Ep 284: This Author Loves Butch Orcs

[00:00:00]

SARAH: Hey, what's up, hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast for an aroace girl I’m Sarah that's me

KAYLA: And a bi-demisexual girl, that's me Kayla 

SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand 

KAYLA: On today's episode, a podcast episode 

BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay

[Intro Music] 

SARAH: Welcome back to the pod 

KAYLA: Y'all, it's a wonder that we're here at this time 

SARAH: It's truly a miracle. Kayla could be dead from… 

KAYLA: No, we can't, see, you have to take that out. I can't… actually just Kayla could be *beep*

SARAH: We just had to censor that on account of… hope this helps 

KAYLA: Hope this helps, uh, yeah I’m not going to get too into it for reasons but I’m currently in a hotel because my house became uninhabitable for a short period of time 

SARAH: Slay 

KAYLA: So, I’m living in a La Quinta hotel 

SARAH: La Quinta 

KAYLA: Back to my roots of hotel living 

SARAH: Mm-hmm 

KAYLA: Um, my cat hotel… 

SARAH: Hotel podding

KAYLA: Hotel podding 

SARAH: You just… Kayla let me… let me just tell you, let me tell you what just happened, Kayla picked up one cat to remove her from the area of the computer and she placed that cat directly onto the other cat instigating a cat fight 

KAYLA: I didn't… I didn't realize the other cat was there and then there was nowhere else to go 

SARAH: And then they were fighting 

KAYLA: And then they… it was… it's… she's fine. I also um… so yeah currently living in a hotel dealing with beep um 

SARAH: I’ll leave your beep for that 

KAYLA: Yeah, thank you. Uh, I have some sickly family members everyone is fine but like not good you know 

SARAH: Mm-hmm 

KAYLA: Uh pinched a nerve in my elbow

SARAH: How? 

KAYLA: Or at least like I- okay so I like I don't I didn't do anything we think… 

SARAH: Just sick 

KAYLA: I was talking to my… I was just talking to my sister about it but I already have like a lot of like tension built up in my neck so we think just because like I’m stressed it's just like… so like I’m fine but like my hand is a little bit tingly and like feels like my arm is a little bit stiff notably this is how my mom felt in her arm before it got fucked up and she had to get spine surgery so I’m a little freaked out that's… 

SARAH: Oh, cool

KAYLA: Okay. Um, what else is happening? I guess that's it for me 

SARAH: I mean comparatively I’m doing great. My back is fucked up 

KAYLA: Sure 

SARAH: Um, I also have a sickly family member who is fine as far as I know 

KAYLA: Ooh 

SARAH: Anyway, back to the non-censored podcast um let's do some housekeeping 

KAYLA: Okay, also by the way there's no topic this week, we're just… 

SARAH: Well, we're going to get that when I ask you what are we talking about this week, then you say nothing

KAYLA: Oh sorry, just bleep that out 

SARAH: No, that's too much 

KAYLA: What if the whole… 

SARAH: Just one long bleep

KAYLA: This is way too much work for you I know you're not going to do it but it'd be really funny if it was a different beep every time, if it was a different flavor 

SARAH: I would rather shoot myself to the moon… 

KAYLA: I know 

SARAH: In a Campbell's soup can 

KAYLA: But imagine… just imagine like everyone pretend that's what's happening because it would be fun 

SARAH: Yeah, like one of them just sounds like a gobbling turkey 

KAYLA: Just like a… 

SARAH: Yeah, and then one of them is a DJ Khaled another one 

KAYLA: Yes perfect 

SARAH: Anyway

KAYLA: So, imagine that's what's happening 

SARAH: Yeah, so my housekeeping is I hope you all enjoyed our audiobook episode last week

KAYLA: Mm-hmm 

SARAH: Our audiobook continues to be for sale, our book in book form and also in digital book form continues to be for sale, I hope you've been enjoying it and you know what's a really good Christmas gift… 

KAYLA: True

SARAH: Or Hanukkah gift or I don't know if they give gifts for Kwanzaa but if not this is a great place to start, are there any Muslim holidays around this time of year? 

KAYLA: Um, I feel like no but I’m not sure 

SARAH: I feel like no also, let me just check, for good measure I’m also going to do a check for Hindu holidays 

KAYLA: Mm good, I don't think there's any of those either 

SARAH: Yeah, okay there aren't…. there are no Islamic holidays around December this year, um Hindu festival okay I don't think World’s AIDS day is just a Hindu thing this… excuse me website 

KAYLA: I hope not 

SARAH: Excuse me website. Oh there's Pancha Ganapati, oh my god, okay wait list of multinational festivals and hospitals, hospitals? what? holidays they have… but I want them in… I want them in the winter time 

KAYLA: This is riveting stuff 

SARAH: That's really really really good, it is a modern Hindu festival it is a modern Hindu… it is a modern Hindu festival honoring the Five-Faced, Maha Ganapati, Lord of Categories. It falls during the 30 days of the ancient Markali Pillaiyar… I’m so sorry, I’m butchering this

KAYLA: Are we doing this?

SARAH: Anyway, it lasts for five days, between December 21st through 25th. I’m not sure…

KAYLA: That’s nice

SARAH: I’m not sure if that is a gift giving holiday either but all this to say it our book is a great gift to give

KAYLA: Our book it is for sale that's a great gift to give soundsfakepod.com/book 

SARAH: Perhaps it's also a great gift to ask for if your family does a book exchange, my family does a book exchange 

KAYLA: My family is doing a book exchange this year and I literally was like so who wants the link to my book I assume that's what we're all getting each other this year and everyone said ha ha ha and I said I’m not laughing 

SARAH: Yeah, it's great for a book exchange especially if you… because you want to keep your own copy right so you can get another copy for the book exchange and everyone's… 

KAYLA: And that's how we get… 

SARAH: Everyone's going to be clamoring to get that SFBO book, they're going to be like “I want this one” 

