Ep 399: Bachelor(ette) Parties
SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I'm Sarah, that's me.)
KAYLA: And a bi-demisexual girl (that's me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode: Bachelorette Parties.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pooooooood!
KAYLA: Hellooooooooooo!
SARAH: Hello! I hope everyone had a good weekend. Bet you didn't see as many whales as we did.
KAYLA: Girl, I don't think anyone has ever seen as many whales as we did.
SARAH: Can I tell you something? I texted you about this, but I don't think you saw it because it was followed by a bunch of other texts that you were too overwhelmed to look at.
KAYLA: Then probably… oh, is it about... I think I did see it, and then I became overwhelmed.
SARAH: Yes. So, at work, they were like, “how was your weekend? You went to a bachelorette party.” And I was saying, “well, we did. And I was like, “we saw so many fucking whales.” And my boss goes, “oh, you've never seen whales before?” And I go, “no.” And he goes, “oh, we see them all the time in Hawaii.”
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: To which I said, “okay, but we saw like 30 whales. Now you're trying to make me feel bad about my whales?”
KAYLA: We saw so many whales. We saw so many whales.
SARAH: I bet you didn't see as many whales as us. Everyone keeps being really confused, and they're like, “oh, when's the wedding?” And I'm like, “April.” They're like, “April!? Why is the bachelorette party in September!?”
KAYLA: For because… for because…
SARAH: For vibes. For vibes and fun.
KAYLA: For why not.
SARAH: Okay, housekeeping? No?
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: Okay. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week, in honor of my bachelorette party, which I guess is too early, we're talking about a bachelorette party.
SARAH: A bachelorette party.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I think we talked about this before. Have we done a whole episode on it? I have no idea.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: We're doing it again. In the car driving back from Cape Cod to Boston, we were sitting in a whole lot of traffic and rain.
KAYLA: Yeah, it was pretty bad.
SARAH: And the driver of the vehicle I was in asked me if me and you were going to talk about the bachelorette on the podcast this week. And I said… I like malfunctioned. And I said, “the bachelorette?” And she goes, “yeah, like the bachelorette party.” And I said, “oh, I thought you meant the television.”
KAYLA: The television show. Which we have talked about.
SARAH: I'm like, “but neither of us are actively watching it right now, I don't know what are you talking about.” She meant the weekend we had had.
KAYLA: This one.
SARAH: Yeah. That I was like, “the ABC competition dating show?”
KAYLA: I mean, we have talked about it.
SARAH: Yeah, but that's apparently what my brain does. Anyway, but I guess we are.
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: Well, I just have to say, Kayla, I'm so glad that at your bachelorette party, everything was dick-themed.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: We drank out of dick-themed straws and dick-themed cups.
KAYLA: Yeah, it was
SARAH: All of the pillowcases had dicks all over them.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: I did, at the airport, eat two hot dogs that did look a lot like dicks.
KAYLA: That looked… yeah, here's the thing, it is I think the whole weekend, you had the most dick experience than any of us.
SARAH: I think the most dick experience I had at the bachelorette weekend was when it was briefly alluded to when you were explaining the innies and outies group chats, I think that was it.
KAYLA: Yeah. I thought it was going to be when we saw drag queens.
SARAH: But no.
KAYLA: But there was no dicks there.
SARAH: No dicks at all.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Yeah. Okay, where shall we begin?
KAYLA: Well, I try… Okay, I guess if you live under a rock…
SARAH: As some do.
KAYLA: As some do. It is, a bachelorette party is what you do with… the bride does with the girlies before she gets married, and the men do a bachelor party.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. Also known in the UK as stag dos?
KAYLA: A stag do and a hen party.
SARAH: And a hen party
KAYLA: I don't know about all that.
SARAH: I feel like, historically, these were a lot closer to the wedding, but these days...
KAYLA: Yeah. So, I tried looking up like the history, and I'm just on Wikipedia, I'm sure there's more to be found, but Wikipedia seems to point to ... So, some people are saying the bachelorette party is modeled after stag night, which is historically a dinner given by the bridegroom to his friends shortly before the wedding. Some people are saying it evolved as a counterpart to other pre-wedding traditions, which they list as ribbon girl payoff, Bossolà, taking out, jumping the chanty, to name a few; I don't know what any of that means.
SARAH: We didn't jump over any chanties.
KAYLA: No. So, yeah, I think traditionally it was maybe like the night before the wedding…
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: It would be like a get together or whatever, but it has since evolved into a whole like weekend or a whole trip.
SARAH: Yes. It's interesting because I saw on Instagram someone I also know had their bachelorette party this past weekend; and based on the photos, the vibes of our bachelorette parties were very different. It seemed like they had the going out outfits and whatever. A lot of bachelorette parties, they make them do matching clothes or they're like, you need to have a clubbing outfit with this theme or wearing this color.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Or some of them get super-wild. I've never been to one of those and I hope to never go to one of those.
KAYLA: Yeah, I haven't either, the only bachelorette I've been to besides my own is my sister's, which was very chill.
SARAH: I've only been to yours and my sister's. I'm going to one next month, but it's also going to be very chill.
KAYLA: Yeah. Yeah, I was very going into planning my own bachelorette because I find the typical bachelorette to be very cringey. Like the very… like the sexualization of the whole thing, obviously shocking to no one, not of much interest to me.
