Ep 11: Sex in Weird Places
Listen to Ep 11: Sex in Weird Places here!
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SARAH: Hey what's up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I'm Sarah. That's me.)
KAYLA: ...and a straight girl (that's me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, sex in weird places.
ALL: Sounds fake, but okay.
KAYLA: Well guys today for you, Sarah and I have ruined our search history.
SARAH: Mhm.
ALL: Just for you.
KAYLA: The past couple minutes of... we did like a good 10 minutes of research like the prepared humans we are. And in that, I just ruined everything.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So you're welcome. I think today's episode started because one time I think you texted me and you were like "Pregnant sex is weird."
SARAH: Pregnant sex is weird.
KAYLA: And I was like yeah, it is. It is indeed.
SARAH: Yeah, so we're going to be talking about that which we wanted to put in the title but listen, it's hard to make a concise title that includes both pregnant sex and sex in weird places, so be forewarned, we're gonna talk about both. Which one do we wanna start with, Kayla?
KAYLA: We can do pregnant sex first cause that's what started it all.
SARAH: Can I tell you my first exposure to realizing that people had pregnant sex - and by pregnant sex, we mean sex when one of the parties is pregnant.
KAYLA: Whilst pregnant.
SARAH: I was watching the TV show Bones, a great TV show, I kinda stopped watching it like season six or seven but you know, it's a good time. And one of the characters Angela was pregnant and she was like... it was past her due date and so they were trying, they wanted the baby to be out of her, right? And I guess she and her husband, fiance, I don't remember what he was at the time...
KAYLA: Human.
SARAH: ...but he read somewhere that if you have sex when you're super pregnant it can induce birth.
KAYLA: I think, similarly, I think my first exposure was the TV Friends when Rachel is pregnant with Ross's baby it's also past his due date but at the time they weren't dating and so it was really awkward because they were like okay - they tried everything cause there were myths about if you eat really spicy stuff. And they had tried everything and then they're like "Okay, okay we'll just do it." And it was really uncomfortable but I think it actually like... after like two seconds of them awkwardly kissing it worked (laughs).
SARAH: Oh my god. Yeah no, it didn't work on Bones and she complaining about it.
KAYLA: Rough.
SARAH: But that was the first time it had ever occurred to me that people might have sex while pregnant. Young me was just like "Oh, you don't have sex for nine months."
KAYLA: Yeah. Well, it's like...
SARAH: I mean I also didn't think of the fact that people want to have sex for recreation and so it didn't really compute.
KAYLA: Well it's kind of like people of having sex on their periods. I feel like for a lot of people it's just like "eh."
SARAH: Yeah it's gross to some people but other people are like "I...
KAYLA: Wanna.
SARAH: ...value sex more than I value not getting my sheets dirty."
KAYLA: Usually I've heard you put a towel down.
SARAH: I've heard that also.
KAYLA: Anyway (laughs).
SARAH: But yeah. Kayla?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Tell me more.
KAYLA: Well I did some Googling.
SARAH: Oh Google.
KAYLA: As one do-es. As one do.
SARAH: As one do-es.
KAYLA: And babycenter.com has told me... first of all, there's a very nice interracial couple at the top of the page.
SARAH: Nice.
KAYLA: Looking great.
SARAH: She's not pregnant.
KAYLA: She doesn't look very pregnant but you get what you can. So apparently, it's safe, it's okay. The sack that the baby lives in...
SARAH: Oh god.
KAYLA: ...is strong enough I guess.
SARAH: Well because we... I mean we had thought of this...
KAYLA: Aahh, I'm seeing the word mucus plug.
SARAH: Ew. The reason we're doing this podcast today is we'd had it on the list for awhile but earlier today we were watching... you know that video where the guy - it's like two minutes long - and the guy reads a bunch of Yahoo answers questions that all are people asking if they could be pregnant or whatever but pregnant is spelled wildly incorrectly.
KAYLA: And it's like "pregernant?"
SARAH: Yeah like pergant, peragagnant.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: It's very funny, we'll link it. Did we link the thing last week?
KAYLA: On the Patreon?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: The Buzzfeed article?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: It was like two weeks ago but yes we did.
SARAH: Oh cool.
KAYLA: So if you wanna get that link hit up that Patreon though.
SARAH: So turns out we are linking things I don't know. Kayla's the social media person.
KAYLA: Great.
SARAH: So he's like reading them and one of them was like "Will I poke my baby in the head if I have sex...
KAYLA: So stupid.
SARAH: ...while this lady's pregnant."
KAYLA: And then we were like well, I guess that's what we're talking about today.
SARAH: Yeah, that's how we came to this idea. For those of you who are Patreon people and we have the poll, we're gonna do the poll every other week.
KAYLA: (mumbling) It says on there that...
SARAH: Oh, well now you know from your ears.
KAYLA: Yeah, so if you wanna be a patron then if you donate $2 a month then you get to vote every other week on what topic we do. So that was last week's topic they got to vote on it which was neat. And if you donate enough you get to tell us the topic overall so it's neat.
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SARAH: And then every other week we just have a monopoly!
KAYLA: Oh. So to answer the question, back to the topic.
SARAH: The topic.
KAYLA: You don't hit the baby's head because this says here that "during intercourse, the penis doesn't go beyond the vagina so it won't reach the baby." You looked distressed.
SARAH: I am!
KAYLA: Also the myth that it stimulates labor um... no. This is saying no. It could cause mild uterine contractions, but it won't cause labor or a miscarriage so they say. "Increased blood flow." What?
