH: Yeah. Small, medium, or large? They're small.
KAYLA: Your eyes?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I'd give them a medium.
SARAH: Give them a medium? Okay. What color are your eyes?
KAYLA: Blue.
SARAH: Um, well, the options... The only option... Light blue or gray blue?
KAYLA: I can't see them very good from here, I'll be honest with you. Oops, here she comes. Oh, I'd say, um, blue.
SARAH: That's not an option.
KAYLA: I'd say they're blue.
SARAH: It says light blue or gray blue, those are the options.
KAYLA: I don't think you're gray.
SARAH: I guess I'm light blue. It's like more of like a... It's like a... There's some green to it, but it's not. My ears, are they long or round?
KAYLA: I can't see them.
SARAH: My ear lobes are free. My mouth? Medium.
KAYLA: It's there.
SARAH: Do I have dimples? No. My nose? Normal.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: Chin? Protruding.
KAYLA: Squishy.
SARAH: Chin dimple? No. Do you have freckles? Yes. Birthmark? I have kind of...
KAYLA: Like on your face or in general?
SARAH: On your face. On either side of your face.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: That's not how the question is phrased. I'm going to say no. Let's look at my hair. It's light brown. My eyebrows are fine. Are my eyebrows lighter or the same color or darker? They're lighter. Are my eyelashes long or short? They're long. Ha ha. I'm so sly.
KAYLA: Fuck you.
SARAH: My genome is...
KAYLA: Oh. Good job.
SARAH: Generate new baby. This baby’s generate... I'm just going to...
KAYLA: Generate what?
SARAH: I'm going to have to keep generating babies until I get one that looks kind of like you.
KAYLA: Wait. What are you doing?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: What's happening?
SARAH: That one. This is what you look like. I'm going to screen share. So, you just put in your genes and said make a baby? This is you.
KAYLA: Ew. What the fuck is that?
SARAH: Sorry. I just realized you can move the eyes
KAYLA: Its eyes follow the screen. You look bad.
SARAH: No. I don't want to do that. I'm bored. I give up.
KAYLA: Ew. That was scary. That baby had a completely square head.
SARAH: Yeah. I was a little scared.
KAYLA: It was just a cube.
SARAH: Sorry, what's our poll for this?
KAYLA: Anyway, what's your punnett square looking like these days?
SARAH: I just remembered again that couple that had the purebred wasian babies.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Because both of them were wasian.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: So, then their babies were purebred wasian and one of them looked mostly white and one of them looked mostly Asian and that's the magic of genetics.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Our poll for this week, would you dance with the Earl?
KAYLA: Such a good question.
SARAH: What was the first one we did? Oh…
KAYLA: The dating show
SARAH: Would you pick bachelor number three?
KAYLA: Oh yeah. Which bachelor would you choose? That's the good question. Which bachelor would you choose? Because it shouldn't be anyone but us.
SARAH: It should have been us. Because we're an accountant and we have a stable job and we have a dream. Just one.
KAYLA: Just one.
SARAH: Dream.
KAYLA: We have dream.
SARAH: There's a BTS song called ‘No More Dream.’
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And once we become accountant, then we have no more dream.
KAYLA: No more dream. Maybe that was her problem. Maybe she was like, your dream should be me. And it's like, no. We already did our dream.
SARAH: Maybe she's like that song and she says, don't dream it's over.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: So, Kayla, what's your juice and your beef for this week?
KAYLA: I just couldn't even begin to tell you all my beefs.
SARAH: Mm. Perhaps don't.
KAYLA: Mostly because most of them I can't legally say.
SARAH: Yeah, that'll do it.
KAYLA: So that will do it, won't it?
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: My juice is I went to a couple pride events recently. I went to the Boston Pops Pride Concert and Orville Peck was there.
SARAH: Ooh
KAYLA: He did half of the show.
[00:50:00]
SARAH: God, I always think he's the popcorn man. Orville Redenbacher.
KAYLA: Close. Close, close, close. But he was right… We were sitting in the front. The tickets were like so reasonable and he was right there and I did cry several times.