KAYLA: See, well it's hard about… so our family gift exchange we've done it for several years now we're like each person… it's like a secret Santa but it's like not a secret so it's like the adults like aunts and uncles and grandparents do one together and the cousins do one together so like we pull names out of a hat and it's like okay you're buying for this person this person's buying for you blah blah blah and this year is the first time it's specifically book themed so it's not like you have to get a book for a specific person…

SARAH: That's hard 

KAYLA: I’m getting a book for my youngest cousin who I’m like I don't think he like recreationally reads it’s like he's in college he doesn't have time for that 

SARAH: Who has time for that? Who has time for a recreational read? My family does it like uh I’ve never actually participated because it stresses me out because what if I get a bad book um 

KAYLA: Yeah, nothing to do about that 

SARAH: Um, my family does it where everyone brings a book and they wrap it and then you like draw numbers and then you get a book or you can steal someone else's book 

KAYLA: It's like a white elephant 

SARAH: It's like white elephant but books 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: And um there's been a book that's been resubmitted every year for like five or six years and it's called “How Not To Be A Dick” um and it's always like who's going to get the dick book this year?

KAYLA: When we used to do… we used to do white elephant with my like extended, extended family like second cousins and shit like that and there were these little plush like cavemen dolls but that were like clearly like 30-plus years old and there was a man and a woman and they had like this long nasty hair and you would lift the hair up and the man had a little penis 

SARAH: Oh, no

KAYLA: And the lady had little boobs and those were um submitted every year to the white elephant

SARAH: A classic 

KAYLA: They're pretty silly 

SARAH: Anyway, gift our book, ask for our book, even if you're not celebrating a winter holiday which I know a lot of people celebrate Christmas in a wildly secular way because let's be real, Jesus was probably born in the spring 

KAYLA: He was and also… I saw a really interesting point today that he was probably just like an alien 

SARAH: Oh 

KAYLA: That like came did his magic and left 

SARAH: I was listening to last week's Normal Gossip and they were like, what's the spookiest holiday? And I was like Easter 

KAYLA: Easter 

SARAH: What could be more spooky than a man returning from the dead? 

KAYLA: And from like a closed cave nonetheless 

SARAH: Yeah, he like bodied that rock out of that cave 

KAYLA: I’m telling you that's some alien shit 

SARAH: Anyway, buy our book. Kayla, what are we talking about this week? 

KAYLA: Nothing 

SARAH: Nothing 

KAYLA: Our other housekeeping is um Spotify wrapped came out this week 

SARAH: Oh yeah 

KAYLA: And a lot of very lovely people have been tagging us, there's like a couple people they're like top 1% fans and I’m like damn 

SARAH: One of my Twitter mutuals was like, “hey, you're my number one podcast” I was like that's so cute 

[00:10:00]

KAYLA: So, sweet

SARAH: I love my fans but also you know how like you know how like Spotify like artists will have like a thank you video 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: I was like why didn't Spotify reach out to me to do like a thank you video for my top listeners 

KAYLA: Yeah, I was actually thinking about that because we have like… it's like a portal to Spotify, like Spotify for podcasters, it's like we can look at the statistics or whatever 

SARAH: And by we she means Kayla 

KAYLA: Me, me, it is connected to my Spotify account, so you can't even get in, um but there was nothing… it didn't say anything 

SARAH: Oh man, also I just realized we have a third housekeeping

KAYLA: Okay 

SARAH:  So, we're here this week… we're here next week and then we go on winter break 

KAYLA: And then we're gone 

SARAH: When are we coming back? We actually haven't discussed that 

KAYLA: I don't know, when did we come back last year? 

SARAH: Is this a month-long thing? 

KAYLA: I don't… because remember… I remember the past couple of years the same podcast one year apart has been the last episode of the year. I don’t remember… 

SARAH: Yeah, well don't fucking spoil dude 

KAYLA: They should know, the real ones know, 90s kids remember, but I don't remember when we came back 

SARAH: So, episode on the 3rd episode, on the 10th, then we do one, two, three, four we return January 14th 

KAYLA: Slay, so that's like… yeah, a month, so good fucking luck, what are you going to do? what are you going to do without us, cry? 

SARAH: So, yeah, we'll be here this week, we'll be here next week with just probably poor, poor-quality content these next two weeks and then you'll get a whole month off of us so you can…

KAYLA: No, next week will be good 

SARAH: It could be… it could be good, but it's… I’m more so thinking then you'll have like a month to reevaluate and be like wow, I miss them so much and then you like you'll forget how bad the content 

KAYLA: How bad? No, but next week is going to be good 

SARAH: Next week will be good, next week will be good but this week will be bad because as we mentioned this is not a linear podcast at all, as we mentioned. 

KAYLA: I thought of another housekeeping 

SARAH: Frog in my throat what's the… what's the other housekeeping? 

KAYLA: That if as long as you're asking for things for holiday time we have… 

SARAH: Merch 

KAYLA: Merch, yeah 

SARAH: Merch 

KAYLA: Yeah, so, get that 

SARAH: Soundsfakepod.com/store

KAYLA: Shop 

SARAH: Shop? 

KAYLA: I think 

SARAH: Try one of them 

KAYLA: Because on the website it's up there 

SARAH: It's right up there, you click on it 

KAYLA: Who gives a shit? 

SARAH: Anyway… 

KAYLA: Lol 

SARAH: So, what we're talking about this week is nothing um some of you are going to love this episode some of you are going to hate it and you know what I respect that you can leave if you want… 

KAYLA: I feel like

SARAH: If you're still here and you want to leave, why haven't you left yet? 

KAYLA: I feel like they're going to like it people like the chaos from what I understand 

SARAH: Silly billies 

KAYLA: Um, I did what… so Sarah had to leave the call for a second earlier because she had to restart her computer so I was on the TikTok and I found some raging hot Golden Bachelor tea 

SARAH: Tea 

KAYLA: Which I know we discussed… I watched one episode of the Golden Bachelor and I was like oh my God so cute blah blah talked about it forever didn't watch a single episode of course 

SARAH: Classic 

KAYLA: Why would I? So, I don’t have like much context for this but there is tea, so…

SARAH: Hit me with it 

KAYLA: We can about that 

SARAH: Hit me with it 

KAYLA: So, I don't know if the last episode aired yet or like it's airing next week or something so I don't know that it's like over and he… I don't know if he ended up with someone, beside the point, he… there's a Hollywood reporter article where they interviewed an ex-girlfriend of his because a month after his wife died… you'll remember she died of

SARAH: An illness 

KAYLA: Yeah, I don't think it was cancer and she died of an illness after they had like bought their dream lake house blah blah it was the whole thing he was like very broken up about it, a month after she died he started dating someone from work 

SARAH: Mm-hmm 

KAYLA: On the show he says… oh I mean I haven't dated in 45 years, a liar 

SARAH: Do we have evidence for this dating? 