SARAH: Could that induce labor?
KAYLA: Oh no that's just why you have better orgasms while you're pregnant because (laughs)...
SARAH: Ew! What?!
KAYLA: (laughs) They say that when you're pregnant you might have... oh the moist. It says moist.
SARAH: Oh no!
KAYLA: "So for a variety of reasons..." Sarah is sssssssso uncomfortable.
SARAH: (laughs) I'm hiding behind my sweatshirt.
KAYLA: "For multiple reasons, orgasms during pregnant sex can be better." I don't wanna talk about it but...
SARAH: I hate that.
KAYLA: Your breasts, also I've seen, can leak when you're pregnant.
SARAH: What?! Oh, I think I knew that.
KAYLA: In general it can but I guess if they're being handled it might be more likely.
SARAH: I know people are like "Oh your boobs are bigger when you're pregnant that's so hot." And I'm like "They're...
KAYLA: There's milk.
SARAH: ...filled with milk!" Is that not... are they not more tender?
KAYLA: Yeah I think they are.
SARAH: When people are like... cause you know how some people's boobs get bigger if they're PMSing and their partner's like "Oh that's so hot." It's like "I don't-" I mean I don't really want people touching my boobs in general but like if your boobs are - I hate the tender, but it's the best descriptor - you don't want people touching them! That doesn't feel nice. I don't understand.
KAYLA: I don't know. There was an Office episode that it was after Pam gave birth to one of her babies and one of the other characters that was really stupid had read somewhere that when a mother hears the sound of a crying baby they start lactating.
SARAH: Oh my god!
KAYLA: And so he was just making obnoxious baby noises the whole...
SARAH: What character?
KAYLA: Kevin.
SARAH: Wait which one is that?
KAYLA: The bigger one that's kind of balding and he's really stupid.
SARAH: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay, yeah.
KAYLA: And so he was making really obnoxious crying noises all night and then at the end of the night they're walking back to their car and Pam was like "Oh no, I just started leaking!" And he was like "Yes!"
SARAH: So gross!
KAYLA: It was.
SARAH: (disgusted) Oh god.
KAYLA: Yup. Um for oral sex it's fine as long as you don't have any chance of the herps on your mouth. And don't blow into the vagina.
SARAH: You're not supposed to ever do that.
KAYLA: Right so I don't know why they're putting this here but they're telling you definitely don't.
SARAH: Definitely don't when there's a baby in there.
KAYLA: Because you're never supposed to because it can cause this air thing bubble that gets into your blood I guess. I dunno. Oh a dental dam. I don't think anyone really uses those.
SARAH: I've never heard of anyone actually using one.
KAYLA: I've never heard of one actually purchasing and using it.
SARAH: When I was in high school and we had...
KAYLA: I'd never even heard of one until college.
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: They talked about it in the health sex portion of...
KAYLA: I literally... I actually don't remember any of my sex ed.
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: Like I don't know if just blanked it out or what but I actually have no memory of sex ed.
SARAH: Good.
KAYLA: So it's a good thing I educated myself.
SARAH: We had to do it in middle school in my health class and there was a kid when we were doing sex ed, there was a kid who literally got kind of sick.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Like from just...
KAYLA: Talking about it?
SARAH: ...learning about it, yeah.
KAYLA: My hero.
SARAH: Yeah I remember we did it in fourth grade...
KAYLA: Oh we didn't.
SARAH: ...where it was like girls and boys separately.
KAYLA: Well that makes sense periods are starting soon.
SARAH: Yeah and the boys, theirs was so much shorter so they got to watch a movie afterwards and the girls were like still in there...
KAYLA: Learning about terrible menstruation.
SARAH: ...learning about periods. And then we did it in seventh grade and then in high school we had portions of it in health, which we were required to have a health portion, whether that was a separate health class or within our gym class, to graduate.
KAYLA: Yeah see the problem was is we did it in either fifth or sixth grade, I don't remember anything. And I tested out of health class in high school and it wasn't really a chapter.
SARAH: I did part of my health online in high school so I kind of just whizzed through it.
KAYLA: Yeah I didn't learn about dental dams I think until we had this one sex thing in our freshman year of college when the people came and talked to us and it basically another sex ed.
SARAH: Oh the one sex thing our freshman year of college (laughs).
KAYLA: Whatever, I don't remember what it's called!
SARAH: I think I know what you're talking about.
KAYLA: Yeah, they had residence hall people come in and be like "Here's how to use a condom." That was also the first time I'd seen a condom demonstration that I remember.
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SARAH: I think so me too. "I think so me too," that was a good sentence. Yeah, when I was in high school they did talk about condoms and dental dams and stuff, which is good. They didn't talk about non-straight sex and they did kind of push abstinence-only. But they did tell us about other things which I think is good.
KAYLA: That's good. I really just don't remember what mine was so I'm assuming it was probably bad because I lived in a small town.
SARAH: Yeah! Good!
KAYLA: Great. That's really all the info I have on pregnant sex. It seems like the general consensus is you can do it.
SARAH: It just seems complicated. Like there's a large...
KAYLA: Well I did also look at some articles about the best sex positions and they did stress the comfort of the woman. So they all looked like ones where the woman could kind of just like chill. And the biggest thing - you don't want to hear this -
SARAH: I don't.
KAYLA: but the biggest thing is you having the woman be in a position where she can handle how much there is penetration because if it goes too far it could be uncomfortable. Sarah has never been so mad at me in my life about a conversation. So yeah. Feel free to Google that if you want that image.