SARAH: Well, because I think it's worth saying, especially because a lot of times it was like the night before.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Historically, there are like two different versions of this. One is your wedding night is you get to have sex for the first time, so, it's like, sending you off into that other world.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But also, and this was originally more for men, but I think now definitely is for women as well, in some cases, it is like, oh, you're about to be locked down, it’s the last night to be crazy and fuck around and whatever, because when you get married, you can't sleep around anymore.
KAYLA: Do that anymore, yeah. Yeah, I think definitely that was… it started as more of the man's thing of like, oh, your last set of freedom, we're going to like go to the strip club and we're going to get super sloppy, nasty drunk and whatever. But I do think that has transferred over to bachelorette parties a lot. I think especially younger brides, maybe…
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: I think we were joking over this past weekend and my sister was saying a couple of times… and I think she used the words like, “oh, getting married later in life…” And I was like, “yo, why would you say that to me1?”
SARAH: Yes, she did. And I was like, “that's crazy. Rachael!?”
KAYLA: “Why would you say that to me?” No shit, all of… but also, like…
SARAH: It was a crazy way to phrase it.
KAYLA: No! But just like, all of us are a little older, we're all tired, like a lot of our partying days have largely passed or are much more rare…
SARAH: Or they didn’t exist
KAYLA: Or they didn't exist. Like, some of our friends were discussing like, oh, yeah, I had thought about bringing my own pillow. And like, at different points of the weekend when someone like had a headache or a stomach ache, like five different people would whip out their first aid purse kits and be like, “do you want this or this or this?”
SARAH: Yeah, and be like, “do you need Tylenol? Do you need Ibuprofen?”
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Or like when people were having beef with the pillows at the Airbnb, they were like, if you get a towel and you roll it and put it under your neck…
KAYLA: And you roll it up…
SARAH: And then like five people did that, they were like spreading around tips about how to not get a crick in your neck.
KAYLA: Yeah, no, like, the cross ball was out, I was getting like migraine massages from my friend, like it was a whole… just a group of old people, which I, you know, was lovely and my vibe, so like that's what I wanted. But I think especially maybe with like younger people or people that are just more like party people, it is seen more as like, okay, when you get married, you have to put all of these things away or whatever. And so, it's one last night or weekend…
SARAH: You have to settle down; it’s one last hurrah.
KAYLA: Yeah. Which, much to think about…
[00:10:00]
SARAH: Much to unpack. I mean, I think that in and of itself is based in the patriarchy, like for women, especially being like, you have to be a perfect wife, you have to be a perfect mother. For men, it's just based on like, well, now you have to have your affairs in secret.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I mean, it's all just like patriarchy, misogyny, all of that bundled up. So, like, it's so silly to me when people still think of it as like, oh, the last hurrah. It's like, if you're in a good, healthy relationship and you like partying and being silly, as long as you're communicating with your spouse about it, like, there's no reason that that has to stop.
KAYLA: Yeah, you can still go out and party and be silly. Like it doesn't…
SARAH: And then if you have kids, then it becomes a little harder.
KAYLA: But you could still do it.
SARAH: Yeah, there are ways to make it possible.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: That are still responsible and still mean your children are well cared for and have positive parent figures in their lives and are not raised exclusively by a nanny.
KAYLA: Yeah, yeah.
SARAH: Rich people shit.
KAYLA: Rich people shit. Yeah, I mean, it's very like ball and chain and very… like, you're already just like hate your husband or your wife. Which, I don't know, I feel like there aren't as many stereotypes around that, around bachelorette parties, I feel like there's more stereotypes with bachelor parties…
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: Of like, oh man, that's like your last night of freedom, like this poor guy, blah, blah, blah.
SARAH: Well, you always hear about them going to like strip clubs and like having strippers and like whatever.
KAYLA: Wait, I don't know, you hear that about bachelorette parties too.
SARAH: Yes. I think it's more ingrained in the culture of a bachelor party than a bachelorette party.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair.
SARAH: I think, in my mind, a bachelorette party, there are a couple of different directions it can go. Whereas if you're thinking like a traditional bachelor party, it's just like that one road, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair.
SARAH: But yes. I mean, bachelorette parties, they also get like male strippers and they're like, ooh fun, we're in a party bus with a fake firefighter, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But also, I think just the implications of it, it just feels different when it's men, I don't know.
KAYLA: Yeah. I also just think it's so interesting that it is used as an excuse for that kind of thing. Like if you wanted to go out and like hire a male stripper, like go to a Chippendales or whatever, you can do…
SARAH: Yeah, you could just do that.
KAYLA: Like go girl. Like, do it. Great.
SARAH: Get those ones, get them ready to go.
KAYLA: Get those ones, like those are professionals, they probably work really hard on their dance moves, like yeah, go support them, whatever.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: But it's so interesting to me that the time it's like, okay, it's acceptable to do this...
SARAH: But you have to have an excuse
KAYLA: It's when you're right about to get married, which seems like the worst time to do it.
SARAH: It’s so strange
KAYLA: It's like that's your like excuse for like, okay, I'm going to be like really bad for this, like get it all out in one go. I don't know, it's like, I get it, but it also feels very ironic to me.