KAYLA: They talked to the woman he dated 

SARAH: But do we have outside evidence? I want multiple sources 

KAYLA: I mean they read through their texts 

SARAH: Uh 

KAYLA: She lived with him 

SARAH: She lived with him?

KAYLA: Yeah, get this… hold on, I’m trying to scroll to where it is in the article 

SARAH: I just want journalistic integrity here that's why I’m asking 

KAYLA: You know I get… I get that. So, they… I guess they worked together she was like helping him out with stuff he like took her to dinner and then they started dating, they started like texting a lot, talking, having sexy time I guess 

SARAH: Oh, no 

KAYLA: I guess a lot of the like lines he was using on the people on the Golden Bachelor are like exactly things that he was saying to her 

SARAH: Oh no 

DEAN: Fucking bitches. She just jumped on my head, she hit my head, it's a fucking platform

KAYLA: The cats are frolicking upon Dean's head. Okay, so um they talked to Carolyn the woman he dated and also like her friend Susan so that's some secondary… 

SARAH: Susan

KAYLA: For you. Um, but so I guess Susan was watching the show and Gerry the Golden Bachelor was like I haven't kissed anyone in six years and Susan was like you liar I watched you kiss my friend 

SARAH: Oh my God, you know we should have known from the start that we couldn't trust him because he spells his name weird 

KAYLA: Yeah, uh apparently three months after his wife died he was texting Carolyn “damn I go to bed at night thinking of you and waking up in the morning…”

SARAH: Ew 

KAYLA: Thinking of you, your wife just died 

SARAH: I hate that so much, so what we're hearing is Gerry is a dirty liar 

KAYLA: Yeah, so… okay, so she was helping him with stuff after his wife died then they went to dinner and all of a sudden he's like flirting all like hot and heavy really fast it's like okay, then after… pretty soon… it doesn't… I don't think say exactly what the timeline is but is like asking her to move into the lake house with him

SARAH: Not the lake house he got with his late wife 

KAYLA: He's asking her for almost a year before she even considers it but then uh, she finally agreed to move in and then Gerry… “before Carolyn left her settled life in Iowa Gerry promised Carolyn's elderly mother he intended to marry Carolyn,” a liar. Uh, so she arrived at the lake house he told her that she should quit her job and find one closer to the lake house but she's like it's in the middle of nowhere I can't 

SARAH: Wait, so they worked together but then… 

KAYLA: I guess… I don’t really know 

SARAH: Did he like retire or something? 

KAYLA: Oh yeah, oh yes, that was earlier she like threw him a retirement party like years before 

SARAH: Oh, so they used to work together and they… a month after his wife died he just like reached back out and was like hey I love that retirement party you threw me, let's get freaky 

KAYLA: I guess. Also I think this is somewhere else in the article but he on the show claims his profession is he's a restaurateur but he hasn't owned a restaurant since the 80s and now he just like does hot tub installs and like he's a repair man which is not being a restauranteur 

SARAH: I have question, I have some questions about how much the network knew about this 

KAYLA: I’m sure they knew literally everything 

SARAH: Like, well, did the network concoct his story and say like we need to… we need to delete this from your past and they… and they just hoped that people wouldn't find out or was he like actually keeping this shit from them? 

KAYLA: I think probably a mix of both, I mean, I think…

SARAH: Or it was a group project? 

KAYLA: I think it was a group project because the way they painted him was like this incredibly pure like my wife died she was the love of my life like he was always sobbing it was like… and… like 

SARAH: Okay, but to that… to that I say though it's one thing if they're going to set him up like that but is everyone there so stupid as to think that no one would find out that that's not true 

KAYLA: I don't know that's why I feel like it was maybe a group thing like maybe he told them like oh yeah, I dated a little bit it was like casual though and they were like okay then we can just like gloss over that 

SARAH: Well, that's what leads me to believe that it was not entirely a group thing and he mischaracterized his past to the network because, look I… network execs can be very stupid, they can be lovely, but they can be very stupid but I think… I think if there were like that glaring of a thing that they knew about, they would be like this is never going to work 

KAYLA: Yeah, I also like…

SARAH: And with the fan base that the Bachelor franchise has… 

KAYLA: Yeah, people will know it 

SARAH: Like, how much they dig into stuff like… 

KAYLA: The… his daughters at least… were at least in the first episode I’m sure they were in later episodes for like hometowns or whatever so I’m also like were his daughters just… 

SARAH: Were they just like lying? 

KAYLA: Lying or just assume that their dad told them… yes, I don't know but get… it gets worse get… 

SARAH: Oh God 

KAYLA: Get this, so he's like quit your job, get a different one, so she got an accounting job with like an hour commute whatever 

SARAH: Ew 

KAYLA: And then the surprises start so she shows up and he's like oh we're sharing expenses, surprise 

SARAH: She's like, I didn't sign up for that, I signed up to move here 

[00:20:00]

KAYLA: Right, so she didn't know that, that's so crazy he was even like for all meals we go out on and we're going Dutch it's like, okay that's such a… like that’s totally fine… 

SARAH: But if you're sharing expenses why does it matter? 

KAYLA: Yeah, why is it… yeah why does it matter and also like you can just like go back and forth or whatever like you don't… I don't know 

SARAH: Why are we like setting this up as a rule? 

KAYLA: Right, like… 

SARAH: If we live together

KAYLA: Like by no means do I think the man should be paying for everything but also like that's so weird to be like now sit down here's what we're about to do 

SARAH: Right 

KAYLA: Anyway, uh Gerry is also like a neat freak he insisted that Carolyn makes the bed before she comes downstairs for breakfast 

SARAH: Why doesn't he make the fucking bed? 