SARAH: I just... I know that people...
KAYLA: They were animated pictures so it wasn't that bad.
SARAH: When people are super pregnant they can't even see their feet. That's just... so then sex when you can't even see the bottom half of your body?
KAYLA: Well you don't need to see the bottom half of your body to have sex!
SARAH: I know but I would just feel very weird about it.
KAYLA: Well I think you'd feel weird about sex no matter what.
SARAH: You're not wrong.
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: That's really all I have about pregnant sex. That was my research.
SARAH: Alright cool! Let's talk about sex in weird places. I almost said sex in pregnant places (laughs).
KAYLA: Wwwow. Stunning.
SARAH: Amazing. Sex in weird places. So we also looked up some articles...
KAYLA: I also have a story I know from real life.
SARAH: Mhm. Do you wanna start with that?
KAYLA: Sure. So this is not from people I knew, but I had a friend once who when he was in high school, people from his high school would drive about an hour to Ann Arbor where we are, go to the Starbucks on State Street, and have sex in the bathroom of the Starbucks.
SARAH: Why?
KAYLA: I don't know. So in high school, they drove... they couldn't just like do it in their car or like...
SARAH: Or a nearby Starbucks?
KAYLA: Or like a cornfield like normal people do in small towns. Nay, they drove...
SARAH: They drove to a busy Starbucks right in the middle of things.
KAYLA: They drove to a Starbucks in the middle of a city, college campus.
SARAH: College town.
KAYLA: And had sex in that unisex bathroom.
SARAH: Was it because they were in need of a unisex bathroom? Were they not into...
KAYLA: I.... don't know. If I would guess, this town probably doesn't have that many unisex bathrooms. It's quite small and farmy. But yeah, so it was a regular thing that would happen. These people would drive an hour and have sex in the bathroom together.
SARAH: And that's weird because if you're driving to have sex at a destination. Like destination sex (laughs).
KAYLA: Yeah can you imagine the weird car ride there. You both know what's gonna happen.
SARAH: And then the car ride after. Did they stay in Ann Arbor and hang out and did they just have sex and leave?
KAYLA: I have no answers. I'm kind of hoping just for the story that they got there, had sex, and left (laughs).
SARAH: That would be funny (laughs).
KAYLA: I mean parking is expensive, you know?
SARAH: It really is!
KAYLA: Gotta be economical about it, they were in high school I'm sure they didn't have much money.
SARAH: Oh my god that's weird as hell.
KAYLA: So next time you go into that bathroom, just think a bunch of high school kids...
SARAH: And they did this multiple times I would assume?
KAYLA: I think it was a common thing for many kids to do this.
SARAH: Wait. So it's not just one couple.
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: Oh my god!
KAYLA: It was like a thing that you did is what I understand.
SARAH: A thing. Oh my god! Y'all are weird.
KAYLA: Again, these aren't people I knew but from my understanding, it was a thing that people just did.
SARAH: That's just a lot to do for sex in a bathroom of all places.
KAYLA: It's a disgusting place.
SARAH: It's not like you're going to go to the most romantic place to have sex. No, it's a fucking Starbucks bathroom.
KAYLA: It's a Starbucks bathroom. When you could easily just do it in your car like normal high schoolers.
SARAH: Yeah. Wow.
KAYLA: Sarah's mad about this topic.
SARAH: Yeah okay. But we looked up some stuff.
KAYLA: We did.
SARAH: Kayla close your eyes.
KAYLA: I'm closing them. It's a secret.
SARAH: I'm gonna tell you... you can look at it. Whatever, it's fine.
KAYLA: I'll look away.
SARAH: Let's see we found some good ones. This one was incredible.
KAYLA: And this article too, pictures are included?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: We'll link these articles, too.
SARAH: This article is from Cosmopolitan, our favorite location. It's entitled "The Weirdest Places Couples Have Had Sex." This one it says - I will read it to you - "St. Patrick's Day has long been an excuse for the nation's youth to get drunk and make mistakes."
KAYLA: First of all, not true. There's so many older people that get trashed on St. Patty's. Anyway.
SARAH: True. Alright, moving on. "This one involves two college-aged people in Deleware who did it up against a dumpster in a parking lot behind a Dunkin' Donuts. I hope their first time was as special as they wanted it to be." Picture included! There's a picture of them doing this. They kind of bleeped it out with a four-leafed clover but...
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KAYLA: They also didn't really bleep out the right parts of the picture but you know.
SARAH: I mean it's over the area.
KAYLA: Yeah, I guess. I dunno.
SARAH: But they are truly having sex against a dumpster.
KAYLA: They both look rather uncomfortable.
SARAH: They both look frazzled.
KAYLA: I mean I'm sure they're wasted. I would hope.
SARAH: Yeah I was about to say they're probably very drunk.
KAYLA: I would hope they're very drunk. My thing with this is first of all they were in broad daylight just...
SARAH: There's a picture of it.
KAYLA: Obviously someone got a picture so it was very public.
SARAH: The girl is wearing sunglasses.
KAYLA: Good for her. Bacteria could get in you.
SARAH: Just so many problems here.
KAYLA: All up in it.
SARAH: (laughs) In your body.
KAYLA: Like that's a dumpster that they're touching.
SARAH: That's just a bad idea.
KAYLA: Ugh it's so nasty.
SARAH: I would have preferred they do it in the Dunkin' Donuts bathroom.
KAYLA: I just like how the Dunkin' Donuts detail was included. It makes it just (kiss sound) really good.
SARAH: You know what would have been even better if it had been like a Denny's...