SARAH: Yeah. Like, I think strippers and dancers and people who work in those sorts of environments are very talented and they work very hard. And they… If you want to go see them, I don't think there should be any shame in that.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: As long as you're not like, being like… I mean… because then it gets into like sex work and then like the ethics of whatever and since things aren't regulated and blah, blah, blah.
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: But like if you're doing things… if you're just like going to the strip club and being like, “wow, great job, you have crazy leg strength.” You know?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like, I think that’s fine
KAYLA: Well, to me even if you are going for more like sexual reasons, whatever, like, as long… like, I follow a lot of sex workers and strippers on TikTok because I just find it fascinating. Like, it's just a world I know nothing about and I just like don't… And I find it so fascinating
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: And it's like, yeah, there are people going into these clubs to like live out some fantasies and like do some… whatever. And some people are really nasty and they don't follow the rules and that's not okay. But as long as you're going and following the rules of being respectful and paying and whatever, like go in there for whatever, you know
SARAH: And as long as you're not like blowing your child's college fund.
KAYLA: Sure, yeah, as long as you're being…
SARAH: Or cheating on your spouse.
KAYLA: Right, yeah, yeah.
SARAH: So, I don't know, I think there's a… what's it called? A thing when you're not supposed to do it.
KAYLA: What!? A stigma?
SARAH: Stigma. A stigma, that's the one.
KAYLA: That's crazy that I… that could have been anything.
SARAH: You're almost as good as my mom; my mom is quite good at figuring out what to say.
KAYLA: Julieee!
SARAH: I think there's a bit of like a stigma, a social stigma on going to like strip clubs and that sort of thing.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But then, as you said, it's suddenly fine, like, you have an excuse…
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: If it's a bachelor or a bachelorette party. And then because of that, a lot of times the theming of such parties ends up getting very sexualized, I think, hand in hand with that.
KAYLA: Yeah, which is like… I don't know, I think it makes sense for me, I guess, historically, why a bachelorette party would be themed so sexually, if you think about like, oh, it's like leading up to traditionally the first time you would have sex or whatever.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: But in today's context, I think it's just kind of like that doesn't really make sense anymore. But again, it's just like an excuse to do it.
SARAH: Yeah. Well, and that's what I was saying. Like there's two different versions of it. One of like, oh, you're about to have sex for the first time because you're going to be married. But then the other is, oh, you can't fuck around anymore because you're going to be married.
KAYLA: Right, yeah.
SARAH: It somehow embodies both of those realities in the way that it has evolved to be what it is.
KAYLA: Yeah. Which I… like, I don't know, I have very conflicting… like inner conflicting feelings about it, because I think, like I said, I find that whole stereotypical bachelorette party very like cringy. And when I was planning my bachelorette party, one of the things I was worried about is like, because when I see a bachelorette party out in public, the ones I really like are… like, sometimes in Boston, you'll see a bachelorette party and they're all dressed up as like powdered wigs.
SARAH: Yeah, something crazy. Characters, yeah.
KAYLA: Like something historical, like they look… or like they all are dressed up as like Pitbull. Or like I saw a bachelorette party once where they all were wearing like thrifted wedding dresses. Like, there is ones that are like very silly and fun that I'm always like, “hell, yeah.” And then there's others that are the very stereotypical like woo girls, just like, you know, all like screaming and being ridiculous in public and whatever. And I very specifically did not want to be that because I was like, that's embarrassing. And I was specifically worried because we went to a drag brunch and there is such a stereotype around bachelorette parties going to drag brunches and being really disrespectful and being like, voyeuristic isn't the right word, but being like a bunch of straight women entering a queer space just to like make kind of like a show of it.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And I was like, we are not doing that
SARAH: Like you're at a zoo, sort of thing.
KAYLA: Yes, yes. And I was like… I was really worried about that because I was like, I don't want to come off that way. And like, I knew that my bachelorette party was the vast majority queer people, but I was like, I don't know that that's going to read… whatever. But then it was… we went to brunch and one of the hosts who was like, I was obsessed with her, like did crowd work a little bit, and there was three different bachelorette parties…
SARAH: Her name was A Lady Named Carlos.
KAYLA: A Lady… yeah. I'm obsessed with her. And she like did crowd work. And we were one of three bachelorette parties. And she was walking around kind of like trying to guess the vibes of each party. And one, she clocked as like, okay, you're like marrying a man, but you have a couple of queer people here. And then the next one was like a table just full of every flavor of lesbian. And then she got to our table and she was like, “huh!?”
SARAH: “Huh!?”
KAYLA: “What have we here?” Because we had just every type of everything.
SARAH: All sorts of…
KAYLA: All sorts. But after she did her little crowd work, she was like, “you know, you guys are okay. A lot of bachelorette parties come in here and they're screaming and being crazy. And they're being bad and they're not tipping, but you guys are all right.” And I was like, “ah, we did it, we did it!”
SARAH: “Oh my God, I've been validated.”
KAYLA: Anyway, I feel conflicted about it because on the one hand, I'm like, oh, these like silly women making all of us women look bad; but on the other hand, it's like, well, now we're just like vilifying women for being women, you know
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, I'm like, I don't want to be a woman hater and be like, oh, you can't be sexual and you can't be like… being loud on the streets; like women should be allowed to be loud on the streets with their friends, you know
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Just because I personally… I mean, me too. So, like, I feel very conflicted about it because on one hand, I'm like, you guys are being so embarrassing. But on the other hand, it's like, well, maybe women are allowed to be embarrassing. You know?