SARAH: Uh oh.
KAYLA: Uh oh.
SARAH: Hydration for the face.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm. And then yesterday, yesterday we went to the pride game at the Red Sox and they had a bunch of little flags out everywhere because you could, if you got like special tickets, you could go early.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: And there was a drag show and they had a bunch of little flags out and they had ace and aro flags.
SARAH: Hell, yeah
KAYLA: And I saw a couple of people with ace flags and someone DM'd me from our Instagram and was like, “I am also here.”
SARAH: Damn
KAYLA: And I was like, “no way, hello.”
SARAH: Kayla sent me a picture of her at this sporting event and it was for me lunchtime and I still had an entire half of a workday left.
KAYLA: To be fair, it was like early. Like we went there early.
SARAH: And I was like…
KAYLA: It was right after work for me. But yeah, I’m sorry about that.
SARAH: Lunchtime.
KAYLA: I ate a hot dog.
SARAH: I didn't eat a hot dog. I love a good hot dog, honestly.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I fuck with a good hot dog.
KAYLA: My friend Perry ate three or four last night.
SARAH: Four is too many.
KAYLA: Well…
SARAH: Three is plenty.
KAYLA: I'm sure you have… I don't know if everyone else has seen, if you follow me on Instagram, you'll see occasional updates on the hot dog count, some of my friends…
SARAH: Oh, the hot dog count. Were they trying to increase their hot dog count?
KAYLA: No. Because the thing… Okay. Here's the thing, everyone.
SARAH: How much does it cost to buy four hot dogs at the ballpark?
KAYLA: We're not going to think on that. But this is… Okay. Here's the thing. Several of my friends here in Boston eat a lot of hot dogs. And so, we… There was a disagreement about who was the hot dog guy.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. Hottiest dog.
KAYLA: The solution was to start a tally of how many hot dogs…
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Each person like in the friend group ate.
SARAH: Of course.
KAYLA: Right now, it's just a pure tally. But we are coming to find is that we need a better formula. So next year there's going to be a complete formula, where…
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: Because the tally… It doesn't really take into account... Like just the number of hot dogs doesn't really tell you who the hot dog guy is. You have to take into account…
SARAH: The size of the hot dog eater.
KAYLA: The size. You have to take into account how expensive the hot dog was. Because if you're spending like $20 on a hot dog, that's like some hot dog guy behavior.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: You have to take into account the venue because like a baseball park is a normal place to eat a hot dog.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Buying a pack of hot dogs and having them at home, that's hot dog guy behavior.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That should count extra. And so next year there's going to be a complete formula.
SARAH: Okay. That's pretty exciting.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I take it you're not going to create the formula because…
KAYLA: No. But I am like the presider. I'm like the…
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: What is the… What's it called? I'm like the commissioner.
SARAH: Okay. You're the commissioner of the hot dog count.
KAYLA: I am. So, I have to approve it.
SARAH: Okay. Cool.
KAYLA: But I will not be doing the math. Certainly.
SARAH: Certainly not. Yeah. I love a good hot dog. I didn't realize until I was at least in high school that hot dogs have beef in them even though most of them on the packaging says 100 percent beef.
KAYLA: That's the thing, you don't know what's in there.
SARAH: Yeah. That's the thing, like I don’t eat beef but I eat hot dogs and people are like, “but how!?”
KAYLA: I mean that's hardly beef. It’s really not.
SARAH: And I'm like, “it's the garbage beef, no one is killing a cow to make a hot dog.”
KAYLA: No that's… it's really… it's actually sustainable because it's the stuff they would waste anyway.
SARAH: Exactly.
KAYLA: So really, you're saving things
SARAH: Exactly.
KAYLA: So
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: So yeah, if you want updates on the hot dog tally you can follow me on Instagram, there's occasional updates. I'm at I think three point seven five for the year.
SARAH: Okay. Do better.
KAYLA: I would take a lot to catch up. So, I think I'm… get it? Catch up.