KAYLA: Yeah. Gerry had a high school reunion she was packing and Gerry said I’m not taking you to the reunion looking like that because she had recently put on 10 pounds and then they broke up

SARAH: Is that why they broke up or was it just like a… 

KAYLA: Yes 

SARAH: An amalgamation of things and also that 

KAYLA: It says the disinvitation led to the breakup but I’m sure… 

SARAH: Yeah, I’m sure there was other stuff but like that was the breaking point 

KAYLA: He volunteered to cover the cost of her U-haul as long as she paid the vendor and he reimbursed her. Uh so as she was packed… just uh… hey, just wait, it gets worse hold on to your seat um she spent the first day packing while Gerry was out, she was very frazzled and fell down the stairs 

SARAH: Oh no 

KAYLA: Requiring a trip to the ER and foot surgery 

SARAH: Oh no 

KAYLA: As confirmed by a hospital bill viewed by the Hollywood Reporter 

SARAH: Oh my God 

KAYLA: Gerry arrived home that night and as Carolyn recalls accused her of using the fall as an excuse to prolong her stay and suggested that she was planning to sue him for causing the injury 

SARAH: Okay, hold on, but if she broke up with him why would she want to stay longer?

KAYLA: In the end he refused to allow Carolyn to stay in the house during the final week of the two weeks’ notice she was required to give her boss before leaving the job he told her to go to a hotel… two weeks’ notice for breaking up, imagine 

SARAH: Yeah 

KAYLA: He told her to go to a hotel, it was the dead of winter Carolyn struggled to get to her car in the walker 

SARAH: Oh, she had… oh, right because she hurt herself 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: Oh, my God. Also, it's… so, okay but when you said like he would pay for the U-haul as long as she paid the vendor and he reimbursed her, he's not paying for the fucking U-haul, are you kidding? I’ll believe it when I fucking see it, I’ll believe it when I see that reimbursement in my bank account 

KAYLA: So, apparently… so, I don't know. Again I don't know if the last episode has aired yet but in the final ep like the end episodes he decides to do fantasy suites back to back with the two last women separately telling each woman that she was the one 

SARAH: Oh, my God. Well, they got their drama, you know what? you know what? maybe the network did know and they said for the drama, for the views. 

KAYLA: Well, I mean I would not be surprised like 

SARAH: Yeah, something to consider 

KAYLA: The article says “by now the gold dust was falling away Gerry was fitting more into the typical bachelor profile. He appears distraught on camera, ‘the only time I’ve been… I felt this bad in my life was when my wife died this is a goddamn close second.’ Later he blubbered ‘I took a really good person and broke her heart.’” I’ve seen that in the commercials 

SARAH: Wait, so that's about the woman that he dated 

KAYLA: No, that's about like… no… 

SARAH: It’s about one of the… 

KAYLA: Women on the Bachelor 

SARAH: Girlies that he was like I love you but I also love this other person and I’m not going to tell you… 

KAYLA: Yeah, get this last line of the article, “true, but for Gerry that should be getting easier with experience” 

SARAH: Oh 

KAYLA: Slam him, so yeah um Golden Bachelor Gerry is…

SARAH: Canceled 

KAYLA: Not pure and sweet, he is cancelled, what a stinker.

SARAH: Stinker

KAYLA: So, that's my tea, what do you have to offer for this episode? 

SARAH: The allos are not okay, the allos are just not okay 

KAYLA: Shocking to everyone 

SARAH: What do I have to offer for this episode? I was… 

KAYLA: Yeah, what's your show and tell? 

SARAH: I wasn't aware I had to offer anything 

KAYLA: I just thought we were doing… I thought we were doing a show and tell type vibe 

SARAH: Well, that's news to me 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: Um, I attended a wedding it was very nice 

KAYLA: Yes 

SARAH: Oh, fuck 

KAYLA: You lost your game? 

SARAH: No, I just remembered… okay, so do you want to know something very silly? Kayla already knows this 

KAYLA: I don't remember, so 

SARAH: So, one thing about me is that sometimes my brain does not consider… 

KAYLA: Well, actually I think I know, I don't know, anyway 

SARAH: Maybe I only texted my sister about it, I don't know 

KAYLA: If it's not about your meds it's not what I’m thinking about 

SARAH: Oh, no, it's not 

KAYLA: Okay. I still never got a resolution on your meds 

SARAH: I got them eventually 

KAYLA: Okay, cool

SARAH: But we had to go to a barbecue place first because they were like they won't be ready for at least an hour 

KAYLA: Naturally 

SARAH: Um, anyway the barbecue place was good uh anyway… 

KAYLA: Good 

SARAH: I attended a wedding and one thing about me is that sometimes I… it's giving neurodivergent um and I don't remember to do the normal things that you're supposed to do for example like when you go to a wedding you're supposed to get like a gift or at the very least a card for someone and I got to this wedding and I did not realize until I looked at the card bucket 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: Then I was like, I have nothing 

KAYLA: I’ve definitely done this at a wedding because it's like I’m used to going to weddings with my parents when I was 10 and it wasn't my job to get a gift 

SARAH: Exactly, and for this one too I was a plus one and so I never actually really saw the invitation which presumably had like a registry on it and so like I didn't have that like reminder and then also at the last wedding I went to which was my sister's um she told me I didn't have to get her anything on account of I was her maid of honor 

KAYLA: I think I got your sister some knives, I can't remember 

SARAH: Miranda got her… it was like a cheese grater or something but it still hasn't arrived 

KAYLA: That sucks 

SARAH: Like it kept getting delayed and they still don't have it the wedding was 10 months ago 

KAYLA: That's wild 

SARAH: So, that's my update. Uh, if you're going to a wedding remember to bring at the very least a card 

KAYLA: Yeah, do that 

SARAH: Now I have to ask Miranda for their home address so I can mail them a card 

KAYLA: Nice. Um, I can retell the silly story I told you before we started recording 

SARAH: I already forgot what it was, go 

KAYLA: Perfect, so we were at the hotel last night first night in the hotel, so sleepy tired it had been such a long bad day

SARAH: Oh, I remember it silly

KAYLA: We're eating dinner, we got Vietnamese food, it was good. Dean is putting on the TV, first he puts on ESPN so we can find out from the men on the tv what the new college rankings are Michigan is number two 

SARAH: Hell yeah, who's number one? 