SARAH: Yeah. And it's also like, the whole, like, I'm not like other girls is also pick me behavior.
KAYLA: I know that's what I…
SARAH: And being like, oh, these are other girls… Like, I'm not… like I'm not going to wear a cowboy hat and do a bachelorette party in Nashville. Like, okay, yeah, that's true, I'm not going to do that.
KAYLA: But you can
SARAH: But are they wrong for doing it?
KAYLA: Yeah. Just because it's cliche, it's like… yeah, that's the thing, I'm like, to me, I think you're cheesy.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But like, that's fine.
SARAH: As long as you're being respectful and not like causing problems.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like when I was in Ireland, I can't remember where we were, I think it was one of the first places we went to. It was not like a big city, it wasn't... we weren’t in Dublin. And we were walking around and there was a very loud group of women at a bar, in like the early afternoon…
[00:20:00]
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: And we were like, oh, that's a bachelorette party. And we looked in and they were all wearing pink cowboy hats. And we were like, that there is a bachelorette party.
KAYLA: That is a bachelorette party.
SARAH: But like, they were just having fun, like they weren't being disruptive. They were being loud, but they weren't being disruptive.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: They were just in their bar, having a good time, wearing their pink cowboy hats, I don’t know
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And they weren't even in Nashville.
KAYLA: That is so crazy. Yeah, that's the other thing, it is, there are certain locations now that are known as like bachelor or bachelorette destinations and Nashville is one of them.
SARAH: Phoenix, for some reason?
KAYLA: Really? I don't think I knew that.
SARAH: I don't know, I feel like I've heard many stories of people…
KAYLA: Interesting. I have a friend who has been to two in Nashville, I think. And the first one, she had a great time and she came back and she was like… it was like she came back from a study abroad. She was like, “I'm different.” Like, “I'm from Nashville.”
SARAH: “I’m a changed woman.”
KAYLA: It was so funny. And then the second time she went, it was a couple of years later. She was a couple of years older and she was like, “ah ah ah, I can't do that again.” She was like, “I just feel ill.”
SARAH: Well, but also about like the age of the bachelorette party, like, I think that matters, because like, as your sister was saying, “when you get married later in life…”
KAYLA: “When you get married later in life…”
SARAH: But like she was… we were just like talking about it. And there are people talking about how like… I think it was Rachel, who was saying that like she had been to bachelorette parties, people who got married much younger and then when they were at her bachelorette party, when she got married… how old was she? Around the same age as you are?
KAYLA: No, she was younger.
SARAH: Twenty-six? Twenty-seven?
KAYLA: She was maybe, I would say… yeah, twenty-seven, maybe
SARAH: Twenty-seven? And like she was saying that people at her bachelorette party were like marveling at how people were like helping clean up.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And like just like being adults about it, because, you know, they had their bachelorette parties at like twenty-two or twenty-three, it was a very different experience. And I do think like the age of the group really matters.
KAYLA: Yeah, it does
SARAH: I think also the age of the group, but specifically the age of the bride.
KAYLA: Yes. I mean, I also think that is… no matter what age Rachel got married at, like…
SARAH: That would have been the vibe at her party
KAYLA: Would have been the vibe, because she's not the type of person to have dramatic friends or whatever. But yeah, I mean, because you also hear all these stories about like being… huge drama happening at bachelorette parties.
SARAH: You always hear bachelorette parties on Normal Gossip…
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Because there's always shit going down at them.
KAYLA: Yeah, which…
SARAH: Friendships falling apart at bachelorette parties, like, it's crazy.
KAYLA: Yeah. But I think that is mostly a testament to people being young and super-drunk.
SARAH: Yeah. And also, just like not being prepared to plan something like that.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, it is… like, it's a group vacation, which it's not an easy thing to plan.
SARAH: Yeah. I was very grateful to have been a passenger princess at your bachelorette party.
KAYLA: Me too.
SARAH: And I was just like, “wow, cool. What are we doing now?”
KAYLA: Yeah, no, I didn't plan anything.
SARAH: Well, my sister's bachelorette party I did, for the most part, plan, but it was also the chillest fucking thing in the world. I mostly just got the Airbnb, got the dinner reservation and was like, “hey, guys, make a PowerPoint.” Like…
KAYLA: Anyway…
SARAH: That was basically all I did; and even that I found stressful.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: And my sister's… like, I did get help because my sister knew that like that is not necessarily my main skillset. But she was like, “okay, you can pull this off, you need to.” But it was just like, I think sometimes people are just not prepared or they're way too type B to pull that kind of thing off and then it ends up being a disaster because of it.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, you also think about if you're doing a heavy drinking type of bachelorette, but then you also have things planned, it's like no one is ready for a hangover…
SARAH: No
KAYLA: We have to be getting up early trying to move like 20 people from location A to location B. Like, it's just not going to…
SARAH: Yeah. Even at your bachelorette party, the people were like, “should I have one more drink?” “No, we're doing stuff tomorrow.”
KAYLA: I know. And everyone was like, “anyway.”