KAYLA: Oh Denny's!
SARAH: ...or a Waffle House.
KAYLA: Oh! That... ooo.
SARAH: That would be so funny.
KAYLA: That would've been much better.
SARAH: Anyway, you know what would be a really funny place to get caught having sex?
KAYLA: Hm?
SARAH: A Chik-fil-A bathroom.
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: They literally...
KAYLA: No. Gay sex in a Chik-fil-A bathroom.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Because they hate gay people.
SARAH: They literally have signed... So I haven't been in a lot of Chik-fil-As in my life. In Michigan, we only have three and none of them are stand-alone buildings, they're in a court.
KAYLA: They're like in an airport or a campus
SARAH: Or a mall or a campus. And so I've only been to very few actual, real Chik-fil-As. And I think maybe the only one I've ever been in I... it was a long road trip and we stopped there to get dinner and I go into the bathroom and I am greeted by bible verses printed on the wall of the bathroom!
KAYLA: (laughs) Oh my god! Yikes.
SARAH: America.
KAYLA: Great.
SARAH: But yeah, imagine like looking at a bible verse in...
KAYLA: Oh my god. Oh my god!
SARAH: ...a Chik-fil-a bathroom having gay sex.
KAYLA: I really hope that's happened before.
SARAH: (laughs) Same.
KAYLA: Part of me feels like there's no way it hasn't happened. Like of all the Chik-fil-As there are and all the gay people there are.
SARAH: Someone's gotta do it. Just a giant fuck you to Chik-fil-A.
KAYLA: God. A literal fuck you.
SARAH: (laughs) Amazing. This one... okay. I'm just gonna read it again.
KAYLA: I'm ready.
SARAH: "A Texas couple decided that the best thing to do after being arrested for possessing illegal substances would be to get busy, 'natch."
KAYLA: (laughs) Get busy!
SARAH: "Even though she was handcuffed, the woman in question unzipped her man's pants and started giving him a BJ right then and there. Bold."
KAYLA: How did she...
SARAH: So were they in the back of a car? I can't tell. It doesn't specifically say but she's handcuffed.
KAYLA: I mean I have to assume that they were in the car because otherwise they would've been stopped.
SARAH: True. You're not wrong.
KAYLA: Like people would've been around them. How would she do that while handcuffed?
SARAH: I guess she would have to...
KAYLA: Like were her hands behind her back or in front?
SARAH: Yeah. So she would have to start with her back to the person. I guess him since it was... well a person with a penis. And undo his zipper and then turn around.
KAYLA: Ehhh. How did he get his pants... was he...? I'm assuming he was also handcuffed.
SARAH: I'm assuming they're both handcuffed.
KAYLA: How did the pants get down? Cause you have to unzip, unbutton, and get them down enough for the peen to come out.
SARAH: I think you could... I think it could be done.
KAYLA: It just seems like a lot.
SARAH: I don't want to think too much about it.
KAYLA: No. I guess... I mean I hate to say that makes kind of sense but people have the handcuff thing.
SARAH: Oh god. Oh no! No Kayla.
KAYLA: They do.
SARAH: Put it back in your mouth.
KAYLA; No. (slurping noise)
SARAH: Not a dick (laughs).
KAYLA: Suck it back in (slurping noise).
SARAH; No! Oh this couple, they saw that there was a...
KAYLA: Oh my god (laughs).
SARAH: ...Google Earth car, like street-view, and they decided to pull over and start having sex on the side of the road.
KAYLA: And I think it's also...
SARAH: They're flipping off the camera.
KAYLA: He's also drinking a beer I think. Doesn't he look...? Yeah, he looks...
SARAH: I mean this is Australia, you never know.
KAYLA: He looks as though he's drinking a beer.
SARAH: You never know what they do down there (obnoxious laugh).
KAYLA: Ha ha down there (sarcastic laugh).
SARAH: Cars, you know, standard. Oh, these people in Estonia...
KAYLA: Oh my god oh my god. (laughs).
SARAH: ...they decided to have sex on a bridge. But not just on a bridge, it's one of those bridges where it's like a - I mean we'll put in the Patreon.
KAYLA: There's like an arch.
SARAH: There's an arch. It's a tall arch and they are on top of the arch. At the very top.
KAYLA: It's like not a very large arch either. There's not much room.
SARAH: Right. It seems dangerous. How did they even get up there? There must be a ladder.
KAYLA: There must be something that we can't see.
SARAH: There must be a ladder just for fixing things purposes.
KAYLA: I don't even know. But I can't be that mad at this because I'm so impressed.
SARAH: It's impressive. I'm not sure how they thought people wouldn't notice.
KAYLA: I think they probably didn't care.
SARAH: Okay, fair.
KAYLA: Because a lot of people like the thing about public sex is the thrill of it.
SARAH: That's what I don't understand. Maybe it's just me personally, I'm sure there are a lot of people like this. Even if I were a person who were into the sex thing, I don't... I wouldn't want to do it in public places because I would be so embarrassed and so... it would just be horribly embarrassing and horribly awkward if you got caught.
(20:00)
KAYLA: Yeah, I think...
SARAH: To me that's not fun, that's very stressful.
KAYLA: I feel like the whole time I would just be worried about caught and so then nothing good would happen because I...
SARAH: You wouldn't enjoy it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: That seems like the case for me.
KAYLA: Cause a lot of people that I've heard that have public sex it's like "Oh cause it's so thrilling that you might get caught so it makes it better and more exciting."
SARAH: That's terrifying.