KAYLA: Georgia, they haven't lost… what's the record Dean? 29 games in a row? 

SARAH: That's several 

KAYLA: That's at least two seasons worth it's like…

SARAH: Wow 

KAYLA: Bananas. Uh, Ohio State is like six now 

SARAH: Fuck them 

KAYLA: Anyway, so we watched that and then that was done so Dean put on Despicable Me 3 which I but like I don’t really want to

SARAH: A classical transition, from ESPN to Despicable Me 3 

KAYLA: But also, in the middle of the movie like it was just long… it's like 25 days of Disney or whatever right ABC 

SARAH: Right, it's like how the other day Elf was on and we watched the second half and then we watched the first half and then we continued watching and I was like I’m leaving I don't want to watch… I’ve seen this movie in its entirety now I don't want to watch it 

KAYLA: You don't have to be here, yeah. Uh, so Despicable Me was there, notably, Dean was on one bed I’m on the other, there is two beds in this room because we were like eating and sitting around and working and whatever so then I’m playing games on my phone not watching… he's also not watching Despicable Me 3 because he falls asleep at 8 pm 

SARAH: 8 pm 

KAYLA: And the lights are all on, he hasn't…

SARAH: Me, last night… 

KAYLA: He hasn't brushed his teeth, he hasn't done anything 

SARAH: Me last night 

KAYLA: Yeah, so he… like is asleep but he like wakes up so often to just like roll over or like whatever, so he wakes up at one point at this point Wall-e is on 

SARAH: A classic

KAYLA: Despicable Me is done 

SARAH: Despicable Me is over

KAYLA: It's over and he rolls over and I was like, wow you've like really been sleeping huh and he goes girl, I’ve been snoooooozing, I talked to him about this today he did not remember this conversation 

SARAH: Good 

KAYLA: Um, and then when I was finally ready to go to bed I was like are you going to move over, he's starfish in the middle of the bed, I was like do you think you're going to move over and he's like I don't know and I was like okay so no, so I got myself ready to bed and then went into the other queen bed and fell asleep by myself as if we were on a 50s sitcom and then in the morning he was like I missed you last night, I was sleeping alone and I was like… 

SARAH: Who’s fucking fault is that? 

KAYLA: He was like I was too tired to tell you yes or no and I was like what is that… what do you mean

SARAH: You could have just moved? 

KAYLA: I know, he was like, oh I missed you and then as we started recording he’s in bed already, I was like don't take up the whole bed and he was like I don't know 

SARAH: Oh my God 

KAYLA: What do you mean you don't know? 

SARAH: Dean don't do it 

DEAN: This isn’t fair 

KAYLA: Oh, he said this isn't fair, are you going to let me sleep in the bed tonight or no, what do you think? 

SARAH: I think it's very fair 

KAYLA: He shrugged 

SARAH: Oh my God. I have a song recommendation, it's Yes or No by Jungkook 

KAYLA: Okay 

[00:30:00]

SARAH: It's a banger

KAYLA: It sounds good 

SARAH: And I was… and I was like, I didn't realize… I was like, I don't know why I like this song so much and then my friend was like it sounds like a One Direction song and I was like that's it? 

KAYLA: Yeah, um, I forget which episode… recent episode it was but we were talking about ring ding ding… oh it was am I the asshole I think, and my so my dad texted me and Sarah in a group chat just with like the YouTube link to that song and was like this is my new ringtone for Kayla ha, ha, ha

SARAH: Hell, yeah, every time my mom gets it stuck in her head she texts me my ladddyyyy 

KAYLA: Good 

SARAH: So, like I’ll just get a text from her that says my ladddyyy 

KAYLA: My laddyyy 

SARAH: And I’ll be like, I know what has happened here 

KAYLA: Yeah, um…

SARAH: Everyone should listen to ring ding dong 

KAYLA: No, that’s not true 

SARAH: For the memes 

KAYLA: No, that’s not true, actually 

SARAH: I saw a really funny pic… I saw a really funny picture of Min-ho today who was the one that was ruining the marriage but it's from like, I don't know this is probably 2009… hold on I’m texting… okay I’m texting it to Kayla 

KAYLA: That was loud?

SARAH: I want you to see this man's hair 

KAYLA: Is this like a recent pic? 

SARAH: No, no, no it's probably like 2009 

KAYLA: Oh, it looks like… it does not look real like… 

SARAH: It looks like there's a raccoon on his head 

KAYLA: It looks so photoshopped or so much like a wig like it looks unreal 

SARAH: There's a raccoon on his head 

KAYLA: It's so… the thing is… 

SARAH: Stealing hearts and stealing wives since 2006 or 2008 

KAYLA: The thing about it is it has the like front bang swoop, like a One Direction kind of like swoop you know or like a Justin Bieber swoop kind of, but then the rest of his hair is also really long 

SARAH: Yeah 

KAYLA: But also, like very layered so it like… 

SARAH: Yeah, there's a lot of layers… 

KAYLA: So, like it’s almost like a mullet, so like picture the front is like the classic like 2010 boy band swoop 

SARAH: Yeah 

KAYLA: But then the rest of the hair is like a mullet, picture that

SARAH: That’s so silly

KAYLA: But also, like weirdly thick and shiny in a wig way 

SARAH: Because he's training up, he’s got that fucking Shiny 

KAYLA: You know, what the problem is that makes it look Photoshopped 

SARAH: Oh, my God, I just realized that's a funny little joke that I accidentally made, he has got that shiny shit he's in a group called Shinee 

KAYLA: Mm-hmm 

SARAH: Wow, sorry, I think I maxed out my mic when I did that 

KAYLA: I bet you did. The reason it looks so photoshopped is because the lighting is completely off the way, the lighting is hitting his hair and his face is different

SARAH: Okay 

KAYLA: Like his hair is shiny in the wrong way 

SARAH: Yeah, it's… there's definitely some weird like flash going on here 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: Because he it looks like he's outdoors but it's nighttime, yeah, it's weird, we'll post this photo somewhere, where will we put it? I don't know, don't worry about it

KAYLA: Will we? 