SARAH: How familiar are you with the modern-day bachelor party? Because I know Dean injured himself at a recent one. I don't know a lot of men…
KAYLA: Yeah, I'm…
SARAH: Certainly not a lot of men who are getting married.
KAYLA: I think Dean has been to only like one or two, maybe.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: And I have some other friends that have been to them. I would say the theme from the two bachelor parties that Dean and another friend have been to…
SARAH: Because theming seems very feminine, to be stereotypical.
KAYLA: Yeah. I think… I meant theme as more of like overarching things that happen.
SARAH: Oh. But I think theming for your bachelor party is stereotypically…
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Like boys don't get that… That's girly shit, that's girly shit
KAYLA: Which is so lame because I love a theme.
SARAH: Themes are fun.
KAYLA: But I guess there was kind of a theme… So, Dean went to a bachelor party a couple of weeks ago now and they ran…
SARAH: Ran a 5K
KAYLA: So, the theme was kind of like… it was like a competition almost. Like, people were broken up into teams and then… like, throughout the weekend, there were supposed to be like different challenges so they ran a 5K. I think at one point there was supposed to be like a…
SARAH: It was like Physical: 100
KAYLA: Kind of. I mean, at some point there was supposed to be like a chess tournament or something. At one point, it was described as like, okay, you're on a team, say of five and like each person in the team kind of has a different activity they compete in, like on behalf of the team.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: I don't know, they went ATVing in the sand, Dean rolled and basically dislocated his shoulder and like gouged a hole on his leg. And that was like on day one, but after they ran the 5K in the morning, so he didn't even get out of it.
SARAH: Yeah, that's tough
KAYLA: The other bachelor party that a friend of mine went to I know at one point they went out and just like shot guns, I don't think they actually went hunting but I remember when my friend was like helping plan it that the groom had wanted to go like bear hunting.
SARAH: Oh
KAYLA: I do know, not at the bachelor party, but the night before the wedding, the guys were like wrestling…
SARAH: That's not something to do before… the night before
KAYLA: And the best man, my friend, ended up like fucking up one of the other groomsmen's arm and so, they started calling him like the Bone Stretcher because he's like way stronger than you would think and he like… one of his friends was like trying to like come at him And he was like, “I'm going to fuck you up, you don't want this.” And then… so, he was like in a sling for the wedding.
SARAH: Oh my God!
KAYLA: So, the overarching themes I've seen are like various stereotypical man, not in like the sexual way, but in like the physically stupid way.
SARAH: Yeah. Like, proving your masculinity in ways that are impressive to no one, but other men who are around the same age as you.
KAYLA: Yeah. Which, again, like these aren't the youngest of men. Like these are guys… are like around our age, maybe like a year or two younger. And it just kind of feels like a lot of guys being dude shit. I do know that the bachelor party Dean was just that they did go to the casino. At one point, like four different times in one day, they were in like different casino trips
SARAH: What!? What!?
KAYLA: I don't know. And it definitely seemed like in certain areas, there was a lack of planning about like… at one point, they were just like walking to the casino on like a very not walkable route.
SARAH: Great
KAYLA: And then someone was driving who probably shouldn't have been driving.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: Or maybe… I don't know, I don't quite know the details, I don't want to be just like slandering people. But it did seem like there was a certain lack of planning. So, yeah, I don't know.
SARAH: I just Googled like ‘bachelor party ideas’ and then I had to add ‘men’ because it kept giving me bachelorette.
KAYLA: That's funny.
SARAH: No, this is from the stupid AI Google, whatever shit. The best bachelor party activities for men range from high adrenaline adventures and outdoor getaways to relaxed food and game nights tailored to the group's personality. It's interesting though that the first thing is like high adrenaline and action; outdoor adventure, go White-water rafting, rock climbing, ziplining or skydiving for major bucket list thrill. Target sports; head to a shooting range, play a competitive game of paintball, try axe throwing. The bachelorette party that I'm going to in October, the Airbnb, that I don't think we've booked it yet but I think we're going to go to, just has axe throwing just there.
KAYLA: Ah, okay!
SARAH: And I was like, “this is the best day of my life.”
KAYLA: Yeah, that's huge.
SARAH: Like, that's not… like, part of what we were going to do is just like chill at the Airbnb and enjoy the amenities because it has some sick amenities…
KAYLA: Noooooo! Stop liking someone else's bachelorette party more than mine.
SARAH: I didn't say I liked it more than mine. I'm just saying that part of what we're doing is chilling and that everyone else is going to be like, “wow, let me go for a swim.” And I'm going to be like, “let me throw an axe.”
KAYLA: “Let me throw an axe.”
SARAH: Anyway. Track day, rent go-karts and race your friends on a local outdoor or indoor track…
KAYLA: Track day?
SARAH: Camping, skeet shooting, escape room, okay, that's fun.
KAYLA: That's fun.
SARAH: Just chilling, fishing…
KAYLA: Eww
SARAH: Amusement park, that'll be fun.
KAYLA: Oh, my God, wait, that is fun.
SARAH: Top golf, golfing weekend.
[00:30:00]
KAYLA: It's because men need parallel play.
SARAH: Yeah. This person on Reddit says, “hold the blokes Olympics over the day, heading towards drinks and cards… tug of war, archery, football, kicking contest, throwing contest, whip cracking, trailer reversing contest, barbecue/spit…” that's not a competition. “Wood chopping, best card shuffle…”
KAYLA: See, that is the vibes, I think this bachelor party was going for but like went too extreme.