KAYLA: But for me, I would just not be able to focus on the fun because I'd be like (hyperventilating).
SARAH: The police are gonna come!
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Public indecency!
KAYLA: I knew someone that had public sex in their boss's office with their partner.
SARAH: Do you know what's really weird?
KAYLA: No (laughs).
SARAH: Okay. You know how...
KAYLA: I don't.
SARAH: You know on The Sims...
KAYLA: Oh my god (laughs).
SARAH: ...the characters can do the do, it's called woo-hooing.
KAYLA: It is. It sure is.
SARAH: (laughs) Whenever I was playing The Sims I would always try to find the weirdest place that tit would let me make them woo-hoo.
KAYLA: You can do it in the bushes in the newest Sims.
SARAH: You can do it in a dressing room.
KAYLA: You can do it in the rocket ship.
SARAH: Oh my god (laughs).
KAYLA: Did you like... when you played Sims, did you have people get married and do relationships and stuff?
SARAH: I don't remember.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I was really more into designing Sims than anything else.
KAYLA: Well yeah, obviously.
SARAH: Just because of who I am as a person.
KAYLA: I just always wondered if people of different sexualities play Sims differently. You know?
SARAH: I don't know. It was so long ago that the only thing I can really remember is... yeah no I think I did have them get married and have kids and stuff. Because at that point in my life that's what I thought I wanted to do, too.
KAYLA: Right. Like if you played Sims now though what do you think you would do?
SARAH: I might do it for some but not like... you know you have different Sims, you have different families. I might take them in different directions.
KAYLA: That's true.
SARAH: I also made a gay couple once in Sims.
KAYLA: You can have trans people now in The Sims.
SARAH: Really? That's cool.
KAYLA: Mhm. Yeah.
SARAH: I was a little salty that you still... your options were male, female.
KAYLA: Yeah the options are still male, female. You can now just choose like... It's basically phrased as if they can get pregnant or not. So it's like male, female, can they get pregnant or not and you can switch and swap them.
SARAH: Right. Although I think on one hand I'm like "eh that's eh," but on the other hand it's like they do base... when it throws you a body to change, if there is no gender it might not know what to give you. But I feel like that's kind of a minor issue.
KAYLA: I dunno.
SARAH: Anyway, we're off-topic. Back to sex in weird places! Here we have another one.
KAYLA: Where is it?
SARAH: Quote, "In China, a couple's illicit cable car romp...
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: ...caused officials to issue a stern warning to passengers. Before passengers can board the cars, they'll now see a sign that states 'be cautious, it is risky to conduct intimate behavior aloft'" unquote.
KAYLA: Aloft (laughs).
SARAH: Now there's a picture of this sign and it's in Chinese so I'm just trusting what it says. However, there is a picture of people clearly doing the do. You know one of those signs where it's like a head and some arms and legs and things. Not explicit...
KAYLA: Like the people on a bathroom door.
SARAH: Right. They are very obviously having sex.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: And it's just like crossed out.
KAYLA: A circle with a line through it. I just like how they're not telling you not to have sex.
SARAH: They're just saying it's risky.
KAYLA: They're saying it's risky. They're not telling you don't do this...
SARAH: Be cautious.
KAYLA: ...they're just saying be careful when you do it, you know?
SARAH: Careful.
KAYLA: They're not telling you not to.
SARAH: Incredible.
KAYLA: Ew, oh my god, ew. The pictures on this are gross. Ew.
SARAH: This one is just in a public swimming pool.
KAYLA: Great.
SARAH: Out and about. They got arrested.
KAYLA: Great. That's like people that give blowjobs in a movie theater. Which you hear about kind of often.
SARAH: You hear about it all the time.
KAYLA: Okay this (distressed sound). Oh man.
SARAH: Okay this is...
KAYLA: A new article.
SARAH: ...an article. Me and Kayla both came across this independently of each other.
KAYLA: And we were screaming.
SARAH: It's on Bustle. It's "Eleven Crazy Places to Have Sex in Public According to Bustle Readers Who Have Been There Done That."
KAYLA: So this is actually stuff that like...
SARAH: Oh wait, is that a gay couple? I can't tell.
KAYLA: Well I hope it is because that sounds exciting.
SARAH: Yeah. Anyway.
KAYLA: Anyway, this is actually stuff that people did and then told to this magazine.
SARAH: Yeah. And they basically... the questions involve "would you recommend it?" "Was it thrilling?" "Would you encourage others to try it?" Blah, blah, blah.
KAYLA: I swear to god.
SARAH: So there's this one in a canoe on the water. She would not recommend (laughs). She said, "we nearly capsized about five times."
KAYLA: This is more funny than anything.
SARAH: Yeah, more funny than anything.
KAYLA: I mean that's so... I mean that would be funny. I could see doing it as a joke but if someone actually did that seriously expecting it to work like no. But I could see doing it as a joke.
SARAH: Right. This one is basically just this person... it's an apartment stairwell outside.
KAYLA: Gross.
SARAH: And they were basically saying how thrilling it was and how much they loved it and they did it in several other similar places later.
KAYLA: Oh my god!
SARAH: And they were like "If you'd encourage others to try it, why and how often?'" And they were like "For sure. As much as possible. Winky face." And I'm like girl no, I just can't agree. Even if I were...
KAYLA: That's like disrespectful.
SARAH: Even if I were into that, I just cannot. Like no. No!
KAYLA: I just like... my main this is A, again, it's dirty and you could get infections. And B, at a certain point it's like... first of all, it's actually illegal.