SARAH: Someone remind us 

KAYLA: Will we? 

SARAH: Someone remind us, um, what else is happening? 

KAYLA: Um, I saw the new Disney movie like an hour ago 

SARAH: The Leo 

KAYLA: Wish 

SARAH: Leo is a guy with a tongue 

KAYLA: It was not that one 

SARAH: Adam Sandler, oh I think that's on… that might be on Netflix 

KAYLA: That's Netflix, that's a Netflix one, no it was the new like… it's not like princess because she's not a princess but the new like girl lead 

SARAH: Okay 

KAYLA: Singing Disney movie, it wasn't really good but no romance to be seen 

SARAH: Hell, yeah. 

KAYLA: In fact, one couple guy is dead

SARAH: Mm-hmm, classic 

KAYLA: Other man who was presumably married at some point wife never seen presumed dead, main villain divorced at the end 

SARAH: Oh, great

KAYLA: It's what I would call what happened 

SARAH: Okay 

KAYLA: And no other romance to be seen so 

SARAH: Of course, Disney loves divorce 

KAYLA: I mean, it wasn't so much of divorce, spoilers, it wasn't so much a divorce as like the villain was a king and then there was the queen but then he turned evil and trapped him in a crystal and now she's like… 

SARAH: They’re separated 

KAYLA: I’m presuming they're just considering themselves to divorces 

SARAH: They’re separated 

KAYLA: They’re separated. I would assume, so, if anything like anti-romance, so 

SARAH: Incredible. I have not seen The Hunger Games movie yet on account of… 

KAYLA: Me neither 

SARAH: I didn't finish the book in time Miranda and her family saw it but I had not finished the book in time and I was so sleepy and so instead I watched Bones with Miranda’s grandma 

KAYLA: The television program? 

SARAH: Yeah 

KAYLA: Nice

SARAH: Um, but I still haven't finished the book because I was going to read it on the plane but then I was like I need… I don't want to think about existentialism I’m going to read fan-fiction instead 

KAYLA: See, that's the thing is Dean and I almost saw the new Hunger Games tonight but the show times were 5:15 which like when am I going to eat dinner? and then 8:45 which I would not be here right now 

SARAH: Yeah 

KAYLA: So, it didn't end up happening but I was also like do I want to think about the themes of that movie right now? No

SARAH: Yeah, look, I’ve heard the movie is very good, the book is very good, when they first announced the book in like… because it came out in 2020 and they were like it's a prequel about president Snow as a youth I was like why do I care? I don't care, I don't give a shit 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: But now that I’ve started reading it I do in fact give a shit 

KAYLA: You do care, yeah. No, I’ve heard really good things like I have been a day one Rachel Zegler stan, I don't… I do not understand hate, I’ve been a stan of her since before West Side Story 

SARAH: And she sings all over the place in this movie 

KAYLA: Yeah, so like… you know what's funny about me being a day one Rachel Zegler fan? I’ve never seen a single movie she's been in, I just stan her presence 

SARAH: Just thinks she's cool 

KAYLA: Never seen her work 

SARAH: Great, like not a big fan of her work. just a big fan of her 

KAYLA: No, I’m sure her work is great, I just haven't seen it 

SARAH: Unfamiliar 

KAYLA: It's so funny, maybe we'll just keep that going, maybe I’ll never see the new Hunger Games 

SARAH: Oh, no 

KAYLA: I had something else, oh I told Sarah this, but something really embarrassing happened to me lately, recently which is that several several months ago maybe like half a year ago now I read the book Legends and Lattes which I would highly recommend to anyone it is a like… it's like high fantasy like DND style fantasy but like cozy like the plot is very like chill and the conflicts get resolved in like a chapter so there's nothing to be stressed about which I love and it's also gay

SARAH: Gay 

KAYLA: So, a slay all around I read it like six months ago or whatever and then I went to the bookstore… okay, first part of this story is slay second part is embarrassing, so I went to the bookstore…

SARAH: We’ve heard part of this on the pod before 

KAYLA: Oh, yeah, okay, so I had the perfect bookstore experience, right? I was like oh I want a book like that, I found a book that was marketed on the book as in-universe, okay? I just want to put that out there, that is how it was marketed as oh it's in the same world, okay? So, I was like, oh slay different characters, same vibe, okay? I’m reading the book blah blah blah, I get to the end happy happy, there is an epilogue which is set in the setting of the first book and I’m like that's weird these characters are the characters from this book but why are they in the setting from the other book which is when I realized that I had forgotten the name of the first… the main character in the first book and that the main character in the second book was the same person as the main character of the first book because the second book was a prequel, that was… plot completely unrelated, like you… the author said in the author's note like you can read these standalone like it was just the like… 

SARAH: Yeah 

KAYLA: It gives more context to like why the character is the way they are in the first book but like it's not like nothing plot wise is necessary but then I finished it and I was just sitting there I think I was like on the plane I was just sitting there I was on the plane I was just pissed because I was like I feel like I read this entire book wrong and I feel like I have to reread… 

SARAH: At the light too 

KAYLA: Well, because I felt I hadn't been reading the book in the correct light and like with all of the context so I was like I feel like I need to reread this like I feel like I read it wrong so then I like didn't… I had like shows downloaded, I had podcasts to listen to, I didn't do any of that for the rest of the flight, I just listened to sad music for the rest of the flight, played my phone games because I’m so mad 

SARAH: Okay, when you texted me about that you gave me zero context and so the only thing I could gather was something prequel, I didn't know it was a prequel book and because I had been in the Hunger Games mode I was like… I was like you didn't know this was a prequel 

KAYLA: Imagine, Imagine. I mean that's basically what I did 

SARAH: Could you not remember who the president is? 