SARAH: Yeah, it's interesting that like for men, it's like, compete.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Whereas for women, it's like… it's more just like vibe and have fun, not to say that there aren't bachelor parties where men are just vibing and have fun because they certainly are. But it's like go to a strip club and shoot a deer.
KAYLA: Yeah. It feels extremely stereotypical for the men to be like compete and for the women's activities to be like coexist and…
SARAH: Work cooperatively
KAYLA: Work together, yeah. Like, it's just like... it's… yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. Also worth noting is that bachelor and bachelorette parties are still deeply gendered in terms of who is invited.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I think maybe for bachelorette parties, it's becoming more common to have men or if you're queer you're certainly going to have some friends who do not conform to the gender binary.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I think that's more common for women. But for men, I'll be honest, I wouldn't want to be the one woman in a bachelor party.
KAYLA: No, no. I have seen a growing trend of people combining their parties.
SARAH: They do it together, yeah.
KAYLA: I know… I think my cousin did that, they did like a combined one in Vegas, I think, because they had met and like lived in Vegas for a little bit. And we did briefly consider that, but the logistics of it were just too complicated.
SARAH: Well, when the queen was talking to the gay bachelorette party, the lesbians, she was like, “is the person you're marrying here?” Because, who knows?
KAYLA: Why not?
SARAH: She wasn't, but…
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah, my sister did her separately from her wife's. Her wife did like a… in a big barn, they did like a murder mystery party, I think
KAYLA: Oh, that's fun.
SARAH: I don't know what else, I wasn't there.
KAYLA: Mm. But I think the combined one makes sense to me. I think especially for people getting married later in life, who have more combined friend groups.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like, I think that it definitely makes sense and then it's just like a party.
SARAH: Yeah. And I think that's also a sign of like a good and trusting relationship. Not to say that if you have it separately you don't have a good and trusting relationship. But like the fact that you don't feel the need to separate so that like you can go off to separate strip clubs.
KAYLA: Yeah, do your secret, yeah
SARAH: Like you're just like hanging out and having a good time.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah, I don't know, it's interesting. Let me let me look up, ‘bachelorette party ideas.’ Popular themes, retro disco, Mamma Mia, Tropical Beach, creative workshops, book a private craft class…
KAYLA: That is so crazy
SARAH: Low key wellness, rent a scenic cabin, foodie experiences, plan a private chef dinner. Yeah, these are all… it's…
KAYLA: Played nicely together.
SARAH: Winery or brewery hopping. Like, the party of the bachelorette party that happened this past weekend of this person that I know on Instagram, they were in Traverse City in Michigan so they were going like to wineries.
KAYLA: That's what we did…
SARAH: And I like… because there's one spot where everyone takes a picture where I have also taken a picture.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: At this one winery in Traverse City. And I was like, “yep, there they are. “
KAYLA: That's what we did for my sisters, we didn't go into Traverse City, we went to… it starts with an L, I think. I don't know, it's in the wine country up there. And yeah, we just had a big Airbnb and then we went wine tasting the one day.
SARAH: Yeah. Cooking class, painting; we painted things.
KAYLA: We did paint very good things.
SARAH: Farm with baby goats. One of the activities we're considering doing for the bachelorette party I'm going to next month is Golden Retriever Farm.
KAYLA: That is…
SARAH: And by that, it's not a place where they farm golden retrievers…
KAYLA: I didn’t think so
SARAH: It's a farm that has golden retrievers.
KAYLA: One of my friends is a big horse girl, it's like kind of a meme, but also kind of not. And she has mentioned… she's not even engaged, but one day doing a dude ranch bachelorette. And I am really hoping that that happens, because I think that would be so fun.
SARAH: This person said that they went to an adult summer camp.
KAYLA: See? My dream.
SARAH: They didn't have to plan anything.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's so fun.
SARAH: Yeah. A lot of the… it's like relaxing, maybe going clubbing once or twice, doing crafts.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And then men it's like…
KAYLA: Kill somebody
SARAH: Fight each other to the death in a ring.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Anyway. What do you think is the worst theme for a bachelorette party? Dicks.
KAYLA: Dicks.
SARAH: Aside from dicks, vagina. Outside of genitalia, what is the worst theme for a bachelorette party?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Like the whole like ball and chain.
KAYLA: That's not really a theme, though.
SARAH: I could see someone really going ham with it.
KAYLA: Yeah, maybe.
SARAH: Tell the kids what your theme was.
KAYLA: My theme was mermaids.
SARAH: Mm hmm. And when we went to drag brunch, everyone was dressed in very fun mermaid dresses, and I was wearing a Hawaiian shirt with my sister's dog's face on it.
KAYLA: I think it was very fitting and good.
SARAH: It was very fitting, but it was silly.
KAYLA: It was silly.
SARAH: Are there any that you just… are like overdone?