(25:00)
SARAH: Yeah it is.
KAYLA: Because it's public indecency. But it's just rude at that point because you're making a public stairwell gross.
SARAH: Yeah. They said it was two in the morning. I don't care.
KAYLA: There could be... But still, you never know what could happen. I get doing it once or twice, I get it.
SARAH: Well they said "We have repeated in other areas, more crowded ones, and have yet get caught. Again, that's the thrill." But I just don't understand. You're making other people really uncomfortable.
KAYLA: I dunno. I understand why people have a motivation for public sex, I just think if you're doing stuff like that and you're repeatedly doing it, it's a little much at that point.
SARAH: Yeah. I don't understand. Alright here's this next one. I... oh my god okay. So an outdoor hammock. The gif they have included is just a woman really struggling with a hammock, it's funny.
KAYLA: It's great.
SARAH: Been there. But I thought this person was going to not recommend it, okay? And then it says "would you recommend it?"And they go "If both people are fairly average-sized, it was quite fun. The hammock envelops you and forces you to remain very close."
KAYLA: (laughs) Oh my god.
SARAH: "It is definitely intimate. Plus the rocking motion of the hammock makes things interesting."
KAYLA: I think I would get sick.
SARAH: And so "was it thrilling?" "As long as you don't move around to much and risk falling out, it is thrilling." "If you'd encourage others to try it, why and how often?" "Absolutely. It is more of a novelty, but it's worth the risk."
KAYLA: I mean if it's your own private hammock, I'm okay with it I guess.
SARAH: Whatever. And like if people can't see...
KAYLA: It's like in your backyard.
SARAH: From my backyard, you can see into my backyard from one, two, three, four, or five different houses you can see into my backyard. So it really depends on what your house situation is.
KAYLA: So this one is not... doesn't make me as mad.
SARAH: But also just seems complicated.
KAYLA: I just feel like I would get sick. Like if I swing on anything for too long I don't feel good.
SARAH: But also I feel like that would make it very difficult to do it.
KAYLA: I really don't know. I think it would because it would be unsturdy.
SARAH: Moving around too much in a hammock is very difficult and dangerous as in the example of this woman in the gif you just keep watching over and over.
KAYLA: Because they're saying you can't move around a lot but are you... what are you gonna do just put ya peen in and sit there? Like it's not... I used to think that's how you had sex (laughs). It's actually not though.
SARAH: It's not, as it turns out.
KAYLA: As it turns out, you don't just stick it in and sit there and wait for it to happen.
SARAH: Yeah, seems to be the case. Um let's see what else do we have. Okay, mile-high club. Let's talk about it.
KAYLA: It's gross! Those bathrooms smell so gross.
SARAH: Listen, it is my goal in life to go to the bathroom in as few public transportations as possible.
KAYLA: Yeah, I do agree.
SARAH: Now I did a very good job. I did not have to go to the bathroom on a plane until I was 19.
KAYLA: Proud.
SARAH: It was my last flight home, too.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: I have gone on flights to Europe and not used the bathroom on the plane.
KAYLA: That's impressive.
SARAH: Yeah, I have a bladder of steel. Also, I don't drink enough water when I'm on a plane because I don't want to go to the bathroom.
KAYLA: Actually, I think I made it to Europe without going to the bathroom also.
SARAH: Yeah. The only reason I had to go on that last flight was because it was literally 10 hours long.
KAYLA: Tragic.
SARAH: Anyway. So I haven't been in a lot of airplane bathrooms, but they're gross and they're tiny.
KAYLA: Well it's basically like a portapotty. Because obviously there's no drainage, it's not going anywhere. It's sitting in the plane so it's smelly and they're very small.
SARAH: Yeah. And I feel like a lot of people do it at night when a lot of people are sleeping I think?
KAYLA: I mean that seems more considerate, I guess. So people aren't waiting.
SARAH: But also there are... I would fucking notice if two people walked into a bathroom on an airplane.
KAYLA: Yeah that's the thing.
SARAH: Everyone would know.
KAYLA: Obviously people would probably hear it happening, especially if you're the person right in front of the bathroom, but also yeah you would definitely notice. I mean did they do the smooth thing where one of them goes and then five minutes later the other person walks in?
SARAH: I guess.
KAYLA: Because that... I don't know.
SARAH: But then what if there's a line. Like I've been in situations where there has been a line for the bathroom. And then it's like well what if there's a line and then someone was like "Oh, turns out there's still someone in there."
KAYLA: I... ehhhh.
SARAH: But it seems, from what I understand, a lot of people have done this.
KAYLA: It's like a common thing to talk about. Mile high club, that's a thing. I wonder if you can look up how many people.
SARAH: That's probably not accurate numbers.
KAYLA: I guess. I don't know. I wonder if there’s flight attendant stories of catching people. I'm gonna look this up.
SARAH: I'm sure there are. Alright while you do that let's move on. Let's see. Okay, this last one - portapotty.
KAYLA: Oh my god NEVER.
SARAH: Okay this person said they would not recommend it.
KAYLA: Wow, wonder why.
SARAH: And...
KAYLA: Tales of the mile-high club. Anyway.
(30:00)
SARAH: Basically yeah, this person's saying they super don't recommend it. I don't know why you'd ever wanna do it. I guess they said they were... there was only place on a little island that was out of sight of other people and they were really horny. But I would just say a big no. I avoid using portapotties in general. So I would not want to be in that for any longer than I would have to. I would not want any of my body parts just exposed.
KAYLA: Again, so much bacteria could get in.