KAYLA: That’s basically what I did, is if I had just forgotten who president Snow was, I just read the other book like oh how fun? 

SARAH: How fun? Yeah, but that's what I thought at first and then I realized that was not what you were talking about 

KAYLA: Not what I was talking about, but I mean both books… the first one is… first one is Legends and Lattes, the second one is Bookshops and Bone Dust, great books, just keep in mind when you read the second one that it's the first one and the characters are the same and the reason that the main characters look really similar and are like the same race of species… 

SARAH: Is because they’re the same 

KAYLA: It’s not just because the author really likes writing stories about like butch orcs it's because it's the same characters

SARAH: Because it's the same butch orcs

KAYLA: It’s because it’s the same butch orcs, both times just like one is younger and like they… their hair is different, you know, oh what did you… oh I’m so sad 

SARAH: Um, do we think that's enough? 

KAYLA: I bet it has to be, right? There can't be anything else 

[00:40:00]

SARAH: Yeah. I’m actually really impressed with us because we didn't really spend any time in this podcast being like oh what should we talk about, we just… we were just telling our little silly stories

KAYLA: No. So much… so much… just a little show and tell 

SARAH: Oh my God, all right, well… 

KAYLA: What am I going to title this episode? I have to title it something fun so people don't just skip over and be like oh… 

SARAH: The author loves shit butch orcs

KAYLA: This author loves butch orcs, you know what? That’s it.  I’m writing that down. This author loves butch orcs 

SARAH: Anyway… okay, so, uh, what's our… 

KAYLA: I opened my notes app and the first thing… so I recently went to a chili cook-off party where seven different people cooked chilies and then we all had like little tastes and we like voted on best chili, it was… I don't know it was cute but so I made a notes app while I was doing it with pictures of the chili and my notes about it so I opened my notes app just to like a picture of…

SARAH: Chili 

KAYLA: Really wet, really wet chili 

SARAH: You meant the not soup American item? that is you put in a bowl?

KAYLA: Yeah. Hey, when I said cook off and I ate, what did you think I meant? 

SARAH: Like a little chili pepper 

KAYLA: Hey, man, what? 

SARAH: In my defense… 

KAYLA: I was wondering why you were so like…like so judgmental of this on your face when I said it, but I was like maybe she just doesn't like fun, I don't know

SARAH: In my defense… 

KAYLA: No 

SARAH: I saw a photo today of a man who was presenting at um the MAMA awards which is like a K-pop award show and instead of having a pocket square he just had three green chilies in his pocket 

KAYLA: You're right Sarah, that's a really good defense for yourself, that doesn't make any of this worse, you're right, you're right 

SARAH: I was like how many ways could there be to just cook a whole small chili

KAYLA: Boil it, fry it 

SARAH: I guess it's about the seasoning 

KAYLA: Oh, this is a thought… before we go, one last thing, do you think… what do you think would happen if you boiled a burger patty? 

SARAH: I think it would mostly stay together 

KAYLA: You think? 

SARAH: Not entirely, but mostly 

KAYLA: Yeah

SARAH: It would definitely become like more webby like it would be less compact I think 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: It would cook 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: It would cook 

KAYLA: Yeah, Dean and I were discussing the idea of a reverse barbecue and how it's just you cook everything inside and boil it instead of outside and grilling 

SARAH: Oh, okay 

KAYLA: And I was like what would happen if you boiled a burger but, so anyway 

SARAH: Speaking of…

KAYLA: Because I offered boiled hot dogs and he said no I don't want that and I was like well that was the obvious answer for boiled barbecue food but I guess we'll boil a burger if that's really what you want

SARAH: Fine, we'll boil some ribs 

KAYLA: So, honestly a good chance when we finally get back into our house this weekend that a burger gets boiled, I really feel like we're going to boil a burger out for the house this weekend, I’ll keep you all updated 

SARAH: Okay, I want to say on the topic of notes on our phone, my most recent one it was from my drive home today and it just says murder in the underground pedestrian tunnel at the Hollywood bowl 

KAYLA: Yes, I did hear 

SARAH: Except, it says murder in the underground pedestrian 

KAYLA: Even better keep it 

SARAH: I think that's a… I think that would be an interesting setting for a murder 

KAYLA: I agree 

SARAH: For those of you who have been in there, like the ceiling is lower than you'd expect

KAYLA: Sure 

SARAH: And when you're leaving the concert it's very full of people and you're like wow if somebody were to… 

KAYLA: If someone just like did a discreet stab… 

SARAH: I was thinking more like if someone bombed this but yeah that's better 

KAYLA: Um, okay, I was thinking of like you have your target you like are all in the tunnel and you sneak around and you're just like and then you stab and run away 

SARAH: I meant more like in the off season like you're down… you lure someone down there 

KAYLA: Okay, but you just had mentioned how crowded it was 

SARAH: I know 

KAYLA: Why would you… who was going to follow you to the tunnels of the house? Not me

SARAH: I also don't… I also don't know if they can be easily accessed in the office 

KAYLA: Probably not, I think my idea is better 

SARAH: And my other thing is like if you lure someone down there to kill them and you leave their body there if it is accessible to human people there will definitely be unhoused people taking refuge down there so it's like do you pay them off? do you just hope they don't say anything 

KAYLA: I just don't think it's possible, I don't think you could get in there, I’m sure they have security cameras, I’m sure there's security working there in the off season and if it is accessible then people definitely live there 

SARAH: There wasn't security when I was walking through it 

KAYLA: That you could see? 

SARAH: Anyway, um if anyone wants to write a mystery novel where the… 

KAYLA: You’re not just giving your ideas away? okay 

SARAH: I’m not capable of writing a mystery novel 

KAYLA: That's probably true 

SARAH: I mean like if I really wanted to I could but like I would suffer 

KAYLA: See, and this is why I laughed at you for saying when you were earlier you were like but what if I want to write while I don't have a computer and I did a giggle, this is what…

SARAH: And Kayla immediately laughed 

KAYLA: I go… 

SARAH: It was so rude 

KAYLA: I go 

SARAH: It was so rude 

KAYLA: It was my silliest joke yet, it was so silly 

SARAH: Anyway, did we talk about poll? 