KAYLA: I mean, I think like the cowboy or like cowgirl
SARAH: Yeah. Like if that's not your actual vibe…
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: A lot of it, I think, is like people trying to be like fake country, like…
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, I also think… this is something I was thinking about earlier, but then we just got off topic or whatever, as I think… when you were talking about like the matching outfits and everything, I feel like I've seen a lot of trends about that. I'm like, okay, night one, we all wear black and she wears white. And then night two, we all wear pink. And then night three, whatever. And I think a lot of those things are also just born of social media and trends. And it has made making a very like Instagrammable or TikTokable bachelorette party more of a thing that you have, like, you need the photo ops and you need the outfits and you need the… whatever. Like, it has also just made…
SARAH: It's something that you present to the outside world rather than something that you just enjoy with the people that you care about.
KAYLA: Yeah, which I think makes a lot of bachelorette parties seem a lot more similar if people are just like following those kinds of trends.
SARAH: Yeah. I also think just it makes them a lot more expensive too.
KAYLA: Oh, yeah.
SARAH: I think a lot of a lot of the drama that you hear about bachelorette parties is about…
KAYLA: How expensive they are
SARAH: How expensive they are. And the bride or whoever is planning the party not taking into consideration the…
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Which I… it's difficult if like
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It’s like, if there's a difference in the tax bracket of the people who are at your bachelorette party. Like my sister’s, like there were people at her bachelorette party that were grown and married, and I think one of them already had a kid at that point. And then also my cousins who were still in college. Like, you know, you have to account for that.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But also, if you have really, really rich friends, just be like, hey, can you just pay? Like it's a drop in the bucket for you and home dog is living paycheck to paycheck over here. So, like…
KAYLA: Yeah, let’s just…
SARAH: And that's where a lot of the drama comes from, where like, rich people are like, “we're going to do this, but I'm not going to cover the people who can't.” But yeah, I think the Instagramification of everything also is just making it so much more expensive because you have to go to the picturesque places, you have to have the champagne, you have to have the outfits, the dresses for every day, you have to buy new stuff for it; you can't be wearing an outfit you've worn and shown on the Internet before. Et cetera, et cetera.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Anything else to add? Do you think that… I think one of the best things about bachelorette parties is that you just get to… one of the things that I like the most about weddings, which is like you just get to gather all the people you care about and then do something fun. And like, it's your bachelorette party so like they have to make an effort to actually be there.
KAYLA: Yeah, yeah, that’s true
SARAH: You know, because like, in theory, it's only going to happen once.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I do think that people who don't want to get married or don't want to have a big rigmarole of their wedding or any of that sort of thing, there is like missing out on just the experience to like force your friends to come.
KAYLA: Yeah. No, I think…
SARAH: To come do this thing
KAYLA: I think that's very true
SARAH: Like it is fun being able to like spend time with your friends. Like, I didn't already know all of the people who were at your bachelorette party, and I still had a great time.
KAYLA: Yeah,
SARAH: I'm like, “wow, cool. All of Kayla's friends are cool. Who would have thought?”
KAYLA: Who would have thought? Yeah, I mean, I was thinking about that, I have thought about that with the wedding specifically, it is like with the wedding… and we've talked about this before, but like with the wedding, it's like, okay, you have to come. And like, obviously, not everyone is going to make the trip or whatever. But there is the added pressure of like, this is something that you should do.
SARAH: Like this is the opportunity. Yeah, if you're going to miss, you're going to miss this big life event of mine, so
KAYLA: Yeah. And for people who don't have weddings or do things like that, it's like, okay, what is the equivalent event for that? Like, how do you manufacture a similar experience to that? And there's, you know, like certain things like a graduation maybe or something like that. But a lot of times they just don't have the same like social necessity, I guess, that people don't feel that same requirement
[00:40:00]
SARAH: People don't feel the obligation.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Which like, I don't want you to come to something just because you feel obligated, but also, I do.
KAYLA: But also, yeah, it would be nice.
SARAH: Yeah, I think that's why like for me, as I've like joked about, like having like a big gigantic not 30th birthday party anymore because that's too soon and I'm not prepared.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But if I if I do at some point, like a big birthday party, I am going to say on the invitations, ‘this is the equivalent of my wedding.’
KAYLA: Yeah, you will be coming.
SARAH: If you would put in effort to come to my wedding, you will put in effort to come to this.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Which, I mean, it sucks that you have to equate it to that. Like that those who aren't getting married can't just be like, hey, this is important to me
KAYLA: Hey, this is... yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. But alas.
KAYLA: Indeed.
SARAH: Well, and like at the bachelor party, like at the end, we were like, “oh, it's so sad that we won't be seeing each other.” And we were like, “no, we're going to all see each other at the wedding.”
KAYLA: At the wedding. I know. I didn't think about that until like literally the day after. I was like, “wait, again!”
SARAH: “Again!”
KAYLA: “Yay.”
SARAH: So, that's all.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: What's our poll for this week? I would like to hear about people's bachelor and bachelorette party experiences.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: I want to know what is standard in your culture and your social circles. If you've had like a bachelor party from hell story, I want to hear it.
KAYLA: Yeah. I also…. I'm very interested in hearing about like the aspec perspective at bachelor and bachelorette parties too, because I feel like mine was very aspec-friendly, given that like half-ish of the people there were aspec in some way.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: But also, imagine like if you're an aspec at one of those like super-sexual ones or like those are the people you're friends with and it's like, well, I have to do it, you know. Like, it's tough.