SARAH: Yeah. It just seems horrible.
KAYLA: Okay. Unfortunately... there is a website for the mile high club and you can join this.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: But unfortunately, the tales part of the website is gone.
SARAH: Damn.
KAYLA: So we can't read the stories.
SARAH: That's too bad.
KAYLA: What?! "An accidental" - wait it's loading - "an accidental dating app that's making it easier for plane travelers to hook up at 40,000 feet."
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: "App allows passengers to flirt with each others mid-fight." I've actually seen this. When I was on my flight to Europe, you can chat with other people, like instant message other people in different seats or play games with them. So me and my family were like playing chess together because you can be like "Oh seat 43A, I'm going to invite them to a game." So I'm wondering if that's what this is. "Ooo, spotted a hotty by the emergency exit?"
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: And you can just look at their seat number and be like boop boop boop.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: That is so funny.
SARAH: That is kind of funny. But also a little concerning because what if someone comes onto you and you are uncomfortable and reject them and then you're stuck on a plane with them.
KAYLA: Stuck on a plane. I'm assuming... I don't know. I would hope that you could look at a flight attendant and be like (whispers) "come here." And then tell the flight attendant.
SARAH: Isn't that just sad that as a female person that's the first thing I thought of? God damn.
KAYLA: Yeah that's uhhhhh...
SARAH: Hashtag Me Too, am I right ladies?
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: Yeah. Are you planning anything else?
KAYLA: Ooo, I might find some stories. Oh okay, alright. So I did find the stories on this milehighclub.com. They're giving their names?!
SARAH: Oh wow.
KAYLA: And their email.
SARAH: They're proud. They are proud.
KAYLA: "Airline: Southwest."
SARAH: Oh my god (laughs).
KAYLA: "Flight 43 from Chicago to Oklahoma City. Time: evening. Aircraft: 737. Location: laboratory."
SARAH: (laughs) Oh my god!
KAYLA: "Altitude: 22,000 feet. Comments: (gasp) Oh my god! My name is Brandy and I am the mother of two children traveling to catch a connecting flight in Oklahoma City en route to Disneyland, California."
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: "Heading to the plane with husband guiding me and my two children by my side, we boarded the plane, took seats, (gasps)...
SARAH: Wait wait, quick question. If you're from Chicago, why would you go to Disneyland when you could go to Disney World?
KAYLA: This is not the point of this.
SARAH: I'm sorry, Disney World is better.
KAYLA: "They took their seats!"
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: "A very handsome, Spanish-looking businessman in a black suit with brown buzzcut hair and what looked like green eyes, some scruff, whatever, caught her attention two rows ahead. This hot man and me kept making continuous eye contact." Keep in mind, she's with her children and husband!
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: Oh (gasp). Oh my god, this is so gross!! Okay, so they kept making eye contact. "Something about him made me tingle inside and made me have this" - get ready - "urge to squirt all over him."
SARAH: No!
KAYLA: "This is not like me, knowing that my husband and two children are right beside me as I was going on a family vacation. He got up and walked back to the rear of the plane and gave me this sexy 'I want to fuck you' look with his dreamy green eyes. This was my cue to follow him. I looked over to my family and said "Mommy has to use the bathroom. Stay with daddy in your seats.' She approached the rear of the plane, immediately wondered where the sex piece went" - talking about the guy - "waited for all three minutes since all the bathrooms were in use until the bathroom door behind me opened and I was quickly pulled in."
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: "He threw her" - okay this is getting graphic -
SARAH: Oh god.
KAYLA: "Threw her..."
SARAH: Is this just someone's erotic fanfiction? Did they just write smut and were like "I'm gonna put it on this website."
KAYLA: I'm really hoping this isn't real. This is so fucked up. So they were kissing, "luscious lips," sucking her neck. Oh no. Should I read this?
SARAH: Just do it.
KAYLA: "Made her clit pulsate."
SARAH: (laughs) Oh my god!
KAYLA: This is disgusting! Oh "ripped her pink blouse, revealing my double D tits." This can't be real! This is not real!
SARAH: I don't think it's real. Also ripped? She's gotta go back to her family.
KAYLA: Oh my god, I need to know how this ends.
SARAH: How can she explain that her shirt is ripped?
KAYLA: Oh, this is no way this is real. "My nipples were as hard as cherries and..."
SARAH: Ew! Ew! What?!
KAYLA: "...and ready to get sucked." Oh, he ripped the blouse more, unbutton jeans, ripped off the jeans.
SARAH: I think this is just some smut fanfiction that someone's written.
KAYLA: I'm just gonna skip to the end. Ope, "pussy." "Fucking me harder," digging some nails, some cum, masculine hands.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: "Welcome to the mile-high club, you sexy fucking MILF."
(35:00)
SARAH: This isn't real.
KAYLA: Thrust his dick, soaked pussy.
SARAH: This isn't real.
KAYLA: "We quickly dressed each other and he said 'I'm JB, it was nice to meet you.' I left, I walked back to my seat and my husband whispered 'How was he?'"
SARAH: This is not real.
KAYLA: THIS IS NOT REAL! This (screams).
SARAH: That's not real.
KAYLA: I'm so uncomfortable. It's over.
SARAH: That was a lot of yelling out of Kayla.
KAYLA: It's over.
SARAH: Alright, okay.
KAYLA: "My panties." Okay, I can't. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.
SARAH: I can't do this anymore.
KAYLA: I'm done.
SARAH: How about a poll? (laughs)
KAYLA: Oh my god I can't even think about a poll right now! (gagging noise) Oh my god.