SARAH: Oh, okay. I think I've had more than three point seven five this year.
KAYLA: That's nice.
SARAH: I've had at least two at concerts. I think I had one at a soccer game. And I've probably had at least one at Shake Shack probably.
KAYLA: You like them all burnt and nasty, don't you?
SARAH: Yeah, but I will eat them if they're not.
KAYLA: Ugh
SARAH: I'm not like when I was a child.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Shake Shack has good hot dogs but you kind of got to get two, you know.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: Anyway, my beef… my juice is six of the seven members of BTS are out of the military, we're so close, we're so close. I'm going to a wedding this weekend and I'm going to see some friends that I have not seen in a long time and it will be fun.
KAYLA: My nephew went to his first wedding celebration last week and it was gay.
SARAH: Ooh. I saw pictures.
KAYLA: Which means his first wedding was gay
SARAH: Gay, nice
KAYLA: And he had a little rainbow onesie on.
SARAH: Nice. My beef… yeah, I'm just not going to… I don't want to think… I could easily come up with beef but like at what cost?
KAYLA: Yeah, there's a lot. Yeah.
SARAH: Itchy, I'm itchy. Kayla do not use the word itchy when you title the file this week because last week Kayla included the word itchy in the title of her file and I had to keep seeing it as I was editing and I couldn't stop thinking about how itchy I was because I had to continue seeing the word itchy. The hat just fell off of RJ, he's upset. Actually, I'm sorry, they're upset, RJ is non-binary.
KAYLA: I don't know what we're discussing
SARAH: RJ
KAYLA: Oh, our little gentleman
SARAH: Non-binary gentleman
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: All right. Sorry, I got to put their cowboy hat back on. Oh, my other my other juice is I got a very good boy paper the other day. I showed it to Kayla before this podcast.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your favorite boy paper or girl paper or non-binary paper. No, I'm sorry. Remember when you made paper?
KAYLA: That was an era, for sure.
SARAH: Yeah, that was an era. Okay, you can tell us… what?
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: I thought you were going to say… it sounded like you were about to say something
KAYLA: Nay
SARAH: Ooh, like a horse, you said, “nay.”
KAYLA: Wrap it up. Wrap it up.
SARAH: Social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you'd like to support us there for some reason. Our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Bronwyn Herron, Jiro the Wolf, Arctic Enby, Cinnamon Toast Punch, and Colleen Walsh. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are my aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher's Haven. Johanna who would like to promote… I think Johanna last we heard was still thinking about what they wanted to promote but I wrote, “thinking.” So, I'm going to say Johanna wants to promote thinking.
KAYLA: Nice, nice, nice, nice.
SARAH: Kayla's dad… we're in… it’s in deep decline; we really need to bring back thinking. Kayla's dad who would like to promote JandiCreations.com. Maff who would like to promote the Don't Should sweatshirt and Martin Chiesl who would like to promote his podcast ‘Everyone's Special and No One Is.’ Yeah, no, that's right, wow. Our other $10 patrons are Purple Hayes, Barefoot Backpacker, SongOStorm, Val, Alastor, Ani, Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Clare Olsen, Derick & Carissa, Elle Bitter and Eric. Our $15 patrons are Ace who would like to promote the writer Crystal Scherer, Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Kayla’s Aunt Nina who would like to promote katemaggartart.com and Schnell who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. Our $20 patrons are Dragonfly, Dr. Jacki, my mom and River who would like to promote someone telling me if I need to get a referral from my PCP to go to an allergist or a dermatologist for that matter…
KAYLA: That's a good question…
SARAH: I need to know…
KAYLA: I think it depends on your insurance.
SARAH: I know, I'm asking about my insurance.
KAYLA: Oh, oh, oh, oh, so sorry, so sorry, sorry.
SARAH: Yeah. I need to know, I'm constantly itchy.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's not good.
SARAH: And I think I'm allergic to allergy medicine.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears. But not the Sunday after that, probably.
KAYLA: Probably, who is to say? And until then, take good care of your cows.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]