SARAH: Yeah, especially if you're like younger, because like at this point in my life, I'm like, I'm not friends with anyone who would invite me to their bachelorette party who would throw that kind of thing. But especially when you're younger, you might have those relationships.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And if I were for some reason invited to a bachelorette party that I knew was going to be like that, I would be uncomfortable about it.
KAYLA: Yeah. Yeah.
SARAH: So, you know.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Kayla?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: What’s your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: Um, my beef is that people out there are just being so crazy.
SARAH: Hmm.
KAYLA: What are you doing?
SARAH: What are you doing?
KAYLA: What are you doing? My juice is that my bachelorette party was so good and we saw so many whales.
SARAH: We saw a lot of whales.
KAYLA: And Sarah and some of my other friends conspired to get me the silliest gift.
SARAH: Yes, we did.
KAYLA: I have now a bust of Mr. Darcy in my house, and it's very heavy.
SARAH: Mm hmm, it's robust. It's robust!
KAYLA: It’s robust! A fully stoned situation, he's just sitting there looking at me right now.
SARAH: Mm hmm. He came from Turkey.
KAYLA: He came from Turkey just for me.
SARAH: And I shipped him to… of the two other people I conspired with, two of us live at various places on the West Coast and the other one lived in Boston. And I said, “hey, excuse me, can I please ship it to your friend who lives in Boston so that we don't have to fly it across the country?”
KAYLA: Yeah. Who then proceeded to not open it.
SARAH: That was crazy; I didn't think she would do that.
KAYLA: What's funny is that when we… because she drove in my car up there and she like had this box…
SARAH: It’s a pretty big box
KAYLA: And was like, “oh, I need to put this in it too.” And I was like, “ooh, what's that?” She was like, “it's a secret.” Blah, blah, blah. And on the box, it like said ‘fragile.’ And we were like trying to pack the car and fit everything. And she was like, “oh, we could just put this here, I don't think it's actually as fragile as it says it is.” whatever.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And then later I was like, “that was such a crazy thing to say.” And she was like, “yeah, I really should have opened it, it could have broken.” I was just like, “wow, that's crazy.”
SARAH: Incredible. And we didn't even have to do an improvised dance to distract you when it was being opened
KAYLA: I wish you had, I do wish you had.
SARAH: Sorry, next time. Great, is that everything?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: My beef is being tired, sleepy tired and being too busy. There's too much happening and it is sleepy time. My juice, the bachelorette party was good. I'm seeing Sarah Fimm tomorrow; that's a gravy because there's too much happening tomorrow, but I am brave. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your bachelor or bachelorette or bachelor… genderless party experiences on social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you'd like to support us there. Our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Tall_Darryl, Tom S, Tanner Shioshita, Vince Terranova, Vishakh and vocalanesthesia. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Sydney Price, who would like to promote their Instagram @sydneyxprice. And Val, who would like to promote… I had never been to Provincetown or Cape Cod at all before, and it was good.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: That's what Val would like to promote.
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: Alastor, who would like to promote the podcast 'Shadows and Shenanigans'. Ani, who would like to promote the importance of being kind to yourself and others. And Arcnes, who would like to promote the Trevor Project. Our $15 patrons are Ace, who would like to promote the writer Crystal Scherer. Nathaniel White, who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com. Kayla’s aunt Nina, who would like to promote katemaggartart.com. And Schnell who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. And sometimes that means that they want to do a bachelorette party that is cowgirl-themed in Nashville, and that's okay.
KAYLA: And that's okay.
SARAH: As long as they're not mean or bad about it.
KAYLA: Or like throwing things off roofs; because sometimes people are doing that.
SARAH: Right, yeah. Our $20 patrons are Changeling & Alex who would like to promote their company Control Alt Access (dot com). And Jacki, Dragonfly, my mom and River, who would like to promote whale conservation. Do it for our naturalist Sophie.
KAYLA: I would like to promote… What was the what was the company? Dolphin Fleet.
SARAH: Dolphin Fleet, I think. Dolphin Fleet…
KAYLA: Yes, Dolphin Fleet Whale Watching.
SARAH: Dolphin Fleet Whale Watch, yeah.
KAYLA: Out of Provincetown, Massachusetts. Bitch, excellent!
SARAH: They were great. I fucking love Sophie, our naturalist Sophie.
KAYLA: Sophie, our naturalist, had the most beautiful British accent and was saying things that made me feel like I was in a National Geographic, talk about it, it was truly a dream.
SARAH: I'm so glad that I have so many of them on video because she was saying just iconic things.
KAYLA: Yeah. I'm going to compile… once Sarah sends her videos to the thing…
SARAH: Hee heee!
KAYLA: I want to be editing a video together because there were just so many silly things that were happening the whole time.
SARAH: Yeah. And Sophie is an icon. And I'm looking on their website. Wow, these are some crazy pictures that some people got with whales. We didn't get that, but did they see as many whales as us? No.
KAYLA: Probably not.
SARAH: Definitely not. Okay, that was the end, right?
KAYLA: It must be
SARAH: Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your whales.
SARAH: Yes, the cows of the sea.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: Sort of. Aren't the real cows of the sea manatees?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: We didn't see any of those.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: But we saw humpback whales.
KAYLA: And a dolphin.
SARAH: Well, many dolphins, not just one.
KAYLA: Yeah, not one dolphin.
SARAH: Goodbye.
KAYLA: Bye.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]