SARAH: Wait, we should list some pretty gross places to have sex and then have people decide on which would be the grossest.
KAYLA: Okay. So let's do portapotty.
SARAH: Portapotty.
KAYLA: Mile high club. What's somewhere else gross? Beach sex! We didn't even begin to talk beach sex!
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: Sand in all the crevices!
SARAH: People think that that's so sexy and romantic...
KAYLA: So sex on the beach there's a drink...
SARAH: ...but sand everywhere!
KAYLA: In your vagina.
SARAH: You can step onto a beach, take three steps on a beach and step off of it, and you will find sand everywhere.
KAYLA: Do you know how long it takes me to get sand out of my hair? If you've having sex on the beach your hair is on the ground.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: And in (gagging noise)... ehhh.
SARAH: My suitcase that I put things in when I travel. There's just sand it in, I can't get it out.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay, moving on.
KAYLA: I can't. Okay, so portapotty.
SARAH: Beach, portapotty.
KAYLA: Mile high club, beach.
SARAH: Beach, behind a dumpster.
KAYLA: (laughs) Against a dumpster outside a Denny's.
SARAH: No, no. Well, should we go for the Dunkin' Donuts from the example or Denny's?
KAYLA: No I want a Denny's.
SARAH: Or Waffle House.
KAYLA: Waffle House.
SARAH: Waffle House.
KAYLA: Dumpster behind a Waffle House. Oh god. This is the worst...
SARAH: Not just any Waffle House, the Waffle House that you see signs for in Kentucky.
KAYLA: And that you just end up at at 3am.
SARAH: Yeah, you just end up there. I've actually never been to one.
KAYLA: Okay guys. Me either. I'm very sorry about this episode. I didn't mean for it to get like this. I didn't mean to read smut to you. I'm so sorry. I know most of our listeners are aroace and wanted nothing to do with this.
SARAH: Or least otherwise under the ace umbrella.
KAYLA: Yeah I know none of you probably wanted this. I'm so sorry.
SARAH: Listen, I was just confused by pregnant sex and now we're here.
KAYLA: And here we are. If you could've seen Sarah's face throughout that whole thing, oh my god. I'm so sorry. My search history... fuck! It's on my phone. Dammit!
SARAH: You can delete it.
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: I delete my search history on my phone all the time just cause I feel like I have to. But I never delete it on my computer.
KAYLA: Everything is bad.
SARAH: Anyway! Alright well.
KAYLA: It's over. Wrapping it up!
SARAH: Cool. Alright, so that poll you can find on our Twitter @soundsfakepod. You can also email us at soundsfakepod@gmail.com. We have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakefod (stumbles over words.) Mm-mmm, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Kayla, tell us more.
KAYLA: Well! We have three current patrons who I now feel bad for because they're paying money to hear this. So first of all we have Jennifer Smart, she is a lovely human in our $5 group so shouts out to her. You can find her YouTube videos and her little animations on Lehen?
SARAH: Lehen?
KAYLA: L-E-H-E-N productions. If you put that on YouTube.
SARAH: Jennifer, you have interacted with us since then but we keep forgetting to ask, is Lehen correct? Just let us know
KAYLA: Jennifer, shout into the void or message us and just tell us. So go check that out her videos are really cool. I know she has a website too. She's a lady. And our other $5 patreon... patreon? Patron. Is Asritha. She is still promoting her singleness, she's out there, she's ready.
SARAH: Just if you'd like to make her happy, gift her a bag of cheese.
KAYLA: Okay yeah, she ate a bag of shredded cheese earlier, had a great time.
SARAH: I agree.
KAYLA: So her Instagram handle is @asritha_v, that's A-R... no. Asritha_v, that's A-S-R-I-T-H-A underscore V. Check her out. And in our $10 patron, the lovely Emma.
SARAH: We saw her today.
KAYLA: We saw her today, she was in a Belle costume. Her and her boyfriend were Taco Bell for Halloween.
SARAH: She was Belle, he was a taco.
KAYLA: It was great.
SARAH; It was cool. Oh, we gave it away. I told them last week that they had to check but I don't think she's posted about it yet. Well, we gave it away. Now you know!
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: Check out her Twitter and Instagram to find out... to see the pictures @emmatfink, at E-M-M-A-T-F-I-N-K.
KAYLA: There it is.
SARAH: Last week for our poll, we had an open-ended question where we were asking for songs that are not love songs that you guys like. We had some responses. If you guys have more that you think of let us know
KAYLA: Definitely keep letting us know.
SARAH: I'm gonna make a Spotify playlist that will be up by the time this episode is up.
KAYLA: Hell yeah.
(40:00)
SARAH; I'm gonna add some songs to it, you should add some.
KAYLA: Yeah, I'll get some.
SARAH: And we'll include the ones that people have told us. And we can just kind of add it continuously.
KAYLA: Yeah just as you guys think of them just keep sending them.
SARAH: Yeah and we'll add them. And it'll be pretty cool.
KAYLA: And we can have it on our Tumblr, soundsfakepod.tumblr.com. You can check it out there. Yeah. And you can find this podcast at iTunes, Soundcloud, Stitcher Radio, or really anywhere else you find your podcasts.
SARAH: Some other places that we didn't expect.
KAYLA: So leave us a comment, leave us a review. That would make me happy. Just tell your friends about us, say hi. I'd still love to hear from you guys, we still wanna do that questions episode. Please don't be shy. I don't have any friends and I'd like to make you my friend.
SARAH: Okay, cool. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.