KAYLA: What is there to say? what is there to poll? 

SARAH: Is Gerry a jerk? But you have to spell jerk the way that Gerry is spelled 

KAYLA: G-E-R-R-K 

SARAH: Yeah. Is Gerry a jerk? 

KAYLA: Yeah, that's not going to be the poll 

SARAH: Okay, whatever. Um, what's your beef and your juice for this week 

KAYLA: I think we've well uh… or my beef is good and covered uh my juice is that is these trader joe's sour jelly beans 

SARAH: Oh, good for you 

KAYLA: I told Dean when he went to trader Joe's to get us candy for the movie to sneak in my pocket and they're really sour, several times during the movie we ate them and it had to be like… 

SARAH: I like a good sour gummy worm but I’m not a sour girly because like sour gummy…

KAYLA: I’m a sour girly 

SARAH: Because like sour gummy worms are not really that sour 

KAYLA: I ate a warhead recently and I… my mouth is watering right now just thinking about it, it was the most intense experience, like when they say like oh if you're having an anxiety attack eat something sour, I understood that moment, why? because I was like how could I be anxious when I’m fighting for my life 

SARAH: Fighting for your life. I ate a pickle yesterday 

KAYLA: Congrats 

SARAH: And it was a lot. I had previously had pickles from this from this venue that were… 

KAYLA: Extra pickles 

SARAH: That were really good but for some reason this batch of pickles was just like extra sour and I was like I want to cut my tongue off but I also still want to eat this pickle 

KAYLA: I love… I love a pickle 

SARAH: It was… it hurt my teeth 

KAYLA: Well 

SARAH: Huge news, I’m still on my parents’ insurance through the end of the year so I… 

KAYLA: Just get dentures at this point 

SARAH: So, I’m trying to… I’m on the wait list 

KAYLA: Get veneers 

SARAH: I’m on the wait list to go to the dentist in Michigan one more time 

KAYLA: I love that, you should just get your whole mouth redone while you're still on it I think 

SARAH: Um, okay, my beef, my juice, my juice is this the YungI dropping and the sope dropping game, sope S-O-P-E, it's… you drop the little guys and they combine, I’ve been… 

KAYLA: Oh, like the watermelon game? 

SARAH: It is the watermelon game 

KAYLA: But for BTS 

SARAH: But the pictures are of either Yungi or Yungi and Hobi 

KAYLA: Good Lord 

SARAH: Um, I’ve been having a great time, my beef is assholes who are so assholing that even in professional scenarios they are still giant assholes all the time 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: My other beef is people who are like well stream shamers, I hate stream shamers that's not a word, I made it up, but if you get it, you get it. I saw someone who was like… got their Spotify wrapped and there was like look how many like minutes I listened to music, it added up to 305 days-worth of music in a year 

KAYLA: That can't be healthy  

SARAH: And someone was like how did you do that? And they were like… 

KAYLA: In the night? 

SARAH: And they were like, I’m streaming on my laptop 24/7, to which I say, girl, I listen to music to enjoy it not to… not to play some numbers game just so I can feel like I have some outsized role in my fave success I don't… like I’m not going to stream for the sake of streaming, I’m going to listen to music to listen to music what is your problem? 

KAYLA: People are wild 

SARAH: Spotify wrapped is out, that can be our poll, tell us about your favorite thing that your Spotify wrapped uncovered and I think…

KAYLA: It should be us 

SARAH: Apple music also has a wrapped thing that came out 

KAYLA: I don't know how they did that without like being sued but 

SARAH: Well, also it came out the same day 

KAYLA: No 

SARAH: I think it did come out a little bit earlier 

KAYLA: It can't… well, your roommate posted her Apple wrapped yesterday and Spotify came out today 

SARAH: Oh, yesterday? 

KAYLA: I think so 

SARAH: Clearly, I’m not keeping up with the Instagram story 

KAYLA: Wow, fucked up, I’m keeping up better with your roommate than you are 

[00:50:00]

SARAH: I just saw that like everyone was… who uses apple music was posting them today probably just because the Spotify did it

KAYLA: I feel… I mean I could be wrong but I feel like it was yesterday 

SARAH: You know what? It doesn't matter because this isn't the day that the podcast is coming out, so nothing…

KAYLA: It actually doesn't matter 

SARAH: Matters, that's all. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your Spotify wrapped on our social media @soundsfakepod, we also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you want to give us your money. Our $5 patrons we are promoting this week are phoenix, Elliot, Rachel, Rebecca Manon and Scott Ainsley y'all are the best. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Barefoot Backpacker who would like to promote their YouTube channel RTW barefoot, Song of Storm who would like to promote a healthy work-life balance, Allison who would like to promote Ardent Gray by Rostov and Ani who would like to promote the importance of being kind to yourself and others, so true bestie. our other $10 patrons are Arcness, Benjamin Ybarra, Boston Smith, Selena Dobson, David Harris, Derick and Karissa, Albiter, my aunt Jennie, Kayla's dad 

KAYLA: Oh, Kevin, slay 

SARAH: Kevin is a patron now and he would like to promote Jandicreations.com

KAYLA: True that’s…

SARAH: J-A-N-D-I creations dot com, I follow them on Instagram 

KAYLA: Check them out, that's my parents and my… they're like our family friends woodworking business and they make such good shit 

SARAH: They work that wood 

KAYLA: So true 

SARAH: Also, Maff, Martin Giselle, Parker, Purple Haze and Val. our $15 other patrons are Ace who would like to promote the writer Crystal Share, Andrew Hellen who would like to promote Invisible Spectrum podcast, Dia Chappelle who would like to promote twitch.tv/melodydia, Hector Mario who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive and help you grow as a better person, Nathanael White who would like to promote Nathanieljwhitedesigns.com and Kayla’s aunt Nina who would like to promote KateMaggartArt.com. Our $20 patron is dragonfly who would like to promote not having mosquitoes in your indoor desk job in southern California, they keep biting me, thanks for listening tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears 

KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

Sounds Fake But Okay